Close 2 Heaven Part XI

FEAR FACTOR NITE. Even after the dinner was over, we hung around the reception hall and continued our drinking, eating and dancing. I had the opportunity to talk to my partner K and find out more about her. After much partying, everyone decided to go up to Club 1213 to continue our partying.

When I got up to Club 1213, K was with me and we just started talking. The rest of the bangsats somehow ingeniously decided that K and I needed some private time to talk and instead of lepaking at Club 1213, they started another party joint at Club 1215. Realising that these pundeks have fong fei kei me, I got K to go over to Club 1215.

Over at Club 1215, B’s younger brother, BK brought “Balut”. Some of you pundeks might have seen this Balut thingy on fear factor. Its actually duck egg except that you can see the embryo of the duck forming. Its graded from like 0 days to 20 days or something like that. The more days it is, the more you can see the duckling forming. But its’ still an egg. Think of it as eating a century egg except that this time round, you can see the farking bird forming.

Each of us had a try and it was really tasty. Z tried but got choked on the bird’s feather or beak. Bastard was coughing his eye-balls out. I had a try and it was really yummy. T had a go after much coercion and got two feathers stuck between his teeth. It was farking gross watching T trying to dig the feathers out from between his teeth and watch the feathers get glued to this tongue.

After the Balut session, we just sat down in the room drinking and talking cock. Eventually, tiredness got into everyone and everyone went back into their room to pass out. Everyone except K and yours truly here. It was refreshing talking to her and I asked if she was up to chatting some more. I was glad that she said yes as I found her personality very attractive (ok ok she was hot too).

We stayed up the whole night talking rots. Exchanging information about KL and Phil. Backstabbing Z n B since K was B’s best friend and I was Z’s best friend. Introducing our friends to each other. Describing who is who. I had to describe my two other fellow Malaysians, Iceman and Wor Siong. It was almost day break when we both agreed that we should catch some zzzz. I’ve never talked so much before in my whole life. Managed to find out more about each other’s status i.e. me being single and desperate and she was seeing someone. Damn! I started cursing in my mind but somehow K read my mind and explained that she’s just dating but nothing serious. Hmmmmmm…. Can be salvaged. Can be salvaged. I thought to myself. Managed to also clarify her “high maintenance” tag and to her horror, she never knew she was tagged as “high maintenance”. Z, no thanks to your lousy intel, I almost got my eyeballs pulled out through my nostrils that night.

Close 2 Heaven Part X

KENA SABO. Puki Tiang Z n B sabo me kao kao during the reception. Bangsat Dog got the garter from B and gave it to me. Then B gave her bouquet of flowers to J. Damn, I don’t mind J. After all she’s a hottie but tibai, go and make me stand in front of 600 people … mah hai! Z n B, I will always farking remember this sabo.

Things that they made me do with J in public shall not even be mentioned publicly in a blog like this. Farking evil. But I have to admit, J was a real sport.

After kena sabo, I was supposed to help co-emcee but was too busy with the after effects of kena sabo. The emcee went ahead without me and it was back to more drinking and eating after that. The reception has everything, from laughter to tears and heart warming songs by B’s brothers. Z n B tried to do some dance but honestly, Z looked as if he was a bald baboon having some kind of spasm or epileptic fit. Either that, he has some red fire ants chewing on his balls and he is hopping around in pain.

Needless to say, there was more teary-eyed speeches from B’s dad, from the groom who decides to make matters worse by making more teary-eyed speeches. Damn. Don’t you guys know how to make light of the moment? Sheesh!

After dinner, we did the traditional Yam Seng by shouting our lungs out much to the horror of all the guests who probably thought we were a bunch of hooligans. There was much partying after the dinner even though most guests were beginning to leave. We were asking who else were staying back to party with us and I did ask J if she was staying but was told she has a flight to catch. But my partner K decided to hang around with us bunch of rowdy Malaysians and Americans. Brave girl I must say. Wonder what made her change her mind and hang around with us.

And … not to forget, another tradition must be carried out. The school rally must be sung and yes, we did sing the school rally that night.

Close 2 Heaven Part IX

THE RECEPTION. Back at the hotel, I was told that the damn emcee fong fei kei as the night before, he was choking on too much cock and now has a sore throat. That’s what happens when you don’t swallow. Heh heh. The makan hall was decorated superbly with a heckuva cake-stand. But the cake-stand kinda reminds me of those Matchbox car rails where you place your toy cars and watch them race down the rails. There was more photo shoot at the hotel where I was unceremoniously given a new nickname that sounds friggin pansy. Sue, if you are reading this, THANKS A LOT!!!

Stimpy and I was asked to help the substitute emcee by being co-emcees during certain programme of the reception and because of that, I had to control my alcohol intake. Damn Iceman and Wor Siong were already well on their way to heaven even before the reception starts.

Unlike the usual Chinese wedding receptions we have in KL, the entire entourage walks in and as each of them walks in, their names were announced. I felt as if I was some NBA player waiting to run out to the court when my name is announced over the speakers except that no one would be cheering me on.

I walked into the hall escorting my partner, K and next thing I know, we don’t know where to sit except to just grab the first empty table I saw. I already have a seat reserved with the guys but since K was alone, I felt obliged to just hang around and not just say, “hey, sit here or go find your own sit while I go join my friends”.

Once dinner has started, I went to look for my friends and found Iceman and Wor Siong at the back of the hall having more beers. When I approached them, those two pukimaks started to disown me and cursed me for sitting with K. Bastards kept saying after I found chun chick, I forget about the brothers. Tho’ I tried explaining, those two tibais just kept kneeing me away. Bangsat!

Farking Irritating

At my workplace, we use the electronic key phone systems (not sure if that is the correct description). Each of the staff here has an extension assigned to them. Now, one of this pundeks has a serious hearing problem. I honestly don't know what the fark is wrong with her unless she is farking deaf.

You see, on our phone, when you want to make a call, you just have to press the speaker button and you will hear "TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" on the speaker and when you hear that farking tone , you just punch in the numbers that you want to call. The volume of the speaker can be farking adjusted as to whether you have hearing like a dog or whether you are farking deaf.

Now, each time this dumb fark wants to make a phone call, she will press the speaker button and the damn speaker's volume is adjusted to be so farking loud, it can serve as a warning siren to warn the whole of South East Asia of the next tsunami or earthquake or whatever friggin disasters God has in mind for us mere mortals. To make matters worse, she doesn't farking punch in the numbers immediately. The farking "TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" sound goes on like forever before she finally reacts to punch in the numbers. It's like she's totally zonked out in space or hypnotized by that damn tone. Sometimes, she will be looking through her files or phone book for the number while the damn farking "TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" tone is blaring away. I don't farking understand it. If you don't know the number, just get the farking number ready or write it down somewhere before you start to make the call. Not farking punch the speaker button and look for the number.

And doesn't she realise its so farking loud? It just irritates the hell out of me. I get so damn farking agitated I feel like going up to her and farking shout "TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" into her ear until my lungs pop. AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!

Question

Just overheard one of my colleagues asking for facial tissue. Does this mean she just had a facial? And she needs a facial tissue to wipe herself off? Was facial tissue specially created to be able to wipe off the cum more efficiently? Hahahahaha

If facial tissue is not tissue to wipe off facials or cum, then why the specific name of facial tissue? Why can't they just call it tissue? We know the tissue that wipes your ass is called toilet paper. Unless now its known as ass wipe. So why facial tissue?

Ultraman vs Monster

Last weekend my 4 year old nephew came to my house looking very sad. His grandmother asked him why and he said teacher and mummy punished him. I started laughing. His grandfather gave me a cold stare, you know the kind of stare where Superman will just stare at you and your balls will melt away? Yeah, that kind of stare. I stopped laughing.

They asked him why? Then his mum said he was fighting in school. I smiled. Hey, I smiled to myself, this kid is cool after all. They continued to interrogate him and asked him why was he fighting.

He then said simply that he was ultraman and his friend was the monster. Hence the fighting. Hahahaha.

My parents and his mum was dumbfarked after that. Needless to say who was laughing when he said that. To make matters worse, his mum started telling my brother that he shouldn't be watching ultraman but more on that lovable purple dinosaur. That's when I went ballistic. Noooooooooooo...... Not that thing. Puh-leez! You want your son to turn out to be a boy or a gay dinosaur?

Sis-in-law: He's not gay!

Me: Oh yes he is! Next time you watch the vcd, look carefull at its actions. Fark. Even the sound of his voice sounds gay!

Bad Mood

M in a really farking bad mood now. What's the cause of it? A lot of things. Just don't feel happy. And just farking pissed off at some things. Damn. Whenever I feel like this, I feel very destructive. Feel like picking a fight some where. Grrrrrrrrrrrrr..... Will play basketball tonight to blow off some steam. Fark it. Hope I feel better tomorrow for Cicak's tea ceremony and "chip san leong". Otherwise, I feel sorry for the bitches who are going to be the "chee muis". I'll be waging war tomorrow as well. Semper-Fi!

Big Mistake

Farking made a big friggin mistake today. Damn.

I was trying to call my friend Ivan on his cell phone from my office phone. Now, my office phone uses one of those facilities whereby when you call someone on his cell phone, his screen will just say private number calling. My office phone number will not appear on the screen.

I have a number of friends and clients who refuse to answer their cell phone if they can't see who or where the call is coming from. So whenever the words private number flashes, they refuse to answer. Ivan is one of those farkers.

I called him this morning about 3 times. All 3 times he refused to answer. I got pissed. I texted him. "Ey Cibai! Can farking answer your fone or not? It's me lah!"

I called again. Still no answer.

About 3 hours later, my cell phone rang. I saw the name Ivan blinking on my screen. I answered, "HOI CIBAI! Bastard you! Now only you farking call back! What the fark have you been doing ah? Mah Hai!"

Next thing I know, I hear a female voice, "err Hello?"

Oh Shit! I thought to myself. Must be the girlfriend. "Err, hello? Ivan please?"

The female hung up after that. Farking bitch.

Later I sent an email to Ivan. "Puki Tiang Babi Lan Chiao. Farker. Bastard. Chun Toi. Cibai you change number never tell me. Tibai betuih! Kan ni na. Call me!"

Ivan called me half an hour later, "ey, you didn't know I change number meh?"

Me: bangsat! you never tell me!

Ivan: oh sorry, so how you know I changed number?

Me: Just now somebody use your old number to call be back after I sms. So I saw Ivan I didn't say hello. Straightway I "tiau" you already. But it was some woman. Why? You gave your phone to your chick ah?

Ivan: errr... how did you "tiau"?

And I told Ivan all the profanities that I said.

Ivan: hahahahahaha, that was my mum lar you dung-goi!

I was really dumbfarked after that. Damn!

Ping Pong

One night all of us were having drinks at our favorite watering hole when Black all of a sudden asked, “Eh you guys want to go for ping-pong or not?”

Wor Siong laughed and asked, “What da fark? Since when you started playing ping-pong lar?”

And I went, “play where? When? Who’s playing?”

Black went on, “Not that ping-pong lah you farkers!”

Ed: Then what?

Black: This ping-pong means balls massage lar

Hahahahahahaa

Wor Siong: What da fark??!!

Black then held up his hands and cupped his fingers as if he was holding a pair of testicles and explained, “you go to this traditional massage ah, they will massage your balls for you.”

Ed: What for lah

Black: Ah….. you don’t know. You see your scrotum bag ah, got some veins there rite or not? This girls will massage those veins for you. Suppose to help clear the system. Think of it as an old garden hose you never clean but gets clogged up. Same as your cock. All those urine dirty mah. Then you fark and all that. Sure got some dirt and residue there. By massaging your balls, suppose to clear it for you. Somemore, after you massage, when you shoot ah, more powerful and more cum. Then also, you can last longer while farking wey ….

All of us looked at him wide eyed, jaws dropping, saliva drooling. Impressive.

Me: you said girls massaging?

Black: yah! Girls. Fark! You want guys to massage your balls ah? Cibai!

Everyone hit me on the head after that.

Wor Siong: So you try before?

Black: No lar!

Me: Tibai! Then tell us for what?!

Ed: ey, you think let girls massage your balls painful-ah?

Me: dunno. I ain’t gonna farking let anyone play with my balls man. Dei, does scratching balls count as massaging ah? Everytime balls itchy I scratch means I cum more is it?

Black: cibai. Scratching and massaging different lah.

Me: but scratching when itchy damn good feeling ok …

Ed: hey, girls massage…. get hard on how?

Black: ah, it depends on the joint you go to. Some will offer to “tah fei-kei” for you. Some won’t. But if you scared you get hard on, get the old makcik to massage you lar. Hahahahaha

Tibai.

Identity Crisis

I listen to wide variety of music. But I like rap music and rock music more. Hip hop. Liked them ever since I first heard Will Smith rapped when he was better known as Fresh Prince partnering with DJ Jazzy Jeff. I loved Def Leppard and GnR too. Couldn’t stop listening to them. From Will Smith, I was introduced to Tupac and there was no turning back since then.

At work, I listen to the R&B station or the Hip Hop station. And the rock station too. I have some CDs lying around in my room. My favorite right now is 50cents, Usher, Linkin Park, Nelly, Eminem etc etc. You get the picture.

The other day while I was listening to Nelly, G walked into my room.

Me: Oh, sorry. Too loud?

G: No. why you like all this kind of music?

Me: huh? Dunno? How to explain. I just like lah.

G: all this black music, very angry, very egoistic. So much attitude.

Me: wey … don’t insult ok… what black black all. You color blind ah? Eminem not black what.

G: ok ok but all this attitude. Ego.

Me: ceh! As if all those cocked up boy bands no ego lar. No attitude lah. Fark. Look at the way they pose in their music videos. Farking put a model to shame. Hell, they even put gay boys to shame.

G: but the point is, why do you like all this kind of music? I think you have identity crisis here. All this music the black people will like it more. But you are Chinese mah.

Me: What??!!! Hello???? Since I am Chinese, am I suppose to listen to Chinese music? What the hell is wrong with you?

G: That’s not what I meant.

Me: Then? You listen to English music also what?

G: No no no. I think that came out wrongly. Forget it.

Me: No no. Go on. Say what you mean.

G: Forget it.

Me: Since you brought it up, why you go color your hair? Chinese got black hair you know. Not some yellow gold fur like a golden retriever like that. Damn Ah Lian.

G walked out of my room. Hahahahahahaha

Surgery II

If you guys think I had it bad during my surgery, wait ‘till you hear this. Shorty had to go in for a surgery a couple of years back. He had a kidney stone problem but it deteriorated into some really serious shit. They tried to blast it and gave him medication to piss the stones out but Murphy’s Law came into play resulting him going into an emergency surgery. Black and I went to visit him.

Me: Dei, what da fark happened to you lar?

Shorty: kidney stone lar …

Black: we know that lah cibai. So what happened lah?

Shorty: farker, kidney stone piss piss halfway won’t come up. So got stuck there.

Black and I looked at each other and laughed. “STUCK WHERE?!!!” Black shouted.

Shorty: cibai stone was stuck in my urinal tract lah.

“so how?” we asked him.

Shorty: so surgery lah. puki tiang you all. ask so much.

Me: surgery where lah? They cut your cock?

Shorty: no lah. Now got technology mah. You know the lubang (hole) at your cock there ‘rite? They use a scope and a tool and went in through there. Can see from the camera when the tool clamp the stone and took it out from there.

Me and Black look at each other and shuddered. Farking Painful man.

Black: so so they really put something into the hole and go all the way in ah?

Shorty: yah-lah! That farking stone block inside mah. So have to remove it. If not piss damn farking painful ok.

Me: ewwwww. I think to have something go into your dick is already farking painful. So were you awake ah?

Shorty: of course not lah. You try to stay awake when somebody shuv something into your cock and see!

Me: eh, your cock that time erected or flacid ah? You know-lar, erected easier to shuv things in mah. Flacid I think very diffcult wan-leh.

Shorty: eh cibai, how you know all this ah? You’ve been shuving things into your dick is it?

Black: cibai, logic mah. You try to put something into garden hose and something into pvc pipe and see. See which one easier to masuk?

Shorty: don’t know-lah. Maybe they erect my dick also I don’t know.

Me: fark. How they erect your dick when you pengsan already? Hold it up ah? Hahahaha. eh, so now your cock all bandaged up ah? (I started to lift the bed sheet to see but got hit by Shorty instead)

Shorty: Farker. No-lah.

Me: eh, so now you can have sex ah? You try to have sex with your wife already or not?

Black: yah yah? So how? If cannot have sex, can masturbate now or not? Hahahaha

Shorty: you bangsats. Can leave me alone or not?

Black: eh, so now your cock clear already, you pancut your sperm out more powerful lah? Can shoot further? hahaha

Shorty: hmmm… come to think of it, my pee like waterfall now. Hahaha

Black: that’s why. Last time ask you to go for ping-pong* you don’t want. If you have gone for ping-pong*, sure you don’t have this kind of problem.

Shorty: yah yah, very funny.

Two weeks later, we went for a basketball game and were short of players. We called Shorty up to see if he was coming to play. Told us he can’t play because of the surgery. We told him don’t give us cock excuse. Come to think of it, it was cock excuse. After all, its his cock we are talking about.

*ping-pong. Will blog about this in the near future.

Censorhip

Cicak’s getting married next week and some of us were communicating via emails in making plans for this wedding. As usual, we used certain colorful and flowery words in our emails and Wor Siong’s company started to reject the emails. Damn! I need to find out more about how this software works.

I felt like I was commanding a submarine sending out pings to determine location of my enemy.

So I “pinged” Wor Siong my first email, “ur bat mail is screening our mails so now i m gonna send u some mails 2 determine wat words are banned hahahahaha”

My next email, “FUCK”.

It came back as “ …. has identified an email sent by you that has been deemed to be potentially inappropriate or sent to invalid addresses”

Haha. So they don’t like people to scold them FUCK.

Another “ping”. “BASTARD”

Nothing came back. I guess they don’t mind people calling them bastard. Heh heh. This is fun.

Next “ping”. “CIBAI”

Nothing again. Hey, they don’t mind being called cibai either.

Another “ping”. “KAN NI LA BU CHOW CHEE BAI” (I’m sure you all know what this means. No need further explanation)

Nothing. Hahaha. We can scold them in hokkien. They are acceptable to that.

Since they are acceptable to hokkien, here goes another one … “LU EH KAR CHNG HOR KOW KAN” (literally means your ass let dog fark) hahahaha

I’m going to compile a whole list of words to ping to Wor Siong. Hahaha.

Perfume

Almost every farker in Malaysia has a car perfume in his car. Ok, ok. Its also called the air freshener. I don't care what the fark its called. Its one of those farking things you put in your car that makes your car smell good. Ok?

It could be any brand. Any type. The liquid type of perfume or the gel type or the chicks will usually have their potpourri on the dashboard of their car. Most of this perfumes will be stuck to the vent of your car's a/c. Comes in all shapes and sizes too. Even in the shape of a helicopter or an airplane.

I have one of those which is in liquid form stuck to my car's a/c vent. I was on my way to a basketball game the other day, speeding, swerving and weaving in and out of traffic. No thanks to typical Malaysian roads, I hit a pot hole and my perfume dispenser did a kamikaze and commited suicide from the vent. I don't know where it went. Busy speeding away, I just assumed its on the floor of the car somewhere and didn't bother about it.

I got to a traffic light and I started feeling around the floor of my car for it. Found it! Took it up and next thing I know, farking thing leaked all over my hands and shorts!. Mah hai! And the light turned green. Fark! Continued driving and trying to solve the farking car perfume shit in my hands. Jammed the damn dispenser back onto the vent and started wiping my hands on my shorts and shirt. Fark Fark Fark. Man, I smell really bad. I was choking in my car. Felt like I was in a gas chamber and I was sentenced to be gassed to death. Wound down the window and continued driving.

When I got to the basketball court, I rushed out of my car grabbing my shoes and ran to the court.

Bigman: Oi Chinaman! Next time come later-lah!

Me: Sorry. Sorry.

Old Cock: what the fark is that smell?

Me: ? (thought to myself, oh shit ...)

Bigman, Old Cock and Neckless came sniffing.

Old Cock: Fark!

Me: Farking car perfume spilled lah! Tibai!

Bigman: You smell like a cheap prostitute!

Me: Puki tiang lan chiao!

Old Cock: Either that, he's been fucking a cheap prostitute. ha ha ha

Me: Fark! Don't you farking spread this kind of rumours. Bastards!

Neckless: Maybe he purposely spilled the perfume over himself to cover up something? Maybe that's why he's late?

Me: come here, let me rub some of this shit on you!

Bigman: Guarding this cacat would be easy today. Can smell him a mile away.

Me: Tibai ....

You guys ever seen the perfume advertisements on tv? Ever noticed how that moronic ugly looking bird will just spray perfume all over her as if she is spraying a can of insecticide? Fark. One word of advice ladies, you are not supposed to farking spray the perfume on yourself as if you are a bug committing suicide.

Surgery

Many many moons ago, I underwent a knee surgery in an attempt to reconstruct my anterior cruciate ligament. It was my left knee. Twas torn as a result of basketball, hiking and climbing. But the real cause was attributed to stubborness. And refusing to take good care of the knees.

I remember taking a cab to hospital. Registering myself. Went up to the ward alone. Found my bed, sat down, opened up my newspapers and books to read. Nurses continue to come in and take temperatures, records etc etc. None of the nurses were hot looking. Just the typical old fierce looking nurses who'll snap at you everytime you open your mouth to say something.They look like witches you see in horror movies only fatter and the thermometer they were holding in their hands looks like mini wands. I bet you all the medication came from a cauldron.

Night came and I was asked to fast. Couldn't sleep that night. Not because I was afraid, but damn friggin nurses kept waking me up to take temperatures, records etc etc. Tibai. Next morning, I was asked to change into this one piece gown thingy that looks more like a huge bib. Then I was asked to remove everything. Tibai. Farking cold. End of gown was like farking centimetres away from my balls. Could feel my balls being aired. Don't understand how some birds can wear micro-minis. I told the nurses I would walk to the operating theatre but they insisted I must be wheeled in on the bed. I climbed onto the bed forgetting I was wearing that farking bib. A nice gust of wind came and my balls and dick got colder. Damn old witches must have had a good view. I looked at them. Thank goodness they weren't smacking their lips in lust.

In the operating theatre, one nurse just propped up my legs by bending my knees. "Encik, saya akan cukur you punya lutut" (means Sir, I am going to shave your knee) Whatever. She must be having a good view of everything. Damn. And she don't have to pay. "Nurse, boleh lukis garisan kat lutut supaya doktor tak potong salah?" I asked (means nurse, can you draw dotted lines on my knee so doctor knows where to cut?).

It was kind of a nice sensation to be shaved. Was beginning to have imaginations of a hot bird shaving my crotch and suddenly realised I could be popping a boner. Damn. Better stop. Doctor came. Surgery was timed to last 4 hours max. First I got to watch doc go in and trim my meniscus. Then doc told me he has to do open surgery and I don't get to watch anymore. Damn. Gave me some shit and I was feeling drowsy. I don't feel any pain, but could feel him slicing my knee open. Could feel the movements. Next thing I know, I hear knocking and drilling. Thought to myself, farkers are doing what? surgery or carpentry? They gave me some pills so that I'll really pass out. Damn.

When I woke up, I was being wheeled out of the operating theatre. When I reached my room, my parents were there. They brought food. Asked them what time is it. 1700 hours. Fark. They took like 6 hours or more. Feeling really thirsty, I drank some water. Next thing I know, I barfed. Later a nurse told me I wasn't suppose to drink or eat anything that fast after surgery. Fark. Why no one told me?

That night I was in pain. Dreamt that I was hiking, climbing and running again. Felt my leg jerked and woke up. That night itself, I was given 3 jabs of morphine. My bed sheet was bloody. Damn. Thought I peed in my sleep. But it was blood from my surgery wound. The next night, my friends came to visit. As usual, Keling Zhai aka Black provided me with entertainment.

Black: eh, what book you reading? fark! stephen king. cibai. not scary enough ah hospital? i brought you some things to read. (hands me plastic bag)

I looked inside. "What the fark?! hahaha" It was FHM but in between there were playboy, penthouse and hustler.

Me: thanks bro. but how da fark you want me to read those? farking hard on how?

Black: eh, you can tah-fei-kei or not? (literally means "hit airplane", a cantonese slang for wanking)

Me: cibai, my knee got operated lar. not my dick.

Black: haha. eh, if cannot and you have a hard on, ask the nurse lar

Me: fark. you blind or what? have you seen the nurses here or not? farking inject steroids into my dick oso won't get a hard on.

Black: eh, you can have sex or not after dis? i mean those kamasutra positions all how?

Me: farker. why don't you bend over and i show you how with my crutches.

Black: haha. eh, really no chun nurse ah? if got, ask her to fark you lar. Damn nice ok. you lying down no need to do anything. she on top of you. if not, ask her give blowjob lar. at least tah-fei-kei for you. can release some tension mah.

Me: tibai. you walk out now and find one for me.

Black walked out of the ward. He came back 5 minutes later.

Black: Fark man. You are right lah. Look at magazine and wank yourself better. Next time can choose better hospital or not?

My surgery was a failure. Damn ligament wasn't there 6 months later after a MRI scan was done. Until now, I am still in pain, limping around without a ligament. And this has also affected my right knee causing the wear and tear process to have accelerated. Damn!

Fecal Freak

I was busy at work yesterday when my yahoo messenger blinked. Friends conferenced me. Have to organize a stag night for Cicak. Damn. Now? Was really busy that time ... oh, what the heck. Joined in their conference and worked at the same time. This was some of the best extracts from the IM conversation ...

Han : looking at confirming the numbers only now

Me: v dont want 2 piss off dat guy after he makes all d arrangements oso, remind ben 2 make sure dat cibai cicak wears long pants 2moro nite. dat farker always wear shorts when meet up. so dat he got farking excuse not 2 go clubbing or watever

Han: dont worry about the cicak.its up to him.if he fucks us around then just have to make his life hell only la. ben will babysit his ass

Later in the chat …

Dave: Len is calling the both of u bastards for not chatting with him.

Me: eh? where got?

[Len has joined the conference.]

Len: f**klers!!! never reply my constant pleas for attentiuon

Han: i donts sees your names

Len: f**clers!

Han : ay,: can write fuckers. no need asterisks. Heheh. we is all growns up

Later, we were bitching some bastards called wood pen and derelict.

Dave: han are u incubating a fever?

Han: changed.hehehe. actually is true.when wood pen called me, he still can spin shit with the best. cannot stop talking the guy

Len:: ah so... sounds interesting. is this woooooooood pen or derelict?

Han: wwwwwwooood pen. Derelict: also likes to spin shit

Len: they can come spin my shit! gotta lot of it!

Han: damn' i dint know you were a fecal freak. Hehehe.

Much later in the chat …

Han: you at home now ah

Len: me is.:

Han: and your wife is also at home?

Len: no no she is at work.

Han: terrible. distracting your wife while you at home

Len: why is it terrible?

Han: dunno la

Len: ah so... this is the modern relationship. you is worse

Han: why is that eh?

Len: you just open the office door and disturbs your gf.

Han: no lah. she is not around here. she in HQ. i in the small subsidiary

Len: at least my wifey can ignore me if she doesnt wanna listen to my shit

Me: listen 2 ur shit? Farrrrrrrk! ur shit makes sound?

Han: he a fecal freak

Len: oi - my shit makes big sound man

Han: of course his shit makes sound la

Len: coming out got sound... hit the water got sound...

Han: thats your ass la. the shit makes the smaller sound

Len: sometimes on the way out makes a sound, then it doesnt really come all the way out

Len: then on the way back in there's another sound

Han: unless you been eating some stegosaurus meat

Len: and then i make lot of sounds too

Han: damn. i scared. and scarred

Dave: am back.

Han: okie. len telling us some shit. hahahaha

Dave: damn

Han: scroll back and you will see

Len: hahahahah - yeah, sometimes, when it comes out and goes back in, i also scarred

Han: dont worry. nobody checking out that place for scars. if they are, then i even more scared

Me: guys, u hav given me free blog

Han: er? Yeah. just copy and paste

Len: hahaha - dont worry.... just put some savlon, all ok

Len: farker

Han: savlon to cover scars? sure or not?

Facials

Couple of months back I was helping Keling Zhai aka Black move house. He was tearing down his house to rebuild a bungalow and was temporarily moving to an apartment while his palace was under construction.

While moving things down from the lorry at the apartment, I saw a signboard that says "Facials available. RM30"

Me: Fark! Its a business venture! Somebody beat us to it!

Black: What da fark you talking about?

Me: Look! For once, I could cum all I want onto hot chick's faces and make money out of it.

Black: hahahaha. Farker. They are talking different type of facials lah!

Me: Oh ... heh heh.

Black: cibai. how many times can you cum lar? people facial cover whole face. by the time you reach your third customer, you'll only have droplets of your facial cream lah oi!

Me: oh yeah ... damn ... for a moment thought it was a good business venture. farking sign damn misleading. mah hai.

Black: eh, can oso. you want to cum like a porn star or not? farking flood the chick's face. enough for many facials?

Me: can meh?

Black: yah, you eat black ants!

I was dumbfarked!

note: more on black ants in my future blogs

RSVP

A friend's wedding is coming up soon and was just complaining to me that his guests don't respond to the invitation. Frankly speaking, I am getting so farking sick of it. I've helped out in all my friend's weddings and yes, the first farking problem that stresses the couple out is the wedding invitation and the cibai guests that don't farking respond.

The term R.S.V.P. comes from the French expression "répondez s'il vous plaît", meaning "please farking respond". If R.S.V.P. is written on an invitation it means the invited guest must tell the host whether or not they plan to attend the party. It does not mean to respond only if you're coming, and it does not mean respond only if you're not coming. It means the host needs a definite head count for the planned event, and needs it by the date specified on the invitation. Why can't these cibais understand that?

We have to make sure there is enough food. We have to also make sure of the seating arrangements. Mah hai, put them sit with a group of people they don't like, their farking face like cock like that. Food not enough, face also like cock. Especially the farking relatives. They have this cocked up attitude that besides inviting them, you have to farking personally ask them again whether they are coming or not. As if they are some farking important guests. When you talk to them, you feel like you wanna bitch slap them. And if your own friends do that to you, fark them. Lace their food with rat poison or something. I mean, how farking difficult is it to rsvp?

And some dumb farks don't understand invitation cards. When we say cordially invite Mr & Mrs Lan Chiao, we meant what we said. Mr & Mrs Lan Chiao ONLY!!!!. Mah hai, that Mr & Mrs Lan Chiao not only did not rsvp, but bring all their small lan chiaos, big lan chiaos, medium lan chiaos to take up space at the table. That will cause a chain effect on the seating arrangements. Once I had to help another friend to settle seating arrangements by reorganizing a couple more tables because of those additional little lan chiaos that they bring. When you ask them to reconfirm their seating arrangements or their rsvp or just checking with them whether they are seated at the right table, they give you this stupefied look.

And to farking add salt to the wound, Mr & Mrs Lan Chiao will only pay RM50 angpow. Cibai! Tiu nia seng! Kan ni na! 5 of them. Only RM50 angpow. Fark! For those farking ignorant or stoopid bastards, it works this way, we estimate how much a table would cost, divide by ten, that's approximately how much ang pow we should be giving per person. So if you decide to bring your little lan chiaos along, multiply by the number of little lan chiaos your brought. Of course I have also bitched why the fark I should be paying you for the dinner when you farking invite me but then again, if I don't want to pay, just farking don't go and NOT HAVE ANY FARKING FRIENDS IN YOUR LIFE!

Not only that, Mr & Mrs Lan Chiao won't control the small lan chiaos that they brought. The little lan chiaos will be running all over the farking banquet hall playing tag or hide and seek or harrassing Mr & Mrs Cibai's little cibais. Inevitably, some little lan chiao will break a glass or two or run into a waitress serving boiling hot shark fin's soup. If I'm the waitress, I will just spill the farking soup all over the little lan chiao. Serves him right for running around without a leash.

Can we while seated outside the hall before the reception starts, screen through every guest? Sir, no RSVP? Just go farking sit in the last table in the dark corner where they'll serve you Ngau Lan Tan Chee Hai (means cow's dick boiled with pig's cunt). Oh, by the way, how much is your ang pow? RM50? Fark! Please leave your angpow here. Go sit outside and pi main jauh-jauh (means go play far far away).

How to lose a girl in 10 days

Recently I watched a movie titled How to lose a guy in 10 days. I didn't manage to finish watching the whole movie but thought to myself that the chick's antics were quite funny. Seriously, if it was a guy, what would a guy do to lose a girl? I have come up with some ideas which I think will definitely work ...

1. If she is some materialistic bitch, take her out on a date in your Honda cub. Even better, take the bas mini together. Tell her its more romantic.

2. If she is the same materialistic bitch, have your romantic dinner at the mamak. Bring your own candle to create the ambience. Bring a large candle. Tell her you can use it later as a dildo for her after dinner.

3. Any other girls, tell her you only want to cum onto her face or mouth. Not anywhere else. They get very turned off by that. (Warning! Some chicks actually love that. Lucky bastard!)

4. Or, tell her that you prefer to shuv it up her ass. (Warning again! Some chicks loves taking it up the ass)

5. Another idea is that you are into S & M. Just surprise her one night with whips, latex, masks, handcuffs and ropes. (Sigh, another warning ... you might end up as the slave and she, the mistress instead)

6. Be a real slob. Mess up the entire house. Wear the same underwear for 1 week. Don't wash your clothes for 2 weeks. Leave your socks and underwears all over the house.

7. Be mean towards her parents and her friends. Call all her friends sluts, bitches or whores. Guaranteed she will ditch you. Buy porn vcds for her father when visiting. For her mum, get her dildos.

8. Be mean towards kids. Whenever she is looking and is adoring how cute a kid is or how adorable they are, take a stone and throw at a kid. I am not asking you to hit the kid, just pretend that you missed. If babies, just farking make faces and make the baby cry.

9. If she loves dogs or cats, better still. Pretend to abuse the damn animals. Just don't get caught by the SPCA. If she has loads of soft toys, cut them up. Put hangman noose around them. Hang them up on the ceiling fan. Position the toys suggestively in all the kamasutra positions.

10. Never flush the toilet after use. Take a farkin huge dump and don't flush. When you wanna fart, cover both of you in blanket and let it rip.

If none of the above work ... man, you are really farked. But some caution tho', there might be some birds out there who loves some of the things above. And they might want more.

Close 2 Heaven Part VIII

THE WEDDING. We were among the first that arrived at church. Not that we were kiasu or anything but we needed to make sure that we know what we were doing before we farked up our friend’s wedding. Decided to try to run by the entire entourage thingie by ourselves. Besides, Wor Siong wasn’t there for rehearsal. We were just showing Wor Siong where we will be walking in and where to stop and what he was suppose to do. Good thing too as we managed to catch hold of the wedding organizer and got him to tell us again what to do.

After that, it was just photo session at the front of the church. After much smiling and photo shots, we heard someone yelling to get ready. The church didn’t look full but the wedding’s starting. We kinda scrambled to our positions and at the same time looking for our partners. I was helping my buddies to look for their partners and at the same time, I was calling out, where’s my partner. And next thing I know, I hear, “I’m here, I’m here!” And it was K, my co-emcee. Ha ha. Ok. Cool. And she looked hot too. The entourage began to walk in and I was still trying to help Wor Siong out as his partner wasn’t there. When it was almost his turn to walk in, he was still standing alone looking shit worried. I tried to ask one of B’s relative to stand in for him but she didn’t want to. Next thing I know, J stood in for Wor Siong’s partner. That sneaky bastard! He had this great big smile on his face that afternoon. As if he just got laid by Jlo.

Not sure whether I have mentioned this before but Stimpy and I were the groomsmen and our seat was at the right side of the church. When Z and B walked in and took their wedding vows, Stimpy started to cry. Wat da fark?!!!

Me: Hey, you ok?

Stimpy: sniff! yeah.

Me: hey, stop being such a wuss.

Stimpy: sniff! can’t help it man. Its this wedding thingie. Makes me think of my wife and my wedding.

Me: hey, stop it man… I feel like crying now….

Us groomsmen just stood there and watched the whole wedding thingie. I was kinda falling asleep. Not because I don’t have respect for the church or not interested in the wedding, just that all those late nights are really taking a toll on me. Not to mention all the beers we have been drinking. Just that morning itself I’ve had 4 cans of beer. Watching the priest in his robes kinda made me think that they look like some elves high priests in LOTR. Too bad those robes don’t have hoods. It would be cool that they have hoods. Half imagined that the priests would leap out with swords drawn. The ring bearer boy shall be Frodo. Did notice a few guests who can pass off as Uruk-hai (for some of you, Uruk-hai are the Orcs!). Ha ha. This is fun.

The entire entourage had easy duties during the ceremony except for Wor Siong. He was the candle boy and the damn candle on Z's side kept going out. Wor Siong had to at least walk up to the altar three times to relight the candle. Should've brought a farking flame thrower and torced the damn thing.

Was looking around for more LOTR characters when Richie reminded us that we have to wait at the front of the church to throw coins as the wedding ceremony was almost over. Throw Coins? At who? I asked. “Not who you silly. Just throw it up in the air” Oh …

While we were waiting for the groom and bride at the entrance, a large crowd has gathered. Gold coins were given. There were two doves. T was holding one of them. I almost scared the shit of the dove when I tried to bite its head off. When the couple came walking out, I had to exercised great restraint from throwing the coins at the groom. His bald head makes very good target practice. Heh heh. Next thing I know, everyone was scrambling on the floor picking up the coins. There was this kid picking coins so fast with his hands he looked like an ant-eater with its snout sucking up the coins instead of ants. I was wondering who the kid was and was told he was just some street kid. Next thing I saw, pundek was holding one of the doves in his hands. Dumb ass dove didn’t fly away when released. Actually came flying back and landed on the floor of the church and was caught by the kid. Everyone kept asking the kid to release the dove but he just ran away while holding on to the dove.

After that, it was more and more photo shoots and we were told that we need to get back to the hotel in a hurry to prepare for the reception.

Close 2 Heaven Part VII

That night, Z wanted to sleep in Ren's room fearing that we would get him pissed drunk before his wedding or organizing an impromptu stag night. We managed to convince him that we won't do anything to screw up his big day. Instead, we drink and he sleeps. Back in our room, it was only us Malaysians and Fashion TV again. The closest Z got to flesh that night was Fashion TV as it was lingerie night. We just started talking cock and staring at the tv screen. We talked about old times and asked Z to tell us all about his previous chicks and what happened to them. Can't blog about what was said that night. Its a brothers thingie. It was almost 0300 hours when I decided that everyone should catch some zzzzs. Z's eyes were already bulging out like Bart Simpson's (whenever he doesn't get enough sleep, his eyes does that Bart Simpson thingie).

Next morning we all got up really early. At 0700 hours we were heading down for breakfast as we need to get changed for the photo shoot. It was scheduled at 0900 hours. At breakfast, we saw Ren and Stimpy dragging their bodies to the table.

While Ren was eating his first serving of his breakfast at the table and Stimpy was still choosing what to eat, we asked Ren, "slept well?"

Ren: No man. We only slept like 3 hours.

Me: What da fark did you guys do? You both went back early last night! What? You went for a massage?

Ren (looked at me sleepily): hey man, how did you know?

Me: really? (it was a lucky guess). where?

Ren: no man. it was a really bad experience. No one will know about it man...

Us: Come on, you can tell us ... what happened?

Ren: No way man.

Ren then got up to get more food and Stimpy came back with a plateful of food.

Me: Hey Stimpy, heard about last nite man. A real pity.

Stimpy: Yeah ... hey, how did you know?

Me: Oh, Ren told us.

Stimpy: Man, he said not to tell anyone.

Me: yeah, but he did tell us just now. all that massage thing. must be bad huh? shit ... if i were you guys ... sigh... tell me more about it ...

Iceman and Wor Siong both were trying very hard to contain their laughter.

Stimpy: yeah, we called the hotel for in-room massage and they sent these two chicks into our room.

I started laughing. I immediately knew what had happened. "Go on .."

Stimpy: man, they weren't professional masseuse.

Me: what makes you say that? (Iceman and Wor Siong were into fits laughing)

Stimpy: their massage was really bad. And it was finished very fast. But they kept asking whether we wanted extended massage, extended services and at the same time kept looking at our crotch!

Me: hahahaha, dude, you don't know about these in-room massages?

Stimpy: No man!

Me: let me tell you some things about in-room massage.

As I was telling Stimpy, Ren came back with his food and Wor Siong asked him, "Hey Ren, you want extended massage?!"

Ren looked at all of us and we burst out laughing. Ren looked at Stimpy and said, "Man, I thought I said we won't talk about it ..." Stimpy replied, "hey, you were the one that told them in the first place" We laughed even louder ...

After breakfast, we rushed back to the room to shower and change. Z had to shave his head and we began taking pictures of him getting ready for his photo shoot. It was planned that the Z's photos of him dressing and getting ready would be taken in Ren's room. But our room's phone rang and the photographer said he's coming up to the room for the shoot. Iceman and I looked at each other. "Our ROOM?????!!!!" Farrrrrrkkkkkk..... the room was in a total mess. Both of us just grabbed everything lying around, shirts, pants, towels, underwears, socks, shoes and dumped them into the cupboard.

Photographers came and photo shoot started. We even took out the beers and bottles of wisky, wines and vodka we had in our room as part and parcel of the photos. While passing the beers from the fridge, Iceman was heard shouting, "For show only! For show only! Just hold it! Don't open!" As I was throwing out the beer cans from the fridge, I heard a can being opened ... Everyone looked and Stimpy looked at us wide eyed with beer shooting out everywhere ... "What?"

Iceman went "Oh what the heck ..." and opened his can of beer. Wor Siong and I followed suit. Photo shoot was over and done with quickly and we had a chance to laze by the hotel pool while the rest of the Americans went to the mall. The church ceremony was in the afternoon and we had about 3 hours to ourselves. As we were having lunch at the pool, there was a group of girls that came down to the pool. Man... there was 5 of them and they were hot. We presumed that they were either from Japan or Korea and they knew that they were hot. They were just flaunting their hot bodies in their bikinis and we just stared with our jaws wide opened. We had to leave and change for the church ceremony and we kept telling Z that we will go later and see him after the ceremony. We just refused to budge from staring at the girls. Damn! Still, we ended up leaving the pool and got ready for the wedding ceremony.

Close 2 Heaven Part VI

The van sped all the way to the beach and we stopped by a hotel. We then wondered how come it was a hotel and not a public beach. The tour guide explained that we were running late and not advisable to go public beach. We didn’t argue but just got off the van. At the reception, we were told that we need to pay 350pesos as entrance fee! Fark! Again, we asked the tour guide, how far is the public beach? Again, we were told that its’ kinda far, its not that nice, its not really safe blah blah blah … and, tour guide reminded us that the van will come and pick us up at 1630 hours. What???!!! Its already 1530 hours! Z’s family weren’t too keen anymore. Besides, they were not ready to partake in any water activities. They hopped onto the van and decided to head back while the rest of us Malaysians and the Americans made a quick decision and decided to give it a shot. After paying, we quickly headed towards the beach. When we saw the beach … all I can say is… really TIU NIA SENG! Farking beach worse than Port Dickson. We thought, never mind-lah. Can try. Then we saw another portion of the beach (it was at the far end of the beach away from everyone) where there was a retaining wall build and water was trapped in there. EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!! It was farking gross. It looks like a septic tank with oil floating on top. Everytime the waves come in and hit the retaining wall, it takes back some of the retained water into the sea and everyone else was swimming in it. I think if we were to swim in it, we would have come out as mutants. Not mutants as in the X-Men. Probably some farking ninja turtle shit.

We decided to use the pool instead and as we were walking to the pool, the Americans, Lady M, Ren and Stimpy joined us (T went for golf earlier). Told them to just trust us and not go to the beach. The pool didn’t look too inviting either. Nevertheless, we changed into our swimming gear and jumped in. Water got into our mouths and fark! Tasted like sweat. Farking water’s kinda warm and sticky too. After a while, all of us began to itch.

Ren was lying by the pool and I said, “Look, beached whale!”

Ren called out, “hey C, come over. Try and push me back into the pool”

I went over and tried to push him. Ren then said, “this is what a beached whale would say … leave me alone! Leave me alone! I wanna rest! Try swimming around 24/7! Can’t a whale have a rest?” ha ha ha

It was only 1615 hours when we were told that the van was already waiting for us. We grabbed a quick shower and hope that our body parts won’t fall off by the time we get back to the hotel for a decent shower. When we got back to the hotel, we were told that our friend, Ah Boey has just arrived and she was by the pool. Iceman went to grab a duffel bag and we headed over to the BK’s car to load our 2 slabs of beers.

It was a quick shower and we headed off for another dinner with Z’s family. Can’t remember the name of the restaurant anymore but it was an open air area that serves food on hot plates. As we ate, us Malaysians started making plans again on clubbing. Since we have been to Vudu the night before, we decided to try out the place just opposite the hotel. After dinner, we headed of there but there was only one club over there and since there was a queue going in, we decided to just have a drink elsewhere. We ordered the usual San Migs and Ren and Stimpy ordered some juice thinking they should avoid alcohol. Both Ren and Stimpy were really tired and they were almost falling asleep in their chairs. When the drinks came, we had a damn good laugh. Both their juices were laced with alcohol. It was one foul concoction. In the end, we gave the drink to Z in our feeble attempt to get him drunk.

There were two hot looking birds seated at the table next to ours and Ren kept nodding at me and asking me to start hitting on them. “Hang on dude!” I said. “Hurry up man” said Ren. Just when I gathered enough courage to stand up and go, these two huge bastards came and sat down with the two birds. I sat back down. Ren asked, “what?” “Why don’t you go?” I asked Ren. Ren turned around and quickly turned back.. “Nah… we’ll pass” Ha ha

Both Ren and Stimpy went back to the room early that night but we continued drinking. Not for long though as around midnight, we decided to call it quits and walked back to the hotel. Z was already stoning and we decided best we continue our drinks in the room.

Happy New Year

I hope 2004 was a good year for everyone. Even though 2004 ended on a really sad note with the tsunami that hit South Asia, I really do hope that everyone has had a good moment in 2004. It doesn't have to be good for the entire 2004, but at least some good that came out of it.

I celebrated the new year in a loser kind of way. Just stayed at home. On my way home from dinner with my family, I could see clubs and pubs preparing for the party and the countdown. Wondering how some people could still celebrate with such enthusiasm when more than 100,000 people has died due to the tsunami. Better still, imagine rotting corpse floating around your town. Guys, sorry to make this new year blog sound so farking gloomy, just wanted to make those farking party animals last nite feel something.

My brother's an air steward and on his way back yesterday, his flight took a lower flight over Banda Acheh. He came home with much enthusiasm to help out and donate stuff and we got some things going. From the air, Banda Acheh was just a huge pile of rubbish dump. It looks exactly like the rubbish dumps we have in KL. Quote and unquote my brother, "you might as well erase Banda Acheh from the world map".

If any of you are reading this, I hope you have somehow, someway contributed something. May God blessed the souls of the perished. May those who have lost their loved ones have the strength to move on with their lives.

And to the rest of you, Happy New Year! May your year be filled with more wealth, prosperity and most importantly, good health.