Good Advice

A buddy of mine read my Guru Lembu blog and called me up the other day ...

Buddy: Eyyyyyyyy Lembu!!!

Me: hey! wassup!

Buddy: read your blog. why didn't you blog about your advice to me?

Me: huh? what advice?

Buddy: Aiyoh ma! how can you forget??!!!

Me: errr...what did I advice you lah?!

Buddy: you real pundek. Few months ago I was changing jobs and I wasn't sure if I am making the right decision of going to the other company. So I asked you lah what you think!

Me: oh ....... I remember now ... I said, which company has got more pretty babes right?

Buddy: Right on! So I went back to the new company to check out the birds. Man, they were so friggin hot I didn't think twice about throwing in my resignation letter. LOL!!!

Me: Wah .... so now your new job good or not?

Buddy: Don't know about the job lah. But I already got lucky with one of the chicks here and there is a new bird joining next month. I even interviewed her. Damn solid sial!! LOL!!! Thanks for the advice man.

Me: LOL!!! You're welcome. But you farking owe me a bottle of JD or Chivas now!

Buddy: No probs man. Will buy you the drink when we meet up next.

Dear Guru Lembu ...

Imagine me giving advice to couples having problems? LOL!!!! Yeah ... the thought of it makes me laugh but hey! recently I gave a buddy of mine some advice and it worked. He was having problems with his chick and he didn't even know why he turned to me for advice. In fact when he asked me, he said, I know you're the wrong person to ask but what da heck. He asked. And I, the wise Guru Lembu advised. And this is his thank you note to me ...

Hey farker,

Must confess somethg la, not that U R my priest.

My gf came back from London 2 wks back. Started her new job on July 1st. I sent a dozen of roses to her office on her 1st day, just like U suggested. Should see howhappy she looked coming home after her first day with the flowers in her arms. How happy, like the kind where the chick would let U come in her face and happily swallow it for U that kind. Haha! No lar farker, like that only, not that she did it but am sure it's not a remote possibility then.

So, I must say TQ to U for suggesting it.

Well, what happened after she came back from London was that, she apologized and said that she shouldn't hv done what she did. So I hv the choice to forgive or not .... so I weigh my advantages and took your advice. Better to forgive right? So now she has been damn bloody nice to me. Live it while I still hv it. And just like you said, I get to fark her now whichever way I want. Hahahahaha

OK, TQ very much again. Free tmrw? I will be in Beach Club tmrw nite about 8+ till 11. If U come, I'll open a bottle. If U r free, I'll meet U there say 9pm...OK?

Hantu

Its the Hungry Ghost Festival again and today is the 14th day of the 7th lunar month. Yup, today's the day where you will see all the prayers being conducted by the roadside. Usually, its for the entire 7th lunar month in the Chinese calendar but today is the day you will get to see all the prayers done. It actually creeps me out.

Why? 'Cos I am a really superstitious kinda person. And I've had a few encounters before. Let me tell you one of them ..

This happened many many moons ago. My buddies and I cycled to Frasers' Hill and we stayed in a dormitory. Let me try to describe the dormitory ... its built in such a way that there is only 1 entrance which also serves as the exit. Its a very large door. After you walk in, there is an empty space kinda like a small hall and then another door. After the second door, its a large room where you will have beds lined up on the left and right. At the end of that large room is an entrance to the toilet and the showers. There are a few toilets and showers and there is no back exit.

On the second night, we were all seated in a circle in the centre of the large room playing cards and gambling with kacang. It was already past midnight and we were still gambling away when we heard the shower turned on and what sounded like someone showering. We didn't really bother with it and kept on playing cards and telling jokes. Almost half an hour later, the shower was still going on and one of us actually swore and said, who is the dumb fark showering so late at night especially when its so damn cold and spending such a long time too. Must be wanking inside there. We all laughed and suddenly we realised ... wait a minute .. we counted ourselves and realised ALL of us are there in the room playing cards!!!!

All of us kept quiet and just stared at each other, each feeling the hair at the back of their neck standing and feeling chilly all of a sudden. If all of us are here and nobody has walked past us and we have the dormitory all to ourselves ... then who the hell is showering in there!!!???? We started to give shit loads of theory like some huge rat or something managed to learn how to turn the tap on but don't know how to turn it off. We dared each other to go in and take a look. No one dared to even peep. Just kept on theorising all the theories that we could think of including a burst pipe or someone left the tap on just now and we didn't realise it.

Finally, one of us plucked up courage and said, yeah ... the tap must have been loose or something. Even ghosts won't be showering that long. He got up and got a few of us to follow him to the showers. As he got up and has barely taken five steps to the toilet, the shower stopped. That was it. The last thing we want to find out is to see "someone" walk out of the showers into the room. All of us got freaked out and ran out of the dormitory ...

To all the ghosts wandering around aimlessly from the 9/11 and the tsunami ... hope you will find your peace. May your souls rest in peace.

Food Poisoning III

The fruits worked. I am gonna shit again. Wooo hoooo!!!! I let my stomach rumble a bit more as I continued to work. Let it build up. Gonna farking bomb the damn toilet. Heh heh. Hope the toilet bowl won't break. After building up enough, I walked coolly to the office toilet holding a roll of toilet paper and a comic book. At that time, I was working in an office in a high rise building where the toilets were centralised and shared. So the toilets are located outside the individual offices. No worries on stinking up my own office. I stepped into the toilet. There were 6 cubicles. I picked the cleanest throne.

Took off my pants and I let it all out. The shit came out smoothly. Like the icecream sundaes coming out of the ice cream dispensers. Followed by all the gas. The sound effect in the throne equals thx and any surround sound system I know. The farts were continuous. Long. Loud. Then they break into little farts. Some guy in the next cubicle groaned in disgust. I heard that! I let out a loud AAAAAAAHHHHH... and squeezed my ass for one more fart. The guy flushed and ran out of the toilet without washing his hands. Wondered if he pulled up his pants in his haste. Heh heh.

More shit followed. Then gas. Then shit. Then gas. I hear another guy walked in. Went to the piss bowl. He unzips. He sniffed. He choked on my fumes. Ha ha ha. By his coughs, he sounded like he was going to puke. I shat more. Damn. That's a lot of shit. I hope the toilet bowl can accomodate 5 days of crap. I finished my comic book, stood up and looked behind. Damn. My shit filled up the damn bowl man. Any more shit, my ass would be touching those shit. Cow dung also not so much. Looked as if a cow had cirit birit. Hmm ... are those papaya seeds? Sure looks like them. I wiped my ass and threw the toilet paper in. I flushed. Could see the water go and the shit turned a little. After that a loud gurgle and my shit was still there!!! Fark. There was so much crap it clogged up the toilet. I waited till the water gets refilled. I flushed again. The water came out, some swirling action .. water almost overflows ... I stood back and craned my neck to watch .... even louder gurgle ... no luck. The shit was still there. There's just toooooo much shit to go down. Sighs. I washed my hands and walked out of the toilet. Looked left and right to see if anyone was around or seen me. No one. I sneaked back into my office.

Half an hour later, there was a commotion and I heard from a colleague that the next door office complained to the management office that the entire floor was stinking of shit and some farker shatted without flushing. I smiled. Cool .... heh heh. Lembu Boleh!

Food Poisoning II

5 days. 5 friggin days and no crap. No shit at all. Right now, I am so full of shit but I can't get them out. 5 days ago, I shat out more than I ate. Still can't figure out where all those shit came from. Now I can't shit. After 5 friggin days and if I shit ... damn toilet bowl might break. And the smell! Gawd!!!! I'm gonna die in my own fumes. Should I shit with my toilet door open? Hmmm ... Sighs. Better solve the problem on how to shit first. Back to the doctor.

Went back to see the same doctor that stopped my cirit birit. Doc, what da fark did you give me??!!! I haven't taken a crap for the past 5 days!!!

Well, it solved your problem right? Heh heh.

I mumbled ... farking bastard. Hey doc, now give me something to make me shit.

Ok. Whatever it is, just don't shit in my clinic. Go shit elsewhere.

Ok. Ok. Whatever.

He took out this little rocket thingy from his cabinet.

My eyes widened. What the fark is that? Looks like a rocket.

Oh, its a suppository.

Its friggin big for a pill. How da fark am I gonna swallow that?!!! I'll choke and die.

No no. This little rocket goes up your ass.

FARRRRRKKKKKKK!!!! You gonna launch a farking rocket up my ass is it? Tiu .... what da fark??!!! What? I'm gonna just squat over the rocket, you light a fuse and it friggin flies up my ass? Hey doc, you got licence or not? You are friggin sick.

No no. Calm down. I just use my hands to stuff it into your ass.

YOUR HANDS!!!!!???? Whoa.... Stay away doc. Stay away ...

Don't worry. You wont feel it inside. It melts in your ass, not in your hands. (He was so friggin proud of his tagline he grinned this really evil perverted grin ...)

Man ... you guys are sick. Sick. No way I'm gonna let that rocket fly up my ass.

Suit yourself.

I left the clinic. No friggin rockets. Lets try fruits. Banana. Papaya. Prunes. Prune Juice. The next morning, my stomach rumbled. I could feel all the shit churning inside ... yes!!!!

inpm42mecd

To the imbecilic moronic vegetable inpm42mecd,

You are such a friggin cheap invertebrate pathetic opportunist. Obviously you can’t afford to advertise that nonsense of yours anywhere. Stop riding on others you baboon cock sucking amoebic parasite. Your friggin comment was not only tedious, boring, mind-numbing which reminds me of a drugged imbecile banging away on the keyboards with those stubby fingers of yours and having spasms at the same time.

Since its such a great health news, try advertising in the morgue or at funeral homes. You might get more readers there, that is if you are finally willing to take some money out of that slug and maggot infested ass of yours to pay for a decent advertising spot. I bet you are also the kind of miserably hideous and grotesque scoundrel who spams every other person’s mail boxes with your gobbledygook crap.

Stop posting your drivel on other people’s blog. Try seeking help for that acute moronic disorder that you are suffering from. If you have this desperate uncontrollable desire to embarrass yourself, try jumping off the twin towers with a bungee cord tied to that saggy testicles of yours (and if you are a girl, tie it to that flat bed scanning chest of yours with two buttons you call nipples, the bungee cord might actually turn them into breasts).

Anonymous Babe II

I was out at my usual watering hole last night with my machas when I got a lot of shit over Anonymous Babe from my machas. So here goes ..

Dearest Anonymous Babe ...

My machas said I was rude. I should not use vulgarity on women. I only use the words "fark" in the context of "fark me fark me" during sex.

My machas think you are a hottie and wants you back in my life. You sound like the kind of girl who would love to inflict pain on me using the kinkiest ways.

And yes, I was in a foul mood the other day when I replied to your comment. No. It wasn't pms. I was just having my balls waxed.

Tho' my machas think you are a cool hottie and possibly wants to meet you, they have the following queries which in our usual drunken stupors, we try to understand women (we know we shouldn't try to understand but we still try) ...

(1) why do you think we can't keep our dicks in our pants? we are not deranged rapists. we can walk away even with a major hard on if the answer was no.

(2) why can't we flirt with hottie babes? after all, you babes spend so much on those revealing attires with cleavages begging to be looked at or the contours of your breast showing ever so slightly giving us a major hard on and we can't stare, look, ogle or drool?

(3) how in the world you babes sit thru seven hours of straightening your hair when you can't sit through back-to-back of Lord of the Rings or Star Wars?

(4) do you really think an all boys trip to Thailand will result in the boys shagging till their dicks drop off?

(5) and finally, my machas really want to know, in what circumstances, you will shackle their balls if they were your other half.

Food Poisoning

Ever notice that every time you get a stomach ache due to food poisoning, its always in the middle of the night? That familiar pain the stomach? It's always in the middle of the friggin nite. Whenever that happens ... shit will fly. Heh heh.

Most of the time, you will just feel that damn pain in the stomach. Your eyes will still be closed. But your half asleep brain tells you ... oh shit!. You choose to ignore it, telling yourself it will go away. Another half hour, the pain is more intense. This time your eyes will be wide opened. You start swearing and cursing. What da fark did I eat just now? Farking mamak must've used a road kill kambing for his sup kambing. Puki tait that fella. You look at your clock. 3am. Never mind. Go back to sleep. You desperately need your rest. You drift off to sleep.

4am. The pain is really intense. Shit! Yeah... that's right. Shit. You jump out of bed and drag that groggy ass of yours to the toilet and let it all out. First the shit. Flows out of your ass as if you were pissing shit. Then the gas. The echoes in your throne can be heard throughout the entire house. You flushed and cleaned up. 410am. Farks. You lie down in bed again. 4.30am. Shit Shit Shit. You run back into the toilet. This time, not so much shit. But still as bad. Flush and clean up again. Back to bed ... 445am. TIU .... you run back into the toilet and you let it rip. Farks. Where did all this shit come from, you wonder? After you are done, you give up on going back to bed in your PJs or your whatever clothes you wear to bed. Draped only in your towel you drift off to sleep again. 5am ... AAAAAAAARRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!! You are back in the toilet. This time, after flushing, you choose to sleep on your throne. You get that familiar pain again. You start shitting with your eyes closed and your mind groggy.

By day break, you probably have shat more times that you shit in one week. Your legs are rubbery. Your ass hurts from all that friggin toilet paper. Feels like its been butt farked by a dildo wrapped in sand paper. No more toilet paper. Just hose your stinking ass after each shit. You shower but can't help feeling that shitty smell still clings on to you. You go to a doctor. He gives you a prescription. Jams up your system. You stop shitting for the next 5 days. Now you have a HUGE problem getting your shit to come out. Sup kambing again? Sighs ...

The Trials and Tribulations of a Color Blind Cow

Last week, there was one set of documents to be bound urgently. Not just any binding but hard cover binding. Must look presentable. And somehow, I was asked to send the documents to the binders to get it done. Grumble grumble … of all the people, they had to send me. I tried to weasel my way of it and said “But I am color blind. I won’t know what color to choose for the covers”. “Don’t worry” was the answer. “Just choose black and the letterings should be in gold color. We’ve called the photocopy shop and told the lady there what we wanted. So, don’t worry. Nothing could go wrong”

Armed with that knowledge, I drove to the photocopy shop. Nothing could go wrong. Nothing could go wrong. Nothing could go wrong.

At the photocopy shop, I handed the bundle of documents to the lady. Erm … we called earlier …?

Yes, yes. The hard cover binding. What color you want?

Huh? Didn’t we tell you on the phone we wanted black color?

Yes yes. She then took out a chart on put it on the photocopier machine in front of her. Which black you want? This black? Or This one? Or this one?

Farrrrrrrrrkkkkk …. I mumbled to myself. How many farking blacks can there be? Err… just black color will do?

Yah yah, but which black?

Tiu loh … I sighed to myself. Errr … aren’t they all the same?

Photocopy lady looked at me with a funny look. Ey mister, hurry up lah. I very busy you know.

Tembaklah. I pointed to the one of the colors on the chart. This one! I said confidently.

OI!!! That one purple lah. You want black or purple now. You want to play play you go next door okay?!

Embrassed, I told her, Sorry sorry. I am color blind. I cannot see the colors.

OI!!! I told you already. You want to be funny, you go next door.

Sighs .. this is not working. Okay, which black again? I asked meekly.

This, this or this? She jabbed the color chart so hard I swear she could be poking holes into the cardboard chart with the fingers.

I jabbed my finger on one of the boxes she pointed. She mumbled something and scribbled something on a piece of paper.

Okay. Letterings?

Gold!

She flipped the color chart. This gold or this gold? Or this one? Or … This one? Her finger moved so damn friggin fast I didn’t see which boxes she pointed. All looked the same to me …

I pointed to one of the box. This one?

She stared at me. I swear to you, if she was holding my balls, she would have crushed it as if she was cracking walnuts with a nut cracker. That one yellow. You want gold or yellow now …? She fumed.

Sighs … here we go again … And they tell me nothing could wrong ….

Moral of the story: NEVER EVER SEND A COLOR BLIND COW ON A MISSION TO DO HARD COVER BOOK BINDING.

Red Eye II

My Red Eye is drawing too much attention. Its been 4 days. The redness is still as blood red as ever.

I was at 7-11 last night buying rubbers when the pundek there kept staring at my eye. I kept quiet. Then he plucked up the courage to ask, "errr ... sir, your eye is bleeding .." Fark! You think I wouldn't know and still be walking around if blood was dripping out of my eye sockets? What a soh-hai! And this was my reply ... "yeah, I know. Please hurry up with the cash register. My eye ball is coming out and I need to contain it in the condom and bring it to the hospital" And he believed it!!!! Dumb Fark!

Usual reactions are stares but some will ask me, like my clients and my colleagues .. what happened to your eye?

These are my choice of answers:

1. I was breast slapped by a pair of huge tits;

2. I was watching too much porno movies;

3. I was closing my eyes too hard while I was having sex so blood vessel ruptured;

4. I am turning to the Dark Side;

5. Its a new eye. I got it over the weekend. Now I can see what undies and bras you all wearing;

6. Oh yeah, I got it because I was having shagging without rubbers;

7. You know that I am color blind right? With this redness, I can see some red now. At least I can see traffic lights now;

8. Oh, I drank too much alcohol last night. Blood vessel ruptured;

9. Oh, it accidentally got poked by this girl's big long nipples while having sex with her;

10. Oh, her orgasm was soooooooo friggin great she accidentally punched me.

Anonymous Babe

Dear Anonymous Babe Bitch,

Your kick ass comment? You are delusional. There was no reply to your dumb ass comment because my blog is not about you. Just because I responded once, you think my blog revolves around you. It does not revolve around you. So stop flattering yourself. You have issues. Go see a shrink or something.

Nope, I didn’t say you were born yesterday. But obviously, you have never enjoyed the joys and pleasures of a very large dick that spurts loads of nice warm cum and is attached to a very loving man. We are lovers, not just pay-to-fark kinda farkers. So perhaps, you should stop farking that urine infested salt preserved pencil dick that you are currently farking. No wonder you don’t beg for more. That’s not orgasm you are getting. Its like scratching that little itch you have in your ear with a cotton bud. Come to think of it, maybe its not pencil dick after all but its cotton bud dick. In fact cotton bud better as both ends have a little bud to scratch that itch of yours whereas the pencil dick has a sharp end at the other end. You finish scratching those yeast out of your stinking cunt with one end of the bud, you can still switch over to the other end.

Perhaps you are under a misconception that your stinking afro haired yeast infested pussy fits only 1 size, i.e. pencil dick size or rather cotton bud dick size. As for us, our dicks even though large, fits many pussies hence our farking around. So if you can’t handle us farking around, PISS OFF and go play with that cotton bud dick of yours.

Boys' Trip

Last weekend SOME of my machas and I went to .... for a holiday. Just a weekend trip. It was purely an ALL BOYS ONLY outing. No girlfriends. No wives. No mistress. But if want to bring some other girls, she is welcome to tag along. Fly in on Saturday. And fly back out on Sunday. It was a GOOD FUN TRIP. For those machas who whined and griped about not being able to make it or their other halves did not endorse their visa, these are reasons why you should go fark your other halves harder and close your eyes when you fark them ...

1. We arrived in airport. Rented car. Went for breakfast. Had a damn good tasty yummy breakfast. We ate a lot. Damn friggin a lot. 'Cos we'll need the energy.

2. Then we drove to hotel. Checked in our gears.

3. After that head to this famous spa. Each of us had four naked girls bathing us. After bathing and scrubbing down, we choose two girls to massage us. They used their naked bodies to rub all over our bodies. That got them very very wet. So instead of oil massage, we got some juice action and massages our rock hard dicks with their juices.

4. After massage ... SHAG-lah. What else? Pay so much. Get them naked. Get a hard on and go home and wank is it? Fark.

5. After shagging, rest ... sauna, bath again, watch some porn and SHAG again. Different two girls now. Heavenly. Really Heavenly. We did and tried everything. Whips and chains. Leather and latex. Handcuffs. Lingeries. Facials. Swallowing. These girls are so damn good.

6. We got up to dress up to leave the spa but the girls begged for more. We have to oblige them. One more round. After that, they were still clinging on to us. We had to literally kick them away. Damn nymphomaniacs. Can never satisfy them. Geez! Left the spa. Go eat dinner. Had friggin loads of Black Ants cooked in many styles. Fried black ants. Steamed black ants. Sweet and sour black ants. Tom yam black ants. Then we washed it down with pineapple juice.

7. After dinner go clubbing. At club, found out liquor cheap. Bought 2 bottles for the four of us machas. Started partying. Caught the attention of some hotties who left their loser boyfriends to join us. Ordered some more liquor.

8. Got friggin pissed and smashed. Brought group of 12 hotties back to our rooms. And had one hell of a fark fest.

9. Next morning, we told them we are from out of town and flying off and yep, you guessed it. They wanted more. So we gave them more.

10. And after all that, clean up. Back to airport. And back to KL.

See guys, you missed out on all the above. So now go say thanks to your wives or girlfriends who were shackling your balls. LOL!!!!!!

The Red Eye

It is confirmed. I have taken a big huge step into the Dark Side.

This morning I woke up with my left eye red in color. You guys know the promo pictures for SW3 where they showed Anakin’s eyes red in color and glowing? Yep. I’ve already gotten it on one eye now. It looks really cool. The eye white is just a little bit now. But you can see this bright bloody red color in my eye. A huge glowing red kinda spot. All my colleagues could spot it the moment they talk to me this morning and were freaking out. One of them even thought she saw blood oozing out from my eye. And I thought I was gila. I don’t think I would still be walking around if I have blood oozing out from my eye sockets or eye ball.

With only one eye like that, I suppose I am already halfway into the Dark Side. Now, I have to work on getting myself 100% into the Dark Side. Hmmmm… what would I be called? Darth Lembu Gila? Darth Lembu? Darth Moo?

fyi - the red eye is not conjunctivitis. The redness is caused by ruptured blood vessels. The cause of it? My doc told me that one known cause is that when a guy shags, he tries to hold back so much cum and tries not to ejaculate while attempting to give her 101 orgasms the blood vessel in the eyes will be ruptured. Some guys even held back their ejaculation so friggin much they farked until their eyes popped out. Mind you, not the chick's eyes. But the guy's eye balls popped out.

Why not the girl's? Its because she can have multiple orgasms. So she just cums n cums n cums n screams her head off whenever she cums. And the guy wants to give her 101 orgasms. But cums once. And have to wait a little while before attempting to shag again. So instead of cumming and waiting, guy decide to do survival of the fittest. Keep shagging and try to hold back cum. To the extend guy's eyes are shut so damn friggin tight trying not to ejaculate. That's when after a while, the pressure all builds up and instead of cumming, it ruptures the blood vessels in his eyes instead. So don't try that stupid stunt. Think of the girl. Can you imagine? Instead of cumming onto her face and the girl expecting nice warm cum squirting onto her beautiful face or into her mouth, two bloody eye balls drops onto her face or falls into her mouth? LOL!!!!