Morality

I was leaving for work this morning when I saw my bro half smashed and smoking a ciggie at the porch. I sniggered, "wah lan, now only come back ah?". He smiled and took in another deep breath of the ciggie ...

Bro: Ey, how much is this phone?

Me: what phone?

He showed me a Sony Ericsson T610. Brand new.

Me: cool ... at least more than 1k? Why? You found?

Bro: Fark lah. This bitch left the phone behind in the plane.

Me: ey cool. can I use it? I like sony ericssons.

Bro: Tiu lah. Farking bitch go and put her mother's picture on the phone as wall paper. I look at it ... guilty feeling lah.

Me: Fark! Of all the times, now you decide to feel guilty?

Bro: See lah the picture! People's mother there lah.

Me: Tiu. Farking delete the wallpaper lah. Problem solved. Ey, you want me to buy it from you is it?

Bro: No-lah!

Me: then? Ah I know. You want to hook up with that chick right?

Bro: Bollockslah. Ey farker. Go and work lah.

Fark. All of a sudden, my brother decided to have some morals. Real pundek. I seriously think he wants to hook up with the owner of the phone. There goes my sony ericsson.

Gangster Dog

Gangster Dogs. Samseng Dogs. Lately a lot of bad news about dogs. The blog I have is about those stray mongrels. Yeah, those gangster dogs.

Once I was driving along this road in my neighborhood when this mangy brown colored mongrel crossed the road in front of me . He wasn't suicidal. Not one of those gila dogs that jump out into oncoming traffic. This pariah was cool. Trotted into the middle of the road and just farking sat there.

I was going slow at that time and seeing that the farking mongrel refused to barge, I slammed onto my brakes and honk at that bastard. Bangsat dog didn't even get up or attempt to move out of the way. It even lifted its hind leg and started licking its balls. Fark!

I honked again. This time, just friggin slammed my hand onto my steering wheel and honked away. Tibai dog just looked at me. Tiu. I think this tibai dog has a death wish. Fine. I am not gonna get my car dirty over a mangy mongrel. I reversed a little. Swerved to the side. Went up the kerb a little and by-passed that tibai dog.

After I've done all those manoeuvres and I looked into my rear view mirror, tibai dog got up and crossed to the other side of the road, tail wagging and tongue hanging out. Tibai dog. Score 2 for gangster dog. Zero for me. (Tibai dogs scored one when they friggin chased me - see blog on Kena Sabo)

Meet the Parents II

I think its karma. I had to meet my girlfriend's parents and her uncle and aunty and cousins last sunday. Sort of like a get to know me better session. I told K, my girlfriend that if they want to know me better, just ask them to read my blogs.

It was over lunch and I was brought to this italian restaurant. On saturday night, I was at a rustic beach resort and there was no television, hence I missed MU vs Arse-nal. I texted my buddies for the friggin scores but I didn't get any reply. Fark. MU must've lost. Tibai.

Anyway, on Sunday, when ushered to the table, I stood by and sort of waited 'til almost everyone had more or less taken chosed their seats. And I thought I was very clever, I chosed a seat where K's parents, uncle and aunty can't really talk to me. HAH! But after I sat down and looked up, I realised I was royally farked. On the tv above the bar, they were showing MU vs Arse-nal. Delayed telecast. TIU!!!!!!

Why karma? In the Philippines, soccer is not "the" sport followed. Even K was surprised that the tv was tuned to soccer. And the local basketball league was on that afternoon and K was wondering why they didn't show the basketball game instead. I am a fan of basketball but since its a local league, I won't really be cheering them on.

Realising I was in a shit position, I tried very hard to concentrate with the "get to know me" session at hand. Darn. My eyes are friggin uncontrollable. Every friggin 5 seconds, they would look up to the tv screen. Its even worse than when I ogled at titties. I had to try to look interested in their conversations and not just friggin stare at the farking tv. Its like porn being shown and your eyes are just friggin glued to the tv. I tried to text my friends again to find out the score, thinking that once I know the score, I won't watch it so intensely anymore. But my tibai friends didn't reply. TIU!

When Rooney almost scored, I even realised I had clenched my fist and almost let out a groan. Tiu..... that's when I realised, I was in deeper shit than I thought. I leaned over to K and said, "baby? MU better not score now, otherwise I might just stand up and shout GOALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!! and do my victory dance".

And you want to know what my better half said to me? Sheesh. This woman knows me better than I think (which means, I am royally farked as well). She leaned back and said, "well, I rather MU score now than Arse-nal score. You might stand up and shout your colorful languages and that wouldn't be impressive with my family ..."

Damn! She's right you know ...

Beer Ramblings II

If you are going to shag your girlfriend or your mistress or if you are going to do anything naughty, would you tell your wife or your other half where you would be going to do it? No? Wrong! Always tell the truth. Wait!!! Don't you farkers diss me on this. Hear me out.

Look, if for an example, you are going to shag your mistress at the most romantic and impressive hotel in Port Dickson. What would you tell your wife? Some guys would say, dear, I have a golf game in Melaka and we guys might stay over after the game cause it will finish late and we would probably be too drunk to drive home. She would probably say yes dear, hope you have a good game. If she says it happily, then you better be worried too.

Anyway, the point is, if for some shitty luck, your wife's best friends (you know, those typical kepoh bitches friends of hers) whom might be having a dirty weekend out with another guy or a gigolo at the same hotel saw you with another chick instead of your wife. You didn't see her but she saw you. Even though she was shagging someone else instead of her boyfriend or her husband, she'll put a call thru to your wife and tells your wife that she saw you in a hotel in Port Dickson. Even worse, your wife's sister was having a dirty weekend and saw you there instead.

Now, if you had told your wife that you are playing golf in Melaka, you are farked! But if you had told her earlier that you will be in that certain hotel in Port Dickson for a conference or whatever, your wife would probably tell those farking back stabbers, yeah, I know he's there. Or, if she asks you, you can always say, yeah, I told you earlier that I will be there.

BUT ... if you were already groping and necking with your mistress in the hotel lobby ... that one a bit more difficult to explain to your wife ...

The Lembu is Back!

Hey guys, M back. For those who checked out the website and there are no updates, my apologies. I hope you guys would continue to check out the Lembu's Blogs.

Coming back from a holiday sucks big time. I only took 2 days off work and I have tons of emails and phone calls waiting for me to reply or respond when I got back. Fark!

I even have farking clients who being a sarki (sarcastic) bastard put in an email with words like, wah, such a nice long holiday for you. hope you have enough fun and rest already. please get this done for me urgently. i actually need them yesterday but you had to be on leave.

fark! there are other clients who knows that a long weekend is coming up but they will farking call you lah at 5.30pm on a friday and tells you that they need something done by tuesday. So what the fark does that mean? No long weekend lah. Tibai betuih.

Sighs, I gotta go get work done now. Hope to be able to blog again soon.

Meet the Parents

Remember the first time you have to meet your girlfriend’s parents? Haha. To most guys, that’s the most dreaded moment. The mere thought of having to behave is bad enough.

My experience in meeting the parents. I was interrogated by everyone in the family. Then they decided to take me to eat seafood. Fark. This is the worse meal to have when you meet other people for the first time. Imagine using your hands peeling of prawns. Eating crabs. How can you behave and look well mannered when eating crabs? When you eat crabs, you have to eat like a barbarian!

Anyway, I’m going back to the Phils tomorrow. This time, its to meet the extended family. Sighs … I am sure there are more horror stories to blog about.

I can blog more about meet the parents especially on how barbaric I was with the crabs but I am so bogged down with work … I have to clear them before I go off on my holiday. In the meantime, the blogs will also be on holiday. Hope to be able to blog about the monsters that I will be meeting by next week,

Since it’s a long weekend, Happy Holidays guys. By the way, wish me luck in Meet the Parents again and Meet the Extended Family.

Crispy Rat

This happened many years ago. I was walking by my brother and his friends when they showed me a rat trapped in a cage. It was one huge mutha farking rat and they asked me what to do with it. Get rid of it! I said. How?

Well, most people just throw them away in the rubbish dump. Either that, pour boiling hot water or poison that fella.

Pour boiling water?!!! You are such a sadist!

Fine, if you guys think I am a sadist, just throw that damn rat into a dumpster.

Five minutes later, I saw fire. I ran to the fire and saw my brother and friends forming a circle around the fire. This was what I saw.

The entire rat cage was on fire. Something was definitely burning inside. An empty bottle of petrol was lying nearby.

What da fark???!!!

Oh, we burnt the rat.

Oh, you mean you guys cremated him?

No. We just poured petrol on that fella and lighted him up.

????? And you farkers called me sadistic? Farrrrrrk!

Beer Ramblings

I was having beers with a couple of buddies of mine from uni and we were comfortably seated at the most strategic location of the pub. We get to see all the chicks walking in and out. While eyeing this couple of white babes walking in, one farker said, "you know guys, farking white chick is the best". That started a whole shit of debate. But our debate was very focused. Blowjobs. Fellatios. Going down.

For purposes of privacy and protection of certain individuals, names have been changed.

Farker: I am telling you, white babes gives the best blow jobs!

Me: And why is that?

Farker: I once had sex with this white girl. During foreplay, she gave me the best blow job I've ever had.

Wanker: Define best blow job!

Farker: She was not shy man! She took my cock and suck and licked. She loved it man. And her saliva, huh! She really wets your cock man.

Me: LOL!

Farker: Don't laugh. Other chicks like asian chicks, damn shy. Suck cock also suck for a little while. Fark. Sometimes, damn little saliva. This white chick, sucked and spit and drooled until my cock was so farking wet, it was dripping man. She was like a porn star!!!. I was so farking turned on! When I farked her, I penetrated easily. Damn nice feeling.

Wanker: Yeah, quite true. Some of this chicks don't know how to give a good blow. I mean, give lah good blow job. Shy shy don't know what the fark for. Then, their mouth no saliva. Farking don't know how to lubricate and give pleasure.

Me: LOL! You farkers should be lucky you're getting it. Some chicks won't even go down on you man.

Farker: Yeah. That's true also. As if my cock will choke them to death!

Me: Dei, don't you start on how big your dick is ok?

Farker: LOL!

Wanker: Yeah, some of this birds just won't go down on you. Some oral hygiene shit.

Me: Dei Pundek. Of course lah! You think you come back from work and your chick will just go down on your urine infested cock is it? At least go get a shower or something lah.

Wanker: But I wan't her to be there, waiting and pouncing on my cock when I get home.

Me: Shit! Don't get a pussy. Better get a lion or something. Pouncing on your cock! Tiu.

Farker: Yeah, then this white chick, not just sucked my cock. She really knows how to give a blow job. While sucking her hands are like wanking me, another finger was toying with my ass, then she also sucked my balls! It was farking fantastic man. And the blow job lasted like forever. Best foreplay.

Wanker: You lucky bastard.

Farker: And you know what's best?

Me: What?!

Farker: After farking and you have cummed, if the chick takes your cock and suck it again ... its damn good feeling ok!

Me: LOL! You're da man!

Farker: Not only that. That white babe that was giving me the blowjob, she wants me to cum into her mouth! Kept saying she wants me to cum inside her mouth. Wah lan. It was the best farking oral sex I've ever had.

Me: LOL! Now, cumming into mouth. That's a farking rare commodity.

Gotta stop here guys. More about fellatio and cumming into mouth in future blogs.

Scrotum Bag

Last Saturday I met up with Black and a couple of other buddies for a game of basketball. Black and I were the earliest to arrive on the court and both of us started warming up while waiting for someone with a basketball to turn up. Just as we were swearing, bitching and cursing about all the late farkers, Peter came walking across the field carrying a ball. When Peter threw the ball to us, Black caught it, looked at it and yelled, “Fark! Peter! Your ball is peeling!”

You see, Peter’s ball was a leather ball but over months of abuse in an outdoor court, it began to peel.

Black: You call this a ball? Fark! Its peeling all over!

Me: Fark. What are you complaining about? Better than standing on this court without a ball.

Peter: Yeah, stop complaining.

Just then, Black lifted a part of the leather which was peeling and felt the layer of the ball underneath the peeling leather, “Fark, this part here feels like my scrotum bag!”

Me: LOL!

Black: Really! Its like my scrotum bag after I shaved them.

Me: LOL! Hey! Throw the ball over. I want to know how your scrotum bag feels like.

Peter looking really disgusted said, "Why the hell you want to feel his scrotum bag for????!!!". Black threw the ball over and I lifted up the leather pieces that were peeling off and ran my finger on the inner layer …

Me: I’ll be damned. It really feels like a scrotum bag. LOL! Gives a whole new meaning to the word playing with our balls.

Black: LOL!

Peter: Hey! Cut it out. I don’t feel like touching that ball anymore.

We started warming up by bouncing the ball around and shooting hoops while waiting for the others to arrive. After a while, I noticed a piece of the leather on the court. Must’ve finally peeled off from all that bouncing and shooting. I picked it up and yelled, “Hey Peter! I think this is your fore skin!” Black couldn’t stop laughing.

Peter: Throw it away!!!

Me: what? You don’t want to keep your fore skin?

Black: What the fark you wanna keep your foreskin for?

Me: I don’t know. People keep their kidney stones and all sorts of other shit that doctors remove from them. Why not fore skin?

Black: LOL! Yeah yeah. Keep it in a bottle of formalin.

Me: Better yet. You know those dry kangaroo scrotum bags? Those that they made into key chains?

Black: LOL!

Peter: You two are very very sick individuals.

Aaaaaaarrrrrrggggggghhhhh!!!

Ever felt like you really want to farking kill someone. Mutate the mutha farker. If he is a guy, yank out his balls and squish them with your shoes? Basically, something which frustrates you so farking much you just want to kill that mutha farking bastard.

In my case, the bitch. Ok, maybe I've gone too far to call her a bitch. A sloth. Yeah, a sloth. You see, when I was in Kuching, my client provided transportation for us. We had to get somewhere which is about 45 minutes drive from the hotel. There were 4 cars altogether and I was allocated to sit in this car driven by a species from the female kind.

To be nice, I'll say this lady is a careful driver. To be mean, this bitch / sloth is a farking slow driver. Mah hai. Sitting in the back as a passenger was a real pain. I felt like farking reaching out and strangling her and dump her by the side of the road. She was so friggin slow that even on a long stretch of straight road with no farking traffic at all, she was only doing 50! 50 i tell you. Mah hai. I was getting so farking restless at the back of the car.

There was a inlet and a bus was approaching which by any normal speed, she would have gotten in front of the bus. But NOOOOOOOOO ..... this sloth has to press her brakes (yes, she stepped on her brakes even when the car was going at 50) and let the friggin bus come out in front of her. TIU!!!!!!!!

Next thing I know, she was tailing behind the bus. Sorry. Tailing seems to imply she was tail gating. She was farking following the bus about 50m behind the friggin bus. After about 10 minutes of following behind the bus (mind you, it was a farking straight and long stretch of road) she realised she was going to slow. I was watching her speedometer and at one point, she was going constant at 40. Fark! All of a sudden, it hit me. This bitch must be half blind. Or her contact lenses must've dropped out and she can't farking see the roads. Maybe that's why she was driving so friggin slow.

Realising we are going to be late, I told her that we are running late already. She said oh, don't worry. In Kuching, there is no traffic. Fark. At the speed she goes, even turtles with balls draggin on the roads will be faster than her. By the way, turtles have balls? Nevermind. I was just trying to tell you guys how agonizingly slow this bitch was.

Finally, she decided to overtake the bus. Man oh man. This is definitely a woman driving. No farking balls. There was no farking traffic from the opposite direction for more than a 100m but she just peeped out and looked and moved back again behind the bus. What the fark is she doing? Playing hide and seek ah? Kan ni na.

Then next thing we know, this gila kancil overtook us. Speeding past us and the bus. Then this earth moving lorry overtook us. Cibai. The worse was when this old daihatsu overtook us. Farking car could've been in a muzium but was overtaking us and the bus. Gawd, it was agony for me to be sitting at the back watching this sloth drive. When she finally decided to overtake, I thought I was going to die 'cos she was overtaking at the speed of 50. Tiu Loh. One timber lorry comes from the other direction, I would no longer be lembu but probably beef burger meat.

In the end, instead of 45 minutes, it took us 1 hour and 15 minutes to arrive. The other cars all arrived within 35 - 40 minutes. The other fellas thought we got lost. Or they thought we stopped by somewhere to shag that sloth. Fark! I can't imagine that sloth shagging. She might even be moving in slow mo during sex. Tiu.

Uninvited Guests II

Tuesday. 10 May 2005. My cell phone rang. *%@*!! I answered.

Me: Hullo?

Voice: Hello! What you doing now ah?

Me: Errr… who is this?

Voice: Lu eh cousinlah. Si beh blur! (literal translation: your cousin lah! Damn blur!)

Me: oh, wassup?

Cuz: ey, lu eh cooking si beh cha. (literal translation: ey, your cooking is really bad)

Me: huh? (thinking to myself, why da fark is this idiot calling me up dissing me about my cooking?)

Cuz: OI! Lu peh kee liau ah? Sunday lu si chief cook. Wah lang dat nite kena stomach ache leh! (literal translation: Oi! You forgotten already ah? Sunday you were chief cook. We that night got stomach ache leh!)

Me: oh really? (memories of my guardian laxative came flashing back) (snigger snigger) bo koh leng leh. Wah lang boh thai chi. (literal translation: impossible leh. We nothing happen)

Cuz: Chao lang! wah dat nite, kin na lau sai until wah m.c. next day. (literal translation: smelly guy! Me that night got diarrhea until I m.c. next day)

Me: (holding back laughter) tiuk boh? (literal translation: correct or not?)

Cuz: kan lu lah! Wah lang .. (literal translation: fark you lah. We …)

Me: ey, (cutting him short ‘cos I was desperately trying not to laugh) wah ki meeting liau. (literal translation: I go meeting already) Bye bye.

You can imagine my laughter after I cut off the call. LOL.

Uninvited Guests

Yesterday was Mother’s Day. We had a small dinner celebration at home where us children will hunt and cook. We invited an aunt and an uncle and my bro and his wife. Small family gathering. WRONG!

Sunday morning. After finished with marketing at Old Town market, my dad got a call from aunt and uncle. They invited another aunt and uncle and their children. Plus 5 people now. Tiu! Went back into market. Got more food. Just about to start car, my bro called my dad. He invited his in-laws as well. WHAT DA FARK????!!!!!

Swearing, cursing, bitching, I went back into market to get MORE food for these mother friggin vultures. TICKS! KUTUS! PARASITES! PUKI TIANG!

Calm down. Woooosha! Breathe. Deep breaths. What da fark! AAAAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!

1600 hours. Time to cook. Clean food. Lots of food. Since it’s a Chinese meal, we can’t really separate the food between family and guests. Everything in dishes. But wait! Soup. Aaaahhhh … the ever tasty soup. Separated into small little bowls. These bowls are for us family. These bowls are for uninvited guests. Where is the bottle of laxative I bought from Guardian this afternoon. Ah yes, here it is. Just add some into bowls for uninvited guests. Yup yup. Just enough. Nice tasty soup. Served hot. Make sure they all get their correct bowls. Being the greedy mutha friggin parasites that they are, they of course took their bowls without passing on to the others.

Now for desert. Iced longan in syrup. Served in nice long glasses. Might as well finish up the small bottle of laxative I bought. Let’s not waste ….

After dinner, I was laughing madly and wildly to myself as I wash the dishes. I went to bed last night smiling a big big idiotic smile. LOL. I am soooooooo happy!!!!

Business Class

Don’t diss me on this shit. But yes, I have never flown business class before. And yes, by blogging this, I really sound like a suah-ku (“mountain tortoise”) or a damn katak (“frog”) (why frog? Its from the malay proverb, katak di bawah tempurung literally means frog under coconut husk).

Tomorrow I board a flight to Kuching. Business class. Have a couple of meetings to attend in Kuching. I am grateful to my boss for having engineered this. Even if it means that I will be lugging most of the documents and equipments along.

I was pretty cool about the flight until my boss told me, ey Lembu. See you at the Business Class lounge okay? And don’t waste the business class privileges!

Lounge? Privileges? What da fark? What lounge? What privileges??!!!

Before I make a fool out of myself, I have to do some homework. I IMed some of my machas and this is what I found out …

There is a lounge for business class passengers to wait instead of lazing outside the gates like a bunch of kutus (ticks) and ah bengs (ah bengs) in Sg Wang. There’s plenty of food. So breakfast is taken care of. And the chicks, the chicks are simply gorgeous. But the best news I heard was … ‘FREE ALCOHOL’. Heavenly. Just heavenly. But reality check. My boss is flying with me. And my client too. Fark. But then again, don’t think a couple of shots of vodka would do any harm …

Black Ants

Three of us were walking along Bangsar after a night of heavy drinking when out of the blue, Black asked …

Black: ey farkers, you all want to know how to increase your sperm or not?!!!

Me & Wor Siong: Wat da fark?!

Black: no seriously, I found out this method that will increase your sperm.

Me & Wor Siong: LOL. Farker, you’re pissed drunk

Black: no lah. Imagine when you come over her face, you farking cover her whole face with your sperm! Imagine that!!!! That’s what I call FACIAL!!!!!

Me: wow, now you got me interested…

Black: And imagine, there is so much sperm, her pussy oso not enough to contain them!

Wor Siong: LOL

Me: so what’s the farking secret?

Black: Black Ants!

Wor Siong: Wat da fark?!

Black: No. Seriously. I learned this from this 65 year old golfer who is still farking away like a rabbit to his mistress. Its true!

Me: Tibai. How you know its true? You tried? LOL

Black: tsk! I know lah.

Wor Siong: Black ants! LOL

Black: And not just any black ants. You must go get those big black mutha farkers. And you can buy them in packets! All dried up and crunchy.

Wor Siong: Fark. Buy from where lah? 7-11 got sell?

Black: Nooooo…. You get these kind of stuff from Cambodia or Vietnam … You should tell your wife. Maybe she might cook black ants soup for you.

Wor Siong: Fark. I just came back from Cambodia. Don’t see farking black ants there. Dried and crunchy spiders got lah. Big mutha farking spiders too.

Me: fark. How to get lah the black ants. Ey, mebbe we can try the smaller black ants running all over our house. LOL

Black: YAH! And imagine Wor Siong’s wife trying to make him eat more of those.

Me: LOL. She’ll sprinkle them onto Wor Siong’s porridge and tell him its black sesame seeds! LOL

Black: and the next time he comes, he’ll have a farking shock. He’ll think his paip bocor!!!

LOL!!!!!

Secretary Wanted

My friend, a managing director of a prominent, high growth and high networth company is looking for a secretary and has asked me to help him look for one. I agreed provided that I get to interview his secretary.

I am now advertising on his behalf …

PERSONAL ASSISTANT CUM SECRETARY WANTED

PHYSICAL REQUIREMENTS

Only 100% natural female within the age group of 20 - 28 can apply. Females with long straight hair, height between 160cm – 170cm with tight bodies are encouraged to apply. Tight bodies are essential as MD may sometimes require applicant to work in cramp environment such as under the desk. Body statistics of applicant should be at least 36-24-36 with a minimum of size DD cup. Physical appearance must be at the very least presentable. Anything below “hot looking babe” is considered not presentable.

WORKING ATTIRE

Willingless to wear tight thin shirts with top two buttons unbuttoned and short mini skirts will be highly advantageous. Applicant will also be required to wear stiletto shoes at work. Upon hiring, allowance will be given for purchase of matching lacy lingerie to go with required attire. Garters and thongs will also be required.

CHARACTER REQUIREMENTS

Able to work under pressure. Has initiative on MD’s needs and able to satisfy MD's whims and fancies. Working alone during late hours in MD’s room is occasionally required depending on MD’s needs and wants. MD might also require applicant to work at either applicant’s home or MD’s home. Job would also require traveling accompanying MD outstation or out of country. Because of the high and attractive remuneration package given to applicant, whenever traveling with MD, there will not be separate rooms so as to save costs.

SKILLS

Good Oral skills are required. Ability to multi-task and work in different positions would be an added advantage. Able to take dicktation effortlessly. Tossing salad would be a bonus skill. Training will also be provided by the MD's representatives.

JOB PROSPECTS

Good career advancement subject to your performance to the MD’s satisfaction.

To apply, please send full body color photo with front and side profile (preferably naked so as to enable MD to decide on attire for applicant) together with cell-phone number and home address (applicant must live alone). Please remember to send also used panties for sniffing. Certificates of competency are not required. Your orals skills and other competency skills will be tested by the MD’s representatives.



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Pineapple Express

Imagine this, you lying down and your chick gives you a blowjob. You “accidentally” came into her mouth. Her reaction? She runs to the toilet, gags, chokes, spits, barfs, brushes teeth as if she is scrubbing longkang, gargles with listerine, then comes back into room with annoyed look on her face. Potong stim right?

The solution is … THE PINEAPPLE EXPRESS!!!!

You, the guy, need to drink pineapple juice for breakfast, teabreak, lunch, teabreak, dinner and supper for 3 consecutive days. Don’t drink coffee or tea or other juices (except maybe cunt juice) during that 3 days. After that 3 days of pineapple juices and you cum, your cum will have a tinge of pineapple taste.

With that, she might like the taste and swallows. Hmmmm …. Nice. Very nice. Even if you give her a facial, she might use her finger to wipe it off, puts it into her mouth for that pineapple taste.

What about other juices? Don’t ask me. I was told that only pineapple works. Why? How da fark should I know?

By the way, I have not tried it before. LOL!!!! I am a coffee addict. Hey, if you guys read this and tried it and it works, do let me know!!!!

Monsters

I am a sucker for monster movies or horror/thriller movies like I know what you farking did last summer or final destination. Especially those B-grade types. Its not that I have a bad taste in movies but I just find these movies funny. They make me laugh. And because they make me laugh, it entertains me.

To make a monster movie:-

1. All the monsters are so friggin fake. From sharks to sotongs to crocodiles to jeepers creepers. They are all damn farking fake. I always have a laugh whenever the monster shows itself.

2. There is never enough blood and gore. I mean, each time someone gets stabbed, or slashed or eaten, where were all the blood and gore? How come there are no brains and guts spilling all over the place? They should be more realistic.

3. Ever notice that 99% of the victims are teenagers? Most of the teenage chicks in this flicks look damn horny and hot but most get eaten or killed together with the horny pricks in the movies. Always left behind, exactly one teenage boy and one chick who rides off to the sunset happily farking away cos the rest of their friends died. My conclusion, if you are horny and hot looking, you will die in a monster movie. And teenagers meat are the most tender and juiciest. That’s why they get eaten.

4. At the end of the movie, there’s always a short glimpse that the monster still lives somehow or somewhere, most times, thru’ a baby monster.

5. Other than the supernatural monsters, most monsters are a result of mutation. Even a cute hamster can be a monster, just add some a drop of toxic waste, a dash of nuclear waste, sprinkle some uranium and plutonium, shuv ‘em up the hamster’s ass and voila, you get a monster hamster running around stomping the shit out of all the human beings running aimlessly in downtown somewhere.

But it makes me laugh especially when the people die. Tickles me to watch the teenage pricks get bitten and eaten. Especially scenes when half of their body is in the jaws of a monster and they are screaming away. LOL. So funny. No wonder monster like to eat them that way. The meat tastes better when there’s adrenalin pumping. Final Destination is also a classic entertainment. When the bus rammed into the guy, I found it funny. Was in stitches at every scene.

Pussy Licking Good

I was out for a meeting the other day and anticipating a horrific jam, I left my office earlier. Mana tau, I arrived half an hour earlier and since I was early, I went to look for a mamak to have a cuppa char. I was driving around the neighborhood when I spotted a mamak restaurant. When I saw the signboard, I almost drove my car into a lamp post. Name of the place was Vargina. I can only think of vaginas when I saw that name. LOL. Laughing to myself, I tried to park my car. Believe me, it's not easy trying to park a car when you are laughing like that.

What am I laughing about? Its just a name right? Wrong! I mean, come on! Think about it. A restaurant called The Vagina. My mind was already imagining the menu. LOL.

I bet its a place for the best juice shakes in town. Cunt Juice. Cunt Juice Ais. Cunt Juice Tarik. Cunt Juice Kurang Masam. Ice blended Cunt Juice with whip cream. When I told my best buddy about it, he came up with the famous tag line, "Pussy Licking Good".

Better still, these juices won't be served in a mug. You drink straight from the source!