Disgusted

I don't understand why the female species get disgusted over so many things. For the moment, I'll name you one, shit.

Just yesterday, my secretary came into my room, face red and fuming and said, "you men are damn disgusting okay!"

What da fark??!!! How da fark did I get into this?

Before I go on further, I need to explain my toilet system in my office. Its a unisex toilet. Basically, its located in the office. You open a door, there is a basin to wash your hands and then, there are another two doors, both with a nice clean thrones (toilet bowls) for you to sit on and take your dump or whatever. Now back to my story ...

Me: ey, what happened?

Sec: I was washing my hands when this guy walked in to use the toilet ...

Me: and?

Sec: he went into one of the toilets, closes the door and i can hear him lifting up the seat cover ...

Me: so? what's wrong with that?

Sec: then you hear fart, shit coming out and to makes things worse, he went, "AAAAAAAAHHHHH..." ok!

Hahahahahahahaha

Me: what's wrong with that? must've been one hell of a shit. he must've tahan damn freaking long and now letting go sure-lah relieved. ey, when you are relieved, of course lah you say "AAAAAAHHH". what da fark are you suppose to say? I'm coming!!!!!??? hahahahahaha

Sec: no lah. its just damn disgusting ok!

Me: what's so disgusting about shitting? everyone has to shit right?

Sec: grrrrrrr!!!! I give up! you men are damn disgusting.

sigh .... women!

More Titties

Had a meeting today with some bankers and my client.

Damn … its one of those meetings where one of the chicks has some nice racks. This chick wasn’t a really hot looking chick but she has some really nice racks. Only problem was, she’s short. So the racks don’t really go proportionate to her height. Looks as if its gonna topple her over. LOL.

Anyway, she wore a shirt (relatively thin) and a black jacket. The top two buttons of her shirt was unbuttoned, for obvious reasons, her breasts are bursting out! LOL.

But the thing that was disturbing my concentration was her thin shirt. Damn. You can see her lacy bra. And she’s not like wearing those friggin old plain grandmother bras. I am telling you, these are one set of lacy bras. Phew. It was a damn hot meeting.

I don’t have to describe what my mind was thinking of. But if you guys thought I was friggin staring and drooling, you farkers must give me more credit. My two eye balls were just looking downwards at all my documents, so much so that if I were to look at her tits with that kind of angle of my head, I would have to be a grasshopper with eyes at the top of my head.

But honestly, when chicks wear tight shirts, and the shirts are thin and see-thru (not entirely see-thru-lah) and the buttons are unbuttoned at the top with the titties ready to be bursting out and to top it off with such lacy sexy bras … I take the signal as “LOOK AT MY TITTIES!!!!”

Fitness Centre

Recently I went to check out a new fitness centre. Got to know about it from a friend who gave my name to the fitness centre and they called me to drop by and get free trial.

When I got there, I saw that the place was still under construction. The lobby or rather the reception area was like … those reception you see at those karaoke lounge. It was lighted up in such a way that it looks like a club rather than a fitness centre. And the music was blasting loudly that I had to shout to the chick behind the reception counter who I was suppose to see.

They showed me to the waiting area which really looks like a karaoke lounge’s waiting area. There were other people seated there making enquiries and the staff were busy answering and explaining some stuff to them. But I noticed that if the guest is a chick, the staff is a good looking guy attending to the chick. If the guest is a guy, it’s a hottie chick attending to him. I can’t wait for my turn …

When my turn came, this hottie bird came. Damn. She’s hot. This place really feels like a karaoke lounge instead of a fitness centre.

Chick: Sir, Welcome. Please fill up your name and I will run through the q & a with you.

Me: ok. (I filled up my name)

Chick: ok (she took back the form), are you a member of another?

Me: no

Chick: have you worked out before?

Me: Look. Give me the damn q & a and let me answer. Its faster that way. (I took back the form and answered everything in less than a minute)

Chick: It says here your purpose of joining a fitness centre is to recuperate injury. Where are you injured? May I see the injury?

Me: my dick (kidding. I didn’t say that). My injury is all over. I don’t think you can help.

Chick: well, why are you here today.

Me: For the free trial of course!

Chick: ok… you don’t want to consider joining …

Me: No. Just give me the free trial.

Chick: At least let me explain that we have yoga which is good for your injury …

Me: No. Just give me the free trial

Chick: what about the classes like kickboxing and ..?

Me: How about farking? (Nah … you think I really said that?) Not interested. Look just give me the free trial and let’s not waste your time and my time.

Chick: Sigh … you’re the most difficult customer I’ve ever attended to …

Me: well, take off your clothes and I will be a better customer (you really really think I said that?)

Chick: ok, here’s a pass for the free trial

Me: thank you. Is this free trial for farking or for the gym?

Sick Chat

Had a funny chat with 2 of my machas ...

Dave: hello boys
SirLen: ahgoh
lembu: elooos
Dave: simi
Dave: me is back
Dave: thios weekend
Dave: comign cback
SirLen: simi is coming back thios weekend?
SirLen: how exciting
lembu: who is simi?
SirLen: david't imiganiry homosexual partner
Dave: that one is typo lahj
SirLen: no no no typo he just told me he was talking to a cute guy before logging on
SirLen: must be simsi
SirLen: simi
lembu: dave must watch less barney
lembu: n all d imaginary gay frens
Dave: ah yes
SirLen: yes yes
SirLen: is simi purple?
lembu: dunno
lembu: i color blind
Dave: ah yes
Dave: purple and a dinosaur
lembu: ah
lembu: when dave wants 2 boink simi
lembu: he has 2 lift up d tail
lembu: n put d tail over his shoulders
lembu: if not
lembu: tail will block entrance
Dave: ah yes
Dave: the tail is big
Dave: and long
Dave: thick too
lembu: so u like his tail?
Dave: yes nice and long
SirLen: and then simi can bitch slap him with his tail while he is boinking him
SirLen: slap slap slap boink boink boink
Dave: but he is cute
Dave: and has a BIG tail
SirLen: yes yes big big tail
SirLen: to bitchslap
lembu: mmmm
lembu: can imagine wat dave
lembu: does wit d big tail
SirLen: hahahahaha
SirLen: maybe he can fark david with the tail while david farks him
lembu: where da fark is dave?
lembu: silence is admission
Dave: aof course silence
Dave: i agree
lembu: u agree with dinosaur farkin u wit tail?
Dave: yes
Dave: he is cute and purple u know
SirLen: hahahahaha
Dave: yes yes
SirLen: how does the fur feel up your ass/
Dave: nice and fuzzy
lembu: its like cleaning a chimney
Dave: yes lah
SirLen: hahahahaha
SirLen: so it goes in purple and furry and comes out browny with hiney juice

Sabo

Old wise saying, "with friends like these, who needs enemies"

Not too long after my knee surgery, I was out with my machas. Something like 4 months fresh from surgery. As usual, we were all walking like a herd of cows crossing the road, talking loudly about funny and totally irrelevant stuff, mostly about sex.

Not too far ahead in front of us, was a pack of mongrels baking under the sun. About 5 of them. Yawning. Stretching. Scratching. Licking their own balls. Sniffing each other's crotch. Tongues hanging out. The typical dogs in the hood kinda attitude.

As we got nearer to the mongrels ...

Black: ey farker, your knee ok already or not?

Me: huh? oh. i think so. still undergoing physio.

Cicak: can you run now?

Me: a bit lah. if you want me to do 100m dash, cannot lah!

Wor Siong: so, how fast can you really run?

Me: Tiu! How da fark would I know!

Black: Wanna test ah?

Me: Test wat?

Cicak: test how fast you can run.

Me: fark! you farkers don't farking provoke the anjing (dogs) there!!!

Just then, some stones were thrown at the dogs and everyone sprinted away. Tiu loh ....

Kena Trick

Nature had some fun with me over the weekend. On Saturday, I got a text message from Big Man to play basketball at 5. So I went down a little earlier and stopped at Pandi's for a teh tarik. Black came and joined me and next thing we know, there was a huge thunderstorm, complete with friggin heavy rain and lightning. Scared the shit out of Black's daughter.

Half an hour later, it was still raining. So we decided to go home. It kept raining until I reached Puchong. There were some huge rain clouds gathered and still feeling restless, I thought of going for a light jog despite my screwed up knee giving me problems. But decided not to after looking at them rain clouds and lightning. By nightfall, it didn't rain. Not a drop. And I was still restless. Sighs. Should've taken the light jog.

On Sunday, it was hot and sunny. And yup, I thought I could work out my restlessness. Put on my shoes, strapped up my knee and jogged off lightly. 5 minutes later, rain clouds gathered. Nah, even if it rains, it won't be that fast. 10 minutes later, the sky grew really dark. Strong winds. Lightning. Tiu. This better don't be one of those trick Malaysian weather where rain will just fall any minute. I jogged faster. Tiu. Knee hurts like hell. 15 minutes later, all the signs of a huge storm were warning me to farking run faster. And ran I did. I felt some light drizzle with strong winds. Lightning flashed like some horror movie flick. Tiu. Run!!!!! I managed to reach back home, panting like a dog. Knee burning with pain 'cos I ran too fast.

It drizzled for about 10 minutes. Half an hour later, still no freaking rain. Nothing. Nada. One hour later, the clouds cleared. The whole night, no friggin rain. In fact, it was warm and humid as hell. And I ran like a gila babi thinking I would get soaking wet. Kena trick! Aaaaaaaaarrrrgggghhhhhh!!!!!

Alibi

I have a bunch of friends who find me useful as an alibi. Whenever this farkers go out and farking fool around, they’ll tell their other halves that they were out drinking with me. Farkers. I don’t mind them doing that to me but, if you farkers are reading this, please, farking tell me first i.e before you go farking around, not after.

I have been providing this kind of services way back in high school. Pundek friend of mine has freaking loads of girlfriends back in high school. But the problem wasn’t the chicks. But his mum. Kononnya, his mum knows his hormones are raging and she is desperately trying to make sure dat pundek farker doesn’t become a father at the age of 16. So everytime that pundek goes out with a chick, he tells the mum he is at my place studying. I never knew about it until one day, his mum called up and asked to speak to him. I went, huh? He’s not here. Bocor Rahsia … but I learned fast from that lesson. Too fast perhaps, now that all my friends are using me as an alibi.

Not too long ago, another pundek had a secret rendezvous with a chick. On Monday morning he called me up at work and said …

Him: ey farker ….

Me: ey, wassup?

Him: ey, if anyone ask you, especially you know who … where I was on Saturday night, say we went out drinking together in Bangsar until very late

Me: what the fark? OI! Next time can tell me on Saturday night itself or not? Tibai ….

Him: don’t worry lah, she won’t call you wan lah. But just in case we meet up again and she ask, you know lah the story.

Me: Tibai … I should get paid for this.

Him: Okay lah. Next round I buy the drinks.

Me: aaaaahhhh! Ok. Deal.

Cybercafe

There was a time when I used to play warcraft with my buddies at the cybercafe.Sadly, time doesn’t allow it anymore. Why? I am becoming such a wuss. I have to get up at 0600 hours every friggin morning to avoid the cibai jam and these farkers will keep on playing and fighting until God knows what time. Now, these farkers all got streamyx and are playing from home. No one hangs out at the cybercafe anymore.

Come to think of it, its been 2 friggin years since I last played warcraft. Sighs … sad. Very sad. Really miss playing warcraft but sadly, being color blind is a bit of a handicap. Sometimes, I can’t figure out where my friggin troops are on the map and I couldn’t tell my teammates from the enemy. And yeah, my friends cursed me a lot for that.

Most of the time we go into our favourite cybercafe, we don’t get to sit in a group. There was this time when I was seated away from all my buddies. To my left and right were these two guys, playing some strategy game as well. As I played on, I noticed farker on my left finished his game and was surfing net. I didn’t bother to look again at his game. But just when I was stuck in a melee fight, I noticed out of the corner of my left eye, the unmistakable contours of tits. Damn. I took a quick look. Fark! The farker on my left was surfing porn. Nice looking chick too with damn chun tits. Tiu. Don’t look! Don’t look! Concentrate on my fight.

Barely alive, I ran away with my remaining troops. A couple of minutes later, I was engaged in another melee fight. I casually looked to my right. Farker on my right also surfing porn. But this farker a bit Ah beng lah. Looking at asian girls porn. I looked at my left, farker still surfing porn. Western porn. Damn. West on my left. East on my right. Fark. This is the best of both worlds man.

Just then I heard my friends shouting, Oi Lembu! What the fark you doing??!!!! I looked back at my monitor just in time to see my hero dying. Tiu …. How to play like that. Porn on my left and on my right. I left that game, went to the counter and asked the boy there to give me another machine to play warcraft.

Boy asked, “why-ah? Machine spoil?”

I replied, “No lah! Cibai there surfing porn, I cannot concentrate. Keep dying. Tiu…”

Boy laughed hysterically after that and logged on another machine for me to use. My friends tiau me after that for dying at the most crucial moment. I had to explain to them again about the East meets West porn …

I love tits

Okay. I have finally concluded that I am a titties kind of person. How I know that? I can’t help looking at tits. The good ones lah of course. Tiu. You think every damn tits also I look at meh? Farking desperate like that.

Sadly, I think the guy up there is playing tricks on me. Why? Well, now that I have confessed my weakness for tits, you guys must be thinking that my girlfriend has some huge melons. Sadly, no. Well, if its any consolation, thank goodness she is not as flat as a post mortem table. But because of that, my eyes are constantly on a look around. That, my friends, is a recipe for disaster.

My girlfriend, K is a Filipino. And there’s one thing about Filipino chicks, they all wear bikinis when at the beach. Maybe I have not been to the beaches in Malaysia for a while, my last trip to redang was 2 years ago and I don’t recall the local birds here wearing bikinis. Not even the 2 piece swimsuits. All wear the one piece swimsuits. Why?

I have a few theories to this:-

1. In the Philippines, they are more influenced by the Americans

2. Malaysian birds are shy? Hahahahahaha … yeah rite!

3. Malaysian birds are more conscious of their body shape (according to K, even those Filipino chicks who have lard the equivalent of a walrus wears bikinis which my reaction was EWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!)

Even in public pools in the Philippines, chicks wear bikinis. Damn, can you imagine chicks with tits like Jolie’s running around you LIVE? The disaster is my eyes. I can’t help but looking at those damn tits. Even with K sitting right in front of me having lunch, when these couple of chicks with some nice racks in bikinis walked by, I couldn’t help but look. Damn, nice tits. And many times, she caught me looking and says, “HEY!!!! Stop looking!!!” Sheesh … Don’t get me wrong here. Its not that I don’t love her or anything or that she is flat, just that there are tits out there that turns me on. Damn…

I am trying to perfect a new skill. I am trying to look around by only moving my eye balls. This way, I could just wear my shades and eye the tits moving around me without moving my head. That way, I think K might not notice my eyes looking at those tits. This newly acquired skill has been used many times and I think I am getting good at it. Now, if only I could close my mouth and stop drooling …

Appendicitis

I’ve had appendicitis sometime last year. I remember it was during the Chinese New Year … if I wasn’t wrong the 7th day of CNY. The night before, I went to bed as usual but sometime around 3am, I had stomach ache. I cursed. I thought must be something I ate. The pain became unbearable and I went to the toilet. I was shitless. Damn. First time I have a stomach ache, there was no shit. I’ve had an experience of severe food poisoning before and I thought this was another severe attack. I took some charcoal pills but vomited it out. Then I took “Poh Chai Yun”, again I vomited it out. Damn. I tried to lied down but knowing I had to be in court the next morning, I decided to drive out to the nearest 24-hour clinic for a fast remedy.

My nightmare started at the clinic. There was this woman whom I presumed was the nurse who opened the door after I almost broke the glass door after the frantic knocking. She came out in a daze and asked what did I want. Fark. Felt like saying I nak rompak (I want to rob) but with so much pain, I just said doctor. I was ushered into a room where this guy seated behind a desk was fast asleep. The woman woke him up and he looked really dazed. Asked me what’s wrong and I told him all the signs and symptoms that I have. Pundek didn’t say anything and was trying to write something. I told him it might be food poisoning or whatever and asked if he could checked. Bangsat monkey just reached out with his hand and touched my stomach, wrote something. As he was writing, he seemed to be dozing off again. I thought to myself, my God!!! I am gonna die!!!!

I then asked him if he could give me a jab to reduce the pain so that I can work. He nodded and mumbled something to the nurse. Nurse then asked me to lie down on bed and while waiting for a jab to my ass .. I saw the bangsat monkey doctor dozing off already. The nurse was the one preparing the jab. That’s it! I thought to myself. I am really going to farking die!!!! The nurse gave me a jab and I got out to take my medication. Monkey doctor still sleeping. When I got home to take the medication, I still vomited out everything.

By 5am, I can hardly lie down straight. I was curled up like a prawn. I suspected the worse. Appendicitis! I decided to lie down as straight as possible. It was agony. Pressed my lower right abdomen … OW! But my whole abdomen is already aching and all cramped up from the pain. To be sure, I tried to lift my legs … OW! OW! OW! Tiu … I got up, got into my car and drove to the nearest hospital … 15 minutes away. Walked into the emergency ward … jumped onto the bed and told the M.O. there I have appendicitis. He checked, and true enough it was appendicitis. I was wheeled in immediately and operated on. Stayed one night in the hospital and I was out the next morning. The following week, I was swimming in the sea off Bintan Island. I am never going to go to that 24 hour clinic again ..

Scarred for life ...

You know how you always learn from mistakes? Sigh … well, the last time I rammed my car into the ass of another car, I still panic a little whenever I see the brake lights of the car in front of me light up while I am on the fast lane of a highway.

Another lesson learnt … you know about my banjir incident. Now everytime I wanna go take a crap, I had to flush the damn toilet first to see if the damn water would go down. A waste of water … I know I know! But how else not to have another tsunami of shit come after me?

AvP Part II

The second battle has the alien species underestimating the Predators’ physical abilities. Making ridiculous demands, they wanted the leader of the Predators, Cicak King to shag 100 of them in one minute (kidding, it wasn’t easy to understand alien tongue). Actually to do 100 push ups in one minute. Obviously these aliens have been falsely mispresented that doing 100 push ups in one minute do not mean getting 100 thrusts in one minute. The aliens were made to see the error of their delusions and accepted a combined effort of the predators … 100 push ups in one minute which was done without the predators breaking a sweat. Then the aliens have not seen predators’ jumping prowess and requested that the predators do 100 jumping jacks. Knowing that the aliens would want to assessed the predators’ jumping capabilities, the predators did little hops and miscounted the jumps. It was obvious that the aliens couldn’t count and believed that the jumps were correct. Upon completing the jumps, the Predators charged through the first barricade and broke the first line of defence. The second battle was won by the Predators.

At the second line of defence, we saw a huge container contained ice cubes and water. The aliens must’ve thought that Predators can’t withstand cold. They should’ve watched Predator 2 where our brother Predator was hiding in huge refrigerated meat holder. Dumb aliens. They have not learned the art of war. They do not know their enemy. At the second barricade, the predators were made to eat an elongated yellowish substance called the banana. To the aliens, they thought a bunch of bananas would represent love. These aliens are weirder than the predators thought. Thinking that it will at least deter the predators from attacking, the aliens added green substances called wasabi onto the bananas and before the wasabi coated bananas were given to the predators, the bananas were snatched from the aliens grasp and quickly devoured by the predators. Some of the bananas were also stolen from the aliens and hidden among the predators.

Frustrated, the aliens asked the predators to sing words of their evil tongue and again, the predators did this without a problem. Breaking through the second line of defence, the aliens were pushed back to the last barricade. With only inches opened and as an old yoda looking like creature spoke in alien tongue to one of the imperial guards, the predators charged and broke down the barrier throwing the helpless imperial guard a few feet back. The predators let out another war cry. The aliens’ last line of defence is down. The war was won by the Predators. The queen alien sits alone to be captured by Cicak King. Leaving the Cicak King to deal with the queen alien, the predators filed out of the base only to be confronted by the defeated Chee Muis. The Chee Muis realized that they have forgotten their token called Ang Paus. Never in the history of such battles have the Chee Muis forgotten to claim their ang paus. This bunch of Chee Mui aliens must be freshly recruited soldiers. Not only they lost the war, but they lost the ang pau as well. Losers.

The predators refused to release the ang paus. Instead, if the aliens want it, they need to work for it. And since they think bananas are a symbol of love, they were asked to deepthroat the bananas which were stolen from them. Each of the aliens were given a banana and instead of deep throating them, they bit off half of the banana before deep throating itl. Obviously, these aliens’ can’t handle long obiects. They have really small mouths. After eating the bananas, the aliens wanted the ang pau but was totally ignored by the predators whom told the aliens to claim from the Cicak King after he has finished with the queen alien. With that, the predators left the alien base to cheer and celebrate on their victory.

AvP Part I

21 January 2005. The time has arrived. All the predators or yautja converged at the home base of the elected Predator Leader of the day. Each came in their own warcrafts ready for the forthcoming battle. It was still early as the predators anticipate a long battle ahead. The Predators were given food to eat to boost their energy to fight. According to plan, the warcrafts will leave the home base approximately 0830 hours. gunships come. The Predator Leader, called Cicak put on his war suit, red signifying blood. All lieutenants and generals were busy planning a strategy for a successful raid when at 0835 hours, a distress call came over one of the radios. “gorg frx rrkksss gragh!” (where the fark are you all?). Time to go … The Predators strapped up their gear and weapons and brought a sacrificial big muthafarking boar along …

Jumping into the warcrafts, each warped into light speed and orbited the Alien planet. located in sector KJ of the PJ Universe. While orbiting, the Predators sounded warning sirens … to tell the Aliens hiding in the planet to give up their Queen Alien or be destroyed. There was no response. The Predators landed and came out and decided to use a less confrontational method. The sacrificial boar was carried out and into the Alien base. Two lieutenants were chosen and were instructed to do a reconnaissance on the base and look for a back entry to outflank the Aliens in case of war.

The boar was sliced up and divided but it did not appease the Aliens’ appetite. There was no back entry and the two Predator lieutenants were ordered out before they were mercilessly killed. Negotiations failed and war was inevitable.

The objective … to capture the Queen Alien alive. Standing in a horizontal line before us were female aliens which are the Queen Alien’s imperial guards called Chee Muis. With twisted, snarling and salivating features, they looked wickedly vicious but the Predators were unperturbed. Making war cries, the Predators were prepared to charge in but to find that the Chee Mui Aliens had laid boobies traps for the yuatjas. The first trap was to do a silly war dance in tune to their music failing which, the entry to the Alien base would be further barricaded. The Predators continued to put pressure on Chee Mui Aliens, refusing to comply especially when the Aliens chose a totally incomprehensible pansy song called the Dancing Queen (obviously, their Queen Alien dances a lot). One stupid Alien, not realising the danger broke rank and came out to challenge the Predators but was quickly surrounded by the Predators. By tightening the encirclement and verbally abusing the alien, the alien sceamed in delight in fear but was eventually released back to her species after acknowledging that the Predators have won the first battle.

Lousy Day

I had an unpleasant experience this morning. Konon there is the self-assessment system. Tax Returns were posted to me and I happily filled up everything. Thought I should be a good citizen once in a while.

Went to the Income Tax Department at Kelana Jaya at 0815 hours. There was already a farking long queue and a large crowd gathered macam reformasi like that. I macam cool only went and lined up and when my turn came, Encik, you punya borang salah. What the fark?! (Yes, I did say that to the female officer there)

Kalau tak relevant you potong dengan garisan “dash”. Jangan potong “diagonally” macam itu. Lagi, kotak-kotak yang tak pakai tu, you mesti letak “0”.

I was damn pissed. I told them that they should inform the public about this kind of technicality shit. I was so damn pissed and loud, her superior came. Sir, don’t get angry when it was your mistake.

My mistake? You buggers should inform the public about this shit!

Look, Mister, You should look at the Notice Board outside at the lobby before filling up the form.

Lady, when you send me a form to my house, I fill it up, come here and submit. Not farking come here, look at notice board and figure out how to fill up then submit! Your stupid guide book doesn’t even have a guideline on how to fill it up according to your style.

Mister, we need to scan the forms. So please, fill it up again. If you don’t know, you should attend our free classes on how to fill up the form.

You think what? I have a lot of free time is it?

By now, a lot of people were scrambling checking their forms.

Mister, please just refill your forms.

After I refilled it and got back into queue and when I reached the same lady half an hour later, Puan! Sudah betul kah? I asked cynically. Yes … but the cheque you must go and pay at the nearest Bank Bumi branch…

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTT??? Look, you guys want payment upfront. Can’t you guys accept payment when people submit the form?

No, payment only at Jalan Duta Branch or at Bank Bumi or Public Bank.

AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Banjir!!!

I was happily working today when all of a sudden, I felt the familiar pain in my stomach. Tiu … Must be the damn nasi lemak I ate this morning. Nevermind, gotta finish this work first. Lets see if I can suppress it and ignore the pain. 15 minutes later, farking pain came back. Can even farking hear my stomach churning and growling. Tiu…. I got up and ran to the toilet.

It was a great relief in the toilet. There was so much crap that it piled up like the smoothies or sundaes you get on the ice cream cone. Can even feel the farking sambal burning my ass. This crap came with surround sound kinda sound effect too. Whew … It was …. ecstasy.

After crapping, I needed to get out of the toilet fast. Damn toilet was now like a friggin gas chamber. Don’t want to farking faint in my own fumes. Standing up, I wiped my ass clean. Making sure there’s no more shit clinging to my ass, I pulled the flush lever and started to pull up my pants.

As I was pulling up my pants, I hear the sound of water splashing onto the floor. Strange … how come there’s water splashing onto the floor. While still bending and holding up my pants halfway up, I turned my head slowly to look behind me and saw the most farking horrific scene I have ever seen. Damn farking toilet was not working and it began to friggin overflow. All my shit are coming back out! Aieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!! And I thought a tsunami was scary. Fark! Imagine a wave of shit coming after you. And my pants is only halfway up. Fark! Fark! Fark!

I reached out and turned the door handle and hopped out of the farking toilet. Kan ni na. Thank God my undies are alredi up. Damn shit was still overflowing and I can see my shit everywhere. Damn … There was damn a lot of shit. Feels as if I haven’t shit for weeks.

Once the water stopped overflowing, I viewed the aftermath. Phew! And I thought Aceh looked bad. I closed the toilet door and locked it before I stuck a piece of paper on the door that says, “AWAS! Banjir Berak!” (Warning. Shit Flooding). After that I went to tell my Admin Manager that the toilet’s spoilt and to call the plumber. And guess what? The 2 Heroes that came and solved the problem and cleared all that shit were … Ah Bengs …. Maybe I should reconsider ridiculing the Ah Bengs from now onwards … or maybe, just certain category of Ah Bengs only.

Women!

You know what I hate most? Women who merajuk (sulk) or gives you the farking cold treatment. Fark! As if I have nothing else better to do that to watch you merajuk or farking refuse to talk to me?

Classic example ... the secretary of my firm's partner came into my room the other day and asked me if I could help her out on something. And I said, what, got nothing better to do is it? (It was a saturday and we don't work on saturdays but I came in to clear some work) And she went, yah lar, nowadays you very free wat ...

So I went to her workstation and asked what she wanted. Fark. All she wanted was to transfer some files to the USB flash drive. Tiu ... So I whined about it. Fark. Damn farking easy job and that also, you dragged me from my room to just copy files. You think what? I come in on saturday 'cos I got nothing better to do meh? And I continued whining ...

Then she just yanked out the flash drive said, NO NEED TO DO.

Ok ok, I'm sorry about the whining. Bring the damn drive so I can finish this fast.

NO NEED TO DO.

Fine, if you say so. Then she went sulking. Later, I needed some help with the files from the department and she refused to do anything. Cold treatment. See ... how I farking hate women who sulk! Fark! I don't need this kind of shit from you all. I came to do work. Not to see you bitches sulk. I've never tried to understand the other species called women. And I don't want to understand that. But all this sulking and cold treatments are a bitch.

She can go on sulking all she wanted. I just signed a HUGE memo and stick it onto her computer monitor telling her I need these files. Done! Don't give it to me, not my farking problem. Go on sulking ...