Virgin Dick

Blogging about Kenny reminded of a story I heard a couple of years ago. The same incident happened twice to another guy, which made me believe that it was true. You guys only thought that only chicks have hymen and bleeding issues? Well, apparently not.

Story 1

This happened to Tony. One day (many many many moons ago) I saw Tony at my then, usual hang out place in PJ State. A cafe cum restaurant called Pans. He was walking a little kangkang and I asked him, Oi Tony! Fark too much is it? Tony said, No lah. But my cock pain lah. So I asked him what happened? So he told me, he finally went further with his girlfriend. I was confused. Where you went lah? I asked.

Tony replied, "Puki tiang lembu. You farking blur". "Then?" I asked. Tony said, all this while, it was heavy petting, kissing and necking for him and his chick. Then 2 nights ago, he finally convinced her to give him a tug job. I started laughing and said, "what? too hard is it? she think she doing tug-o-war or what?" LOL!!! Tony then gave me a punch and said, "Nolah. But then again, maybe a bit too hard oso ..."

I asked him, "so what da fark happened?" Tony sheepishly said, "well, my cock not circumcised .. and then I showed her how to wank me but she suddenly pull my foreskin back so hard and fast ... mah hai, damn farking painful man!" LOL!!!! I couldn't stop laughing. TONY!!!! LOL!!!!! Tony gave me this, ITS NOT FARNEE LOOK. But I really couldn't help it. Tony, "ey tibai lembu, don't laugh can or not. Its no laughing matter. 'Cos I ended up bleeding and had to go and see a doctor. Kononnya, got some tear there 'cos it was pulled down too hard and fast" "Oi Tony, when you masturbate last time, how you masturbate lah? you never pull it up down up down meh? Kan ni nah! Don't tell me you masturbate just the tip only?!!! HAHAHAHA! Like masturbating a poodle's dick only!! LOL!!!!!

Story 2

This was told to me by William. Apparently one of his friend, Mark is a virgin all the way until he got married. Farker also has uncircumcised dick. On his wedding night, farker too farking hampsap and didn't bother much about foreplay. Stuck his cock into his wifey's pussy but felt painful instead. He couldn't even continue to hump his wife. Couldn't even have a premature ejaculation. Twas too painful. He took his painful dick out and saw it was all red and bloody. And dumb fark thought it was because his wifey hymen tear. After a while, he still felt the same farking pain and decided to go wash up. At the shower, he realised it was his dick which is bleeding. Farking painful for him Rushed to the hospital, and doctor explained, that the soh hai's foreskin was pulled so far back and done so suddenly, it caused a tear and it bled. Dumb fark must have masturbated his cock like wanking a poodle's dick i.e. just playing with the tip of the dick. LOL!!!!

Virgin

You guys remember your first premature ejaculation? LOL!!!! Anyone hoping to get it back? Or the excitement of your first shag? LOL!!!

I was with some friends. One of them is a 35 year old guy, Kenny's the name. Kenny is an introvert and always keeps to himself. Even asking him out for beers was difficult. We have to literally drag him out the other day and while having some beers ...

Me: Oi Kenny, what da fark is with the orange juice man??!!! You are farking embarassing us. No wonder no girls want to come over and sit with us?

Kenny: huh? you mean the girls will come over and sit with us?

Jenson: Yah lah! You go and drink orange juice! That's why they are not coming over!!!

Kenny gave all of us this really really blur sotong look ..

Me: Never mind lah. So, Kenny, why aren't you drinking?

Kenny: Erm .. I can't drink. Its not healthy.

Me: No shit!

Jenson: Yeah, you should ask him about woman too. LOL!!!

Me: What? You mean women is not healthy oso? Where can?

Jenson: No-lah. That farker damn shy wan leh! You don't believe? I call that chick to come over and have drinks with us ...

Kenny: Ey no-lah. Why must you call girls come over?

Me: Farks! You are not gay are you?

Jenson: Farker is only super shy lah. Everytime shy shy like that but his bloody eyes always scanning at all those chicks in skimpy clothing.

Me: ahhhhh... this is like some perverted wolf in sheep's clothing lah. LOL!!! Ey must get you girl tonite alredi.

Jenson: Don't waste your time lah. Farker will get shit scared.

Me: LOL!!! Don't tell me dat fella virgin!

Jenson: Yup! He is still a virgin.

Me: No shit! Oi Kenny, how old are you ey?

Kenny: erm ... 35.

Me: wow... that's old but don't worry. I have another buddy. 45 years old and claims to be a virgin but I don't believe 'cos he is one sick perverted horny bastard. But you, I believe.

Jenson: LOL!!!!

Me: Ey, why not I get you laid tonite. After you are done, the ang pow you get from the girl you give back to me? Can?

Kenny: Ang pow?

Me: Farks! You really are a virgin aren't you? Tibai. For virgin first time fark, the girl will give you back ang pow. its a known rule man ...

Kenny: Really?

Me: ey wait. you so farking blurr I better clarify myself. If you are virgin and have your first fark with a "kai" (prostitute), they will give you an ang pow. Not your first fark with your wife or girl friend ok? Farks! I can't imagine you ask your wife for angpow on your first fark! LOL!!!!

Jenson: LOL!!!! Don't waste our money lah. Farker virgin like that and super horny, I think the girl touch him all come out alredi!

Kenny: What come out?

Me: LOL!!!!! What come out? What do you think will come out?

Kenny: Dunno? What?

Me: Man, this dude is really an extinct dinosaur man ...

Jenson: LOL!!!

Kenny: errr guys, what come out?

Me: Farks. For you, I think, in less than 5 minutes its all over. Better don't go prostitute. Farking waste money like that.

Kenny: Why only 5 minutes?

Jenson: LOL!!! Ey lembu, why don't you explain to him.

Me: Ok Ok. Kenny! Have you heard of premature ejaculation or not?

Kenny: Huh? What's that?

Me: Farks! This is going to be a farking long night. What da fark they teach in school during your time lah? You better buy me a bottle of wisky for educating you. LOL!!!!

Growling

Sighs.... I just had another embarassing moment.

I was working in my room when my boss came in and talked to me. There were some amendments to be made and I decided to amend it there and then with my boss standing beside me.

All of a sudden, my stomach decides to announce that its hungry. GROWWWWWWLLLLLL..... my eyes went wide. Farks. It was friggin loud ok! I make dunno and continued amending the document that my boss and I were working on. But then again, my boss asked .. what was that?

I said, dunno?

A minute later, my stomach, which has a mind of its own decided not to growl but to friggin ROOOOAAARRRRRR!!!! My boss looked at me. I looked at my boss and I quipped, "can I have early lunch today?!!" LOL!!!!

Stress

My HR Manager came into my room yesterday and asked me to answer this phone call ...

Me: Hello?

Caller: Good Morning Sir.

Me: What can I do for you?

Caller: We are a volunteer group going around places to help people who are stressed and depressed...

Me: Sorry, not interested ..

Caller: Sir, our officer is in KL today. He is not in KL all the time. He can help talk to you about stress ...

Me: Sorry, not interested ..

Caller: Wait wait, sir, your HR says you are very stressed ...

Me: What da fark??!!! Look, I don't have time to listen to your shit ...

Caller: Sir, you sound like you are very stressed ...

Me: Look, I am telling you I am NOT INTERESTED!

Caller: We will teach you how to relieve stress. Tell me, what do you do when you are stressed?

Me: I become a road bully. I fark my wife, beat her up, beat up my children, fark my neighbour's wife, beat up my neighbour, kill some dogs and cats, run some old people over with my car ...

Caller hung up.

5 minutes later, the caller called my HR again to complain that I am very rude.

Was I rude? Mah hai that fella. She was the one who hung up on me. She's the bloody rude bugger. I hope she calls me again. I'll show her what is rude. Kan ni neh.

Spare Parts

Usually when I go to my favorite Bak Kut Teh stall, the boss would ask me whether I want the spare parts or not? Meaning, whether I would like to have the liver, intestines etc. I'll always give him a smile and say no.

The recent killing of the tiger and it being cut up into four pieces no doubt brought some emotions and thoughts into me. What's with this people anyway? I was again at the market yesterday when I overheard this table of old fat Ah Bengs were having Bak Kut Teh talking about the tiger. To them, it was nothing. In fact, one of them said, it was survival! The tiger deserved to die. Don't pity the tiger. Because the tiger won't pity you. Tiger Damn Ferocious. Sure Attack You. Attack You Means You Die. That tiger is an animal. Kill such dangerous animal.

I have half a mind to throw my bak kut teh at him. What da fark did the tiger do to him lah? Kan ni neh that fella. Here he is, fat as a pig, eating bak kut teh and commenting about how dangerous a tiger is. Puki maks. I think that puki tiang aedes nyamuk has killed more people than a tiger has in the recent year.

Then, I overheard them talking about eating tiger meat for certain medicinal purposes. Best part, eat Tiger's Dick. Guarantee better than viagra. FARRRRRKKK!!!!. I mean how does that work? I am trying to rationalize it.

Tiger ferocious. Kills. Maims. King of the Jungle. Every farker has watched discovery or national geographic. Every pundek has seen a tiger feed. BUT, HOW MANY TIBAIS WATCHED A TIGER SHAG LAH? SO WHAT'S THE POINT OF EATING HIS DICK? SEKALI TIGER'S SEXUAL PROWESS IS ONLY LIMITED TO 10 SECONDS? PREMATURE EJACULATION LAH! Come on... what's the basis for eating the tiger's dick? Sheesh ...

So .. if I want a longer dick, I eat elephant's trunk is it? If I want a fatter and broader dick, I eat elephant's leg is it? Or, if I want a longer life, I eat turtles? If it really works that way, then people who eat monkey brains .. will think like a monkey? Just what da FARK is wrong with all this people?

There is something called the little blue pill. Go buy it off the counter. You don't even have to kill the pharmacist for it. DAMN!

Market

Yesterday I was asked to chauffeur my mum to the Old Town Wet Market. Every Sunday my dad would go with my mum but yesterday, my dad was busy with some work and I had to do the driving around. Anyway, its been a long time since I set foot in the market. Was just wondering if it was still as dirty and as disgusting as I remember it.

At the market, yup! Somethings never change. In fact I think it has gotten more dirtier and much more disgusting. I had breakfast with my mum in the market itself. After that, it was off to the fish section. Once at the fish section, the aunty asked in Hakka whether I wanted any fish. My mum yelled at her and said, "That's my sonlah" Aunty looked closer and said in Hakka again, "tis the one who abused my fishes?" Mum replied, "Yup, that's the one" Heh Heh. Aaaaaaaah... the good old juvenile days. You see, when I was a kid and followed mum to the market, I can never keep my fingers to myself. Everytime at the fish section, I would be poking the fishes, digging their eyes out, put my fingers into the mouth of the dead fishes, took the fishes from the table and play with them (imitating JAWS), playing with the crabs, the squids.. you name it, I will be poking and playing with it. Once I toppled a whole tray of ikan keli (catfish) and you can see the fishes squirm and swim all over the wet market floor causing quite a scene. LOL!!!!

Anyways, while waiting for mum, I saw on aunty's table, these two sharks. About 3 feet long each. Fascinated, I went closer and .. yes, I opened the mouth. Looked inside, Felt the teeth. Put my hands inside. Tried to pull out the teeth. Opened the gills. Poked the eyes. Checked out the fin. I even turned the shark upright to imagine how the fin looks like just above water level. LOL!!! That's when aunty saw me. "OI!!!!" I dropped the shark and smiled back. Mum shook her head. Aunty mumbled, "some things never change .." LOL!!!! I asked Aunty if I could have one of the shark's teeth but my mum shooed me away. Heh heh.

Islands

A buddy of mine came back from a company trip and was telling me how fun it was to snorkel and to feed bread to the fishes. That brought back a lot of memories and stories to tell.

One thing I don't really understand ... when you go to the islands or the beaches, I assume that you will love the sun. But NO....... there are a lot of our Malasian chickies who behaved like vampires. Damn, their skin is as white as the Ipoh White Chicken, they look like they are dead or something. Farks. And this are the people who can moronicly tell you that how beautiful the beach is etc etc when you don't see them enjoying the beaches or the sun. Most of them would be hiding under the shade. Farks. If there are couples, they would be busy shagging until its sunset when they will come out and ooooohh and ahhhhhh over the friggin sunset.

Another group would "torture" themselves by going snorkelling. First they wear tshirts or even long sleeved shirts and they will also wear track bottoms. Then they go snorkelling wearing a life jacket. Ok ok. I mean, the life jacket part is a smart move. But the shirt and the pants??? Some I even see them hiding under the shade. Didn't go snorkelling. Either they can't swim or they are having their period. LOL!!!!

And the bread. God! You can see a sea of floating people (with life jackets) and loads of pieces of bread all over the sea. Sometimes you dont know if the humans are watching the fish or the fishes are watching the humans. Fark. They just throw the farking bread into the water. No one farking holds the bread for the fish to eat. Wish some of those morons who does that read this. You are suppose to feed the fish by holding the bread in your hands. Not just throw the farking bread into the sea. Dang! To be honest, I was never in favor of the bread thingy. Read somewhere that the bread ruins the natural appetite of the fish. Kinda true. Fish suppose to eat plankton or whatever, not farking bread. Hence I never bring bread. But each time I go snorkelling I see all the pieces of bread floating all over, I will just collect them and dive into the water, hold the bread in my hands and watch the fishes eat out of my hands. Only ONCE I got bitten by a small little barracuda. Tibai.

Another time, I was out partying and getting smashed the night before. The next morning, I went for a snorkelling trip. Was having such a farking bad hangover and while I was floating in the sea after a few minutes of snorkelling, I felt really sick. I barfed out all my nasi lemak breakfast into the sea and guess what? Damn fishes came and ate my barf. Was so cool watching them feed, I barfed some more. LOL!!!!!

Another time my buddy and I while snorkelling saw this little baby shark and we decided to chase after that fella attempting to grab its tail. It swam frantically away and we gave chase when suddenly, out of no where, this bigger tibai shark swam out. Talk about Hai Lat!. That must've been the mother or something. Swam like a soh hai back to the boat and refused to go back into the water after that. LOL!!!

I have more stories to tell but some other time yah? LOL!!! Anyway, hope you guys love islands and beaches as much I do.

Kucing

I was working in my living room last night with my tv on. There's no need for channel surfing for me. My tv channel is either stuck on MTV or Cartoon Network. The front door of my house was wide open. Kinda hoping for some fresh night air or wind to blow in. The gate to my house was locked, so I figured it was okay that I leave my door wide open.

I was busy and in deep thought staring into my notebook when I heard the usual meow, meow, meow. Started kinda subtle but developed into louder and more fiercer kinda meow. Fark. There was another meow in there too. Two farking meows. They farking went meow, MEOW, MEOOOOOWWWWW!!! Hisssssss!!!! EOWWWW!!!! Hissssss!!! MEOOOOOWWWW!!!! Puki tait pussies instead of shagging started fighting. Ignoring the damn noise, I continued working.

The two pussies continued fighting, meowing and hissing. I heard a loud crashing and I didn't bother about it. Instead, I turned up my tv volume cursing the tibai cats. Hoping the sound of MTV would drown the farking meows, I turned my attention back to my work.

Next thing I know ... I heard this farking loud MEOOOOOOOWWWWW!!!!!! and another loud crash. Puki tait kucing fought from outside right into my house. IN MY FARKING LIVING ROOM!!! I jumped up from the floor and stood back. Farking cats never bother to look where they are. Still fighting. Tibai. I grabbed my notebook off the floor. Tiu nia seng. They continued fighting. Crashing into the tv cabinet. Knocking into the sofa. Fark!

Fearing that these two kucing gila will crash into the altar and knock everthing down, I ran to the back of the house and grabbed a broom. Time to practice my golf swings!. Hahaha. This is going to be fun. Mah hai. I ran back out. Holding the broom and ready to imitate tiger woods, I tried to go nearer to those 2 kucing gila, ever ready to farking swing my broom and smash the kucing against the wall or something. I never got my chance. This time, they finally saw me and ran helter skelter. Of couse in their panic, they ran blindly, one ran and crash into the wall beside the door (damn kucing must be cock-eyed, farking missed such a big exit) and the other ran right into the sofa. Farker was in a daze but managed to hide underneath the sofa. Hissing and scratching. Fark. Instead of working, I spent the next half hour trying to chase that tibai pussy out from my house. Fark! I hate cats.

Ramblings of a Mad Cow

Moo moo.

Moo mooo mooo moo moo moo. Moo moo moo mooooo moooo moo moo. Moo? Moo moo moo!!! Moo moo moo moo mooooooo .... Moo moo moo moooo moooo mooooooo mooo, moo moo moo mooooo moo moo.

Moo mooo mooo moo. Moo moo moo moo moo moooo ooooo moo moo moo moooo mooo mooo mooooo moooo mooooooo ooooo. Mooo moo moo moo MOO MOO! Moo moo mooo mooo.

Moo mooo moo moooo mooos!

Moo moo.

LOL!!!!!

Newspaper

Fark! Tibai! Lan Ciau! Kan ni na bu chau chee bye! Puki tiang!

What a lousy morning! Its a cold and wet morning. This morning as I stepped out of my house, my face was smacked by newspaper. Mah hai!

My house is an end lot. So after I locked my door and walked towards the gate, I heard this motorbike sound at the lorong beside my house. I couldn't see it yet as there is a wall there. The wall only goes halfway and thereafter, its fence all the way. Just after I passed the wall, I got this bundle of newspaper thrown right smack into my face! Puki mak! I was so farking pissed I grabbed the newspaper and flung it back at the motorbike fella. Fark! Becos' he was on a motorbike, not only I missed him, damn rubber band that bound the newspaper broke and all the pages of the newspaper got strewn all over the road. Mah hai!

Then to my farking horrror, I remembered that that newspaper was delivered to my dad. Every morning, this puki tait delivery guy would just speed by on his motorbike and flung the papers into the porch. Somehow our timing clashed today and since he was so used to just flinging the papers into the house, he didn't think someone would be standing there. Tiu nia seng that fella.

Not only my face kena smack by papers, I have to pick up all the wet pages strewn all over the road and now kena buy another copy of the newspaper for my dad. FARK!

Tomorrow morning I shall wait behind the wall and when that puki mak fella comes by, I will jump out and let out a blood curling scream at him. Hope he'll farking lose balance and fall into the longkang by the lorong.

Photo

I needed some passport size photo of myself for some application forms. Since I was so friggin busy and refusing to pay any more money, I dug out a film negative of a passport photo which I took about 3 years ago. I mean, how much changes could have taken place in the past 3 years. Not that I've had some accident that scarred my face or had plastic surgery. Even if I have the money for plastic surgery, I will probably spend it on making my dick bigger, longer and stronger like a jackhammer LOL!!!!

Like I said, I was busy and knowing my bro was going to run some errands, I asked him to drop the negative off to be developed.

That night when I got back home from work....

Bro: Oi!

Me: What?

Bro: Fulamak! When da fark was the photo taken lah?

Me: Fark. 3 years ago only wat? Why? Cannot develop ah?

Bro: Tibai. Farking embarassing lah.

Me: What? My photo embarassing? Puki mak that fella. Who said my photo embarassing?

Bro: Not that lah. I went to 3 shops. ALL 3 shops stared at the negative macam that thing come from outer space!

Me: Fark. Why lah? The negative got kulat on it is it?

Bro: Nolah farker. All 3 shops said "wahhhhh boss, still got negative wan ah? never see this for loooong time alredi. now all digital. we don't even have the machines to develop this negatives anymore"

Bro: Farking embarassing lah. Stop being so stingy. Go and farking take a new photo can or not.

Me: LOL!!!! Ok Ok.