Notice

Saw this notice on the public notice board at my lift lobby ...

Computer Vacancy (Near ...)

- Male, Chinese, prefer own transport
- Basic training provide
- Must expert in assembly pc, network, windows based OS, Server
Positions
-Computer Technician/Engineer
- Programmer (ASP/Access well knowledge)

What do you guys think? Any takers? There is a vacancy for a computer. The previous computer must have resigned or something. Better yet, committed suicide by jumping off the table? Possible that the previous computer got fired too.

I guess if you are a chinese male who prefers own transport should deliver a computer to fill the computer vacancy. I think you'll have to provide basic training too 'cos if basic training is to be provided, why then they said you must be expert in assembly pc (I figured you will have to line up all the pcs in a line??), network, windows based OS, server. And you should have a position of a computer technician / engineer to fill the computer vacancy.

Enough crap. They say there are a lot of unemployed grads in this country. Who da fark wanna work with an employer who can't even put up a decent notice? Unless the person that placed this notice really wanted a new computer ...

Picture Blog II

More of my feeble attempts at photography ...

Padang

Padang means field.

Back in Form 5, my class ... is well, has a lot of interesting characters. To put it simply, FUN. So much so that most of the last period before school finishes at 1.10pm, we spend it at the padang. Reason being, at the last period, most of the time we have lab classes, either the physics lab or chemistry lab or the biology lab.

But since its the last period, the boys are just too hyper and we just start playing a lot of stupid tricks on one another. If we get caught, usually the whole class would be punished. Hence, the entire class would be sent out to the middle of the field. Now even though we are in the middle of the field, we would still walk around like a bunch of stray cows.

My younger bro, who was in Form 1 back then, was in the afternoon session. So everytime by 12.30pm, he would be in school and saw me and my buddies in the middle of the padang. We just say hi and go about our own ways.

Once, he decided to ask during dinner with my parents seated at the table ...

Bro: Ey, how come I always see you in the field? No class wan meh?

My parents looked at me with the kind of look that says, HAVE YOU BEEN SKIPPING CLASSES???!!!

I had to think fast ...

Me: Oh, we have our biology class during last period. So everytime you see me in the padang, we were busy looking for belalang (grasshoppers) or getting specimens for our bio class ...

Bro: ohhhhh...

A few years later when my bro reach Form 4, he suddenly came back from school one day and said ... ey pundek, now I know all your belalang and bio lab bull shit. LOL!!!!

Lunch Time

I was at this restaurant today where the waitresses are all hotties. They look really cute and hot especially in their uniforms, tight shirt and short skirts (not the mini skirts short but short enough to turn heads). Anyway, I've already ordered a cup of hot green tea and was waiting for my main order. My buddies' orders all came except mine. Finally my order came and it was this hottie with a nice pair of tits bringing it. She has her top two buttons opened and man, it really showed her cleavage and I was really engrossed by the sight of it. LOL!!!

Next thing I know, she placed my main order too near my cup of green tea and it toppled the cup. It spilled all over the table, my shirt and pants! I just half raised my arms with my sleeves all wet and asked for tissue or towel. The chick was so friggin nervous by then and kept saying sorry sorry sorry and didn't dare to look up at me but kept wiping the table with a towel and using tissue to stop the tea from flowing onto my pants. Thank goodness the tea was no longer hot tea but just warm tea. Otherwise, the next girl sucking on my dick will be having boiled hotdog instead. LOL!!!!

From the position she was bending over and wiping the table, I got an even better view of her cleavage. I was just so mesmerized by the view when suddenly, the apologetic chick continued to wipe my pants!!!! She was still saying sorry and not looking at me but just kept wiping my pants and my groin area, up and down, up and down! Shaits! With the view of her cleavage and bra, I was already getting a hard but now with the wiping up and down action, I came into my pants!!!! LOL!!!! Kidding about the came into my pants part. But the getting hard on part was true. I quickly stopped her and said its ok and took the towel from her hands and tried to dry my pants. LOL!!! Normally I would've gotten so damn pissed off but this chick was so cute and hot and she gave me her cell phone number and asked me to go to her apartment tonight so that she'll wash my pants for me. Woooooo hoooooooo!!!!

Air-Con

I am a dinosaur when it comes to technology but somebody, please help me to understand this.

Moron complaint to me that computer in her room is very noisy to the extent that she has to turn off her computer whenever she needs to think. I turned it on and it was fine. Half an hour later Moron called me back into her room and asked me to listen. Yup, there was definitely the loud whirring sound of a fan. So I said, "Oh, its just the fan cooling your cpu". Moron went "what fan?" "Errr ... there is a fan in your tower casing. It is suppose to cool your cpu?" I said. Moron exclaimed, "there is fan?! wow ... but its too loud and noisy."

"Of course its loud and noisy. Your room is friggin warm. Look, your a/c is set at 26. Its practically blowing hot air. And because your room temperature is warm, the fan has to work harder to cool your cpu down" I explained.

"Its not warm! Its cool in here" Moron said defensively.

"Look, why don't we set your a/c to 20?"

"NO! It will be freezing in here."

"Suit yourself. If you see smoke coming out of your cpu, means its overheating and on fire"

"Really? I should change the remote's batteries then."

"Huh?" I was really confused by then. "the remote's batteries?"

"Yeah. I think my a/c remote's batteries are weak. If I use the remote outside (there is another a/c remote outside her room), my a/c is cooler. So, previously, I've asked admin to change the batteries in my a/c remote and the air will be cooler" Moron explained confidendently.

"????????" I was just speechless. Technology is just way to far ahead for me to comprehend. You change the batteries and the air becomes cooler?

Con Job III

I arrived at my macha's house. From my car, I could see two Ah Bengs and one really hot looking bird with nice racks standing outside his house. I got out of my car and walked up to them with the bird's tits acting as a homing beacon. Fark, I was like a bug flying to the light and get zapped. In this case, I hope I fly to the tits and get farked. LOL!!!

The Ah Bengs started explaining the same shit again to me about the lucky draw and showed me brochures but my eyes was definitely staring elsewhere. Heh heh...

Ah Beng: So, you want to buy lucky law?

Me & my Macha: Yeah, sure ..

My macha opened his wallet and pulled out RM2000 cash ...

Me: There's 2K there. But, I will give you the money and you give me the envelope somewhere else.

Ah Beng: Anywhere oso can.

Me: Okay. Follow me.

My macha and I jumped into his car and we drove off leading the way. One of the Ah Beng rode with us while the other two followed in another car. In 10 minutes, our car stopped in front of the PJ Balai Polis. The Ah Beng asked why we stopping there.

Me: We go in. I give you cash. You give me envelope. Then I ask policeman open envelope for good luck.

Ah Beng: errrr... why not go to my office in kepong. nearby oso got police station.

Me: No no. Dis police station very ong wan. I want to win tour to Europe.

Ah Beng: errrr... why you scared ah? we registered wan lah. sure win prize.

Me: Yah yah. I know sure win. But I want to win bigger prize. So this police station very lucky wan. sure win big prize wan.

Ah Beng: errr.. like that, we come back and talk to you again. we go back to office first.

He jumped out of our car and went into his buddy's car and sped off. My macha and I almost died laughing. But my pundek macha already got the chick's cell phone number. The following week... my macha had drinks with her... that bastard!

Con Job II

Me: Dei! You know very well this is a con job right? You are the farker conning everyone and now you are being conned! Don’t be so farking greedy can or not? RM2,000 for one kancil. Tiu!!!!!

Macha: Hahahaah. Wait Wait. I know this is a farking con job lah! You are talking to the trick master here ok!

Me: Then? What da fark you call me for? Ask them to fark off lah.

Macha: Aaaaahhh… The girl has some really nice big tits. I feel like farking her breast.

Me: Fark. Then you pay her lah and take her into your half renovated house. Hahaha

Macha: Hahaha.. so how? I tell these people to fark off?

Me: No no. Wait wait. We torture them a bit. Let me talk to them.

Macha: ok ok .. wait ah …

I could hear my Macha passing his cell phone to one of the guys saying "Here, here ... you cakap sama saya punya consultant ..." (Fark! Suddenly I became his consultant. Tibai betuih)

Con: Hello?

Me: Hello. Good Morning. May I know the company that you are representing?

Con: Errr... My company in Kepong wan .. Oredi legister wan ...

Me: I'm sorry. But may I know the name of your company please?

Con: Huh? Lei hoi kong kwong tung wah mo? (Can you speak in cantonese?)

Fark! He wants to pull off a con and he wants me to speak in cantonese??!!! Sheesh!

Me: I'm sorry. My cantonese is not that good. But you said your company has been registered?

Con: yes yes. olredi legister.

Me: Okay. Registered with?

Con: there. at the mall there.

Me: You mean the ROC?

Con: errr yes yes.

Me: Tell me about your lucky draw?

Con: Can I tell you in chinese?

Me: Sure

Con told me the exact same shit my Macha told me.

Me: Hmmmm... have you registered your scheme with the Ministry of Domestic Trade?

Con: Har? Olredi legister. Olredi legister.

Me: Can you show my friend your permits?

Con: Can can. You want to buy lucky draw oso? I come to your office?

Me: No. No. Please show my friend your permits and pass the phone back to him.

I hear them talking and my Macha took back the phone ...

Me: Ey farker! Puki mak can't even speak english. How da fark they trying to con you?

Macha: Fark. While talking to you, I was already working my charms on the girl. Can't speak much english but who the fark cares. Her tits are damn nice. Hahaha. So, what is dis farker trying to show me the brochures all.

Me: Tibai. He was supposed to show you his permits lah.

Macha: okay okay.

I hear him saying, "Mana permit? Permit adakah? Itu bukan permit. Saya mau permit"

Macha: Hello? Farklah. He doesn't know what permit lah.

Me: Obviously he doesn't have any. Hahaha

Macha: So how now? You want to come here and see the tits or not? Then we make their lives more difficult.

Me: Hmmmm... ok. Give me 10 minutes. Will be there pronto.

I hear my Macha telling them that I want to buy the Lucky Draw also and to wait ...

Next blog: what we did next ....

Con Job I

My macha was overseeing his renovation works when he called me …

Macha: Ey Lembu! What you doing now ey?

Me: Farking.

Macha: Serious ah?

Me: Tiu! You call me at work. Of course I am working lah.

Macha: How I know you? Maybe you shagging your secretary? Heh Heh. Ey Lembu, I need some advice …

Me: Oh no… here we go again ..

Macha: I am standing here at my garden watching my contractors renovate my house and these people came in and talked to me ..

Me: What people?

Macha: Two guys and a chick.

Me: Errr… so?

Macha: So, they trying to sell me something and I want your advice …

Me: If they are selling you the girl, let me “test drive” the girl first then I advice you. Hahaha

Macha: No-lah! They tell me that they are from this company and are offering to sell me a lucky draw for RM2,000.00

Me: OI! Don’t you farking dare tell me you already paid the money!!!

Macha: Wait wait. Listen to me first …

Me: Ok. Go on …

Macha: So ah, they showed me the list of prizes. Got Kancil. Got Kenari. Got Tour to Europe. Got Electrical Products. Got ..

Me: Is the girl one of the prizes or not? Haha

Macha: Fark! Pay attention a bit can or not. Damn “hamsap-lah” you (literally translated to mean perverted)

Me: ok ok, my bad. Go on …

Macha: So, they said, if I pay them RM2,000.00, they give me an envelope. I open the envelope and guarantee to win. Every envelope sure got prize. No need to be afraid no prize as I open the envelope in their presence. If I win the car, I don’t have to pay anything else. Or if I win the Tour to Europe, I don’t have to pay anything else. All I have paid for was the RM2,000.00. But if I open an envelope, I get RM500.00 voucher, they will instantly refund back RM1,500.00 and I keep the voucher. So now ah, I want to hear your advice ..

My advice in the next blog …

Bora

Got a comment from Mimzzzy that asked "Is it safe to go to Boracay these days???"

Guru Lembu says, YES!!!!

If you need more information, I have added a hyperlink to Bora's website. Hope it helps. If you need recommendations on what to do, where to stay, where to eat, feel free to ask.

Violation

The names of the characters in today's blog have been changed intentionally for various stupid reasons.

MU drew 1-1. Arsenal lost 2-1. I can explain that. Last saturday, 2 of my machas and I planned to go watch the games and drink at the same time. It was me, Henry and Roy. Immediately after basketball, instead of heading back to our respective homes to shower, we all went to Roy's house to shower. I brought my own gears but Henry forgot his towel. So he asked Roy if he could borrow a towel. Roy's wife got him a fresh towel.

I was the first to finish showering. Was having some whisky and watching tv while waiting for Roy and Henry to finish showering. Roy was the second to finish. He was making another drink for himself when Henry came out of the shower ...

Roy: What da fark??!!!

Henry: What?

Roy: That towel!!!!

Henry: Yah man. Tell me about it.

Roy: Give it back to me!

Roy grabbed the towel from Henry. It was a Manchester United towel. Roy was a die hard MU fan and Henry was a die hard Arsenal fan.

Henry: Dei! Your wife gave that to me to use lah. What do you want me to do?

Roy: How could she do this to me?

I was already rolling on the floor laughing. "Ey Henry, you let a MU towel touch your body? Don't you feel violated?" LOL!!!

Henry: Fark man. I feel damn violated man. Using a MU towel to towel dry my perfect Arsenal body.

Roy: Fark. I think my towel is the one being violated. God knows where the fark its been to. Probably drying some where where no towel has gone before. Tibai Dog.

LOL!!!

That night in Bangsar after MU's game ...

Roy: Fark! I knew this would happen. This is the kind of shit I get after my towel touch that farking Arsenal body, MU can't play tonight.

Henry: Don't give cock excuse all ok. They suck!

And after Arsenal's game ...

Henry: Tiuuuuuu..... Damn hai lat! Your farking towel damn suey!!!!!!

Roy: LOL!!!! Serves you farkers right!

Me: Guys! Maybe both of you should get Chelsea's towel and towel it up your ass the next you guys shower! LOL!!!!!!

Oink!

I went to have my lunch today with some of my buddies at this restaurant that serves penang hawker dishes but has a huge HALAL sign board on the outside.

After we have all sat down and the menu was given to us, we each ordered what we wanted to eat. The typical curry laksa, fried kuey teow, assam laksa etc

10 minutes later we were busy stuffing our mouths with food when this group of women just sat down at the table next to us and after the waiter gave them the menu, you can hear them mumbling and talking and laughing over what to order. All of a sudden, one of the chicks got angry. She said, “What is this?!!! I thought they say halal?!!!”

Then her friends looked at the menu and said, “Yah hor .. why like that?! So terrible” And with that, they went on complaining and became agitated and started waving wildly to the nearest waiter.

Curious on what’s happening especially with all the commotion, my buddies and I decided to be kepoh a bit and decided to keep a close watch on what was happening and at the same time, still digging into our assam laksa and kuey teow.

After a few more frantic waves, a waiter came.

Women: Excuse me? I thought this was a halal restaurant?

Waiter: Yes it is. Would you like to order now?

Women: Hello? Look at your menu!!! How can you say its halal?

We started looking at the menu. My buddies’ mouth were full of fried kuey teow and I was still busy slurping in the assam laksa noodles. Which dish got pork lah? We wondered …

Waiter: Huh? I’m sorry but I don’t understand …

Women: Look here! On the menu! It says “Pork Free”. Why are you giving out free pork and still say you are a halal restaurant!

Sadly, that statement evoked an eruption of uncontrollable and maniacal laughter from me and my buddies. A mouthful of fried kuey teow was spewed out onto one of my buddies’ shirt. Another guy choked on his curry laksa. Had curry laksa stains all over his shirt. I suffered the worse fate of all. Unable to control my laughter, I choked on my assam laksa noodle and had a small piece of the stupid noodle lodged in my nostril. All I can say is, it wasn’t a good experience. Could feel the spices of the assam laksa burn my nostril. Damn hai lat! Bet you guys that it even burnt my sinus off. Damn tibai. I had to blow my nose to dislodge the damn noodle and was still laughing at the same time. What a feat! And the damn noodle landed back into my assam laksa bowl. Damn!!!

The women looked at us in total disgust. Our behaviour was totally unacceptable. Hooligans! Crude. But kudos to the waiter. He coolly said, “Erm, Pork Free means the food here is free of pork” which could only provoke more laughter from us and looks of embarrassment for the women. They didn’t bother ordering their food anymore. Stood up and stepped out and stormed away. The waiter looked at us and howled in laughter after that. And for my suffering with the assam laksa noodle in my nose, I got a free bowl of ice kacang. =)

Chicken Pox

A macha of mine kena chicken pox recently and that brought back some good memories. I was in high school and shared the same room with my brother. Our older brother kena chicken pox earlier and both of us cursed and sweared at him and avoided him as much as we could. A couple of days later, when we both woke up for school and changed into our school uniforms in our room …

I have just taken off my shirt and was about to put on the school uniform …

Bro: Oi! What’s that on your back?!

Me: What? Can’t see lah farker. What’s that?

My bro stepped closer and stared at it …

Bro: LOL!!!! You kena already!!! LOL!!!!

I rushed to the mirror and to my horror, I see some blisters on my back. Fark! Fark! Fark! My bro was still laughing and as he removed his shirt ..

Me: Ey pundek. You don’t laugh. You also got.

Bro: Tiuuuuuuuuuu ….

3 hours later, we were both in a clinic waiting for our turn. Damn clinic was packed with people with all kinds of sickness. There were also some pundeks who went there for medical check up ..

Me: Ey, whose one more serious? Yours or mine?

Bro: How the fark I know lah?

Me: Erm … maybe we count and see how many blisters we have. The one with most blisters mean more seriouslah!

Bro: Ok Ok

To the horror of the other patients and people sitting around us, we started counting aloud. When it came to the blisters on our back, we pulled up our shirt and let the other count … 24, 25, 26 … wah lan! Damn a lot of blisters on your back man!!! (We could see the other people start sitting further away from us) Heh Heh

Bro: ey, private part one counted ah?

Me: Wah lan! There also you kena ah?

Bro: Wonder if I can still kencing or not … heh heh

A minute later…

Bro: Oi! Too many to count lah. See who has the biggest blister?

Me: Hmmmmm…. Ok!

We started showing each other the blisters we think it’s the biggest. The clinic nurse came over and asked us to speak softly and not disturb the other patients. Bitch even asked us to sit further away from the other patients. Fark!

Me: Ey, what do you think is inside the blisters ah? Looks like water only …

Bro: Dei, people ask us to keep quiet lah .. OW!!!!! WHAT DA FA???????!!!!! (I just burst a blister of his …)

Me: Pain ah?

Bro: Farker! I burst your blister and see!

Me: See .. its just like water (I was rubbing the liquid in between my fingers)

All the other patients looked at us with assortment of expressions. Disgust. Anger. Irritated. Heh Heh.

Seeing their stupid expressions, I then went for the kill. “I wonder if it has any taste?” And with that, I put my index finger to my tongue and tasted the liquid … That finally settled it. A patient grossed out and called the nurse. We still have to wait for about another 12 more people before our turn but we got ushered into the doctor’s room immediately on grounds that we were contagious …

3 days later, I even have blisters in my throat … ended up with liquid diet and sucking through a straw for 2 weeks.

Moral of the story: Don’t farking go and taste the liquid in your chicken pox blisters!!!!

Agony

Wow ... it really has been a while since I blogged. Not that I am running out of blogs but just couldn't find the time to blog. Like I said before, I only blog when I have the time. I understand there are some readers out there who wondered what happened to this Lembu, maybe kena sembelih already. Heh heh. Sorry guys, been really really busy.

Speaking of kena sembelih, what do you guys think of agony? What can be really really agonizing? For me, I think there are two things which can be really agonizing. It has got to do with scratching. Yup. You guessed it. No. 1 is when my balls itch. No. 2 is when my lubang hidung itch. Damn! When these two places itch, you really really have to reach in there and scratch them. Its totally agonizing for me if I can't scratch them.

Some chicks ask, why men scratch? Because itchy lah. What kind of cock question is that? Why it itches? I don't know. Could be STD. My buddies might have STD. But not me. Sometimes while standing in a public place or sitting in a public area, my balls start to itch. As the itch grows, I take a quick look around but instead of shoving my hands into my pants and scratch myself to ecstacy, I put my hands into my pocket and try to make it look as if I am looking for something in my pocket. That way I can scratch that damn itch without making myself look disgusting to any hot chicks who were around. But sometimes, really cannot help it especially when the itch is at the furthest reach of your balls. You really have to strectch your fingers and scratch it and that will usually draw a disgusted and aghast look on any women that sees it. But come on! Its so friggin itchy. If its itchy, you scratch it. That's my policy. Same goes for your nostril. It itches, you just shove your index finger into it and scratch. If there is any snot, just wipe it off on anything that is around you. The wall, the pillar, the table, chair, whatever. Even your friend's shirt. HAHA!!!

Ok ok .. can't spend too much time blogging. Have tons of work to clear and all this talk about scratching my balls is making my balls itchy again ...