Titties

I have a lady friend who has these …. erm….friggin huge tits. Size …? I dunno. I am never good with this kind of shit. Perhaps its XXL size? LOL

For the life of me, I just cannot remember all those sizes. My buddies have tried telling me so many friggin times but all I can remember is its like batteries. AAA for smaller batteries, AA, C, D. Am I on the right track?

My buddy, Z tells me this, quote and unquote “the number is the chest diameter loh n the alphabet the boob size loh”

But I still find it difficult to visualize. Once I had this power point slide that has this ABC song with all the titties and I lost that damn slide. Dang. But if A is smallest, its like ciku? Then slowly grow bigger? Ciku? Then what size? Apple? Orange? Grapefruit is what? Got size C kah? Wah lan, if size DD is what? Watermelon?

Anyway, back to my lady friend … lets’ call her TTL, its short for Tuah Tuah Liap (its hokkien. In English, means BIG BIG ONES) heehee.

Now TTL always tells people that she is proud of her assets. And I always say that’s bullshit. You see, she always wear all those friggin conservative dress. Well … honestly, she is on the round side, like doraemon like that. But with all the roundness, comes the big ones. Otherwise, so round and so flat, a bit out of proportion leh.

Now, TTL though always telling people she is proud of it, I disagree. Why? Her conservative dress. She dresses like the old Ah Mah like that. I’ve known her for 4 friggin years and all her clothes is always up to her neck. Never once you see the cleavage. She said, people can already see that her assets are big. I disagree. When you have it, flaunt it! I mean, we want to see the damn cleavage. The sides of the titties all pushed up. What the fark we want to see watermelon all wrapped up for? Tarak siok lah like dat.

I am also curious … with those TTLs or big big ones … what happens when you don’t wear bra? Would they sag? Very very curious …. But you know lah, curiosity killed the cat. But then again, I am Lembu Gila! Hahahaha …

By the way, girls, for men … their underwears come in S, M, L, XL, XXL, XXXL. It denotes the size of the penis. And no, there is no such thing as push up men’s underwear even though when the park their little brother, their park it facing upwards. If any longer than that and it doesn’t fit the XXXL size anymore, they will have no alternative but to wear boxers. Why boxers? To that they will just strap their penis to their thighs. Otherwise when they walk, it will be swinging around. Makes it difficult to walk. Hahahahahahahahahahahaha

Mile High Club

Hello guys. And girls. Or should I just be politically correct and say, Hello People. Honestly ... fark those tibais that always have an issue with the hi guys or hi people or hi girls shit.

Anyway ... hello tibais. I need some help here. Something is bothering me and I need to find out somethings.

Black and I were just talking cock and we were just talking about farking them stewardesses. Yeah, well... we think about it all the friggin time. The thought was always in our mind. Taking off those jackets of theirs. Hands going up those short skirts. Humping them in the small and cramped toilet. Too small? Too cramp? Heck ... the smaller the space the better. Then you will have to really squeeze your bodies tightly together mah. No where for her to run. Just that small little room and you have her all to yourself. Shit .. I am getting carried away.

Yup... we were just talking about it. Fantasizing about it. But realised ... we've never pulled it off. For one thing, we both agreed, we don't want to get arrested when we land at KLIA or LCCT. Hahahaha.

As we were talking, another buddy of ours then said, hey ... can fark in the plane meh? I thought I read somewhere its more difficult to get erection.

What da fark??? Where did you get all these facts?

No no ... its something about the higher you go up and about blood pressure and all that, the blood difficult to get to the dick and hence not easy to get erection.

I then went, I don't agree man. Every time I am up there and I fark the stewardesses with my eyes, I get a farking hard on. Damn kau painful especially when you wear tight jeans. Hahahahaha

Then this puki tiang Black decided to be academic and asks ... so if in airplane difficult to get erection ... what about in space? Do those astronauts fark the female astronaut? I mean, they spend weeks up there, I am sure with so many guys and one girl, you just want to fark her in space ....

Yeah ... like the smurfs. 100 of them and 1 girl smurf. Hahahaha

So how? In space can get erection ah?

I then asked ... ey, when you tembak your sperm in space ... would your sperm be floating around in the space shuttle ah?

Everyone looked at me .... AWWWW FARK! That's sick!!!!!!!!

Hahahahahaha

Double System

What da fark?????!!!!! .........

Check this out. For those living in PJ, I am friggin sure you know what the parking system is in PJ. For those who don't know, after you park your damn car, you walk to this stupid looking machine by the road, put in coins and get a small little coupon to be placed on your car's dashboard.

Previously, it was that scratch the coupon system. You buy this card coupon and just scratch the date, time etc. Remember that stupid coupon? Reason they abolish was that people were passing the coupon around as in I will be leaving my parking spot now and I still have 45 minutes left in the coupon, so I just pass it on to the next person who parks at my spot. Under the new system, you are supposed to key in your car registration number. That is so stupid as well. Why? 'Cos most times, I get confused between my car number and my brother's car number. I cannot even remember which farking car I took out.

I just have to bitch about this. Look at the picture below. Yeah. That's right. I didn't use an old scratch coupon. I was in PJ - Jalan Tandang to be exact where all the factories are. Still don't know where? Campbell Soup? Yeo's. Old Town? Yeah. There. The parking system there is still the old scratch coupon system. I was just there last week and got summoned 'cos I didnt find a machine to buy the coupon. Instead, I learned my lesson and yesterday, I found this guy sitting underneath the big ass umbrella still selling these scratch coupons.

Go figure. As far as I know, the entire PJ is already under the new parking system. You buy your damn coupon from that machine. And now, there exists another system. Just to a specific area. I mean, what da fark were the MPPJ or now, the MBPJ councillors thinking of? I know ... let me guess, dem wankers all sat down at a meeting and decided, hey, we should change the system. Lets buy dem machines. But how many? Kira kira kira (count count count) wokay. We buy these many machines. And install them every few metres. We must make sure its convenient for the rakyat in PJ. All of a sudden .. oh fark. We don't have enough machines. Oops, We forgot. People in Old Town have cars. OR Oh shit, we forgot about Old Town - Jalan Tandang.

Or... dem wanker councillors at the time of their decision making goes ... "nah... lets not buy machines and install it all over PJ. Let's bloody confuse some of these people. Mebbe we put the coupon system in Jalan Tandang. That will be funny."

OR ...

Decision: Change Coupon System. Buy machines. And some councillors goes, "oh fark. what da fark we gonna do with these 50 million scratch coupons we have already printed?" "oh ... we have this brilliant idea .... lets make Jalan Tandang a road where you still need to use these scratch coupons ..."

And you wonder how PJ was declared City Status. Malaysia Boleh alright.

Dem Animal Movies

I've always disliked animal movies.

What animal movies? You know those stupid movies like lassie, free willy, dem horses movies etc. Dem movies where the animal is oh so damn good and nice and patriotic, saves the day, oh so cute look and all that crap. Look ... I have nothing against animals. In fact, I like them. And its not every movie with an animal in it I will dislike. Come on ... which movie doesn't have an animal, be it a person or an actual animal. Heh heh. Example, hidalgo. I like that. Smart horse. But it was all about the rider, the horse and the competition. I like Jaws too. Its nice to see smart ass sharks chomps the ass out of the people. Especially most of these jaws or croc movies would have a frisky couple humping their ass off when they get chomped on. I have always found that funny.

Its those movies where the damn dog is too friggin smart and nice. Or the cat. Or the damn horse. The whale. How many friggin times does it need to be freed? There was free willy 1, 2, 3 .... and is there 4, 5, 6, 7, 8??? Fark ... at least I know for a fact that the whale is dead. Otherwise, damn whale would be like stallone, making a come back after 20 years. Haha. If it was alive, it might be taking steroids as well and get caught in australian waters and then it will be free willy no. VII or something like that. Hahahahahahaha

Ah ... the one I hate the most, the friggin most is those movies where the damn ape seems to be able to do everything. Football, snooker, basketball, snowboarding etc. What da fark was that all about?

Why the dislike? Blame it on a difficult childhood. When I was a kid .... and if any of these movies were on tv, my parents would always have this to say, "see, even animals (dog, cat, chimps, sharks, crocodiles, horse etc) can be trained and be obedient. why can't you?"

Now you see why?

Contractors

I am sure that most of you guys have watched Phua Chu Kang and for those whom have dealt with contractors, I am also very sure you will know what I am talking about.

I am searching for contractors to do some minor renovations at my crib. Believe me, its very very minor. Basically to repaint and to knock out a bath tub. And my crib has one of those "open" room concept ... a family area as they called it. I wanted to just cover it up, put a door and use that as an extra room.

I spoke to many contractors and finally narrowed down my choices to 2 contractors. 1, a chinaman. 2nd - a Singh. Yup ... its not everyday I find a singh contractor. Yeah, yeah yeah ... I am very shallow. But come on ... I am sure that when I say contractor, a chinaman will come into your mind. Right?

Anyway, the Singh was the first to arrive at the scene. He was very nice, told me exactly what he will do and how he will try to make the bathroom look more comfortable. Example, knocking out the tub and placing a screen door but he did mention that it will be very cramped. He made various suggestions including using tempered glass instead of a sliding screen door. But ... definitely all the tiles must go.

Next was the chinaman contractor. Now this guy is cool .... Doesn't wear those big yellow boots but he still wore boots. Comes walking in with a swagger and asked me what I want. I told him what I want and he started walking around looking at my crib.

Contractor: So what paint you want?

Me: Errr... what would you recommend?

Contractor: Got nice one. Got cheap one. Got expensive one. So what do you want?

Me: Errr... what choices do I have?

Contractor: Aya ... got perl go (pearl glo), pentalite, maxilite ...

I thought to myself ... pentalite? maxilite? farks ... what is this? sounds like weight reducing program in those slimming spas.

Me: Which one is nice?

Contractor: ALL oso nice. Plice only different.

Me: oh ....

Contractor: Maxilite lah. Vely cheap. Vely nice. I cover 2 layers. Sure nice wan.

Me: ok ...

We walked to the bathroom.

Contractor: Ah ok. Take out long bath? Can.

Me: Ok. I want to put a screen door.

Contractor: Can can

Me: Would it be too cramp?

Contractor: No lah. Can wan. See. Put here. Up to here. (Then he climbed into the bath tub and stood there with his arms up) See... still got space wan. U wash hair careful a bit lah.

Me: Wah ... I think a bit cramp leh

Contractor: No lah. That that hotel oso same wat.

Me: Ok ... what about tiling

Contractor: Ah ... all these tiles no more alredi. Must get new ones

Me: But I am on a budget

Contractor: Ah don't wohlly. I put screen door. Inside screen door here I use different style tile. Sure nice wan. Now everyone oso do like dat. Different tiles. Very nice wan

Me: Huh? Different tiles?

Contractor: Yah lah. Nice wan. Don't wohlly.

I thought to myself ... man ... I am farked.

We went over to the open room. Told him what I wanted.

Contractor: Ah ok. So what door you want?

Me: Erm ... ?

Contractor: Aya... wooden door? glass door? sliding door? plastic door. you want what door I put what door lah.

Me: Errr .... which would be nicer?

Contractor: All oso nice. See lah what you want. I put nice door for you.

Damn ... this is going to be tough.

Me: Ok... what about wooden door.

Contractor: Ah ok. You want or not? I put half glass on top of door. Can see through. Wah like dat sure nice wan.

Me: Huh? No no no. Just door will do. No need glass all.

Contractor: Ok. Then the wall i make for you to cover room. You want brick wall, board or wood or what? I put nice big glass oso on wall. Can see thru like office window like dat.

Me: Errr.... no. wall will be fine. no need window.

Contractor: Ok. what color?

Sighs .... I should have just hired an interior design instead...

Marrying A Foreigner Part VI

Its strange how the same department or authority but located in different branches has different procedures. When I was in Damansara making enquiries, I did see a checklist on the notice boards and after talking to a guy that married a Filipino as well .... well, I found out more information.

Example ... for application of a social visit pass at the Damansara office, you will need to produce among other documents ... your wedding photograph and also your wedding invitation card.

Now, at Shah Alam, you are also required to produce your wedding photograph but you don't have to submit your wedding invitation card.

The thing is, according to the guy I was talking to ... it was really tough for him when he was making all the applications for his wifey's social visit pass. On first application, they only gave his wifey a 3 months pass. On 1st extension, its another 3 months pass. On 2nd extension, its 6 months pass. On 3rd Extension, another 6 months pass. And on 4th extension onwards, they gave a yearly pass.

And to make things worse for him, for each application for extension, he was told to submit the same documents that he submitted previously. The same documents, copies of marriage cert, wedding photograph etc etc. He just couldn't understand why he has to submit the same things over and over again. Poor guy.

I hope I will have an easier time ....

Marrying a Foreigner Part V

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRGHHHH!!!

Check out the news today. Announced that foreign spouses will be given 5 year visas.

But I am skeptical. Why? Look ... they did say its subject to validity of the foreign spouse's passport. How many passports you know has validity period of more than 5 years? If your passport's validity is 3 years, they will only grant you up to 3 years.

Really? I am still very skeptical. I am worried. What's the catch? Any terms and conditions attached? Does it apply to every foreign spouse? Or to certain nationalities only? How come some people I spoke to last time were only given 3 months visa + another 3 months visa, then 6 months visa, then another 6 months visa and finally 1 year visa. And all this while, they said foreign spouses will be given 1 year visa instead of the monthly visas etc. I still see people going through that 3 months, 6 months visa thingy.

I can only wait and see .... hopefully its as good as it looks. My only problem is taking time off to go to the immigration. Its not easy for me to take time off ... not easy at all ...

Marrying a Foreigner Part IV

Immigration. I love immigration. I love immigration.

Thursday, 15 March. The day I decided to go to the immigration. I have the forms. Spent weeks trying to figure out ... how to fill the forms. Should be simple right? Yes. .. it looked simple but I was worried. Worried for technicalities. Worried for things like, you should write in caps. It should be type written. Not hand written. It must be blue ink. etc etc

We woke up at 530am. Grabbed quick breakfast and headed over to Shah Alam. Arrived at 7am. I thought .. should be alright. I was so wrong. The line was already friggin long. We were all lined up in a corridor. Wifey and I just sat down on the floor and made ourselves comfortable. Initially it was ok ... but after a while when there were more people, the air became stale and stuffy. My wifey was beginning to feel woozy. Me ... I thought to myself, all it takes is one joker to fart a stinker and we are all dead.

There were a lot of people in the queue. Hundreds. But what I was curious was that my dad's understanding from putrajaya was that they process the filipinos over here in Shah Alam. But the people I saw were mostly from Indonesia. In fact ... almost the entire corridor was just packed with Indonesians. I have to thank this big fat Indonesian lady. Reminds me of Big Momma - the movie, Martin Lawrence? Big Momma's House? She was very vocal whenever some jerk tried to cut queue. They will just pretend to be stupid, deaf or dumb and just try to stand in the line somewhere. This lady enforcer will just yell at them to get lost. Haha.

The doors opened and we were allowed to go in 5 by 5 people. Showed the counter my forms and I was given a number. We went to find a seat and got comfortable .. thinking that its gonna be a very long day. A couple of hours later, our number was called. We went to the counter, submitted our forms and were told, "ok, that's it"

I was like ... Huh? That's it what?

That's it you can go back.

Go back? What about the visa?

The officer looked at me. You just submitted a form. Its now pending approval.

Errr .... I thought its all in one day?

She looked at me ... No. You have to wait.

Erm ... how long?

Between 2 - 3 weeks. Or more.

Ok .... so you all will call me?

No. You have to come back here to follow up.

I didn't dare ask anymore questions. She looked annoyed already. Sighs ... wifey and I went home wondering what's gonna happen next.

Marrying a Foreigner Part III

VISA! Yup ... the most exciting part of your marriage. When my wifey finally move over to Malaysia, we immediately went to the Immigration Dept. Well ... I've always gone to the Dept in Damansara to get my passport done, so with that in mind, we went to Damansara.

Now, I have to admit, we went there very late ... around 1030am. We thought ... we are just there to find out what should we do to get her to stay longer ... i.e. to get a visa. Went to the ground floor, made some enquiries and instead ... they just said, "oh... you need to open new file, please go to 4th floor, visa dept"

Up we go. 4th Floor. Visa Dept. Lined up behind a couple of fellas at the information counter on the 4th floor. The line didnt move. I went to take a peek. No one was at the counter. We waited. Finally ... after like 15 minutes, someone came out to handle the people lining up there. Our turn came. We asked again the same question. We got a reply ... "you need to take this number and wait at counter number xx" I paused and then asked quickly, but we just want to find out what to do, where to get forms etc. We were told, "just wait for your number to be called"

I looked at the piece of paper. There were about 30 people ahead of me. Ok ... let's wait. 1 hour. 2 hours. 3 hours. I tried to walk up the counter and take a peek but the guy sitting behind there looked so pissed and agitated, I dare not ask when will my turn be. I went back to sit down ... and 4 hours later, our turn came.

Walked up to the counter, we asked the guy there to advice us what to do. He asked for my identity card, took a look at it and guess what? Sir, your address in your I/C is in Puchong. Please go to Shah Alam. We don't process you here.

I was really really dumbfarked. 4 farking hours I waited ... just to be told I am at the wrong place. Nevermind, my fault then for being stoopid or not asking. I tried to ask for some general questions especially with regard to procedures and the forms that I will need. Instead, the guy just called for the next number and insisted that I just go to Shah Alam 'cos they might have different forms. Sighs .... 4 hours gone. Wasted. Just to find out ... wrong place.

Anyway, I got to talk to a few fellas whom married Filipinos as well. They told me, don't worry, all applications would be processed in a day. But they were definitely very shocked when I told them that I was asked to go to Shah Alam instead of Damansara. They just shrugged and told me, good luck. As far as they know ... this kind of thing is "normal" i.e. you get bumped around.

Anyway, couple of days later, I thought I was very smart. I told my wife, why not go with my dad to HQ in Putrajaya and find out the procedures and forms that we need to fill. Afterall, that's the HQ. And I have to work and can't be taking off all the time. But I was soooooooooooo wrong. They went to Putrajaya and was told that we have to go to Shah Alam because that's where they process Chinese nationals and Filipinos. Well ... at least that's what my dad thought they said. I think my dad could have mistaken something 'cos I was pretty sure some Filipinos were processed at Damansara. Oh well .. I thought, stoopid of me. But I honestly thought that the HQ would be capable of handling it... Sighs ... again....

Marrying a Foreigner Part II

The big day came. My parents, best buddies, wifey all went to Putrajaya. Well ... we just wore our usual work clothes. Wifey just worn a simple gown. This is after all ... a civil registry. But don't be surprised if you see some couples there do the whole marriage thingy ... complete with wedding car, flowers, wedding gowns etc.

Anyway ... our turn came and we were called into the room. In the room, we sat next to each other facing the Registrar. The Registar was this lady whom somehow reminds me of all those fierce school teachers or headmistress. Yup ... this was one stern lady. By looking at her, both of us didn't even dare to smile or grin anymore. The swearing in ceremony became very solemn. Haha. She even told us to be serious. Well ... it was painless, except that with the lady registrar whom was so stern looking did make us worry. We just raised our hands, read this declaration and swore in our marriage. With that, we are legally married.

BUT ... we still couldn't shag yet. Legally married but not in the eyes of you know who ... the Big Guy up there. Sighs ....

Marrying a Foreigner Part I

I thought I might as well blog about this. After all ... I married a foreigner. A Filipino to be exact. To all those Malaysians thinking of marrying a foreigner ... well, I won't say think again. However, there are things that you should know about.

For starters, marrying you, a Malaysian will not automatically make your spouse a permanent resident of Malaysia or a citizen of Malaysia. Surprised? Well ... that's how it is. That's to prevent sham or fake marriages.

Anyway ... I just wanna share some information. Now, I married my wife in Malaysia i.e. I did my marriage registration thingy in Malaysia. Lets not get confused here ... its different from getting married in a foreign country and coming back to Malaysia to register that marriage. What I meant was ... my marriage was in Malaysia.

Now ... what I am going to say next probably applies only to Filipinos. But generally ... its about the same.

First, my wifey had to go to the Philippines National Statistics Office to get a certification that she is single. Next ... bring that certificate to the Office of the President of the Philippines to be endorsed and certified that the earlier certificate is true and correct etc etc. They will issue a certificate to certify that the first certificate is true correct yada yada yada ...

After all that ... bring both certificates (National Stats Office & Office of President) to the Department of Foreign Affairs to be endorsed. And here we go again ... the Dept of Foreign Affairs now will certify that the first 2 certificates are true correct yada yada yada ...

Now... you have 3 certificates, each certifying one another. Bring all those 3 certificates and wifey ... bring all of them to the Philippines Embassy in KL. Yup. The Phils Embassy. Here, you ask them to issue a Certificate of Legal Capacity to Contract Marriage. In order to issue that, they will require all the earlier 3 certificates and also your in-laws (girl's parents) to swear an affidavit their daughter is single virgin (kidding) and give their blessings to the marriage.

So now ... you will have (1) cert from Stats Office, (2) cert from President Office, (3) cert from Dept of Foreign Affairs and (4) Cert of Legal Capacity to Contract Marriage.

With all the 4 documents ... bring all of them to the our Malaysian Ministry of Foreign Affairs @ Wisma Putra, Putrajaya. They will then certify that the documents are true correct yada yada yada. They will just put their endorsements onto the certificates. Once endorsed ... you go to the Marriage Registrar at Putrajaya and hand in all the documents together with your application to get married.

Oh ... almost forgot. Before you can submit your application for a licence to get married, your wifey (the foreigner) must be in Malaysia for at least 11 days continuously (I think it was 11 ... errr either 11 or 14 days, check this yourself on the application form).

So you submit your application form with all the documents and copies of passport, photos etc and you set a date to come back to do the registration process. Its usually about a month to 2 months later. During this time, your application will be posted up on a notice board for those people who wish to object.

Oh ... I was told that all those assistant registrar of marriages, like those in Thean Hou Temple or the Churches or even the branch level of the Marriage Registry will not be able to process your application. You need to go to Putrajaya where the HQ is in order to get it processed.

So there you go ... Good Luck and all the best in all those paperwork!

By the way, do go to the Marriage Registry to check it out and not take all my words above as the correct procedures. They could have implemented new rules, new procedures, new requirements etc etc ...