Nick Names

I am sure everyone has nick names. Back in high school I wasn't known as lembu gila (mad cow). I was called anjing gila (mad dog) or just dog. Why? I have this really bad habit of biting and chewing onto anything I could find. Pens. Pencils. Rulers. Even the wooden desk we used to have in high school I chewed on it. It has my teeth marks all over it. My buddy's pencil case was made out of wood. That too I chewed on it and left my teeth marks all over it. He stopped using the pencil case since I bit off a chunk of the wood and had my saliva all over the damn box. LOL!!!

I still like to chew on things. But why lembu gila? Initially I found the name funny when I used it as a call sign during my days in the internet cafe playing Warcraft 3. It was during that time that there was a hype of mad cow diseases and with my machas, there was so much name calling in the internet cafe. In the beginning we used names like Tiu Nia Ma, Kan Ni Na, Farkers, Cibai, Pundek and the list goes on. Later I started using anjing, then lembu gila and used other names with animals in them such as dugong gila (mad dugong), penyu gila (mad turtle) etc etc. My machas followed suit with names like babi gila and notably raja ular (snake king) to which we changed it to raja cacing (worm king) with references to the size of his dick. Of course he wasn't happy being called raja cacing hence he changed his call sign to raja lan chiau (dick king).

Now, this particular blog is important to all parents. When you name your child, please consult all other dialects or language ... at least the main dialects or language of our beloved country, Malaysia Boleh! Over the course of my work, I have come across many names which leaves me laughing my ass off. Here are some real examples:

1. This guy's surname is Chow. His parents named him Chee Wai. So its read as Chow Chee Wai. I think his parents farking hated him 'cos that name is similar to Chow Chee Bai means smelly cunt in cantonese. Yup, his parents definitely hated him.

2. Another classic. I was working on some documents when I saw this name .. Tai Hai. Means big cunt in cantonese. I laughed and laughed till my eye balls almost popped out. On the appointed day, the person called Tai Hai turned up in my office. It wasn't a he. It was a she. Fark. How can someone name their daughter Big Cunt? Unless of course, her cunt is really THAT BIG!

3. Another champion. A guy. His name was Taw Hai. Meaning? A lot of cunt in cantonese. LOL!!!! My only guess is, his parents wanted daughters badly, hence he was named Many Cunt.

4. A hero. A guy as well. His name was Lam Pah. In hokkien means balls. Thank goodness his surname was Tuah. Otherwise he would be known as Tuah Lam Pah which means Big Balls.

The list can go on but you get my drift. Farking check the names with other dialects or language before you name your kid!!!!!

Swim

Both my knees are injured. Totally farked up. So running is a problem for me. And doctors have adviced me to swim instead of running. The problem is, where da fark can I find a swimming pool which is convenient enough for me and cater to my farked up work schedule? Public pools. The nearest pools closest to me closes too damn early. Besides, you know what all the old people say about swimming late at night. Rheumatism. Coupled with my injuries, that's something which I might not want to venture into. Friends have suggested condominiums but so far, I don't know of any buddies who have a condominium unit in a really posh condo surroundings.

Okay okay, before you give me shit on why "really posh condo surroundings" here are the many reasons why. This is my advice, if you want to live in a condominium, go live in a really posh condominium. Why? At least its well maintained. But mind you, not all posh condominiums are well maintained. Reason? The richer they are, the more stingy these bastards will be. What has it got to do with my swimming?

If you buy a middle range kinda condominium, rest assured there will be bastards who won't pay the monthly maintenance. Their reasons? Its always this cocked up excuse that they are not happy with the way its maintained. Since there are farkers who won't pay, the pool won't be maintained. Fark. You don't want to swim in a pool that's greenish in color or that cultivates algae. I bet you if you swim in there long enough, you might just mutate and come out with an extra dick or additional tits or something. Besides, some of these so called swimming pools are so friggin small, you might as well throw in some kois and turn it into a koi pond. I mean, what's the point of promoting the sales of your condominiums with a swimming pool when all you can do is do a couple of strokes and you have completed swimming the entire pool.

And in some condominiums, even the poshy kind ... there are idiots! imbeciles! morons! who doesn't understand the concept of swimming. These are the pundeks who jumped into the pool fully clothed. They can't do that in public pools so they are happy that they have finally bought a condominium with their very own private pool. There are many occassions where I have seen these morons jump into the pool wearing shirts and track bottoms!!!! Geez! What da fark is wrong with all these people?

At the end of the day ... I think I will have to stick to running and continue to fark up my knees.

Dumb Ass

The kind of dumb farks we have working in the corporate world today. A client of mine requested for my email address and I requested my secretary to just call him up and tell him my email address over the phone. My secretary could not get hold of him and my client’s secretary answered the phone instead. The following were part of the phone conversation I overheard …

My sec: Hello?

His sec: …. (I don’t know what his secretary said, so you guys can just assume what she said)

My sec: Your boss needed this email address. Do you have a pen and paper now.

His sec: ….

Long silence on my sec’s part. I could see her drumming her fingers on the table.

My sec: okay. Its lembu@dtw.com.my

His sec: …

My sec: No No. @ as in the alias sign and not add. (sighs)

His sec: …

My sec: its dtw …

His sec: …

My sec: denmark, Thailand, whiskey

His sec: …

My sec: No. No. its D for denmark. T for Thailand. W for whiskey (shakes head)

His sec: ….

My sec: ok ok. Wait. Its lembu@dtw. D for denmark, T for Thailand, W for whiskey

His sec: …

My sec: ok. So its lembu@dtw.com.my

His sec: …

My sec: NOOOOOO!!!! Its not “dot”. Just that full stop mark.

His sec: ….

My sec: Yes, I did say “dot” but its not that. You just put a full stop mark. Then full stop. Then my.

His sec: …

My sec: Yes. Just “m” “y”. That’s all. Thank you. Bye. (after putting down the phone, she screamed …. AAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!)

Needless to say, I was laughing really hard in my room by then.

Kerengga

Blogging about being Stung brought back memories of that puki tait Kerengga. If you don't know what a farking Kerengga is, its that big huge mutha farking red commando ant you find on all rambutan trees. Yeah, that's the one. The one with pincers so farking big it can rip your bloody balls off. Kidding. Well, unless of course you have really small balls ... Anyway, back to my commando Kerengga. Why I called them commandoes? These tibai bastards can frigging jump off the rambutan tree without parachutes or wings just so that they can land at the back of your neck or into your shirt and start chomping away. Their bravery for jumping off these rambutan trees must be lauded. Their accuracy for landing at the back of your neck or just into your shirt is also phenomenal.

There was once I stopped by my macha's house and his rambutan tree was full of red juicy rambutans. But, my macha said he doesn't have the cutter, so must climb a bit. I said no need, just pass me a parang (machete) and I started flinging the parang at the rambutans as if I was throwing a boomerang. After a few throws, I could not reach the really juicy looking rambutans way up in the tree. I started climbing the tree admist warnings of the dreadful Kerengga. After cutting down enought rambutans, I climbed back down. I stuffed all the rambutans onto my "cub-chai" (motorcycle) basket and thanking my macha, I rode off happily towards home.

Halfway speeding home, I felt something bit me at my thighs. Fark! And I was wearing jeans some more. Puki tait fella bit so farking close to my balls too!!! And it wasn't a small bite. Bastard took a huge munch on my thighs, made me jumped on my motorcycle and almost crashed my motorcyle into a longkang. I had to swat my thighs really hard and scratched the part where the puki tait fella bit me hoping that farker would've died. I steadied my bike and continued to tekan home when the puki tait fella was like Rambo like that. Still cannot die!!! Bastard took another bite. Mah hai lan ciau. I whacked my thighs harder taking careful aim not to whack my balls as well while riding my motorcycle racing home. Once I reached my house, I took off my pants faster than you farkers taking off your pants in front of a naked angelina.

Stung

I was happily working on my computer this morning when I felt this burning sensation in my left ankle. It started off with a small burning sensation and I ignored it thinking it was nothing. As it got more painful, I suspected it must be some tibai red ant chewing on my ankle and with that thought in my mind, I slapped my left ankle with my left hand and scratched it a little and continued working.

As I continued working, the pain got worse. Tiu! I scratched it some more and wondered what the fark just bit me. Just then I felt a sharper jolt of pain in my ankle and it made me jumped. Puki tait! I slapped my ankle real hard and scratched and then removed my socks. Fark! My ankle was all red and swollen. Mah hai lan ciau. Must be one hell of a puki tiang ant chewing on my ankle. I continued working. As the burning sensation and the pain lingered on, I wondered, what the fark really bit me? I mean I've been bitten before by Kerengga but this is different. I looked for my socks and decided to flip it inside out and see what the fark is inside. Expecting to find some mutated Kerengga or some mutated spider (woooo hooooo!!!! do I get to be spiderman?), this big mutha farker Bee dropped out!!!! HOW DA FARK DID A BEE GET INTO MY SOCKS????!!!!

I looked at my ankle again. Farking thing was really red and swollen now. Tibai. Usually, when I drive home, I will take off my shoes and socks and just leave them in my car. I will just wear my RM8 sandals to drive home. In the mornings, I will usually put on my socks first and just wear my sandals and drive to work. Its only after I parked my car, I will put on my shoes.

Now, WHAT DA FARK WAS THE BEE DOING IN MY CAR? AND WHY DA FARK WAS HE HIDING IN MY SOCKS. TIBAI FARKER AMBUSHED ME SOME MORE. Farking bastard bee. I picked up the fella and placed the dead body on my table swearing that I shall mutilate the farking body afterwards. Will put out its wings, legs and feed them to all the farking kerengga outside my window. Farking bee. Fortunately, I think it wasn't any mutated bee or radioactive bee. I have not mutated into a bee nor I have a huge sting growing out of my ass. So far so good.

Busy - Work Sucks

Work has been really hectic and toxic the past few weeks. Its still is. Really sucks. When I first started off blogging, it was just to blow off some steam. To relieve some stress. Basically to bitch about things. And I only blog when I have the time. Sadly, I have been accused of having too much time on my hands. To my machas who have been checking into my blog on and off and to find that it has not been updated, sorry about that. I will blog about my work stress in future blogs as well. If you are wondering if I have somehow ran out of ideas to blog about, rest assured I have not because as usual, all kinds of shit luck happens to me. ME ONLY! Damn tibai.

Damn chick

To the anonymous chick who left that friggin’ long comment,

DAMN YOU GIRL!!!! Just when I thought I’ve lulled some of me buddies’ other halves into a false sense of security, you had to friggin tell the truth lah. Look girl, we have to work together on this. We wanna go out and see you chicks in your sexiest / sleaziest outfit. If you are gonna let the truth out, how da fark are the guys gonna come out again? If the guys can’t come out, you wont have anyone to flirt with. No one will stare at you in your sexiest/skimpiest outfit. No one will drool. No one will ogle at you. See how you have destroyed my plans to bring the cute boys out for you girls? Sighs … now have to cook up another cock story for the wives and girlfriends. Really kena sai wan lah you.

Boys' Nite Out

Dear Girls,

Question. Why can’t we boys have boys’ nite out or boys’ outing when you bitches girls can have a girls’ nite out? Seriously, what can we do apart from we have done during Stag Nite.

If you don’t understand this male bonding issue, I will try to explain it to you. When we boys go out:

(1) we go to our favorite watering hole and drink anything with 40% alcohol in it. This is to disinfect the germs in our body;

(2) if one bottle consists of 40% alcohol, we need to drink about 3 bottles so that when its totaled up, its more than 100%. Sure can kill the germs;

(3) If unsure how much to drink, we drink until we throw up all the bad things in our body;

(4) Once we are in that stage, we will start to sing the National Anthem and all other anthem that we know to show our patriotism;

(5) Thereafter, we will attempt to see who can throw up the most;

(6) Or we will all line up and see who can piss the furthest;

(7) Or we will all line up and see who can spit the furthest;

(8) Either that, we will go terrorize the nearest t-eleven store;

(9) Or attempt to break into the nearest bank to make our deposits under item (5) (6) and (7) above;

(10) Or we will lie down in the middle of the road and play chicken with any oncoming vehicle.

The above are just a few of things that we do when we go out on a boys night out. There are also more things that we can do. Example, we will go to a dodgy massage parlor or a dodgy ktv joint to get ourselves sexually satisfied by the girls there who would happily fulfill all our sexual fantasies which you girls refuse to fulfill. What fantasies? I’ll leave that to the next blog. So girls, its Friday night. We are going out on an all boys outing tonight.