Aim lah ...

A customer of mine was at my office and he asked me if he could use the gent's room. Told him where the toilet was and off he went. Couple of minutes later he came back and sat down in the conference room. And then my turn pulak. Tank full. Need to go and empty it. So I went to the toilet.

Kan ni neh ... that pundek seriously has aiming issues. And I think he has some serious health problems as well. No. 1 .... he did not lift the cover. Never mind. No. 2 - He kencing also not straight. Can see the yellow spots of the kencing all over the cover. Damn this guy. Finish kencing already also never clean up. Tiu. Must go out and tiau that fella.

Me: Dei macha ....

Client: yup?

Me: you ah ... you cock eye or what? kan ni neh, when you kencing, aim-lah sikit. what lah you! either that, your cock got parkinson disease is it? shaking all the time?

Client: why lah?

Me: your kencing lah. spray all over the place. aim-lah center. toilet bowl so big, your cock so small ... tiu, you spray until everywhere ... i can see all your yellow kencing spots everywhere. what you doing lah? marking your spot kah? or you playing firemen. spray left right left right. farrrgs!

Client: no lah. u see my eyes. where got cock eye? and where got cock got parkinson disease wan? Got wan ah? I thought hands only shaking?

Me: how I know? I not doctor what. if not cock eye, not parkinson, then what? your cock like those porn star wan is it? bengkok wan ah? like boomerang shape? or like hook shape? tiu ... if your cock not straight, then you stand sideways lah sikit so can aim your kencing properly...

Client: aiyo. sorry lah.

Me: sorry sorry. next time i put one funnel in my toilet. when you want to kencing, cup the damn funnel up your crotch, stick your cock inside and then only kencing.

Client: haha. ok lah. next time i aim properly.

Farrrgs. I think most of you guys agree with me on this. Some dumb fargs just don't care how to kencing straight.

Wah Lau Eh ...

I haven't blogged about this .... but yeah, baby lembu is coming. In fact, baby lembu is coming out soon! That little monster has caused havoc in my life but I suppose that's what people say, That's Life!

I don't know how to start. When wifey told me that baby lembu was there, I was speechless. No I didn't faint. Anyway ... it was a lot of mixed feelings.

Why I am blogging about it? Actually, I am blogging more on the commercial side of it all. I just realised three things, if you want to get filthy rich, No. 1 Sell Slimming Products to Fat Ass Women, or No. 2 Sell Whitening Cream to those already "Pak Cham Kai" (Steamed White Chicken) Women or ... if you think you are too nobel to be doing No. 1 and No. 2 or you might get karma, you go into No. 3, sell baby stuff.

Since baby lembu is going to come out soon, wifey and I went shopping for his stuff. And man, was I shocked out of my cow hide. Friggin things are so friggin expensive. Take for example, his socks. Kan ni neh, one teeeny tiny pair of socks costs RM6.90!!!! Farks. Its even more expensive than my socks. Hell, in fact, my socks costs like RM10.90 for 3 pairs!!! What da fark man. Its not like them socks have microchips or circuits inside them. And worse part is, you know that those socks won't fit baby lembu in 3 months time. Sheesh ....

And since its your own baby lembu, you can't help but think of safety safety safety. And precisely based on this, them farkers charge you an arm and a leg. Example, strollers. Out of curiosity, I looked at the strollers. Well, some are so friggin cheap you tend to doubt it. You know lah .. the old saying, "Cheap Things No Good, Good Things No Cheap, Best Things in Life are Free" But when you look at some of the expensive range strollers .... my eyes popped out and my jaw dropped. Damn thing can come up to more than RM1,000!!!! Farks! When the sales attendant came and ask me if I needed assistance, I asked, "Miss, where do I put petrol for this? Got remote control ah?" She gives me that blur look. Farks, for this price, damn stroller better be able to transform into an autobot or decepticon or have some missile launchers where I can shoot some missiles up someone's ass if they are blocking me.

My wallet is still bleeding and I believe ... its going to bleed some more. Sighs ....

Green

Whew ... been a really rough week. Looks like I didn't manage to post any blog at all for the past week.

Here's some pictures I took recently. Its nothing much ... but because I used to hike a lot, views like these makes you go "sighs ......" Its best viewed from the mountain top. Each time I hike, I used to curse .... every damn language that I know, you will hear the foul words. Mandarin, Cantonese, Hokkien, English, Malay, Tamil ... whatever. Just curse and swear as you hike up the mountain with 15kg on your back. I always swear that I will never go back again but its always the same, couple of weeks after I come down, I will go up another mountain.

Its been hard the past 7 years or so ... ever since my knee surgery. I feel miserable that I can't hike or climb anymore. Well ... hopefully one day I will be able to go back to hiking, climbing and playing b-ball.

Reflexology

I was away for a short break sometime ago. Decided that I need to get some cool fresh air. So I took wifey and drove up to Camerons just for the weekend. Left early saturday morning and came back down again on Sunday. That place brings back some overwhelming emotional feelings for me. I used to hike a lot. Hiking up mountains and just looking at the green scenery around you is .... simply amazing. Ever since my knee got busted up so badly ... I have not hiked for the past ... 8 years? That's a long time. So when I drove up there, I got a little emo about it. Besides, Camerons is a very small town, time slows down over here. Back in KL, I would be friggin' stressed out but once you drive into Brinchang or Tanah Rata, you will feel the difference.

Anyway, while I was in Camerons, I decided to try out this reflexology place in Tanah Rata. Foot massage. I have tried foot massage before but this one .... well, here's the blog:

Uncle: (while massaging me hooves) young man, pain ah?

Me: (winced) a bit lah

Uncle: (squeezed my big toe) pain ah?

Me: errr ... a bit

Uncle: (massaged the big toe harder) now?

Me: Yup. pain (kan ni neh ... i cursed quietly)

Uncle: you have sleep problems. you get a lot of headache

Me: (thought to myself - fark, he's right) errrr.... something like that lah (still wincing)

Uncle: (massaged other area) - young man, don't smoke so much. your lungs not so good

Me: Huh? Uncle. I don't smoke lah. (fark - now he is wrong)

Uncle: huh? cannot be? something not right. your lungs not so good.

Me: mumble ...

Uncle: you have knee problems

Me: yup. very obvious mah. damn big scar there

Uncle: (dug deep into my foot with his knuckles) here .... your knee problems

Me: OW!!!

Uncle: heh heh

Me: (bastard)

Uncle: (massage massage) you have liver problems also. don't drink so much

Me: ok (ow ow ow)

Uncle: young man, your digestive system also not very good ah ...

Me: huh? no what. I shit every day. A lot of shit some more

Uncle: not very good lah your intestines ...

Me: ok

Uncle: don't take so much sugar. see this part here (he massaged harder) ...

Me: ow ow ow

Uncle: ah see, cut down on sugar

Me: ok ok

Uncle: hmmmm .... your lower back is not very good as well. very strained. i help you massage harder here ...

Me: AAAAAAARRRRGGHHHH!!!!

Uncle: heh heh

Me: (bastard bastard ... farking hell, pay him to torture me, tibai betuih)

Uncle: hmmm ... your heart also not very good shape. young man you must exercise more

Me: uncle ... you see my knee, how to exercise?

Uncle: then go foot reflexology more, can help. hahaha

Me: ugh.... ow ow ow

Uncle: I massage your toe more now. your headache and insomnia very bad. harder ok?

Me: err... ok ..... AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGGHHHHHHH!!!!

Uncle: heh heh

Uncle: (massage other parts of foot) hmmm... your uric acid also quite high. your joints must be pain especially your knee

Me: ey ... uncle, you know ah, the way you tell me that I have all these problems .... wah lau, macamlah I am soooooo damaged like that ...

Uncle: true what. haha

Me: fark ... mumble mumble ow ow ow ...

Uncle: don't worry, tonight you will sleep better.

True enough ... I slept better that night. Haven't had a peaceful sleep for a long time. Well ... it was only for that night. Next night it was back to normal again. Sighs.

Anyway, if any of you goes to Camerons, do give it a try. That uncle is good. The place is in Tanah Rata.

Plain Wrong ... Its Just So Wrong

Some people just have no fashion sense. But wait ... before I show you all "THE PHOTO", I am not that kind of pervert ok? Kan Ni Neh you all ... don't think until like that. I just couldn't help it but had to take this photo so that Guru Lembu can educate you all.

Nowadays people especially the chicks love to wear low cut pants. Especially when they sit down, you can see their the top of their undies or boxers or lingerie. I tell you hot chicks now ... not every hot chick can pull it off. So for those who think that you have the "self confidence" to pull it off, think again. You make some people puke because of your stupid "self-confidence" beliefs.

No. 1 - to pull it off and have guys salivating over the "exposed" view, you need to have the perfect shape. Flat asses, Fat asses etc do not come within this definition. Hips and Asses that are shaped like amoebas are also not within this definition.

No. 2 - to be able to really really pull it off, you gotta have those dimples. You know, some women have those dimples at the back? Man ... I get turned on when I see those. For those flat ones .... yeah, you can try to wear low cut jeans or pants etc but make sure you have the shape.

No. 3 - the undies. Damn ... you better be wearing thongs or lacy types. Fark ... some guys might just get a hard on when they see it. For those hip-hop member, I know you guys usually wear boxers. Still can lah, all depends on your target audience. Do not wear lah "spender" longgar all. Especially those where the elastic band already loose or worn out.

BUT THE WORSE .... DON'T LAH WEAR WRONG UNDIES. Already Fail No. 1 - No Shape. Fail No. 2 - No dimples. No. 3 - you wear lah some nice lacy undies or thongs... But this particular one I saw .... CHAMPION OF THE CHAMPIONS. I saw it at a restaurant and what more can I say .... Just no appetite to makan anymore after that. See for yourself - picture below.

Hah .... you see that or not? PAPER UNDERWEAR WOI! DISPOSABLES. Kan ni neh betuih. Really spoil everything.

Sorry ... I know ... not good to take pictures like that, but how lah. Cannot tahan man. You see also you want to go there and instead of giving a wedgy, you want to tear it "along the dotted lines" BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Back When There Was No PS2 - Part II

Back in those days, we were already damn friggin competitive. Every game we play is a competition. Hell, even when we are bored shitless, we will find something to play and compete on. You might say some of these are unconventional but I bet you don't find these games on PS2.

The Spitting Game

Yes, spit and phlegm. One of our favorites. My buddies and I would sometimes try to spit and see who can spit the furthest. That's one competition. We will all stand in a line and spit. Ptooooi! Then we see whose spit lands the furthest. Not easy you know. It has skills for you to learn. The angle you ptooi out. The way you turn your head and fling your head forward and the timing you release your spit ... all makes a difference how far your spit will land.

Other than that, we will all stand on top of first floor or second floor or on a pedestrian bridge. Then we try spitting down. The objective? See whose spit can make the biggest splatter. SPLAT! Then we go down and see, who has the biggest spit. This also need skill. You need to accumulate all your spit and spit it out slowly pppppppppppppptooi! Then it falls down like a big droplet of water.

Last, we spit on the wall. If got phlegm, even better. KUAAAAAKKKKK .... PTOOOOI! SPLAT! the spit hits the wall. Then we see .... whose spit can stay longer on the wall. We even time it. Then we see whose spit can drip down slower or faster etc. We would also see who has the most phlegm and whose phlegm is greener than the other. This game is best played when someone has the flu.

The Pissing Game

Ahh ... this one, we all stand in a line. So many ways to compete. Of course, the usual is see who can shoot the furthest. One thing we all learned ... the bugger with the circumcised cock tend to shoot the furthest. So for those still with foreskin .... we tell them to pull it back and true enough, it does shoot further. Haha.

The Shitting Game

Well .... you really don't want to know about this ... HAHAHAHA

Back When There Was No PS2

I received an email recently ... about what we kids used to do back in those days when there was no such thing as PS2. Closest thing was this friggin thing called the game & watch. My favorite was still the western bar. Haha.

Ok ok ... I am old. I admit it. In fact I feel friggin' old. Especially after I read that email. What more watching transformers the other day. It reminded me ... back in those days, we were always outside playing. Hell, my parents used to resort to caning or locking me in the house and throwing the keys away just to keep me at home. But nowadays, damn kids refuse to go out and play. You probably have to cane them to get them out of the house. Kan ni neh .... Ini semua pasal itu computer and PS2.

I can try and recall as many things as possible things that kept us entertained and busy ... but this blog will be friggin long then.

Well ... one of the things we enjoyed having a laugh was fish. Fishing is one thing. Laughing at it is another. You know ... all the terrace houses has a porch and back in those days, most people have their fish tanks or aquariums outside the house. Right at the porch and parked next to it is the family car.

One of my buddy's house has this typical set up. Fish tank outside. Fishies swimming inside. Whenever I go over to his house and see his dad's or his mum's car there, I get this itchy feeling and evil gleam in my eyes. He knows it and we always run into the store room to grab 2 wires. We will run back to the porch, pop the hood and hook the wires to the car battery and the other end of the wires ..... heh heh. We hold it. One guy starts the car. The other guy slowly dips the wires into the water and we watch the fishies swim in spasms .... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

If not car battery ... it even works with motorcycle batteries or even normal batteries. Hell ... that big battery for those big "dolphin" torchlights also can.

Better than PS2 anytime ...

Murphy Again

I seriously think I should call myself Murphy Lembu or Lembu Murphy. Murphy as in Murphy's Laws. And sometimes I do think the Big Guy up there plays tricks on me.

Take this for example ... last Sunday I went to 1 Utama. I was there at 11.30am. Guess what? No parking. No friggin place to park. I drove round and round the car parks from new wing to old wing and from old wing back to new wing ... no friggin car park. Farks ... I went from basement 1 to basement 2, went to upper levels, went to roof top, went friggin everywhere ... no blady friggin car park!

But yet, I see lucky farks getting a spot. I just don't get it. This is big time trick already. I was just driving around looking for car park for almost 15 minutes. Still no car park. I see people walking out of their cars to the mall but yet ... I cannot get a place to park. Curses curses swear swear swear BITCH BITCH BITCH!!!

Damn farking GERAM!

I decided to idle. Where I idle, no one leaves. No one comes out. But I can see the other side, people leave. Fark. I changed places to idle. Waited. Fark. The place I waited just now, someone left and another person got the spot. TIU NIA SENG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok enuff idling ... I decided to tail people. Tail tail tail ... guess what? I tail them to a spot where people were already idling or waiting with their signals on. MAH TIBAI!

Fark it. I had enough. I left. Decided not to go 1U anymore. And to rub salt to the injury, I had to pay parking RM1.10. FARK FARK FARK!!!!!