A Reminder

Reading the papers and watching the news for the past 1 week has been heart wrenching. For those of you who don't feel anything ... what can I say? Looking at the pictures ... is enough. The destruction, the fear, the despair ... what a way to end 2004. Even a surfer dude friend of mine wasn't smiling about the waves anymore. I don't think the survivors of this tsunami can watch or listen to a flushing toilet for now. Would probably farking freak them out.

I have a little confession. A part of me wished that I was there when the tsunami comes crashing down. I am not being suicidal as my wish does not wish to be dead. But just to be there... and of course to survive and to help out. Crazy? Yeah ... maybe a little.

Once I went canoeing solo. It was on my way back from another island and still very far away from the mainland's shore when storm clouds gathered. It was a magnificent sight. I actually stopped paddling to watch the storm clouds gather and the lightning. It was until the water became very choppy and the waves got much bigger when I realised I was screwed. I started paddling like crazy towards shore. It was already very dark and I was getting shit scared. Was so farking worried I'd overturn. It was an experience but it served as a good reminder. I felt so farking small during that time. Just a tiny speck in that moment against everything else. There was nothing else I could do, except to just keep praying and paddling.

With the recent typhoon in Philippines and the tsunami that hit South Asia, I hope people do realise that with their arrogance, powers, richness, difference in economies, politics, religion and even with all their stupidity and ignorance, that there are more powerful forces at work here. Whether its God or Mother Nature, it serves as a reminder for all of us. Especially for Mother Nature. Stop farking around with the environment. All of us are really really small in this world as compared to them.

I am really, truly sorry for all the deaths and destruction. My condolence and sympathy. For those who are just reading and watching it, please count yourselves as blessed. Here's my wish for a happier 2005 for the everyone. Happy New Year.

Ah Lian

I came into office this morning really groggy. Had a farked up meeting yesterday which started from 0900 hours until midnight. And my flu is really killing me. On Tuesday, I actually went home early to sleep because of the flu. And because of the cibai flu, I missed out one hell of a drinking session with my friends. The meeting yesterday of course made my flu worse. When my colleaques saw me this morning, they asked me whether I have seen G, my other lady colleaque. I said no. Why? Oh, you'll see, was their reply. Hmm... I wonder ... I haven't seen G since Christmas eve.

When G came into office and I saw her, my reaction said it all. My eyes were wide opened. My jaws dropped slowly. No, she did not go for plastic surgery. And no, she wasn't naked. Ewwww.... But she colored her hair. And with highlights too! I'm color blind so I can't even really describe the color. Obviously she wasn't happy when she saw my reaction.

G: What?

Me: What the fark did you do to your hair? Ha! Ha! Ha! You look damn Ah Lian now! (For those who don't know what Ah Lian is, refer to earlier blog)

G looked pissed to be called an Ah Lian.

Me: Where the hell did you do it? Sungai Wang? I mean, what got into you? The tsunami?

G was looking really pissed now. Ha ha ha

Me: You know when it's really bad when even a color blind farker like me can see it. What the fark? Your hair stylist color blind? Can't be. Cos' I can see. Or maybe, its because I am color blind, it looks really bad.

Another colleaque of mine pushed me away.

Me: What?!!

Colleaque: You are so mean.

Me: Who? Me? Where got? Damn Ah Lian wat ...

Colleaque: Don't-lar. People paid RM350 for it ok ...

Me: What the fark? RM350 and you look like a mangy mongrel with highlights. Mah hai, I'd rather die than spend RM350. Must tell her ...

Colleaque: Eh, don't you dare go tell her!

Me: Ha ha ha. Ok. I get it.

Then the other female species in the office teased G about her hair and she was ok with it. But if I call her Ah Lian, I get that stare cock look. Question, why can't another guy tease a woman about her bad hair? Anyone?

Close 2 Heaven Part V

I know this has been a while. Not too sure whether memory still serves me well. Its gonna be hard to continue blogging about my Cebu adventures. Z and B reminded me to continue with the blogs and no embellishments. Heh heh, we'll see ... I will try not to put in too many details.

Continuation ... waking up the next morning was hell. I got up around 0700 hours and woke Iceman up too. He was groggy as hell. I called Wor Siong's room and when he picked up the phone, I yelled, "Tanduay!!!!!!" Needless to say, Wor Siong's reply was extremely "polite".

Iceman, Wor Siong and I got down for breakfast around 0830. During breakfast, we began to wonder what happened to the Americans. I called them and they said they were coming down. At 0900, we could see Ren and Stimpy. Man, Ren looked very sick. He walked in and stood by the assortment of food. I walked over to him and asked him, "hey, how are you?" And Ren went, "man ... all this food ... I feel sick". "Hey, you gotta hurry along... tour's leaving in half an hour's time"

The tour consist of us Malaysians, the Americans, z's family and the couple from Shenzhen. Our van comprised of us Malaysians and the Americans. Basically, the party animals. Tour Guide's a friend of B's family. I requested we make a pit stop for water and to change money. We stopped by a gas station to get the water and some snacks. Us Malaysians got a large bottle of water to be shared and we got another 6 cans of cold beer. From the gas station, we stopped by a mall to change money and while waiting for those who needed to change money, we got out of the van and opened our beers and drank away.

Iceman: "hey look, Stimpy is still in the van. He doesn't look so good man ..."

Me: "yeah, maybe we should offer him a drink?"

Iceman walked to Stimpy, "dude, you better drink this" Iceman offered him a can of beer. Stimpy looked at all of us, "fark ... get it away from me man, I'm gonna barf"

Me: "no, seriously, drink it. It helps with the hangover" "yeah, yeah" chorused Iceman and Wor Siong.

Stimpy: "you farkers are nuts ..."

As we were talking, Z's family members got out of their van to stretch their legs and when PR saw us drinking, he smiled and shook his head ...

The morning tour was quite uneventful. We went to see the Cross of Magellan and an old Church (sorry guys, can't remember the name of the Church), and an old fort. Both Ren and Stimpy were not at their peak. Stimpy looked sick most of the time. Whenever we stopped, we could see him bending over, hands on this slightly bended knee and we were half expecting him to barf anytime. The walkabout in the old fort didn't help either.

When we were almost done at the old fort, a bird crapped on Ren. He felt something warm hitting him on the arm and it was a bird's poo poo. Ha! ha! The crap missed Iceman and Wor Siong by a few seconds and once we knew it hit Stimpy, the 3 of us, Iceman, Wor Siong and me went round singing Outkast's Roses, "Caroline ... roses that smell like poo poo ..."

After the fort, we were supposed to visit B's mum at her office but a fire nearby caused a massive traffic congestion. Our van driver decided to make a 3-point turn on a two-way street! Cibai. Farker just turned farking van was practically horizontally in the middle of both lanes! And this was done during traffic congestion. Do this sort of thing in KL and I guarantee you some road bully farker will ripe your balls off and shuv 'em up your exhaust pipes.

We stopped by a eat all you can place for lunch. It served nice local lunch and Ren was so happy at the signboard that said eat all you can. After three servings, he was telling us he was still feeling kinda full from breakfast and could not eat a lot. And yet, he took three servings. Then he called a time out 'cos he needed to take a dump. I asked him, "why? you need to make space for more food?" Just then, Stimpy told us about Ren's wishy washy incident in the Philippines. Once Ren went to take a dump at a public toilet and there was no paper available. He walked out of the cubicle naked and had to wash his ass over the sink! Ha! ha! ha! How da fark the sink took his weight, I don't know 'cos Stimpy was showing us how Ren had to climb over and did the "wishy washy" and at the same time, was so farking afraid of someone walking in on him.

When Ren came back to the table, we all yelled "wishy-washy" and he turned red. I asked him how was the toilet and he said, you go see for yourself. I went to take a pee and farrrrrk ... I went into the cubicle and the farking cubicle was so damn farking small. I was standing there taking a pee and my shoulders were already touching the walls of the cubicle. How da hell did Ren fit in this cubicle? I went out of the toilet and Ren was already eating more food ... "Ren, how da fark you fit into the cubicle?" Ren laughed, "ha ha. I went in there, realised no way I can fit in, so I went and checked out the toilet for the handicapped. It was a large spacious room ..." Smart, real smart.

After lunch, tour guide told us that we would be going to visit a guitar factory. “What about beach?” I asked. “Oh, don’t worry. After the guitar factory we would go the beach. Its very near from the factory”, tour guide said. “What’s with the guitar thingy?” I asked. “Oh, Cebu is famous for making guitars” Wow, I thought to myself. Only guitars I know are Fenders, Yamaha and Kapok.

After driving for more than an hour, we still have not reach the factory and we were worried about our beach trip more than the damn guitars. We asked tour guide how long more and we were told short while more. When the van stopped to ask for directions, we got really worried. Farrrrk .. don’t mess with our beach trip man. After all, Cebu boasts of beautiful beaches. When the van stopped more people for directions (note, everytime the damn van stops, farker stops right in the middle of the road and everyone else has to go round him to pass!) I asked, “errr… since we can’t find the place, why not go straight to the beach?” “Oh, its just around the corner …” was the reply. After a few damn corners and another stop for directions, we came to the guitar place. It was almost 1500 hours! We thought we could make it a quickie but Ren decided to buy a ukelele. Instead of buying it from the first stop, farker Ren went shopping to the nearby factories. Lucky thing he finally bought one because the entire tour group was just following him around and he was factory-hopping. But he did made up for it by playing the ukelele and singing in the van.

Bronchitis

A friend of ours came back from UK with his wife to attend his brother's wedding. He planned a get together today when Len called me and told me the farker fong fei kei (literally means let go aeroplane). Len asked me to send out mass email to try to inform everyone ...

My email: "Guys, that tiu nia seng cibai pundek has fong fei kei all of us!!!! Farker claimed he's got bronchitis. According to his doctor, he must rest. Otherwise, he will have to start breathing thru' his ass"

One of the replies that came back: "ha ha. Then he can smell his own shit!"

My email: "if you breathe in thru' your ass and when you breathe out ... would you be farting? hahaha" "Anyway, some of us will still meet up at Dre's cafe in case those who did not get the email about the cancellation ..."

A couple of days later, our dear friend wrote to all of us apologizing.

Friend: "guys, I am really sorry. I had bronchitis and I had a runny nose. I had to have tissues stuck up into my nose the entire day! very sorry ...."

My reply: "dude! don't use tissues. try using dildos. Just take two dildos and stuff 'em up your nose. it'll help. hahahahaha"

Han's reply: "before you stuff the dildos into your nose, put some Vicks onto the dildos first. hahahaha"

Black's reply: "you all don't know anything. he has a runny nose. all those boogers are flowing out. you don't use dildos! you stuff the nose with tampons. Guarantee dry!!! 24 hours some more!hahahahaha"

What are friends for ....

Last Friday Nite

Last Friday nite, some of us guys went clubbing. It was me, Wor Siong, Cicak, Black, Ed and Pete. First we decided to meet up at the club near my office. Previously, college girls used to frequent the place and the club is now under a new name, new set-up, new management and it has been under the new set-up for like 3 months ago. So this time round, we decided we should go and check it out.

First to arrive was Wor Siong, Cicak and me. We saw all the tables were fully booked and we decided to sit at the bar. We ordered beer and waited for Pete and Black to arrive. Black arrived a little later and we just sat there and watched the crowd come in. Farrrrrkkkkk... all we saw were Ah Bengs and Ah Lians. Its like Loads and loads of them. And the live band sucks too. Pete arrive and we ordered more beers. Just then, we saw this Ah Lian walked by us, squatted about 5 steps aways from us and BAARRRFFFF!!!! All of us just shouted, "EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!" And every farker in the club looked. Ah Lian was cool. After barking out more, she just stood up and continued walking. Then some farking blind Ah Beng walking into the club stepped on it and slipped. Hahahaha. More blind Ah Bengs stepped on it. Even after the bar tender rushed there and placed a mop on it, stooopid farkers still step on it.

Just then Cicak informed us that his fiance is at another exclusive club and asked us to go there. But we just ordered 2 jugs of beer! Then Cicak said his fiance's colleagues were throwing her a farewell party. And we went, So? We continued drinking and Cicak kept receiving text messages and phone calls. Obviously his fiance is asking him to go over. After that Cicak said, guys, PJ (his fiance's name) is with only 5 girls. No guys... And Black went, "What da fark! Why didn't you tell us earlier? Farking drink up man ..." And all of us downed the beer and left.

We reached the club, not bad at all. Lotsa hot women. Some celebrities too. Black and Wor Siong started their magic charm on PJ's friends. Ed came and join us. Han came with his girlfriend Lil too. Then these two old looking chinese women smiled at Pete and I said hey, Pete, look there, six o'clock... old women hitting on you. Well, I think they are about late 30s. And Pete said, hey, I am about that age too. We sat by the bar and the two women started chatting with Pete. Next thing I know, farking chuni woker Black started talking to them too. He was cutting in on Pete's action and we told him its taboo. And farking Black came back and said, farking save me from the old farts. I said, Bastard, what save you? You are the farker who went and talked to them!!!

Later, I told PJ that we won't organise a stag nite for Cicak. But we'll organise a Hen Nite for her and her friends. Black will strip for them. Farking Black started to take off his pants to give the girls a preview but we stopped that crazy Black. Bastard, kept telling the girls to see first. Can touch also if you want...

Sigh ... what a mad nite ...

What I like about Christmas

Christmas is around the corner again. Sigh ... and I am getting all melancholic again. Everytime around this time of the year, I feel like that. Maybe its because there is no snow over here. When you walk into shopping malls, you listened to all the holiday music, the holiday ambience, people shopping, sigh... OK! OK! OK! Time to snap out of it.

What I like about Christmas? Well, I sure would wish for it to snow. But that's not gonna happen over here. The holiday ambience? Nah ... just makes me melancholic. Decorations? Fark .. I am color blind, remember? What decorations are you talking about?

Gifts and presents. Yeah, I would like that. My office has this tradition. A gift exchange thingy. I bet most office has this tradition. I think its another commercial ploy!!! It was a conspiracy by all the malls! They have played all the holiday songs with hidden messages in them. When you walk into the malls and listen to all the songs or music, they are brainwashing you!!! Shop Shop Shop. Buy Buy Buy. Gift Exchange. Then all the decorations are decorated and placed in such a way that they hypnotize you .. shop shop shop buy buy buy spend spend spend. I am telling you, its a conspiracy! You all better thank me. I am saving all of you.

Sigh... another busy day for me. Gotta stop blogging now. But what I like best about Christmas? Those cute sexy santa chicks. What are they called? Santarinas? Man, I so wanted to be santa and have them sitting on my lap. Those red outfits, little white furs here and there ... short red skirts ... I wonder whether those santas in the malls have a hard on when they so called "helpers" called the Santarinas sit on their laps, dance around, bend over to pick up gifts ... ok ok better stop. I have an image of shagging one of those santarinas in my mind now ... gotta get it out of my head and work ...

Before I forget ..

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

Alive and Kicking!

I AM ALIIIIIVE!. Its been a long while since I have blogged. Over a month? Well, the Cow is back, alive and kicking. No, I wasn't dead, kidnapped by aliens or farmers or anything like that. Just have been busy with work. Yes, cows do work unlike other freaking farm animals. Speaking of which, I wonder which farm animal would be the coolest? The Cow? The Ox? Well, being a cow is quite cool. You just wander around and chew on grass. Tho' I think the cow would be cooler to smoke grass than to chew on them. heh heh. Being an ox would be tough. Farking have to drag that plough all farking day. When you stopped to catch your breath, you get farking whipped. Downside of being a cow? You get your titties squeezed every morning. But then again, for some of you, its a turn on.

What about the PIG? Cool to be one? Well, just eat sleep eat sleep and wallow in the mud. Sounds pretty cool. But I don't think being a pig would be cool. Look at all the filth and smell the farking stench. Nope. Piggy won't be cool. Though I have no idea why Ms Piggy looks so clean all the time. And Kermit is the boyfriend? How the fark is a frog gonna shag a pig? They should have a politically correct muppet show.

Lets cut the chase. I think the Rooster would be cool. Why? Cos' he's the stud! Imagine a whole harem of hens for you to screw ... hahahaha