Dirty Old Man

The youngest employee in my office is a college girl on her study break. She is my boss's friend's daughther and she needed money for her studies in Australia next year. This girl is doing psychology or something like that and have always said that I will be the best "specimen" to be examined by her class and her lecturer. I was flattered but at the same time, I told her don't 'cos they might all fail in their studies because of me. Ha! Ha! Her name's Shermayne and being the youngest, she gets a lot of attention from the office people.

She turned 21 recently, a few days ago and everyone got her a present and I just wished her happy birthday. She calls me "uncle" and I've always said, I'm not that farking old! Why am I blogging about her? And why dirty old man? Fark you guys if you think the dirty old man is me. Mah hai!

Anyway, on her birthday, a delivery guy delivered a large bouquet of flowers and a hamper. In the hamper there were chocolates, other gifts and a teddy bear. A pink color teddy bear. I thought it was her boyfriend but she said she doesn't have a boyfriend. Aha! Secret Admirer then. She was worried. She called the flower company and managed to find out who sent it to her. It was "Uncle Lee". I thought this was her real uncle but turns out to be another friend who goes to the same church with her. And mind you, Shermayne's father is the pastor of the Church and he knows of this "Uncle Lee"!

I said, "fark, you've been seducing an old man?" (I thought Uncle Lee was a 50 year old Ah beng with a pot belly and balding head)

Then Shermayne told us the whole story. She is not interested in him. But this Uncle Lee has been texting her (sms lar) every night and is now sending flowers and teddy bears! Uncle Lee is 14 years older than her, is married with a 4 year old daughter and she teaches the daughter bible studies.

This is where all the farking females in my office point a finger at me and said, see, you men are all the same. Always going after young girls. Cradle snatchers!

Fark! I now have to defend man kind. Look, I am a few years younger than this Uncle Lee and I don't think there is anything wrong with older man going out or farking younger women (as long as they are above 16!). Hell, if there is a sweet young girl of 18 with big tits and starts flirting with me, I'd be flattered! But the fact is, I don't have a sweet young thing flirting with me. And I don't find it disgusting! I just don't see anything wrong with it! But, understand this, you silly women, only RICH old men would have the "tool" BIG ENOUGH to draw young women. Money lah. What da fark were you all thinking? Dick?! And young women willingly let old flacid cocks fark them because of money. Which farking old man who is poor get to fark a young hottie? So please, before you call men cradle snatchers... get your farking facts right!

But NOOOOOO..... every farking female species in my office disagreed with me. Ok. Ok. I think there will be an issue if I start dating a 21 year old or an 18 year old. I guess there will definitely be a communication problem. Hell, one of these young college bitches in my gym said the original singer of Every Breath You Take was P.Diddy! Fark! I am so definitely old if I know the original singer was Sting when he was with the Police.

So, I still don't find it disgusting but I think there might be some problems with having a much much younger girlfriend. But what I find it disgusting was this farker Uncle Lee is married. And he has a 4 year old daughter! Shermayne did say his wife is those typical dragon lady who controls his farking life. But that was his farking problem! He made the decision to marry her. But like all men, they were suckered into marriage. Look, what I am trying to say is that there will always be reasons to cheat, be it for the husband or for the wife. But with valid reasons don't make things right. They are still farking wrong. Let me give you some classic example. Why men cheat. Obviously, they needed something which is missing from their wife. Case No. 1. Wife doesn't blow him. Period. Even before marriage won't blow him. After marriage, still no blowjob. Somehow, he found the pleasures of a blowjob from another source. So he cheats. But that doesn't mean he don't love his wife anymore. He just wanted a farking blowjob!

Case No 2. Man goes to karaoke joints and got seduced by all the sweet talking and manja women from China or Cambodia. And the wives of all these men signed a petition and submitted it to the authorities (it really happened some time ago) to close down these karaoke joints. Their pictures were in the papers. Have you seen them? Some of them are just farking ugly and fat wearing their auntie clothing. There are also those typical Ah Lian wives who have farking ate so much after they got married and looks like a dugong now. But their farking mirrors at home are those special mirrors in the Hall of Mirrors where a fat dugong like her look into it, it still reflect her as JLo. What makes things worse, these fat dugong wears tight clothings. Branded stuff too. But they look like the Michelin Man. And they expect their husband to still be able to erect those flacid dick of theirs to fark them? Even you farking inject cocaine into those dicks won't help. And have you heard how they talk to the husband? Have you heard how these GROs talk to the men? I rest my case.

BUT, it is still wrong to farking cheat. But I guess ... its not wrong if you don't get caught! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Anyway, back to dirty old man Uncle Lee. Shermayne ignored him when he called and texted her. Shermayne told her friends how disgusted she felt and Uncle Lee did sensed that his plan backfired. He immediately texted her and told her not to misunderstand his intentions. He even asked Shermayne's friends what is it about the gift or the wordings in the card that caused this "misunderstanding". I told Shermayne to tell him, nothing. It was the farking fact that you sent it was already a misunderstanding. At first he tried to justify by saying he treats all of Shermayne's friends the same. Then he said it was to thank Shermayne for teaching the daughter. Then this farker even used God and religion to justify his actions and said only God will know of his true intentions. When he realised none of this work, he resorted to scolding Shermaine in his text messages by saying that now she has made him look silly and stupid. Hello, I told Shermayne, he doesn't look silly and stupid. He IS farking silly and stupid.

It was farking clear that he was hitting on her with all the previous text messages sent everyday to her. Is that not hitting? Of course he may deny them but he did say, don't tell his wife. So, if these farker is not doing anything wrong, why the fark can't you tell the wife? I told Shermayne, look, why don't you return the flowers and the gifts at Church on Sunday morning in front of the wife. But then again, I told Shermayne, not to cause a breakdown in someone else's marriage.

So I told her to take the teddy bear, cut off its head, dig out its eyes, cut off its hands and legs, stab a knife into the groin and send it back to him in a parcel. Man, I think I should be a Godfather. A Don.

Shermayne looked at the bear and said she didn't want it. All the more reason to cut it up. Here, let me help ... and then I asked her what color is the teddy ... it was pink. My girlfriend loves pink. Damn. Hey, do you want me to cut it up? Shermayne says please don't. Hmmm... Can I have it then? Yeah, yeah, I know you farkers think I am damn farking cheapskate here. But give me a farking break can or not? Imagine a color blind farker like me trying to buy a pink teddy bear for my girlfriend ...

Happy Halloween

Once we went to a forest reserve for a camp and the only road leading to the campsite was a narrow road without any street lights. It was a long winding road and at the entrance of the campsite, there was a marker in the shape of a huge tyre made out of cement. Once you see the huge cement tyre, you just make a turn and you will be on a dirt road and you drive in slowly for another 200 metres or so, you will find a beautiful campsite with a nice waterfall. If you are speeding along the road, you will definitely miss the marker and you really have to keep an eye for the marker. And without street lights, its almost pitch black over there. Over the next few nights, we discovered that lorries ply the route just outside the camp. You can see the headlights coming from a distance and you don't get a lot of cars passing by the campsite. One night, a couple of us geniuses decided to have some fun at the expense of the lorry drivers.

It was just about midnight when all of us grabbed a large white sheet of cloth and we walked to the entrance of the campsite where the marker was. We thought of putting the white cloth on the floor to sit on and fool the lorry drivers with our torch lights. We were just playing star wars and lightsabers when I suddenly said, "wow ... wish we can make this piece of cloth float and fly. that'll be scary"

One of us jumped up and said get off the cloth. I thought for a moment he could really make the cloth fly. But he just grabbed the cloth and said, "watch this!"

He climbed and sat on top of the marker and covered himself with the white cloth. Now, because the marker was a huge tyre, and with him standing on the tyre with a white cloth over him, he looked like one of Casper's friends floating there. We were laughing to ourselves when we saw headlights approaching and I shouted, "hide!"

Our ghost squatted on the tyre and when the lorry's headlights shone onto him, he stood up and down waving! With the white cloth over him, he was damn farking spooky. Ha! Ha! Ha! The lorry driver yelled "Tolong....!" (which means help!) and sped away!

We laughed so hard we were rolling on the road. Our "ghost" even laughed until he fell off the marker. When we saw the next headlights, we did it again. This time, the lorry driver blew the lorry's horn all the way until he was out of sight! ha! ha! ha!

The third lorry driver almost lost control of the lorry, it swerved a little and was heading towards the marker but the driver managed to regain control and sped away. Realising the danger now, I got everyone to quit fooling as we don't want to cause an accident. Besides, I told our "ghost", "fark, you definitely don't want one of these farkers to lose control of their lorries and crash into you. then you'll be a farking permanent ghost on this stoopid marker and each time we come here and camp, we'll have to offer prayers to you ..."

Close 2 Heaven Part IV

We went down to the lobby to wait for our transport. The rest of the gang were supposed to meet us there. When we walked out of the elevator, we were in for a huge shock. We saw nuns. Thousands and thousands of nuns, Everyone is a nun there.

Me: “what da …”

Iceman: “man, feels like a sound of music convention here….”

Iceman went on to sing “do re mi, mi fa fa ..” ha ha ha

Everyone else met at the lobby, T, Lady M, Ren and Stimpy were there too. We all hopped into the van and were taken to B’s house. We were running kind of late and we were sure the tea ceremony would have commenced by the time we arrived. Traffic in Cebu was at its normal best i.e. crawling all the way. There was a phone call to the driver, presumably by B’s brothers as we could tell that the driver is telling the other guy on the phone that we are on the way. We got to B’s house and all of us were just standing near the front gate talking when Z came out looking all dressed up and dropped a bomb on me …

Z: dude, you are emcee for tonight

Me: what da fark? It’s a tea ceremony. What da fark you need an emcee for? To announce the tea?

Z: to introduce the relatives lah. No worries. I’ve wrote everything down. Just read from the paper.

Me: ok.

Z: oh, by the way, you have a co-emcee to read the Cebuano names in case you fark it up by calling them something else

Me: ha ha.

Z: and your co-emcee is a she. And behave. She’s taken too.

Me: why can’t she read everything then?

Z: because she might fark up the Malaysian names too.

Just then I heard BK yelling my name at the porch. Z and I ran up the porch and both B’s brothers were there, BK and BR. Also standing there was another hot bird and Z just shoved a piece of paper in my hands and pointing to the bird, said “that’s your co-emcee, K”

“not bad, not bad …”

Z nudged me. Behave you bastard. High maintenance. High maintenance. Sigh …..

Z: oh by the way, my wife wants to do the traditional “negotiating” before the door is opened for us to come in and you are leading the negotiations…

Me: why me again? Dude, we’ve got to work on our communication. Seems a lot of last minute shit you are telling me. Ha ha

Z: because you’ve farking broken down doors before.

Just then we heard the elders inside the house calling everyone to come in and I thought the doors would be closed to start the traditional negotiation thing. But it was still opened and everyone was already waiting for the tea ceremony to commence. I just walked in and brought Z in. Hmmm… no need to break down doors. Easier this way.

Emceeing the event was easy for both me and my co-emcee, K. Everything was written down. After the tea ceremony, we were all invited to have dinner at the back of the house. There was a lot of food and a huge lechon (“roasted pig”) was served as well. I tried almost everything and found that the lechon and the crepe was really good. BR even introduced cebuano vinegar to us and we had some of the lechon’s brain together with the vinegar. It was really good. The vinegar tasted like Tabasco sauce. Overall, the food must be really good, ‘because Ren went for a lot of refills. Once, I was watching Ren and these group of little old ladies who were queuing behind Ren seemed to be pushing him along. It was kinda funny especially when the old ladies just sneaked in from behind him and grabbed food from under his elbow. You could see Ren’s exasperated face! When Ren came back to the table with his food, he was complaining that these people are just so damn impatient. I told Ren, “dude, don’t blame them. Look at your plate. They probably thought you would have taken all the food, that’s why they kept pushing you from behind so that you will feel pressured and leave some food behind for them…”

Z and B came over and we took some photos. I was asking Z for my co-emcee and he said, “I’ve got a better bird for you …”

Me: wait, what’s wrong with my co-emcee?

Z: she’s taken. She is seeing someone.

Me: oh ok.

Z: besides, she’s high maintenance …

Me: define high maintenance …

Z: one boyfriend was driving a beemer. The current boyfriend is driving a jaguar. And you are driving a proton … besides, she’s with her parents right now. And you would not want to deal with her cousin. This other girl is better and please, don’t scare her …

Me: hey, do I scare people?

Z: yes!

Me: sigh …

And I was introduced to another really hot bird. Her name’s J. And I was also introduced to other ladies over there that night and was just getting tired of all the socializing.

Me: hey, where’s Wor Siong? Did you make arrangements to pick him up?

Z: yeah. Heard that his flight was delayed. Some typhoon somewhere…

Me: heh heh. Trust Wor Siong to bring a storm to wherever he goes …

The night was really warm. No wind at all. Pitied the Americans, especially Ren. He was sweating so much he looked as if he was taking a shower there and then. After eating, they just went into the house where there was air-condition. Iceman and I still sat outside waiting for Wor Siong to turn up. We caught hold of BK too and asked him: “BK, another brother of ours will be here soon and we wanna go clubbing”

BK: okay. I’ll bring you guys to Vudu then.

Me: where’s that?

BK: that’s where you were at last night …

Me: but that place’s dead

BK: that was Thursday night. It’s Friday night tonight …

Iceman: ah…… cool. Hey, have you bought our beers?

BK: errrr not yet. But don’t worry. I’ll get them…

Me: hey BK, don’t worry about it okay? I don’t think we will be drinking in the hotel anyway. We’ll probably be drinking in Vudu.

Just then Wor Siong arrived and boy, we had a good laugh when we saw him. Now, Wor Siong back in his high school days had really short hair, hence his nick name was Wor Siong which means “Monk”. When he got into college, his image has changed and all of a sudden, he appeared in Cebu with his short hair of high school days. He looked as if he was back in high school again. Wor Siong was introduced to his partner in the entourage and we had to do all the socializing thing again.

After dinner, we headed back to the hotel as Wor Siong need to leave his bags there and grab a quick shower before we headed out to Vudu. Eug didn’t join us since he claimed he wasn’t feeling too well with a runny nose. While waiting for Wor Siong, Iceman and I got a head start with the wisky in our room. Once ready, our transport came and picked us up and we were off to Vudu. Now, at Vudu, we noticed its just like another Bangsar back home. Lots of hot chicks. Some are really really hot. BK came by later and brought Z, B, BK’s girlfriend and BR too. And Z brought J too!

We all went up to Vudu, made our way to the bar and each got a drink. Some of us went to the dance floor and we just started dancing. There was Z, B and J dancing away and Z called out to me to go over. So I went over and started dancing with them when that pundek Z quietly sneaked off with B and left me all alone with J. Now, I can smell a set up when there was one and this was one of those set ups. Bastard! I had to be nice and continued dancing with J and decided to talk to her for a while. And from the conversation, found out that J is really an outgoing person and loves the outdoors as much as I do!

After dancing for a while, I decided, ok, its time for me to quit dancing. My knees are killing me and we went off looking for the rest of the gang. We found them downstairs and Z had the bloody cheek to ask me, why did I come down! The whole group of us continued drinking and this is where we were introduced to the local rum, Tanduay! We finished two bottles of them, got Z and B some other cocktails but those 2 sneaks were sneaking away all the time avoiding the drinks. Wuss! Next thing we know, Iceman, Wor Siong and I started singing our high school song, in public! In Vudu! In Cebu! Everyone was just looking at us drunks but we just continued singing as loud as we can.

J had to leave at 0000 hours and we just continued partying and drinking. I was really glad Ren stopped drinking ‘cos if he gets smashed, I have no idea how I am going to bring him back. Stimpy was really smashed from the Tanduay and since I was downing that foul rum, I called it “Tandu-Hai”. Wor Siong, Iceman and I went back into Vudu and continued dancing. BK took Z and B home. But BK looked really smashed. His girlfriend decided to drive instead. After a while, we decided to leave and instead of leaving, some of us wondered off track and went into another club instead. And just like the Sheep Theory, everyone followed. This club was pretty much quieter and I managed to get everyone to leave again. I thought I was quite sober but believe me, “Tandu-Hai” was making me sick and I wanted to barf. Instead, I was anchoring the whole gang who decided to take a cab back instead. Good idea ‘cos I don’t think anyone of us could have walked far even though the hotel was less than 10 minutes walk away.

While I was anchoring the back, I could see one of us strayed away and talked to three really fat women. Man, he must be really drunk to be hitting on fat women. I ran up and was just in time to see Stimpy pushing our friend along and shouting, “Dude, you owe me man, I just saved you from those fat bitches!” I turned around and looked and the fat women and they looked pissed. Shit! I started to walk faster and told everyone to move along and get into the cab. Last thing I need is 3 fat women with 3 fat boyfriends coming after us.

We got back into the hotel in one piece and we continued to drink and party at Club 1213. We got out our wisky and introduced them to the Americans. Ren and Stimpy were wasted. T was hanging in there as he has a golf game to go to the next day with Z’s father in law. Wor Siong was equally smashed as well. Iceman was singing “Sound of Music” again … “do re me, me fa fa ..” Next thing we know, Iceman was barfing in the toilet and clogged up the sink. Everything was just left floating in the sink and Stimpy went in to take a pee. While peeing, I took a picture of him and when he went to the sink, Stimpy shouted, “dude, who da fark barfed?” Iceman went on another “Sound of Music” singing “me me me, fa fa fa …”

After the Americans left and Wor Siong went back into his room, Iceman went to take a pee. That’s when another hell broke loose. The toilet was not flushing properly and it flooded out! Gross! Iceman just went back to bed and passed out. I even tried to wake him up to get him to remove his contact lenses and he just gave me the finger. I went back to the toilet and decided to call housekeeping. That was 0300 hours. Housekeeping came at 0330 and when he saw the sink and the toilet, he was grossed out. Ha! Ha! I stayed awake until 0430 hours after he has finished cleaning things up and left. Shoot, its 0430 hours and I hope I don’t wake up at 0600 hours. My head was beginning to throb and I was really really tired. I needed sleep badly. I can only guess that I have been sleeping average of 3 hours a night since Monday. And all the Smirnoff, San Miguel’s, Single Malts, Tanduay is not making things better. I looked at Iceman and he was dead asleep. I think back and yeah, it was really funny back at Vudu. There was suppose to be a half day tour around Cebu starting at 0930 hours and I thought to myself, hey, I can sleep until 0900 hours …

Close 2 Heaven Part III

That night, Iceman and I talked cock until 0200 hours until we were farking tired and mumbling as we were falling asleep. Both of us knew that Day 2 in Cebu would mean rehearsal in Church at 1000 hours. BK told us earlier that he would swing by and pick us up at 0930 hours. As the both of us were falling asleep, we set our cell phone’s alarm to 0830 hours for shower and breakfast. 1 hour should be enough. Yawnnnnn……!

Next thing I know, I heard my watch’s alarm beeping. Fark! It’s 6am. My damn watch’s alarm is always set at 6am. Should’ve switched it off! I opened an eye and fark! We are late! It was really bright outside and I could feel the sun burning into the hotel room. I looked over at Iceman and Iceman was also looking at me. Both of us thought of the same thing, we are late. Shit! Hang on … my watched beeped at 6am. I looked at my watch again. It is 6am. Something’s not right. Z told me that Cebu and home are in the same time zone. Iceman’s watch too said 6am. I pulled aside the curtains. Fark! It was freaking bright. I felt like Nosferatu staring into the sun. Back home, this kind of sunshine means at least 0900 hours. Then it hit me! All my science and geography came back into my head. Cebu is further east than home. Aiseh. Stupid me! Of course, the sun would come out earlier here. No wonder I felt it got darker early last night. And I thought it was bad weather. Silly me. Iceman and I laughed and tried to go back and sleep. But it was too bright. Even with the curtains, we could really feel the sun burning into the room. We ended up talking more cock, watching fashion tv again and went down to have breakfast at 0730 hours.

At breakfast, there was not much food to choose from. We just ate some bread and drank coffee. I needed a lot of coffee. It’s already Friday and I really really need sleep badly. I was feeling numb in my head. The hotel was playing 80s music from a radio station and when Rick Ashley’s “Never Gonna Give you up” was played, Iceman and I laughed. Memories of our scoutmaster, “Tiga Bukit” came into our mind with his impersonation of Rick.

After breakfast, we got back to the room and waited until 0930 hours. We were thinking of the attire when we remembered that Z told us its church and we must wear long pants and shoes. We checked out and waited for BK to pick us up. BK arrived and after the usual good mornings, we climbed into his 4WD and headed off to church. Once at church, we were just awed by the church and we had to do the tourist thingy (take photos lah, what else?). Z and B arrived a little later and we were introduced to R, the wedding co-ordinator wearing his J-Lo glasses. He was wearing tight fitting shirt, wonder how he breathes? Realized that he was a little soft too. Stimpy was also there and since Stimpy and I were the groomsmen, we just stuck together. We started checking out the “bridesmaids” and the other girls in church and we were making funny comments and yup, our imagination was about to run wild when Iceman reminded us that we are in the house of God … sorry God. We behaved. But we were still looking at the girls. Then we realized, Z was in shorts and sandals! That wanker! He told us to wear pants and shoes and he was only in shorts and sandals! Real tibai!

Z was standing quite a distance from me when Z looked at me and asked me “which one?” Now, I can’t hear him but I could read his lips. Why was I sure he said “which one?”. That’s because Z promised me some birds as an incentive for me to fly to Cebu to attend his wedding. Or else, I was reluctant to fly there. I signaled him with 3 fingers. “3?” Z asked. “Who is no. 3?” I moved my lips, “not no. 3, I am interested in 3 of them!” Z moved his lips, “Greedy bastard” ha ha

Z moved his lips again, “1 only” and signaled with his index finger. I sighed and said, “ok .. that one” and I signaled to a dopey looking bird. Z laughed and shook his head. He whispered something to B and Z turned towards me (shaking his head) and said, “no can do, tall guys only”. I looked back at him and showed him the letter “L” with my thumb and index finger and said “Hukum John” (“John’s Rules”)(we came up with this rule from all our physics lessons and basically it means Tall Guys = Short Dick, Short Guys = Long Dick). Z laughed and I was sure he remembered that stupid rule we came up with.

After rehearsal we were supposed to have lunch at the sports club. Just before we hopped into the van, Z asked me again, which one? I asked him, hey, which is my bridesmaid (partner) and he said, “she’s not around. Anyway, your partner’s taken (spoken for) and she’s not in your league ‘cos she’s high maintenance”. “dude!”, I said, “why da fark you partner me with her then?” Z laughed and said, the entire entourage from B’s side have been taken, some even married. Damn! I told Z, “you real pundek! Find-lah single bird and partner with me!” Z said, “dunno, my wife’s entourage. Not mine”

At the club, we all sat down for lunch when Ren and Lady M joined us. They were not part of the entourage and they went for a massage instead of the rehearsal. Again, I had the privilege of watching Ren eat and whatever he ate, seems so delicious. The flower girls were there too, 2 of them whom are sisters and they were running around playing tag. Iceman kept saying that they were cute and I told Iceman, “dude, they are just kids. Leave them alone. Otherwise it’s called pedophile!” While the two sisters were running around playing tag, one of them tried to climb onto a chair and Iceman just asked her, “what’s your name” At the same time, the girl’s mum called out and said, “no, that’s dangerous”. And I quickly quipped, “yup, it’s dangerous … don’t talk to Iceman”. Everyone roared with laughter and the girl’s mum kept apologizing to Iceman saying that “that didn’t come out right. I meant to tell her don’t climb on the chair”. Iceman gave me a nudge on my head and said it was my fault for that wise crack! Ha ha

During lunch, we reminded BK of the beers and he said no worries. He’ll get them. But he asked again, you sure you wanted 3 slabs. “yeah!, very sure”. After lunch, we were asked what we intend to do. It was close to 1500 hours and Z told us that that evening itself, there will be tea ceremony and dinner at B’s house at 0700 hours and BK will pick us up at 0630 hours. With that schedule in mind, Iceman and I just said, we are suppose to move to the waterfront hotel right? (that’s where the wedding reception will be held) and since we have not checked in, we might as well check in and get some R&R. It was a good plan since I needed sleep so badly.

We got into the hotel and we were given 2 rooms since Wor Siong and another guy Eug are coming too. Iceman and I took 1 room in case we were so dead asleep, we can wake each other up in time for dinner. We took room 1213 and we renamed the room Club 1213 as I’ve decided that this particular room will be party central. At the same time, Wor Siong texted us and told us that he is catching the last flight out from Taiwan and will arrive in Cebu at 1900 hours that same night. Told us to get ready for a big boys’ night out. Iceman grabbed a shower and got into bed and I, had to go to the business centre to check on my emails and work. By the time I finished checking my emails and clearing some of my work online at the business centre, it was already 1700 hours. Crap. I only have an hour to take a nap and I am the kind of guy who can’t fall asleep fast no matter how tired I am. I got back into the room and Iceman was fast asleep. I climbed into bed and my mind was still on work when the doorbell rang. Fark! I looked at my watch. 1720. Who da fark is ringing our door bell? Iceman woked up just as the door was being opened from the outside! What da hell? Who’s got the keys to this room? A guy walked in and he looked surprised! “Eug?” I asked. “yeah… and you must be Z’s friends”

“yeah, but how’d you get the room keys”

Eug told us that reception informed him that we have not checked in yet and they asked him to check in and even took an imprint of his credit card. Iceman and I told Eug the hotel must have screwed up and told him his room is next door and to go and cancel his card. Told him to catch up with us at 1830 hours as the transports will be here to pick us up for B’s house. I got back into bed but realized I can’t possibly sleep again. Sigh … I took a shower and both Iceman and I went down to the lobby to wait for our transport to B's house ...

Blue Dick

The art of ragging has deteriorated over the years. But it can't be helped especially with protective parents and pansy kids and also legal suits, the art of ragging is really deteriorating. Once I heard that this guy's dick got tied to the ceiling fan and they switched on the ceiling fan. Well, it must've been funny but it wasn't funny when there was legal action taken against the school and the "raggers".

Nowadays, it's pathetic the way the seniors "rag" the freshmen or the juniors. But, like I mentioned earlier, can't be help. Ragging is strictly a big NO NO. So instead of ragging, they make the juniors wear silly name tags, call names and run silly errands. I guess those are the official version of ragging. I have not heard about the unofficial version. I am sure somewhere out there, there are extreme ragging being conducted which I have not heard of (for obvious reasons).

Now, some of you guys will probably consider my ragging way below standard (especially those who are into hardcore ragging) but I just consider them to be fun and harmless and in the end, everyone has fun.

This is just one of my many stories of our ragging (more will come) ...

Story 1

We just finished camp and were back in school grounds for 1 more night. Everyone's dead tired and we just slept on the tables in the classrooms. Later that night, some of us got hungry and I managed to rally a small group to go out and look for food. We went to wake another guy up but he was so farking tired, he didn't budge at all. We forced him to stand but he just drop back dead asleep. We all looked at each other and laughed an evil laugh and we stripped him off his pants and underwear. Lo and Behold! Sleepy Guy's little buddy was at attention. His flag pole was up at full mast!

Me: haha. He must be having one hell of a dream.

Keling Zhai: wait! [he flicked at the dick so hard you can hear the sound effect of it!] yup, definitely wet dream.

ha ha ha

Wor Siong: what shall we do?

Me: fark it!

Wor Siong: what???!!! you do it man... i'm not into those things.

Me: no lar you farker. i said fark it as in forget it. m farking hungry. let's go eat.

Wor Siong: say lar properly. I thought you've gone over to the dark side.

While we were at the mamak having supper ..

Me: wonder what the farker dreaming of ...

Keling Zhai: of course dreaming of farking a hot babe lar. what else you get a boner like that?

Me: hey, you know we've left him just like that with his dick at full mast and we didn't cover him ...

Wor Siong: so?

Me: what happens if its really a wet dream and ... it errr... gets wet ...

Keling Zhai & Wor Siong: ewwwwwwwwwwwww. farker. we are trying to eat lar!

Me: ha ha. ok. ok. let's not talk about it.

After we ate, we headed back to school grounds.

Me: hey, let's check up on that bastard.

Wor Siong: you sure? don't want to walk in while its erupting...

Keling Zhai: fark! you think what? geyser ah?

We walked into the classroom quietly ...

Me: shit.... it's still at full mast!

Keling Zhai: what kind of farking dream he is having lar? what the fark is he farking in his dream lar?

Wor Siong: must be the worse case of blue balls if he ever wakes up ...

Keling Zhai: ha ha. why not we help him. let's put plastic bag over his dick and we wank him!

Me: fark! you do it man... you are farking sick .... no wait.... speaking of blue balls, i have an idea...

I ran to the first aid kit and got out a whole bottle of gentian violet and cotton buds.

Wor Siong: what the fark you doing lar?

Me: you'll know, you'll know...

I opened the bottle and started pouring gentian violet onto the dick and the balls. I used the cotton bud to continue painting the whole dick and the balls. Keling Zhai and Wor Siong almost died laughing! Both of them were on the floor rolling and laughing.

Wor Siong: wait ... you color blind bastard. you missed a spot...

Me: fark. you do it.

They took over my "masterpiece". All this while, sleepy guy was dead asleep.

Keling Zhai: fark. hurry up man. Don't want to be painting a dick this close when it erupts! ha ha

We stepped back and smiled with satisfaction. You could see that the whole dick, pubic hair, balls ... all in dark blue... or is it purple (fark it! i am color blind, remember?)

Me: hey, you know how our wounds get "hardened" after we apply gentian violet ...

Keling Zhai: fark. you mean he is gonna get a permanent woody?

Wor Siong: shit. i don't know you guys man. it's late. let's sleep.

You should hear Sleepy Guy's scream the next morning ....

Fire!

"Pour the school with kerosene..

fa la la la, la la la la la

Light up matches throw it in ...

fa la la la la la la la la

watch the school burn down to ashes ..

fa la la la la la la la

oh, wat joy its to play with matches

fa la la la, la la la la ..."

*sing in tune with the xmas song "Deck the halls.."

I'm gonna have to make a detour from my cebu blogs. Been drawing too much attention lately. Anyway, its karaoke time, sing with me! ha ha ha

Hey, I'm not an arsonist even though starting fire is one of my expertise. But I will still need matches. I'm no commando to start fire from rubbing wood together.

Anyway, the reason I am blogging about fire is not because of my fire starting skills and its not because I've just watched ladder49 (i wonder why 49?). I'm blogging about fire 'cos lately, there were 2 occassions where fire broke out near my office.

The first time, I was heading to my office when I noticed one of the floors at one of the office towers near my office was blowing smoke. Farking nasty. There were a couple of fire engines and police cars parked near the office tower and surprisingly, there was no traffic! For the first time, there was no traffic congestion near my office (its congested 24/7) and even with a fire, its not congested. I don't see any ambulance, so I guessed no life is in danger. There were a lot people standing outside watching, some were even standing by the roadside and the dumber farks were standing on the road! Dumb farks! I was looking upwards at the fire and the smoke and these dumb farks were standing on the road. Well, I managed to look down at the road in time 'cos I almost plough through those dumb farks. And these farkers can give me the "stare cock" look. Mah hai! Instead of slowing down, I burnt rubber and stepped on it and attempted to plough thru them anyway and next thing I know, the policeman was staring cock at me. Well, I didn't get into any trouble for that 'cos they were too busy with the fire anyway.

Now, the second fire incident. My office is located on the 7th floor of this block of building. Previously, my office was located on the 5th floor but my bosses decided to buy their own property and bought 1 of the office units on the 7th floor (there are only 2 units of offices each floor). We still maintained the 5th floor office and converted it into conference, lounge, pantry, library etc etc 'cos of a pain in the neck landlord. Our neighbour in the office unit next door was an old man and he wasn't doing too well in his business. Most of the time, his door is locked and he could be seen sneaking in and out of office. We were all making guesses that he is avoiding debt collectors. Eventually, he ran away and new neighbours moved in (I was in cebu during that time).

Last week, while renovating they overloaded the main and there was a strong burning smell. Guess what the farkers did? Those bastards called up the management office and told the management that they suspect there is a fire at my office in the 5th floor! Management came and investigated and my boss was so pissed off at them 'cos it was farking obvious where the burning smell was coming from. We came to the conclusion that our new neighbours have nostrils in their ass 'cos with all the shit they have, they can't smell anything anymore. In the end management, after their investigation told them they overloaded the main and blew some fuses.

2 days ago, again there was the strong burning smell and my boss said she has had enough of those idiots and went down to the 5th floor to confront them. I was very busy at that time and was rushing with some documents and mumbled if you need me to bash them, call me. I sat in my room and continued working. Then, the admin manager came into my room and told me, "hey, there's a fire at 5th floor!". I mumbled "cool..." and continued working. Then my secretary came into my room, "errr, hello? fire downstairs?"

Me: yah ... but I don't hear any alarm ringing. I'm busy, stop harassing me ..."

Then I overheard my staff talking, "we better ask boss to tell him there is a fire 'cos he won't believe us. remember the bomb incident?" [yeah, there was a bomb scare last year and it took the entire office to try to convince me until my boss told me herself there was a bomb scare, then only I believed there was a bomb scare]

Later my boss came into my room, "hey, there's a fire downstairs and I think we should leave the building"

Me: oh crap. why now? just when i'm rushing something ...

Boss: "hurry, grab ur stuff and lets go ..."

I grabbed my pen drive (all my documents are saved in there, that's my rice bowl!) and a birthday I gift I have for somebody. I went to the main entrance of my office and yeah, "holy smoke!" there was smoke everywhere and it smells foul! fark. I saw my staff all waiting by the elevator lobby and I asked them, "what da fark you guys doing? take the farking stairs!"

Me: Boss, how bad is it?

Boss: not really. i think they overloaded again and they may have put the fire out. But the smoke is really bad, that's why I asked everyone to leave/

Me: okay. i think we should shut down all power in the office and lock up.

We went round switching off everyone's computer and shutting down everything. After locking up, I told my boss I'm going to that office unit. When I went there, it was all dark (not pitch black) just dark and the smoke was thick. I went into the office unit and there was no fire. No one's around but I did manage to see a few people at the far end of the office near the windows talking. I guess its safe. But where the fark was the fire. I followed the powder on the floor courtesy of the fire extinguishers and found the cause. The main or the fuse box was burnt. I could see burnt marks all the way up to the ceiling.

Then two guys walked in, a security guard and a guy in management's outfit.

Them: Mana itu api? (translation : where's the fire)

I pointed to the box.

Them: Apa jadi? (translation: what happened?)

Me: overload?

Them: Mana lu punya kontraktor? (translation: where's your contractor?")

Me: heh heh. saya bukan tuan sini. saya kepoh saja. (translation: i'm not the owner here. just a busybody)

Them: ha ha. siapa tuan? (translation: who's the owner)

Just then this fat guy walked up. He was in a mess, dirty with soot and powder all over him. I figured that he must be the owner or something and he must have used the extinguishers to put out the fire. I was about to say good job man when his next actions pissed me off.

Fatso: Apa lu orang buat sini? (translation: what are you guys doing here?)

Them: kita management ... (translation: we are from the management)

Me: hey, you guys alright. was it an overload?

Fatso: no. no. no. not overload. and please leave. (he was behaving like a jack ass and at the same time he was breathing hard too)

Me: hey, we're just asking whether you guys are alright ..

Fatso: yeah yeah but its not overloading, I know what's the problem

I thought to myself, hello? if you knew what the fark was the problem, it happened a week ago too and just that this week it got worst! This fatso was breathing so hard, his nostrils were freaking huge. I bet I could suck his eyeballs out from his nose. But that will be gross. Maybe I'll use a vacuum cleaner instead. Ha ha

I left the room after that and continued to walk down the stairs to join my colleagues. There was no rush anymore 'cos I know the fire was put out. I was alone in the stair well that time and the smoke was really foul smelling and I could feel my lungs taking a beating for it. Then thoughts of the people running for their lives in 9/11 came into my mind and the firemen who are fighting fires in the twin towers and other burning buildings ... and the thought of those firemen who did not make it out of there ... a sad feeling came over me and yeah, these firemen are heroes ... a salute to those who have died valiantly and those who are still sacrificing themselves to fight fires and rescue lives

By the time I got to the base, I met another neighbour of our building.

Neighbour: hey, what happened? everyone's standing outside ...

Me: yeah, some fat dumb fark stuck his dick into the fuse box and caused an overload ...

Neighbour: ha ha

I started telling my neighbour the whole story again ...

Close 2 Heaven Part II

When I arrived in cebu, I’ve no clue where I was supposed to go. I figured that since my friend invited me, he better have some hot bird come and pick me up. And since his family was in the same flight, hey, no worries.

Z was waiting for me outside the airport. He bundled his family into a van and told me that I would be riding with him in another van. Cool. That sneaky bastard. I was sure that the other van’s driver would be some hot chick. The van came and this short rugged looking guy jumped out. Fark! Where’s the girl? Sigh ….

In the van,

Z: dude, I’ve bad news. The condo’s not ready yet. So I will be putting you in a hotel with Iceman

Me: cool. No problems. Iceman arrived already?

Z: yeah. He’s hanging out with other friends of mine from the States. Dude, its not the hotel where the wedding reception will be held. They are full for today. You’ll be in a cheaper hotel and I’ll transfer you guys tomorrow.

Me: No problems. As long as its not some Rumah Tumpangan shit.

Z: ha ha. Ok. No worries. Its pretty decent.

Me: dude, is it normal for every farking guy in cebu to pee in the public?

[I noticed that in every farking corner, behind a tree, against a wall, there will be some dude taking a leak]

Z: yeah, its normal

Me: cool. Wish I can pee like that in KL without getting arrested and my dick chopped off. Eh, what about the women?

Z: do you see any women peeing?

Me: no.

Z: then no-lah! Cock question you asking!

Me: ha haha. Just asking mah.

Me: dude, the traffic here is nasty. Fark, I think I’ve already seen like five guys finish pissing and we are still at the same farking spot.

Z: yeah, traffic here sucks.

Me: man, I won’t complain about KL traffic anymore…

At the hotel, I was introduced to his American buddies later, T, Lady M, Ren and Stimpy (sorry dude, if you are reading this, I’ve decided to call you Stimpy since you call our Hawaiian buddy Ren) and Iceman was there too. Iceman just calls all of them the Americans.

At the hotel, I noticed there was this guard together with this huge black muthah farking dog. Man, I swear, this dog can chew your balls off with one bite! But he’s cool. Very handsome looking dude too. Very very disciplined. Anyone that brings a bag into the hotel, this mean dog will sniff it out. I’m just impressed with this dog’s discipline. With all the hotel guests walking up and down, he was still cool with whatever’s happening around him. Let’s call him Scooby.

Anyway, Z told all of us that we are heading over to the designer to try out our Barong (it’s a traditional Philipino wear). At the designer’s, I noticed that the guy is a bit soft. I felt kinda uncomfortable during fitting as he was touching me on the shoulder, back and as he was reaching down, I farking closed my eyes. Man, I thought to myself, this dude better don’t grab my ass or else I’ll farking shove the barong up his ass. Wait a minute, he might just like that. Ewwwwwww …. I’ll shove it down his throat. But then again, he might just like whatever’s being shoved into him, be it in the front or in the back.

After fitting, we were really hungry. Z told us that we are all invited to dinner with his family and his in-laws.

Me: errrrr…. Do we have to go?

Z: I just invited you guys right?

Me: I mean, do we really have to go?

Z: why? What’s the problem? If you don’t feel like going, its ok, I guess…

Me: its not that, just that with family and in-laws, it means that I have to behave

(the rest of the guys i.e. the Americans and Iceman chorused behind me, yeah, yeah)

Me: but never mind, I think it’ll be worse if we don’t turn up. We don’t want to be rude or anything, just feel uncomfortable at the very thought of behaving. Man, what the fark is that smell? Its making me hungry!

[We were all standing outside the designer’s place and there was smoke and something smells really good]

We decided to follow the smell and guess what? We found this stall with huge slices of “siew yoke” (pork) being grilled on a pit. The smell was awesome. We grabbed a few of those “siew yoke” and Z was going, “errr, guys, there’s dinner yunno? Besides, is it safe to grab from a road side stall?” We grabbed it anyway. Z then dropped me and Iceman back to our hotel for a shower and told us that his wife’s brother will pick us up for dinner.

At the hotel, Iceman and I turned on the tv and took turns to have our shower. While I was in the shower, Iceman shouted, hey! You gotta look at these. I came out of the shower and No….. there was no porn on tv. But something better. There were advertisements of all the clubs and karaoke joints in cebu. Pictures of the Guest Relation Officers were all over tv. And man, were they scantily clad! We got the names of all those karaoke joints. How come KL don’t have this kind of advertisement? And farking Z told us that this is a decent hotel. Ha ha.

At dinner, I met Z’s wife, B and she gave me a big hug. I was introduced to Z’s in-laws and his other family members whom I have not met. During dinner, I managed to experience for the first time Ren’s eating habits. Watching him eat makes all the food look good. Each time a new dish is served, he’ll look at it and say, “that looks good. Can I have some?” Next thing we know, the whole dish is with him.

After dinner, we went for dessert called “halo-halo”. Its just another ice kacang to me. I still think Penang’s ice kacang is better. Iceman, Z’s brother in law, PR went to a club called Vudu after that to have drinks. That’s when the good news hit us. When we saw the menu, San Miguel’s beer is only 50 pesos. That’s like RM3 a bottle. Then B’s brother, BK told us that in the supermarkets its only 10 pesos.

Me: shit. 10 pesos? Dude, can you get the beers for us.

BK: no problems, how many do you want

Iceman: [counting in his mind] 5 slabs of it. 5 crates?

BK: [jaws dropping and eyes popping out] 5? That’s like 120 cans!

Iceman: what? Too little?

BK: who’s gonna drink it?

Iceman: [pointing to me] him, me and 1 more guy, Wor Siong who will be arriving tomorrow. PR, you want to join us?

PR: shit, you guys drink a lot man …

Iceman: ok, lets be realistic, 4 slabs?

BK: [eyes still popped out and jaws still dropping] errrr… ok. That’s like 96 cans …

Me: hey iceman, since we’ll go clubbing tomorrow nite, mebbe shud reconsider. I think 3 slabs more realistic.

Iceman: ok, fine with me. Besides, there’s still a bottle of wisky in our room and Wor Siong is bringing vodka

PR & BK’s jaw dropped all the way to the floor.

BK: errrrr. Ok. I will get 3 crates for you. But where are you guys gonna keep them?

[Ren and Stimpy have joined us by then]

Me: well, we’ll just buy loads of ice and put everything in the bathtub. Ren, can we shower in your room instead?

Ren: Sure. Man, you guys are freaking us out. What the fark Malaysians drink? Water or beer?

Iceman: ha ha. A little bit of both.

We adjourned back to our room for more drinks. That time, there was only Iceman and me, both talking cock about the good old days and downing the wisky. At the same time, we just continued watching all the tv ads on the karaoke joints and the bars …

Close 2 Heaven Part I

This is going to be a log on my trip to Cebu Island in the Philippines recently.

My friend was getting married (sucker!) and I was part of the entourage. I've known this friend of mine, Z since we were kids, don't exactly remember how old or how we hit it off, but I know we have been friends for ages and we go way back since primary school.

I was supposed to be his bestman but I could not accept the duty of being one. I've been bestman before for 3 other weddings, and some taboo stuff about not suppose to be bestman more than 3 times. I thought that taboo thingy only applies to bridesmaid but apparently not. My parents weren't too happy when I told them I will bestman for the fourth time. Since I am still single, I told my friend, Z that I might as well not take the risk. But the taboo didn't say anything about being bridesmaid! Does that mean I get to be bridesmaid for 3 times?

The day before I left for Cebu, I worked until 2am. Clients gave me some last minute work to finish up and knowing that I will be on leave for a week, they wanted the work done by then. Documents were still coming into my email at 7pm that night and I was frantically trying to finish everything. Fark, this is the only time I wish email was never invented. And fax machine too! That very day, I was again made a firm believer of Murphy's Law. Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong! It started with my staff, then my clients and to make things worse, my computer decides to hang on me. Then the farking printer doesn't work. Had to farking swear and curse it and like a raving lunatic, actually threatened the printer that I would torch it if it doesn't work. It worked after that. At least my secretary decided to function properly that day and worked until 9pm to make sure I am fine with everything.

I managed to pack my stuff into my backpack half an hour before I left for the airport. I won't even call it packing, just dumped whatever I can think of into my backpack. At the airport, I was much more relaxed by then. Had breakfast, loads of coffee and was hoping that I could catch sight of some hot looking stewardess. I was sorely disappointed! It seems like a Old Folks Home convention going on at the KLIA that morning. All of them seems to be on a Tour of Duty thing in China. And they all have the same luggage. And same windbreakers. Is this some kind of terrorist training?

The coffee was not helping. For past three nights, I've hardly slept. I was falling asleep fast. I think I better go in and wait. At least if I fall asleep inside, maybe a hot looking stewardess will wake me up before I miss my flight. Hell yeah, that's a good idea.

I went in and at the waiting lounge, there was a flight waiting to take off. The cabin crew arrived a little later and I was just staring at them. The stewardesses were wearing this jacket with zippers in front. Kinda kinky thinking that I can unzip them from the front. Its like unwrapping a present slowly but without tearing the papers. Man ... I was shit bored there. And those zippers are making me hallucinate. I think it was the coffee. And it doesn't help either that these stewardesses were wearing short skirts. Damn. I need a more coffee!

When I boarded my flight, I realised my friend's family were in the same flight when they called out to me. Damn. I forgot about them. Ok, looks like I have to behave. I thought I was travelling alone and could misbehave but now ... nevermind. Just find my sit and sit down. Hmmmm... maybe the stewardess in this flight would be pretty. I put myself on alert and scanned my surroundings for birds. Nothing. No birds. Turkeys and geese maybe. No birds. Fark!

To make things worse, this lady and her kid sat next to me. He's about 3years old and was crying all the way. I was freaking trying to sleep and the kid was bouncing up and down the chair like a rubber ball and nudging me. Felt like shoving my elbow into the kid. Made a snarling face at the kid and he started crying again. What a wuss! If only I have duct tape with me. Probably will tape him up.

There was stopover at KK and after the stopover, I realised my sit was taken by someone else. After enquiring, I realised the lady with the kid took my sit as she needed leg room. Sigh. Ok, that's my good deed for the day. I took her sit at the back. And what a lousy sit that was. I cramped in between this woman who is more of a pachyderm than a woman and this white boy who's as big as a polar bear. Sandwiched by a pachyderm and a bear. Sigh. And guess what, there's another kid sitting behind me kicking my chair. I can't sleep, I was bored, and all I had to do to entertain myself was think of all the ways I can break the kid's legs.

1. Have the pachyderm sit on his legs.

2. Have the bear sit on his legs.

3. have the pachyderm hold 1 leg and the bear hold the other leg and pull them apart.

4. shove the kid's legs into the bear's ass

hmmm.... you know the cart where they place the food ...... that's a nice play to store a kid that size.

the list of things that I could do to that kid goes on until I reached cebu ...