Idols

I have never watched any of those idols idols show. I know about it. But never watched any of them. Yeah yeah ... loser right? Nah ... just never had any interest in any of those idols shit. Reality shows that I watched were amazing race and eco-challenge. And some other reality shows in that kind of genre.

Someone asked me today ... how did I go through life without watching a single episode of american idol. What kinda stupid dumb fark question is that? Plain no interest lah. That idiot then asked just what will interest me. Then it hit me. Pornstar Idol. Yeah .... is there such a reality show? Man, in this place where I live in, even french kissing is banned from tv. But, is there Pornstar Idol out there?

Man, that would be one reality show I would be glued to. Wonder what the parameters would be? Best farker? Most cum? Best Moaning and Groaning? I know there's pornstar awards and all but imagine ... a search for pornstar idol. Imagine standing in front of 3 judges and trying to convince them that you are pornstar material. So guys, any idea how Pornstar Idol should be done? Haha ...

Hmmmm.... its a very nice thought. Think I will stop now and go to bed with a large smile and a big hard on thinking about Pornstar Idols and how the reality show should be done ..... imagine myself as judge, wah lan neh ... nice, very nice. Even better ... imagine myself as contestant ...... cool ..... ok.. ok... nuff said. Hard on already. LOL!!!

Another Con

Hey all .... been really busy. Normally I don't spam people with emails on what happened to their friends etc especially on stuff like being robbed, being conned, beware of women with big tits etc ... But this did happen to my buddy's uncle who called me for advice (and so happened I received this email on this scam). So instead of blogging, its copy-paste for me today ... here it goes ....

---------------------

Just want to share with all of you our experience on this matter.

We received at home the similar call as mentioned by xxxxxxxx (pls scroll down to his email below) on 17/5/07 at about 10.00am. We were very suspicious over this call because :

1) There is never in history or a practice that the High Court will ever call someone via phone to remind them on their court cases.

2) If it is the High Court, why the voice mail was recorded in "English" and not our national language, "B.M."?

3) When we press "9" to check with the operator, she did not sound like Malaysian and she also spoke in "English". When we refused to give our name and IC No., she was very unpleased and didn't want to cooperate. She just told us that they were the "Call Centre" acting for the High Court. We then asked for her supervisor, a guy (can't remember his name but believed is a Chinese but with foreign accent and we were quite sure that both of them were not Malaysian). On top of that, when we started to speak in BM with that guy, he got annoyed and said, "I am speaking English with you, so please speak in English!". We definitely did not think Malaysia High Court would engaged any foreigners to do this kind of "unusual task".

4) They refused to provide their contact no and address of their office and after we pushed for it, they gave a no. but it was different from their Caller ID shown on our phone. (We tried both nos. later but there was just a funny tone like no such no.).

5) Later, we went to lodge a Police report and was told that on that day, there were already 3 similar cases reported at Subang Jaya.

So, be very careful not to fall for it!

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Subject Fw: URGENT !!! Beware of voice message from "Malaysian High Court"


Dear family members and friends

I am writing this e-mail to warn all of you. This is what happen to me on 18th may 2007 at 10.00am. The phone rang and i answer, a voice message stated that the call is from the Malaysian High Court mentioning that i have a case to attend at the KL High Court. Rather curious of what sort of case i have, so i press 9 to talk to the operator.

The operator speaks very 'slow english' if you know what i mean. She insist that i must give her my name and ic no. in order for her to check what sort of case i have. I hold on for a few seconds and she ask me if that is really my ic no. I confirmed and she also confirmed that i have a case to attend. She says that she will faxed the doucument over to Bukit Aman Police station and the officer will call me in 3 munites.

So i hung up, through enough i received the call less than 2 minutes. He announced himself as Yeoh Long Wah from Bukit Aman police station. He ask me a lot of questions and say the criminal have use my ic detail to open bank account in Maybank and Public Bank in Negeri Sembilan.

He then ask me whether i have a bank account in Maybank and Public Bank. I told him that i have a Public Bank a/c. He says that i have to answer his questions honestly so that he can help me with my case. The questions he ask like have you lost yr ic before, did you hand over yr ic to anybody for documentaion and how much money u have in yr a/c

I told him i cannot reveal the amount in my account and that i will meet him in Bukit Aman police station. He says fine and meet him before 4pm and gave me the phone no 03-77826222.

I rang my lawyer and ask for advise. She ask me to fix the appointment with the so call police on Sat or Monday since today is Friday and mosque day. I called the the no 77826222 and the police answer telling me that this is not Bukit Aman police station but police station in Old Klang Road. I told the police the problem and he told me to launch a police report in Subang Jaya police station because they have been receiving a lot of these calls from people.

I went to Public Bank to freeze all my a/c for the time being. I am sharing all these with you so that you will not go through the trauma i went through

From
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

My Favorite Weekend Shirt

Have a great weekend guys!!!

Oh Come On ...

Tibai Dave. Remember him. He is the tibai accountant that released poisonous, noxious and toxic gas in his car with his windows up and his friend trapped inside. Yup. That tibai accountant that farted in his car. Friggin changed the car into an instant gas chamber for death row.

Tibai Dave just Ym-ed me. Claims he cannot access my blogs. What da fark?! Konon his company block. Reason? Contains offensive adult material. Offensive to who lah? You mean besides offensive adult material, there are acceptable adult materials ah? And what's adult material lah? Sheesh....

Mah hai. Fark. If my blog like that also they consider offensive adult material ... wah lan, I cannot imagine how they rate the porn sites. Damn tiu nia seng lah like that. I think my blogs are therapeutic. Don't you think so?

Tibai Dave .... talk to your IT guy. He is the man. For all you know he blocks the sites but he is the one providing or hosting porn sites. Hahahaahahaha

Roger - Shrek Face/Off

I was watching Shrek the other night ... remember the scenes when he changed to human form? I dunno lah ... but you guys tell me, shrek in human form look like roger federer or not? I swear to you ... that night when I was watching it, he really looked like roger federer tho' the pictures I post here don't really compliment my thoughts.

shrek picture from answers.com

roger picture from picture-newsletter.com

Paranoia

I have predatory eyes ... I think. Not the kind like the eagles or the hawks where you can see from friggin far away. But the kind where you can see a nicest titties from a mile away. Yeah, that kind of predatory eyes or at least, that's what I think.

There this chick working in my office. Kinda conservative ... which I am very surprised to find this kind of conservative chick in this era. Let's see ... how to describe her ... young, in her 20s, still pursuing some kinda exams or certificate or paper qualification. Long hair. Wears glasses. Wears really really conservative clothes. She is always covered up, head to toe. I have never seen her wear a skirt which is at least knee length. Always jeans or pants or long skirt. Maybe she has hairy legs?

And her top ... you will never find her in any neckline tops. Don't even talk about low necklines. Always covered up. You probably only see her neck only. And to top it off, she always has sweater or cardigans on. Always. Even when she walks out in the sun to tah pau food, her cardigan is on.

But ... this girl has boobs. Well, she is well endowed for her height. But this girl ... too shy and conservative lah. Each friggin time, I walked by her, she will automatically draw close her cardigan or her sweater. What da fark?? I mean ... I don't go walking round staring at women's tits. Or do I? It doesn't help when the person in front of you is shorter than you. You have no choice but to look down. Haha. What more when she has nice big titties?!

But seriously ... I know I don't look. Which means ... this girl has some serious conservative issues. Probably friggin paranoid that everyone looks at her assets. Damn ... when you have it, flaunt it! But then again, my colleagues tell me, that they noticed that she only pulls close her cardigan only when I walk by. Damn .... my reputation precedes me. Heh Heh

Words of Wisdom

My macha once told me, when you are with a girl ...

ALWAYS LOOK INTO HER EYES .......... NOT HER TITS!!!!!!!!!!!!

haha

Lembu

Of late I noticed that a lot of people came to my website as a result of them googling lembu. I really do hope that its you farkers whom are too friggin lazy to add my site to your favorites. Kan ni neh. Probably because I don't have enough pictures of naked women hence you don't keep is as your favorite website. Bangsats.

For those whom were really really looking for lembu ... Lembu = Cow in English. Cow as in those that goes moo moo. If you still don't farking know what a cow is, it's what you call your fat ass ex-girlfriend. Hahahaha. If you still don't know what a cow is, google cow. You will find pictures of a cow and your fat ass ex-girlfriend there. Shit ... even wikipedia has a whole shit load of definitions for it. They call it Cattle.

But for you jokers whom are just too lazy to google lembu ... this is how a lembu should look like:-

And for those whom has never heard of a moo, this is a MOO.

And ... for you tibai dogs that have been googling lembugila, it's mad cow or crazy cow. Don't know what's that? See ... I also have a picture for you.

And he sounds just like THIS!

P/S - Can't remember where I got these from. Only remembered I got it from an email. Whoever the author or creator of this shit ... thanks! And thanks to my buddy Mongoose who helped me technically on how to load all dis shit here. Haha!

Peeing

I was attending a dinner function last weekend and as usual, I had a lot of beers. And with beers, once your tank is full, you really got to go. So go I did. Went to the gents and I usually don't use the cubicles unless I want to take a shit. Hell, I don't know why some people are so friggin shy or afraid that whenever they go into the toilet, they rather hold their pee until their dicks explode rather than use the urinal bowl or the common piss area. Well, I don't know what you call that ... the one where everyone just friggin stands in a line and you piss into this main "longkang". Whatever you call it lah. I'll call it longkang.

Maybe some of this dick heads think there are some gay boys hanging around the toilet waiting for them to show their dicks and get hit on while they were pissing. Hmmm... maybe that's why they always go into the cubicles. Also, if its a urinal bowl, noticed how everyone tend to not to use the bowl right next to the bowl which is currently in use? Why? Scared people see their dicks? Damn... everyone in there has dicks. Matter of how big, how long, how fat, how hairy ... or how badly infected with STD. hahahaha

So there I was, standing at the longkang pissing. This little boy was standing and pissing there as well. He was probably around 7 years old. Then his buddy came running into the toilet ... ran up to him shouting his full name, Jonathan Kang Ah Beng (ok ok I made up that name but basically his full name was called out) and his buddy just patted him so friggin hard on his back (more like a shove) and asked, what are you doing here?

Haha. With that hard shove, the boy almost fell into the longkang and his pee went senget (sideways) hitting his legs and shoes. He was obviously annoyed but instead of just looking back, he just turned his whole body around, dick pee and all to his fren and said, hey! why you push me?

Farks. Despite being drunk, I was quick enough to move my right leg. If not, kena tembak by kencing. Kan ni neh that kid. Best part is, when he turned around, his pee pulak tembak his buddy whom just ran in. Farking mess it made. Haha. Stupid kid then tried to swing back his dick to the longkang with pee but by then, it was reduced to trickles. With that, he shoved his dick into his pants and looked at his buddy whom was half drenched with his pee. Haha. Man ... it was no laughing matter for his buddy. Could see that he was about to cry. He pouted, ran out screaming that his fren peed on him. Damn ... That's when I thought, before the mothers come and kill each other, I better get out of there. Damn kids might even say I pissed on them instead.

Telur Setengah Masak

Telur Setengah Masak. Half boiled eggs. A staple most of us Malaysians know. Especially to us older generations whom use to have telur setengah masak before going to school. You crack your eggs up and pour out the contents. Sometimes the egg yoke has hardened, sometimes semi soft, sometimes totally watery. The egg whites, definitely still watery. You mix it all up, stir it, add kicap and pepper and you just drink it all down.

Just the other day, I was having teh tarik at the friendly neighborhood mamak with my colleagues. It was after work hours and some of us have to put in more hours. As we waited for food, somehow the conversation went to porn movies and why men always fantasize about getting what the pornstars give. When it came to the topic of swallowing ... the girls went EWWWWWWWW. Disgusting etc etc.

Now, for food, my colleagues ordered a variety of food. Two of them ordered telur setengah masak. Both ladies. The guys ordered maggi goreng, mee goreng, roti canai etc.

I was munching into my maggi goreng when I see one of them mixing her telur setengah masak. She has painstakingly taken out the egg yoke and was just stirring the watery egg whites. The other girl ... the egg yoke was watery. When she cracked the egg, egg yoke and egg white just poured out. She was also stirring it and was adding in kicap.

I looked into the bowl with only the egg whites. I look up at the girl scooping it up and sipping it down with her teaspoon. Hey .... that looks just like sperm. I wonder how come you can swallow that but you girls find it disgusting. It looks just like sperm. All white, watery and icky as well. Maybe you have to add some kicap and pepper but then again ... normally they shoot it straight into the mouth .... hahahahahaha

She went green. She looked like she was about to puke. Lembu!!!!!!! The other girl screamed. How can you say such things?

Huh? Why not? It does look like sperm. Well ... in your case, yours have yellow stuff in it. Maybe from STDs. Hahahahahaha

They refused to continue eating anymore. Good for me. I finished their telur setengah masak. Even dipped toasted bread in them. Yum yum ...

Submission

Reading Anonymous' comments reminded me of a story about submission. This happened many many many moons ago. And as usual ... Guru Lembu gave wise advice. Haha.

A buddy of ours saw us having a couple of beers and strolled over with a glum face. We were like ... what da fark dude??!!! Listen to the music. Look at all those chicks. Short skirts. Tight pussies. Big titties. Why da fark are you so friggin sad like your cock fell off like that?

Now, this buddy of mine ... lets just remain anonymous, let's call him Tai Lan Ngong (its cantonese for big stoopid cock). Tai Lan Ngong started telling me this sad shitty story of his about how he fell in love with this girl and had wanted so badly to marry her ...

So marry her lah! What da fark is your problem? No money? Father don't let? Mother don't let?

The answer ... was a real cracker. Wife don't let. You see, Tai Lan Ngong's religion permits him to marry up to 4. But, with conditions lah. He must pass some tests and one of it, if I am not mistaken, is the first wife's consent.

Divorce your first wife cannot? I asked.

You want me to die ah?

Heh heh. Ok ... I figured as much. Dei, buy me more drinks. Maybe when I am farking drunk, I can give you an answer.

Fark you lembooo. After I pay so much for drinks and you are pissed drunk, I might get cock advice from you.

Still, he bought. I drank. He bought some more. I drank some more.

So? Almost 1 bottle finish already. Any cock advice you can give?

Cock Advice? That's it! I had one of those drunk light bulb moments. TING!

Dei pundek. You go home ... you fark your wife every nite. Every nite you fark her as many times as you can. You cannot oso ... you still must fark. Still cannot ... you take pills lah, tongkat ali lah, steroids lah, turtle blood lah, tiger penis lah... whatever, you must fark. She got period oso you must fark.

What da fark? You think my cock what? Made out of wood ah? Wood oso, fark every nite oso will reput. Haha

No no. You fark her until she cannot take it anymore. Fark her into submission. Then she will ask you to find another wan.

Ooooooh.. Good idea lemboo. Eh Wait! What if you she likes it?

Errr ... dat time, you are really farked. Hahahahahaha

6 months later I saw Tai Lan Ngong again. So how?

His reaction - he immediately ordered another bottle of wisky for me. And then he placed a wedding invite on the table.

Wah ... so it worked lah!

Yup yup. He grinned. But he said, it was hard work being horny every night.

1 month after his wedding, I saw him again. So how? Nice or not having threesome?

Tiu you lah lemboo. Your idea got flaw a bit.

What flaw? I asked.

His reply? Fark. I farked so much until my cock is damn farking sore. Now with my new wife, I can hardly fark. Must recover my cock a bit. Like I said, even if wood oso and use to go in out in out so much, oso can reput.

Hahahahahaha. You want more advice or not?

NO!

heh heh ...