Freedom

Everyone knows you lose your freedom when you get married. But to what extent ... well I thought it was only limited to things like the boys outing, the beer drinking etc. But there are little things that I slowly discovered that ... freedom is not only limited to the boys outing, the beer drinking etc.

Hopefully in my blogs I will slowly tell you more, as and when I discover what it is that I am losing.

Recently I realised ... I lost my freedom to fart. Yes. You read it right. FART. There is no more "fart at will". Two places I missed the most in releasing my gas, is in the bedroom and in the car.

In the bedroom, whenever I want to fart ... I have to hold it in, then get up, run out of the room and let it rip. Sometimes while running, I leak out small gases. The worse is when by the time you stand up, no more fart. It went back inside. Tiu ...

Oh no, that's not the worse, worse is when you are nicely sleeping and you let it go, you get smacked for farting. You have to wake up, get out of bed and let it rip elsewhere. Oh ... how will she know about my farts? The smell man. The smell. It can put a herd of elephants down. They should let me fart into gas chambers for death row. Haha. If you let out a loud one ... of course lah she will know. But if you let out a silencer ... ah, silencers are killers. Once I let go a silencer while I was still sleeping under the bed covers, comforters to be exact. Even I myself almost died. Had to air the entire room after that. Haha

In the car ... what else can I say. No where to run. I can't be stopping my car and stepping out just to fart. But then again, car is enclosed space. Worse than gas chamber. Last time I used to just lift my butt cheeks a little to the side and let it rip. Then open window and let it all out. Now ... I let it rip, I get smacked, window gets opened, car stops, I get smacked again. Hahahahahahaha

Professional Attendees

Once again the ugly Malaysians reared their ugly head. Honestly ... I don't know what to say anymore 'cos most of them are the older folks.

I was attending yet another annual general meeting yesterday. When the floor was opened for questions and answers, I did notice the familiar face of this shareholder whom I saw him last week at another company's annual general meeting. Hogging the mike, he started his questions. I don't know his friggin background but the questions ... gawd! You really feel like slapping him or telling him, if you think you are so good, why don't you sit up here and be the CEO or the Managing Director. What a farking jackass!

He even took time to give comments on how the directors should run the company and advising the company to build manufacturing plants based on what he see the other competitors did. He has no idea about costs, permits and consequences. He just stands up and condemns the company for not building a plant.

I took time off to pee. When I was outside the hall, I realised, this friggin AGM is like a convention for senior citizens. The entire hall was just packed with old folks. All waiting for the AGM to finish just so that they get the lunch. I came back from the toilet, and the same idiot is still asking questions. Fark! He even started questioning the company over international accounting standards. Real asshole.

The company made a big mistake as well. They were in the food and beverage industry and displayed hell of a lot of their products at the hall during the AGM. Guess what? One joker, a former teacher of a high school, stood up and commented that the products should be given away to the shareholders. Helps save the company from carting it all back. The chairman of the company was gracious to allow that.

The other AGM I attended, it was the usual shit. When lunch was served buffet style, you see all these shareholders fighting to get the food. Its like everyone rushing into a Bus Mini. What's worse, some even brought plastic containers to "tah pau" lunch.

I feel embarassed ...

Call Me Murphy

I think I have the shittiest luck. Its so bad that I think I should be Murphy. Why Murphy? Murphy's Laws? Anything that can go wrong will go wrong. I should blog about every damn mishap that happens to me but then again ... I yams not so free ler.

Anyway, the other day I went to Plaza Sentral for a meeting. If anyone of you guys want to go Plaza Sentral, don't even bother driving there. Take the LRT.

This must be one of the stoopidest buildings around. They have so many friggin offices there but the visitors parking lot is very VERY limited. And coupled with my Murphy Luck, it was the worse nightmare.

I drove into the parking lot at 10.20am. At 10.50 am, I still cannot find a parking spot. Each and every time I make a round, I see someone come out and another car takes its space. Even when I decided to wait there, I would end up waiting at the wrong spot. Either I am waiting too far in front or too far at the back. What kind of shitty luck was that?? After waiting for ages and after going round and round the same friggin parking lots, I decided that I have had enough. Gotta drive out and find parking elsewhere. I drove out and guess what? A small lorry carrying gypsum boards got stuck in the car park. I could not exit. By the time I got to the exit and gave the parking ticket to the pondok there, the makcik there told me, Uncle, Tiga Ringgit.

I told the makcik Tarak parking lah.

Makcik said, Uncle lu sudah manyak lama kat sini.

Woi Makcik, tengoklah lu punya car park. Betuih tarak parking. Wa sudah pusing pusing sampai wa punya minyak pun sulah mau habis!

After spending minutes arguing and with other cars honking behind me, makcik finally raised the barrier and let me out.

By the time I find a parking in KL Sentral, I was 45 minutes late for my meeting. Went into the meeting and everyone told me, next time take LRT lah. Puki tiang betuih.

My Throne

Last week I got to select my throne. I bet not all of you get to select your own throne. Right? Anyway, it was on that beautiful day where all the planets, moons and stars were aligned I went to choose my throne. I figured, how difficult can it be? I can be so friggin wrong …

For my throne selection, my wifey, Bunny tagged along. Of course lah, choose throne must bring your wifey along mah. Besides, she has better color coordination than me. Oh wait, since I am color blind, I have zero color coordination skills.

We walked into the shop and the sales attendant immediately attended to us. Asking us what do we want. I told her I am looking for my throne and she gave me dis “duhhhhhh” look. Bunny cut in and said, we are looking for water closets for our house. Ohhhh… here here, these are our range, we have johnson Suisse, armitage shanks …. She went on and on and showed us to the various models and designs …

Wow… never in my life I thought a shit bowl would come in so many designs and shapes. But honestly … I couldn’t really tell the difference. All of them looks the same to me unless the shape is really different. So how do you choose your personal throne? Do what I did, sit on each and everyone and try. Some hole damn big. Some hole damn small. Some the rims not so comfy when you sit on it. Some makes u feel like you are sliding off the rim. Some hole so big you sit damn kangkang with your balls dangling over the shit. You gotta check out the contours of the bowl so that it fits the contours of your ass. All this is so that you can shit easy. Haha

Anyway … the moral of the story is, you have to friggin sit on them and test see if comfy or not. Some of the bowls have signs that says, “Please do not seat”. So how? Cannot “test drive” lah like that. I can’t be doing the horse stance over the damn bowl right? Remember, when I say “test drive” doesn’t mean you take a shit there ok. Besides, with so many toilet bowls, how much shit you have lah? Unless you can control your shit, each bowl you poop one small shit out. Hahahahaha

But seriously … after a few “test drives” seating on those friggin bowls to see if I was comfy with them, I started to feel like I want to shit. Actually have to rest a bit and hold back my shit. Heehee

After “test driving” the bowls, Bunny asked, “so? Are you happy yet? Which one you want?”

Me: Wait wait. Got some more test.

Bunny: What test lah?

Me: I need to kneel down and hug the bowl …”

Bunny: WHAAAAAAAT???????!!!!

Me: Well, sometimes or most times when I drink too much I would be barfing. So I want to know if its comfortable or not hugging it or placing my cheek against the rim and see if it will slip off and …

Before I can finish, Bunny went, “ok ok. Sheesh … I can’t believe I am saying this .. go and test lah. And be quick! And I am not standing near you. If anyone asks .. I don’t know you.”

Haha.

Eat Oso No Peace

The other night I was at the mamak stall having my favorite nasi lemak tambah ayam goreng tambah sambal tambah telur mata kerbau. This is one of my favorite mamak place. Has the most unhealthy ayam goreng ever! The mamak there is still the old style kind of mamak. Small little stall with all the tables and chairs set out on the road itself. Well, not in the middle of the road lah. You think what, siow meh? Put table and chairs in the middle of the road.

What I meant to say is that its on the road as compared to some mamak whom will set up the tables and chairs on the five foot way or the kerb or even on road dividers.

It was quite a slow night. Not many people. It was still early anyway. So most tables were still empty. After I had my fill of nasi lemak, I saw the next table ordered my favorite ... indomie. My tummy growled. Fark. After all that nasi lemak, still want some more. So I ordered. Boss, Indomie kasi double. Tambah mata kerbau!

My order came and I started to dig in. Then came this lorry. Drove up slowly next to all the tables and out jumped 2 guys. They just started taking all the empty tables and chairs and threw all of them into the back of the lorry. Nothing was said. Just jumped out of lorry and grabbed tables and chairs and threw them in. I looked at the mamak fellas. They didn't do anything. I figured ... nah, I don't think got people psycho enuf to be stealing tables and chairs. Must be the local authority.

True enough. It was the local authority. Confiscating the tables and chairs 'cause they were placed on the roads. Some customers got frightened and stood up. That also, they grabbed the tables with the food still on them and threw the tables into the lorry. The plates of food and cups of teh o ais limau were just strewn all over the road. Then the mamak fella started to tell everyone whom were seated down not to stand up. But I guess it was quite futile. Everyone was afraid. The way the guys were grabbing the tables and chairs were like hostile and aggressive. Then one of them came to my table. I was still holding a fork with indomie on it. He grabbed the table and stared at me. Nothing was said. I gave him this really blur and stupid look and still holding a fork with indomie on it. He hesitated. I continued with my dumb look. He then let go of the table and grabbed the other chairs around the table as they were empty, threw them into the lorry and left.

Lorry drove off and I could see the mamak fellas's sad and disappointed expression. Some customers left. Some helped to pick up the plates and cups on the floor. The mamak want to offer them food again but gotta eat standing lah.

Well ... its against the local authority's laws to place the tables and chairs on the road but still ... I never expect them to behave as if they were the anti terrorist strike force doing a snatch and grab operation.

Security

The condo unit that I am living in has probably the tightest security ever. If there is a visitor, they will have to ring your unit and if you are not home, the visitor will be turned away. Even if the visitor were my own parents dropping by and I am not in the unit, the guards will turn my parents away.

And being the owner, if you have forgotten your access card … they ask you to get out of the car and register in even though they know you or they know that you are the owner of one of the condo units there. If you bring in a guest in your car and is not your family member, they will walk up to you and ask your guest to register. Strict huh?

I am very happy with this kind of security. Causes inconvenience but I always tell myself … its for my own good and safety.

Last week I was chatting with the maintenance guy and one of the guards. I was there at lunch hour to make some payments to the management office and to check on the contractors doing the renovations at my unit. Walking out of the car park I noticed there were still a lot of cars parked there. Commented to myself – what da fark? All these people no need to work wan ah? Kan ni neh. Must be home for lunch to fark their wives or mistresses. Haha

While talking to the maintenance guy and the guard, I commented on 2 things. The strict guards and all the cars still parked there. Then the maintenance guy started laughing and asked, “sir, you really want to know why ah?”

I looked back and grinned, let me guess … mistresses. Everyone laughed. Yup. I was right. I never thought an old condo project like this still houses mistresses. Lunch hours usually between 12 – 3 pm, you will see lots of cars in the car park.

But security is very strict. Why? To stop the legal wives from barging in. No one will ever be allowed to enter into the condo without approval from the resident of the unit. Any wives come for a raid … they will have to wait outside the guard house.

I asked them … so the mistresses here how wan? Chun ah?

Both of them grinned. Sir … you will know when you move in. Guarantee you … no regrets.
Wah lan neh … thinking about it gave me a hard on and a big grin on my face. Images of hot looking birds hanging around the condo waiting for their man came into my mind … wah … must ask my contractor to hurry up with the renovations.

Bedtime