Journalism?

This was extracted from an article in a local daily yesterday. The article was a tragic article and reading it brings a sense of sadness to me. But somewhere in the article, these words appeared...

Meanwhile, state traffic chief said the accident occurred when the MPV hit a cow and skidded before colliding with an on-coming trailer.

The cow died.

When I came to that part of the article, I could not help laughing. I just find it so silly. It was such a serious and tragic article and out of no where, the reporter went on to report about the MPV hitting the cow. And his next sentence, in fact, his next paragraph was "The cow died". I think we have some serious issues with journalism and reporting skills.

My Kiasu Experience II

That tibai accountant finally woke up and went back into his room to sleep. At least there will be some peace and quiet for me. I was this close to stuffing some soiled socks and underwear into his mouth to stop the snoring.

Next morning, he woke up and decided to be a better host. That was after I told him I bitched about his hospitality in me blog. Told me he will bring me to eat breakfast. But I think the gas in his stomach did not go away totally. There he was, burping away. What more can I say, his burps are louder than his farts. But at least, instead of gas coming out from his rear end, its coming out from the top. Its safer that way. No. 1. It doesn't smell as much. No. 2. Less risk of a combustion or explosion. I swear ... his fart gas probably contained some methane or some explosive gas judging from the smell it emitted. Light a farking match and bet you can see flames flaming out of his ass. LOL!!!!

I didn't get to tour Singapore at all. Only place that tibai accountant showed me was Geylang. This tour was done at 1130 hours. As in a.m. If you don't know what that means, it means in the MORNING!!! Fark ... there he was showing me the infamous Geylang area in the morning when there is nothing to be seen. He even showed me where all the fish tanks and aquariums are located. But being a good host, he even offered to stop and let me walk in and check out the fish tanks. Sadly, I have a flight to catch.

On the way, joker asked me why I didn't recommend any Teh Halia to him this morning even when his stomach is still so full of his shit gas.

Told him, "Dei!! You think I stoopid ah? I knew I would be stuck in a car with you. And you want me to run the risk again of you farting in your car??? Tibais...."

There.. my kiasu experience. Full of gas. Toxic I may add. Passed by Geylang in BROAD DAYLIGHT. Oh, he did recommend some good food. Especially at this restaurant managed by a Chinese B-ball player.

Say what?

For starters, I do not want to be involved in any political or rights issue over this blog. If you think this is a political or a blog on human rights with freedom of this and that, you can leave this site or this blog. I am a very simple cow and I think things on a much simpler platform. Somehow there appears to be an issue over freedom of speech and sensitivity.

This is how my mad cow disease infected brain of mine works. I give you examples.

"Darling wife, you are FAT" - Now that is freedom of speech.

SLAP!!!!! - Now that's the reaction you are going to get if you exercise freedom of speech freely.

"Darling wife, can you get bigger breasts?" - Now that is freedom of speech.

PINCH!!!! - Just a mild reaction depending on how your sporting is your wife and your tone of voice when you said it.

"Dear? Why are your arms and legs so hairy?" - This is also freedom of speech.

PUNCH!!!! - Now that's the reaction you are going to get.

"Sorry wifey. I am late. I was busy shagging our neighbour next door" - Ah. This is an ultimate freedom of speech. You da man.

STAB!!! STAB!!! CUT. SLICE. DICE. CHOP. BAG. THROW. - errrr... need I say more?

My Kiasu Experience

I arrived in Singapore last night. Actually it was a couple of hours ago. But its 1am now so I guess I arrived last night. As Einstein said, time is a relative thing. I am in Singapore for business and by the looks of it, there is no time for leisure. I contacted that tibai accountant Dave and he said to crash at his place. That's where the bad news start. I thought Dave and I could hang out somewhere and get smashed but tibai Dave was sick. I was at Holland Village and tibai Dave said he will be late 'cos he is sick.

I waited until about 10pm when he asked me to meet him at Silver Cross. I thought, COOL!! must be some watering hole with a lot of chikkies. Sadly, it was a 24hour clinic. TIBAI. Met him at the clinic with me lugging my luggage. He looked pretty sick and was moaning and groaning. He was even walking KANGKANG. Come to think of it, he was with SirLen aka Barney the other night. Must have something to do with the fuzzy tail. HAHAHAHA. But the doc told him he got gastric flu. I told that tibai dave TEH HALIA would do the trick.

After the doctor, tibai dave's fren drove his car back to her place. (She drove him to the clinic). Then that tibai accountant asked me to drive his chick magnet, a 2-door Renault Megane Coupe back to his apartment. I thought cool, I get to drive in Singapore. On the way back that TIBAI ACCOUNTANT FARTED IN HIS CAR!!!! GOD!!!!!!!!!!! The fumes! The gas! The SMELL!!! Mah hai! It was like a farking gas chamber in the car. You could kill a herd of elephants in there. I was searching desperately for the buttons to wind down the windows. I was so close to breaking the windows out of desperation. With the windows down, I had to drive with my head sticking outside. Fark! Damn STINKO!!!

Later at his apartment, he ran into his toilet and delivered the mother of all farts. Can hear him shitting his guts out as well. You hear the flush and then he opens the toilet door. I gagged. I was in the other room but I still gagged. Choked. Farker must have ate a decomposed triceratops for lunch. Singapore should just send all the death row inmates in here to be sentenced. Death by lethal gas. Fart gas.

After shower and changed, I got online again to blog. But that tibai accountant was trying very hard to play host even though he was sick. Quite a good host I would say but that tibai fell asleep in the guest room. Farker is now snoring like a triceratops. Tibais....

The Rock

When the time finally came, I asked my buddy Black to accompany me to the jewellers to help me pick out a teeny tiny rock for my other half. Thought a buddy can always help me out and he was of a REALLY BIG HELP. That pundek ...

As we were browsing at all the rocks available at the jewellers, we were attended to by a salesgirl. Nice chick. Sadly, my buddy Black was more interested in chatting up with her than helping me pick out a rock. Real tibai.

Me: Excuse me, what's the difference between this ring and that ring?

Salesgirl started explaining ...

Black: Look at the size of it. Nice. Very nice. Big enough.

At that time, I was holding quite a huge rock and looked backed at Black, "fark! you think what? I print money ah? tibais. something more affordable lah"

Black: Huh? I say its big enough. Very fitting.

Me: Miss? Can I look at something smaller? More or less within my budget?

Salesgirl: How about this?

Me: Hmmmm....

Black: Check it out. When she leaned over its so big and nice.

Me: What da fark? Just now big. Now lean over big? Dei! Dis wan is smaller lah!

Black looked at me. I looked at him holding up the rock. He looked at the rock. He looked at the chick. Then he pulled me aside. "Farker! I wasn't talking about the ring lah. Look at her tits. Its so big and nice. Looks soft and bouncy too .."

Aaaaaaarrrrgggghhh!!! Can we concentrate on the mission at hand? I asked him. Ok Ok.

We went over the rings, the specs, the prices then we left. As we walked back to our car, I asked, you think the 4-claw setting was better or the 6-claw setting?

Black: The 5-claw is better.

Me: Fark. There's no 5-claw.

Black: Fark. You mutant or what? All of us has 5-claws.

Me: Waiiiiit-a-minute. What da fark are you talking about?

Black: Her tits lah. My hands got 5 claws. I think my hand and its five fingers can hold those big soft bouncy tits of hers. Damn good setting. Can cup her tits perfectly.

And dat tibai black was saying it using all his animated hand actions of cupping a breast as we were still walking to our car.

Me: Sighs.... I think I should've called someone else to help me out with this. I am sooooo doomed with your opinions.

Black: Hahahahaha

Jaws

I was swimming at the club the other day when I noticed this guy taking out this big folded plastic thingy from his bag. Then he took out a foot pump, inserted a tube connected from the pump into the plastic thingy and started pressing on the foot pedal, pumping air into the plastic thingy. I swam another lap and back and he was still pumping away. His son about 7 years old was standing next to him, watching intently at the plastic thingy. As more air got into it, I realised what it was. It was one of those float thingy (don't know what the fark you call it) but this one comes in the shape of a shark. I smiled to myself. Cool.

I swam another lap and rested. I am getting so friggin unfit. I rested by the side of the pool and continued to watch the dad and son pumping air into the shark float. Once completed, the boy grabbed the shark (kinda like a kid hugging this huge tree trunk), ran towards the kiddy pool, threw the shark in and he jumped in.

Next thing I know, I heard screams of fear from a little girl. I looked around. Fark. Don't tell me someone has drowned or drowning. I looked at the lifeguards. One of them was running towards the screams. From screams, it became hysterical crying. I got out of the pool and walked towards the kiddy pool.

Damn...., poor little girl was pointing at the shark and crying away. She must've watched too many shark movies. Poor girl. My first reaction was to laugh but had to really bite my tongue to keep myself from laughing out loud. Her dad was in the pool carrying her out and she was still crying and sobbing away. Her dad was telling her its fake and walked up to the shark and hit the shark with his hands but the girl screamed more!!! Haha. The kid with the shark looked really baffled by the girl and pulled the shark away from being beaten further. It was quite a funny sight. The boy shrugged and continued playing with the shark. The father of the boy walked up to the father of the little girl and he appeared to be apologising but the guy was either not listening or just wasn't interested in the apology.

I went back to my side of the pool. Swam a few more lazy laps and next thing I saw, the kid walked to the deck chair, took out his bag and took out another plastic thingy from his bag!!! Haha. His shark was still floating in the kiddy pool and some other kids seem to like it. He pestered his dad to pump air into the other float and he seemed to be telling him that he already has the shark in the pool. After more pestering, the foot pump was put to work again and guess what ... another shark. Haha. Now there's 2 sharks in the water. The little girl was no where to be found. The second shark was thrown into the kiddy pool and there were more screams. Not in fear but in delight. One kid was holding one shark by the tail and another kid was holding the other shark by the tail. Both were attempting a lightsaber duel with the sharks. Haha...