Sneeze

I was working yesterday in front of my pc when I felt like sneezing. Opening my mouth wide, I went ah.. ahhh.. ahhhh..sniff sniff. No sneeze. But my eyes got teary and my nose sniffled. Darn. Hate it when it does that. A few minutes later, I felt another sneeze coming. Ah... ahh... aaaahhh.... sniff sniff. Farks! Tibais. Again no sneeze.

Another few minutes later, same shit happened. Ah.. ahhh... aaaah... NOTHING. Looking back at my pc to see the last sentence I typed ...and suddenly, AAAAAHCHOOOO!!!! Damn... That felt good. I wiped my nose and smiled. Finally. A farking sneeze.

I looked at my pc again. OH FARK! I sneezed onto my monitor. There was splatter all over. But there was this huge green snot that went SPLAT! on the monitor and is now slowly oozing downwards. Fark. I grabbed a tissue and wiped it all off and continued working.

TODAY. I looked at my monitor. Man.... it has got all this stains on it. Spots everywhere. Farks. It looks like the milkyway, with the spots representing all the planets and stars. I used a tissue to wipe my monitor again. No use. The spots are still there. Farks. The big snot yesterday is like the sun in the middle of our solar system. I tried to wipe it off again and used a little bit of water on my tissue. It didn't work. I just created more planets and stars. TIU. TIU. TIU.

Half an hour later, I looked at the big snot. I used my fingernail and gently scratched it. Wow ... it actually came off. Damn snot dried up on my monitor. LOL!!!! I scratched off most of the dried up snot but just couldn't get rid of all the other spots on my monitor.

Anyone know how I can get rid of all those spots?

Oldies

This tibai fren of mine asked me to join him for drinks tonight after work. I was feeling kinda lazy but he told there would be chicks. Sighs ... ok. I'll go.

7.30 he called me. Where da fark are you. I replied, leaving office lah mah hai. 8.00. I called him, where da fark is this pub lah? He gave me directions and I walked into this pub in Taman Tun. I knew I walked into a time warp. Farks. The only youngest person in the pub were me and my friend and his friends. Four of us. Everyone else in the pub were in their 50s.

Farks! Even the bartender is older than my father. Old man with white hair. That's the bar tender. Then one of the "si-tau-poh" (lady boss) real short, stumpy and fat woman wearing tight jeans and a tight t-shirt showing her saggy papayas was damn foul mouthed with the customers. Ugh!

To make matters worse, they have some waitresses, old and ugly and fat too. And they were wearing tight tank tops and jeans. You can farking see their flabs sticking out like the michelin tyre man.

I love my beers but tonight, all I could have was ONE miserable MUG. I want to blog more about that foul mouthed si-tau-poh but I need to get some sick fat images out of my mind. I will definitely have nightmares tonight. I am gonna watch some porn. Hopefully I can sleep better ...

Welcome

This is all tibai Dave's fault. Very soon me blog will become a personal greeting blog site. Damn tibai betuih. All started because of the tibai Dave.

Anyways, Z & B just got their first born. Baby X. Born on 23 November 2005 11.45 am (Californian Time). Congrats to the happy and proud parents. And welcome to this world, Baby X.

Hmmmm.... not sure welcome would be a right word, not with all this war and fighting and terrorism around the world now. But Hey, Baby X will have a whole bunch of loonies as uncles for him. That should keep him happy. Heh Heh. Better yet, he will be the terrorist terrorising his parents. Hahaha.

Still dunno why my buddy named him X. Mebbe they were watching porno when he was conceived. HAHAHA.

Words of wisdom from Guru Lembu. Don't watch barney. Don't watch that telly tubbies thingy either.

Haha. Enjoy parenting.

Dave

To Tibai Dave,


HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

AH! Happy? Wish you already! Good enough or NOT? Kan ni nah! Or you want some more wishes? What else you want ah? Damn tibai dog fella you. Betuih betuih menyusahkan. LOL!!! Ok ok. I promised to be nice. Happy Birthday Dave. May you all your sick wishes and sick fantasies come true for today (TODAY ONLY AH!). May you get your ass cleaned using barney's long and fuzzy "tail" and may all you complete all the 1001 Kamasutra Positions tonight with 1001 women. Happy Birthday AGAIN! Tiu Nia Seng... HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Conference Chat

Conference chat ...

lembu: tibais
Sirlen: tibai tibai?
lembu: tibai to u too
lembu: where is ur ex lover
sirlen: yes yes tibai
sirlen: dunno he not responds?
lembu: nopes
lembu: tibai fella now tinking he can do magic alredi
lembu: so now must be busy trying to do his magic
lembu: wif d chickies in his office
sirlen: HAHAHAHA
sirlen: ROTFL
lembu: dis is my WAND!
lembu: its magic
lembu: rub it
lembu: n watch it extend
lembu: ROTFL
lembu: he will YELLS
lembu: COITUS INTERRUPTUS!!!!
lembu: n his wand shall shoot
lembu: magic liquid blinding the chickies
lembu: ROTFL
sirlen: hahahahahahah
lembu: sms dat tibai n ask him
lembu: wat da fark he is doing lah
lembu: whether he is sneezing now
sirlen: hahahaha
sirlen: dunno la must be busy "teaching" some new chick in his offuis
lembu: with his “wand”
lembu: ROTFL
dave has joined the conference.

dave: hello boys!
sirlen: ah yo is here
sirlen: what was it again? coitus interruptus?
lembu: ROTFL
dave: huh?
dave: wat talking u

after lembu copied and pasted conversation

dave: when did this conversation takes place
dave: tibai farkers
lembu: ROTFL
sirlen: only just
sirlen: when you ffk us and dont want to join
dave: farker
dave: farking bastard
dave: tibai farkers
lembu: ROTFL

The Notice

I was walking along the streets the other day with my other half when something caught my attention. I walked by this lamp post and a notice stuck on it really caught my eye. I've actually walked past the lamp post and I had to take about two steps back to look at the notice again. My other half was curious as to what caught my attention and she stood in front and didnt bother to back track. Reading the notice, I couldn't stop laughing. There I was, laughing like a hysterical hyena. My other half wondered what was so funny and walked back to take a look at the notice and she too, started giggling. We stood there and laughed so much some cars passing by actually slowed down to look at these two mad cows laughing hysterically by the road side. We did manage to cause the traffic to slow down and back up. Good thing we had a camera ...

Haha. Well, I am not going to advertise for him on my blogsite. But if you guys want his number, drop me a comment with your email address. I will negotiate with him for a small commission first. LOL!!!

Oh Shit

Sighs ... I somehow managed to pull off another embarassing boo boo yesterday. Damn kan ni neh.

My colleague, Kev and I were talking about getting pole dancers and he offered to get the pimp's phone numbers. 10 minutes later as I walking by the reception area of my office, there was a guy with his back turned towards me. He was half bending over with elbows on a low cabinet and flipping over the yellow pages. Seeing that, I laughed and said, "Oi Kev! There are no pimp phone numbers in the yellow pages lah!!! hahahaha!!!"

And with that, the person turned his head around slowly and the eyes looked above the glasses that he was wearing ... it was my BOSS!!!! I gasped ... OH SHIT!!!

Boss: I looked like Kev meh?

Me: Errr ... Haha. From the back lah!

Boss: Really?

Me: Haha .. yah yah. some more i color blind. i think you guys are wearing the same color pants. besides, you guys have the same kind of ass. hahaha

Boss: huh? i think he was wearing gray pants and i am wearing brown pants ..

Me: errrr... never mind. hahaha what are you looking for?

Boss: definitely not pimp phone numbers ...

Me: oh yeah, definitely ..

I walked away quickly muttering oh shit oh shit oh shit. I think there goes my bonus ...

The Toilet

Check out today's papers. Can you imagine 44% out of 5,409 Malaysians preferred to shag in the toilet? Farks. I thought it would have been some other places like the office conference room or in a jacuzzi or something like that BUT a toilet???!!! Sheesh ... I guess some people's fetish must have really gone off tangent.

Why toilet? Its cold. Its hard. Ok .. it's clean only if its a personal toilet at home or a toilet in a hotel. I can't imagine someone shagging in a public toilet or an office toilet. Ewwwwwww ... I mean, come on .. you guys remember how your school toilet looks and smells like? Farks. The dried up shit in the toilet is even harder than dried cement. And the kind of shit you find in the public toilets and school toilets ... its traumatic enough for anyone but somehow, I guess some people found strength in their lust to forget the traumatic experience they had in public toilets and school toilets to shag in the toilet of their choice.

I don't know about you guys but when I go into toilet, I piss or I shit. Or I do both, piss and shit. Memories of clogged toilets and overflowing toilets are all enough to stop any erection that I might get. But then again, if amber or jolie is already bending over with one leg up on the covered toilet bowl ... hell yeah, I will just shut off all memories of my shit and give her the shag of her life.

Speaking of shag, how many positions can you do in a toilet cubicle? Last I checked the manual on kamasutra, there weren't many positions you can do in a toilet. I suppose you have to put the cover down and sit on it. Can't imagine you sitting on your throne shagging and shitting at the same time. It would be frigginly funny if you slip and have your foot stuck in the toilet bowl. LOL!!!!! And what about shagging and accidentally pushing the flushing lever all the time. It would be shag, flush! shag, flush! LOL!!! And don't forget, some of our toilets are the cangkung (squatting) type. If you have your foot stuck in there ... you will have our Bomba and the TV crew with edisi siasat filming your rescue! LOL!!!!

But yeah, sexual tryst is something which even shit cannot have control over. I do know of a buddy of mine who got shagged in the office toilet. His manager whom he was banging was so horny that she dragged him into the ladies toilet to bang her. But, I'll blog about it another time.

=)

Belated Happy Deepavali and Selamat Hari Raya

Hello Hello!!!

Sorry for the long silence. Been busy shagging during the holidays. LOL!!!! Just want to wish everyone ..

Happy Deepavali and Selamat Hari Raya.

Insanely alwz,

lembugila =)