Cibai Bin

I can't really remember how the topic of conversation started. But it revolved around looks. And since my colleagues were bitching about it, I kinda joined and said, hey, you know ... some of this faces are damn cibai bin. You know the type of face when you look at it, it just makes you angry and wanna bitch slap that face?

And they went, yah yah, those very "hak yan chang" (really hated) kinda face.

And this colleague of mine then said, yah, like when I first joined the company and I saw your (my) face, I thought to myself, damn "hak yan chang" face"

Hahahahahaha everyone laughed. Okay ... that's one against me.

Well, my friend, if my face is damn "hak yan chang" you can't be better off than me"

Why not? she asked.

You see, logically ... if you have a at least a pleasant looking face ... you would not have remained single until now ... which is what? 44 years old. That's really old to be still be single.

She stormed off. Everyone cussed me after that saying I was mean and insensitive and refused to joke with me after that. Look, all you tibais, if you can't take it, then don't give it. You get what you give. And instead, you wanna blame me. Farrrrrrk!

Cleo's Most Eligible Bachelor

My colleagues came into my room today, holding Cleo’s magazine, the one with the 50 most eligible bachelors and asked, hey … imagine you are one of the bachelors and you must answer these questions ….

Q: I’m truly inspired by …?

A: Adolf Hitler. He convinced 1 country to go against the whole farking world.

Q: A female ritual that totally mystifies me?

A: PMS or Shopping. Next question please …

Q: If your life were a movie, what would it be called?

A: Lifestyle of a Pornstar

Q: What do you wish woman knew about you?

A: My big dick and how I can satisfy them the whole night long…

Q: I know she’s special when …

A: she swallows …

Q: Have you ever been in love?

A:of course. You think I what? Loser meh? Tiu nia seng ….

My colleagues then told me that with answers like that, no girl is going to vote for me, if I ever make it into the 50 most eligible bachelor list lah.

My response? "Pei kat chat tiu lah lei" (translation: you go let cockcroach fark). Kan ni na ...

6769

Black recently changed his car and his number plate was 6769. Knowing Black, we thought he chose the damn numbers on purpose. For those of you in the dark, in cantonese, 67 means dick or cock. 69 also means dick or cock. Therefore, we actually thought Black chose the numbers as a sign of his "studliness". Over dinner at Black's house ...

Me: Fark, what kind of cock number is that?

Wor Siong: Hey, memang cock number wat ... 6769 hahahaha

Me: ey black, wat da fark ... u choose wan is it?

Black: farking NO!

Cicak: hahahaha ... don't tell me u so farking bad luck you kena dat number ...

Black: Nolah. I wanted some numbers. So I used a runner to go to JPJ (Road Transport Department) to get the numbers. Everytime I give him one number to get, that cibai will call back half an hour later and say don't have. And this farking thing went on for 2 days. Every farking number I gave him, he calls back and say don't have.

Me: Then? How you get 6769?

Black: Finally, the last number I gave him, again, he called back and said don't have. So he asked, how? I was so farking angry already I just said, Tiu! 6769 lah. Runner asked me you seriouskah? And I just said fark lah. Whatever lah.

Mah hai half an hour later he calls back, Sir, I got the number for you already. And I asked him what number? He said 6769 lah. TIU LOHHHHHHH................

Ah Beng Director

Last Friday, I had to work late. My client, a Taiwanese flew into KL on Thursday and needed an agreement drawn up by Friday to be signed between my Taiwanese client and his partner in KL. Appointment was fixed at 1600 hours but was told that the local partner was rushing down from Penang and will be late. Told me to wait for them and they should be at my office by 1800 – 1830 hours. Fark. Friday night and I have to stay back. Tiu nia seng!

1830 hours came. Still no show. I called them and they said they are on their way. Half an hour came. 1900 hours. Still no show. Tiu nia ma … I called them. Again they said half an hour. Fark Fark Fark!

They arrived at 1945 hours. There was Taiwanese client, a friend and the local partner. Local partner was a chubby kinda fella and to my fury and anger, they didn’t even apologise for being late. Instead, I heard the fatty said, “mushloom!”

Huh?

Fatty looked at me again in an annoyed manner said, “mushloom where?”

I was already damn farking angry and trying to hide my anger, huh?

Fatty said, “TOILET! TOILET!”

Fark. Washroom is it? Mah hai. Nevermind. Maybe its my bad hearing. Maybe his pencil dick can’t hold it anymore. Hence affected his speech.

During the meeting, all conversations was in Mandarin. Good thing my boss speaks Mandarin. Farking fatty was being an ass. Said he don’t know how to look at agreement. Agreement knows how to look at him. So my boss patiently explained to him. But during the whole meeting, farker was shaking his legs, looking as if he is not paying attention to the explanation. I felt like bitch slapping his cibai bin. Real cunt face. You know, those face where you just can’t tahan but to punch and slap to your heart’s content? Yeah, that kind of face.

Anyway, halfway through the meeting, fatty gave me his name card. Fui-yoh! Member is Executive Director of a public listed company. But farker damn ah beng ler. Even his "roleks" also gold colored wan leh ...

Finally, towards the end of meeting and after showing our invoice, Fatty suddenly said, “ey, the fish can give a bit discount ah?”

Fish? What da fark is dis tiu nia seng ah beng talking about? My boss turned to me with a quizzical look on his face. Damn, that means he heard the same thing. This time I am sure there is nothing wrong with my hearing.

I asked, errrr … sorry?

Fatty, “the fish lah. Give some discount”

And I went, huh?

Fatty, “aiyo, your legal fish very high lah. Give lah some discount”

Tiuuuuuuuuuuuuu ….. farker meant fees. Legal fees. Mah cibai hor lang kan. Executive Director don’t even know how to say fees. Calls it fish instead. Fark!

Moral of the story, you can farking fail your english in spm and still be an executive director for a public listed company as long as you make tons of money.

Diet

I have a friend who shares a common friend with me. It was funny how I found out about that. That woman was so horny and desperate, asked me to recommend someone rich and good looking to her. I said the rich tibai I know of was a dentist but already has a girlfriend. And she went, hey, I know of a dentist going out with my friend. And she described her friend which turned out to be Cicak's other half. Damn. What a small world.

Recently, for Cicak's wedding, Cicak asked me to pass the wedding invite to her. When I passed it to her, she was really excited like a kid. What da fark is with the excitement? It's not like she is the one getting married.

Anyway, Cicak gave her the invite about 3 weeks before the wedding. Now, this tibai woman, was one fat blimp. She was a slim chick before. Dunno what happened. Her ass grew so farking big, it would take two bar stools to accomodate her. Not just her ass, her thighs are like the size of an elephant's foot! So big, that she has to walk kangkang. She walk's like a duck. Waddling away. I don't think it's a sexy walk even though with the waddling, her ass seems to be moving from left to right. But despite that, she is one party chick. Drinks so much can knock down an elephant.

After she got the invite, from orgasmic excitement, she suddenly became sad and depressed. Just like that. It was like a jekyl and hyde thing. Her mood changed with a snap of the finger. I asked her, what da fark? Oh, she said she doesn't have anything to wear. Her only dress which is also her favorite won't fit her anymore. She has this favorite sexy black dress that she wears to functions and occassions like this. Start dieting you fat blimp!

One week later, she was trying harder to diet more. She was still as fat as ever with so much lard that can solve the oil crisis the world is facing. Hehe. She's fat but not that fat anyway. She skipped breakfast and for lunch, just eats salad or fruits. But by 4pm, she would complain she is feeling woozy and going to faint and started eating crap like junk food, goreng pisang or spring rolls. For dinner, she eats so much rice, I can eat that portion for 3 meals!.Two weeks later, she was still as fat and complaint that the diet was not working. Dumb fark!

Look, why can't you just buy another farking dress? And the answer was, no-lar, even with new dress, I still want to look good-mah. Sheesh. Lady, if you look like Goodyear zeppelin and waddles like a duck and with one more week to go, you might as well try plastic surgery or liposuction!

Rules

I actually received this from my girlfriend, K via email. Don't know who is the author to this but kudos man. If my girlfriend sent me this, does this mean that she's ok with the rules? :P

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the fules from the male side. These are our rules : (PLEASE NOTE ... THESE ARE ALL NUMBERED "1" ON PURPOSE!)

1. Breasts are for looking at and that is why we do it. Don't try to change that.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Saturday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:

- Subtle hints DO NOT WORK!

- Strong hints DO NOT WORK!

- Obvious hints DO NOT WORK!

- JUST SAY IT!

1. "YES" and "NO" are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. Go see a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. All men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach for an example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. WE DO THAT.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing", we will act like nothing is wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine, Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as sex, sports or cars.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.

Cock System

I had to attend a seminar today in town. Venue of seminar was at Leboh Pasar Besar, some where which it is difficult to find parking and if you park for a day, its gonna cost me. So I decided to park my car elsewhere and take the LRT (Lembu Rela Terbang) (kidding ... Light Rail Transit).

I drove my car to my old neighborhood. PJ State. You guys remember where the Kaji Cuaca and JPJ is? Well, I drove my car there and was hoping I can find a place to park. I reached there at 0700 hours and was glad that there was still a couple of parking lots still empty. I parked my car at a spot which is like 10 feet away from the small gate to the LRT Station. Overlooking the hill, I can see A&W. I then came out of my car looking for the parking coupon's vending machine. I could not see one. Tibai MPPJ. Must've installed it further down the road.

I walked further down. Still no vending machine. Mah Hai! I walked further until I reach the junction at the main road. I could see Stan Chart from where I was standing. Still no farking vending machine. The only vending machine I could see was opposite the road, near Poh Kong. Fark! There must be at least 30 parking lots at this street and not one parking vending machine. What kind of cock parking system is this? If I cross the road, I either get caught for jay walking or get flattened by a kancil or something. And you want me to farking use a pedestrian bridge so that I can buy a parking coupon? If you want someone to pay for parking, you better farking supply more vending machines! Farrrrrk. I walked back to my car.

After the seminar, I came back and found my car full of bird crap. Really kena sai. Not only my car, the other cars nearby suffered the same fate. I had about 5 crap spots on my windshield. 3 crap spots on the roof of my car. Another car got so much crap, it looks like those snow wash thingy at the car wash. Tibai Birds. Must be having cirit-birit and "lau sai" (diarrhoea).

I checked my car for tickets. No tickets. I suppose its a free parking zone because of all the bird craps. Yeah ... maybe that's why MPPJ don't have parking coupon vending machines installed here. Already damn a lot of bird shit. Not fair to add anymore shit here.