Business Class

Don’t diss me on this shit. But yes, I have never flown business class before. And yes, by blogging this, I really sound like a suah-ku (“mountain tortoise”) or a damn katak (“frog”) (why frog? Its from the malay proverb, katak di bawah tempurung literally means frog under coconut husk).

Tomorrow I board a flight to Kuching. Business class. Have a couple of meetings to attend in Kuching. I am grateful to my boss for having engineered this. Even if it means that I will be lugging most of the documents and equipments along.

I was pretty cool about the flight until my boss told me, ey Lembu. See you at the Business Class lounge okay? And don’t waste the business class privileges!

Lounge? Privileges? What da fark? What lounge? What privileges??!!!

Before I make a fool out of myself, I have to do some homework. I IMed some of my machas and this is what I found out …

There is a lounge for business class passengers to wait instead of lazing outside the gates like a bunch of kutus (ticks) and ah bengs (ah bengs) in Sg Wang. There’s plenty of food. So breakfast is taken care of. And the chicks, the chicks are simply gorgeous. But the best news I heard was … ‘FREE ALCOHOL’. Heavenly. Just heavenly. But reality check. My boss is flying with me. And my client too. Fark. But then again, don’t think a couple of shots of vodka would do any harm …

Black Ants

Three of us were walking along Bangsar after a night of heavy drinking when out of the blue, Black asked …

Black: ey farkers, you all want to know how to increase your sperm or not?!!!

Me & Wor Siong: Wat da fark?!

Black: no seriously, I found out this method that will increase your sperm.

Me & Wor Siong: LOL. Farker, you’re pissed drunk

Black: no lah. Imagine when you come over her face, you farking cover her whole face with your sperm! Imagine that!!!! That’s what I call FACIAL!!!!!

Me: wow, now you got me interested…

Black: And imagine, there is so much sperm, her pussy oso not enough to contain them!

Wor Siong: LOL

Me: so what’s the farking secret?

Black: Black Ants!

Wor Siong: Wat da fark?!

Black: No. Seriously. I learned this from this 65 year old golfer who is still farking away like a rabbit to his mistress. Its true!

Me: Tibai. How you know its true? You tried? LOL

Black: tsk! I know lah.

Wor Siong: Black ants! LOL

Black: And not just any black ants. You must go get those big black mutha farkers. And you can buy them in packets! All dried up and crunchy.

Wor Siong: Fark. Buy from where lah? 7-11 got sell?

Black: Nooooo…. You get these kind of stuff from Cambodia or Vietnam … You should tell your wife. Maybe she might cook black ants soup for you.

Wor Siong: Fark. I just came back from Cambodia. Don’t see farking black ants there. Dried and crunchy spiders got lah. Big mutha farking spiders too.

Me: fark. How to get lah the black ants. Ey, mebbe we can try the smaller black ants running all over our house. LOL

Black: YAH! And imagine Wor Siong’s wife trying to make him eat more of those.

Me: LOL. She’ll sprinkle them onto Wor Siong’s porridge and tell him its black sesame seeds! LOL

Black: and the next time he comes, he’ll have a farking shock. He’ll think his paip bocor!!!

LOL!!!!!

Secretary Wanted

My friend, a managing director of a prominent, high growth and high networth company is looking for a secretary and has asked me to help him look for one. I agreed provided that I get to interview his secretary.

I am now advertising on his behalf …

PERSONAL ASSISTANT CUM SECRETARY WANTED

PHYSICAL REQUIREMENTS

Only 100% natural female within the age group of 20 - 28 can apply. Females with long straight hair, height between 160cm – 170cm with tight bodies are encouraged to apply. Tight bodies are essential as MD may sometimes require applicant to work in cramp environment such as under the desk. Body statistics of applicant should be at least 36-24-36 with a minimum of size DD cup. Physical appearance must be at the very least presentable. Anything below “hot looking babe” is considered not presentable.

WORKING ATTIRE

Willingless to wear tight thin shirts with top two buttons unbuttoned and short mini skirts will be highly advantageous. Applicant will also be required to wear stiletto shoes at work. Upon hiring, allowance will be given for purchase of matching lacy lingerie to go with required attire. Garters and thongs will also be required.

CHARACTER REQUIREMENTS

Able to work under pressure. Has initiative on MD’s needs and able to satisfy MD's whims and fancies. Working alone during late hours in MD’s room is occasionally required depending on MD’s needs and wants. MD might also require applicant to work at either applicant’s home or MD’s home. Job would also require traveling accompanying MD outstation or out of country. Because of the high and attractive remuneration package given to applicant, whenever traveling with MD, there will not be separate rooms so as to save costs.

SKILLS

Good Oral skills are required. Ability to multi-task and work in different positions would be an added advantage. Able to take dicktation effortlessly. Tossing salad would be a bonus skill. Training will also be provided by the MD's representatives.

JOB PROSPECTS

Good career advancement subject to your performance to the MD’s satisfaction.

To apply, please send full body color photo with front and side profile (preferably naked so as to enable MD to decide on attire for applicant) together with cell-phone number and home address (applicant must live alone). Please remember to send also used panties for sniffing. Certificates of competency are not required. Your orals skills and other competency skills will be tested by the MD’s representatives.



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