come smell my shit

I was once an instructor at a camp and though I was not knighted, they kept calling me sir! Why an instructor? I love outdoors. I love to camp, hike etc etc. And from these camps and hikes, I encountered a lot of funny incidents which will be the subject of my blogs. Anyway, I better get straight to the point. A guy had gastric pains came running to me and said, "Sir, sir ... i got gastric"

Me: "so? my problem?"

Guy (holding stomach): "no... but I have actal"

Me: "ar but then?"

Guy: "ok, i go take"

5 minutes later ... guy comes running back

And I thought to myself, "wow, damn thing actually works ... either that, he doesn't know what to do with the actal, maybe I'll tell him to shove it up his ass" *snigger, snigger, snigger*

Guy: "sir! sir!"

Me: "what?"

Guy: "errrr... I drank kerosene"

Me (eyes wide opened): ????? what da????? how the hell did you do that? i mean, kerosene bottle labled "actal" is it?

Guy showed me the kerosene bottle. It was one of those 1.25l transparent bottle, not labled, not marked ... I opened it and phew!

Guy: "I put actal into my mouth and took bottle, opened it and drank ..."

Me (slapping my hand on my forehead): "can't you smell it? what the hell is wrong with your nose? how much did you drink?"

Guy: "errrr... a lot..."

Me: "wouldn't you like spit it out the moment it reaches your mouth?"

Guy: "errr... no... after I drank it only I realised it was kerosene"

Me: "ok, lets get you to a clinic ..."

That night as Guy was sleeping in his tent, I brought my fellow instructors to see him. We asked him whether he was alright and he just rolled over, gave us the thumbs up, said "I'm ok sir" and right after that, he barfed right in front of all of us.

ha ha ha ha ha (yup, we laughed. just can't help it. it was really funny when he barfed)

next day, in the evening, Guy and a couple of his friends were taking their bath and Guy was taking a dump. I was there to take my bath as well when Guy came out of his cubicle and said, "hey, everyone ... guess what? come smell my shit ... got kerosene smell..."

Me: ????? (he can't freaking smell the kerosene when he opened the kerosene bottle and drank and he can now smell his own shit ... wonder how freaking close he got to his shit to smell it ... or maybe he dipped his finger into it and brought it to his nose to sniff it).

His friends started to verbally abuse him, "what the fuck??!! who the fuck wants to smell your shit??!! what the hell is wrong with you?"

Guy:, "no, really, got kerosene smell ..."

One of this friends decided to be smart ... got a match from his pouch, lighted it and threw it into the shit .... "PIFFFFFFFF..........."

ha ha ha ha ha

What was he expecting? "BOOM!?"

A few years later ... Guy's younger brother joined the camp.

Me: "so, how do you tell the difference between water and kerosene?"

Guy's Brother: "taste it, Sir!"

????? sigh .... here we go again .... "Can somebody mark the damn kerosene bottles!!!!"

Recipe for success

A friend of mine recently announced that he has just quit his job and is planning to open up a restaurant. Actually he didn't really announced it. Another friend of mine, during dinner just stood up and was looking for an excuse for a toast just said, 'hey guys, cheers to Dre for opening up a restaurant'.

The reaction to this was the usual "yam seng" and "down it you wuss" and after the toast, it was back to some serious conversation. Some congratulated Dre, "you da man", "where's da restaurant", "wat kind of restaurant". Some sounded skeptical. You can tell when they said, "wah, you've got balls man to quit your job just to open up a restaurant".

Anyway, Dre just replied that its not really a restaurant but a cafe, serves alcohol (that's the word that all of us wanted to hear) and food.

"But what's the theme? Do you have a theme?" I asked. I thought that it was a good question. A very intellectual question coming out from my mouth even after so much drinks. Dre did not have a chance to answer yet ...

Han: "You know, in order to be a good restaurant, you need to have good food. Great food. Then the people will keep coming back"

Me: "Yah, but what's the theme?"

Cicak: "No lar, you need to have damn good settings, interior designs, decoration. The ambience is very important. That's the reason people will come back"

Me: "yah, but what's the farking theme?"

Han: "You dick. Who the fark will go to a restaurant when the food is not good? you goin to farking eat the decoration is it? you go to a restaurant is to eat! if you want to look at decorations, go to a farking art gallery!"

Cicak: "Can you let me finish? Don't ejaculate prematurely! What I am saying it, yes, decoration is important. But at the same time, you must serve good food too. How can you eat good food when your surrounding is like shit? Can you farking eat in a toilet? No right? So, that's what I am saying"

Me: "ok, but what kind of food are you going to serve?"

Han: "I still say you need good food. Period."

Wor Siong: "screw you all with the food and the decoration. I say you must have beers. Loads of it. Farking loads of it"

Dre: "for sure, for sure"

Wor Siong: "and alcohol. farking loads of it too"

Keling Zhai: "fark u all. you guys don't know what is a real crowd puller"

Cicak: "and what is tat?"

Keling Zhai: "you need women. hot looking women. hot looking women in skimpy clothing. you need scantily clad waitresses, you need them for PR work. you need them to just stand around. thats how you get people to come back"

Dre: "errrr, its a cafe. not a karaoke joint"

Keling Zhai: "no, seriously, get these women. we will help you with the interviews, ha ha ha ha" "you can get different nationality wan oso.... shanghai, vietnamese, mat salleh"

Me: "dei!, you pimping or wat?"

ha ha ha ha ha

Me: "hey, why not we have a business collaboration? Downstairs is cafe with all the hot chicks. Upstairs we open a "bed & breakfast" lar?"

ha ha ha ha ha

Keling Zhai: "yah, yah good idea" "so when we interviewing your waitresses?"

Cicak: "fark lar u guys, from a cafe its becoming a "kai-tau" (literal translation = chicken den)"

Dre: "errr guys, no worries. all the plans have been set. and there is already a budget hotel nearby my cafe"

Me: "damn!"

Anyway, Dre, wish you all the best with your cafe.

Names

Anyone ever wondered what the average joe next to you has in the address book of his (or hers) in their cell phones? well, i hav. always wondered what kind of names they wud hav in their cell phones. scrolling down my address book, tis are the cool names that i hav :-

Ah Lan

Ah Lian

Baboon

Bai

Best

Black

Bulat

Cat

Chew Runner (can't even remember who da fark this is!)

Chiao Chiao

Cibai Bin

Cicak

DOM (stands for dirty old man)

Don't farking answer

Hailam

Horse Face

Jerk

Lam Pah Ong

Malau

Mechanic

Sexy

Short Fart

T2

Towtruck

Tua Lam Pah

Turtle

Wor Siong

Z

As for my name, LembuGila? Why lembugila? Don't really know why. Went thru a lot of nicknames while playing warcraft with my friends and eventually got stuck with that name. And getting stuck with that nickname doesn't mean i love cows. I don't eat beef. Its strictly a religious thingy. But every damn time i refuse to eat beef, some idiot would ask, y-ah? Cos I love cows! ok? happy? satisfied? Little did i know that cock answer wud get me into more trouble. My entire office ppl really really thought that I love cows. I use a mug wit a picture of a cow on it and that made things worse! How? Last freaking christmas, the whole farking office gave me cow gifts! Cow mugs. Cow towels. Cow paper weight. Cow soft toy. Only farking thing they din give me was a cow underwear. My whole freaking room looks like a cow ranch right now! By the way, how do you sell things on eBay?

New to this

Amazing what the internet and technology has done. Been quite a "suah-ku" (mountain tortoise) and never knew what's a blog til recently a friend recommended them to me. Cool stuff. Then I told some friends of these blogs and, yup, I got some encouragement to blog.

My first blog: I just don't know wat to say. As I was creating an account here, I was thinking hard what to call my blogs. I was never a creative person. So, just what the hell made me do this? Come to think of it, Lembu's Blogs don't really sound right. Sounds more like Lembu's Bollocks to me rite now.

Damn, how do you change the blog title now????