Diet

I have a friend who shares a common friend with me. It was funny how I found out about that. That woman was so horny and desperate, asked me to recommend someone rich and good looking to her. I said the rich tibai I know of was a dentist but already has a girlfriend. And she went, hey, I know of a dentist going out with my friend. And she described her friend which turned out to be Cicak's other half. Damn. What a small world.

Recently, for Cicak's wedding, Cicak asked me to pass the wedding invite to her. When I passed it to her, she was really excited like a kid. What da fark is with the excitement? It's not like she is the one getting married.

Anyway, Cicak gave her the invite about 3 weeks before the wedding. Now, this tibai woman, was one fat blimp. She was a slim chick before. Dunno what happened. Her ass grew so farking big, it would take two bar stools to accomodate her. Not just her ass, her thighs are like the size of an elephant's foot! So big, that she has to walk kangkang. She walk's like a duck. Waddling away. I don't think it's a sexy walk even though with the waddling, her ass seems to be moving from left to right. But despite that, she is one party chick. Drinks so much can knock down an elephant.

After she got the invite, from orgasmic excitement, she suddenly became sad and depressed. Just like that. It was like a jekyl and hyde thing. Her mood changed with a snap of the finger. I asked her, what da fark? Oh, she said she doesn't have anything to wear. Her only dress which is also her favorite won't fit her anymore. She has this favorite sexy black dress that she wears to functions and occassions like this. Start dieting you fat blimp!

One week later, she was trying harder to diet more. She was still as fat as ever with so much lard that can solve the oil crisis the world is facing. Hehe. She's fat but not that fat anyway. She skipped breakfast and for lunch, just eats salad or fruits. But by 4pm, she would complain she is feeling woozy and going to faint and started eating crap like junk food, goreng pisang or spring rolls. For dinner, she eats so much rice, I can eat that portion for 3 meals!.Two weeks later, she was still as fat and complaint that the diet was not working. Dumb fark!

Look, why can't you just buy another farking dress? And the answer was, no-lar, even with new dress, I still want to look good-mah. Sheesh. Lady, if you look like Goodyear zeppelin and waddles like a duck and with one more week to go, you might as well try plastic surgery or liposuction!

Rules

I actually received this from my girlfriend, K via email. Don't know who is the author to this but kudos man. If my girlfriend sent me this, does this mean that she's ok with the rules? :P

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the fules from the male side. These are our rules : (PLEASE NOTE ... THESE ARE ALL NUMBERED "1" ON PURPOSE!)

1. Breasts are for looking at and that is why we do it. Don't try to change that.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Saturday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:

- Subtle hints DO NOT WORK!

- Strong hints DO NOT WORK!

- Obvious hints DO NOT WORK!

- JUST SAY IT!

1. "YES" and "NO" are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. Go see a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. All men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach for an example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. WE DO THAT.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing", we will act like nothing is wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine, Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as sex, sports or cars.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.

Cock System

I had to attend a seminar today in town. Venue of seminar was at Leboh Pasar Besar, some where which it is difficult to find parking and if you park for a day, its gonna cost me. So I decided to park my car elsewhere and take the LRT (Lembu Rela Terbang) (kidding ... Light Rail Transit).

I drove my car to my old neighborhood. PJ State. You guys remember where the Kaji Cuaca and JPJ is? Well, I drove my car there and was hoping I can find a place to park. I reached there at 0700 hours and was glad that there was still a couple of parking lots still empty. I parked my car at a spot which is like 10 feet away from the small gate to the LRT Station. Overlooking the hill, I can see A&W. I then came out of my car looking for the parking coupon's vending machine. I could not see one. Tibai MPPJ. Must've installed it further down the road.

I walked further down. Still no vending machine. Mah Hai! I walked further until I reach the junction at the main road. I could see Stan Chart from where I was standing. Still no farking vending machine. The only vending machine I could see was opposite the road, near Poh Kong. Fark! There must be at least 30 parking lots at this street and not one parking vending machine. What kind of cock parking system is this? If I cross the road, I either get caught for jay walking or get flattened by a kancil or something. And you want me to farking use a pedestrian bridge so that I can buy a parking coupon? If you want someone to pay for parking, you better farking supply more vending machines! Farrrrrk. I walked back to my car.

After the seminar, I came back and found my car full of bird crap. Really kena sai. Not only my car, the other cars nearby suffered the same fate. I had about 5 crap spots on my windshield. 3 crap spots on the roof of my car. Another car got so much crap, it looks like those snow wash thingy at the car wash. Tibai Birds. Must be having cirit-birit and "lau sai" (diarrhoea).

I checked my car for tickets. No tickets. I suppose its a free parking zone because of all the bird craps. Yeah ... maybe that's why MPPJ don't have parking coupon vending machines installed here. Already damn a lot of bird shit. Not fair to add anymore shit here.