Oink!

I went to have my lunch today with some of my buddies at this restaurant that serves penang hawker dishes but has a huge HALAL sign board on the outside.

After we have all sat down and the menu was given to us, we each ordered what we wanted to eat. The typical curry laksa, fried kuey teow, assam laksa etc

10 minutes later we were busy stuffing our mouths with food when this group of women just sat down at the table next to us and after the waiter gave them the menu, you can hear them mumbling and talking and laughing over what to order. All of a sudden, one of the chicks got angry. She said, “What is this?!!! I thought they say halal?!!!”

Then her friends looked at the menu and said, “Yah hor .. why like that?! So terrible” And with that, they went on complaining and became agitated and started waving wildly to the nearest waiter.

Curious on what’s happening especially with all the commotion, my buddies and I decided to be kepoh a bit and decided to keep a close watch on what was happening and at the same time, still digging into our assam laksa and kuey teow.

After a few more frantic waves, a waiter came.

Women: Excuse me? I thought this was a halal restaurant?

Waiter: Yes it is. Would you like to order now?

Women: Hello? Look at your menu!!! How can you say its halal?

We started looking at the menu. My buddies’ mouth were full of fried kuey teow and I was still busy slurping in the assam laksa noodles. Which dish got pork lah? We wondered …

Waiter: Huh? I’m sorry but I don’t understand …

Women: Look here! On the menu! It says “Pork Free”. Why are you giving out free pork and still say you are a halal restaurant!

Sadly, that statement evoked an eruption of uncontrollable and maniacal laughter from me and my buddies. A mouthful of fried kuey teow was spewed out onto one of my buddies’ shirt. Another guy choked on his curry laksa. Had curry laksa stains all over his shirt. I suffered the worse fate of all. Unable to control my laughter, I choked on my assam laksa noodle and had a small piece of the stupid noodle lodged in my nostril. All I can say is, it wasn’t a good experience. Could feel the spices of the assam laksa burn my nostril. Damn hai lat! Bet you guys that it even burnt my sinus off. Damn tibai. I had to blow my nose to dislodge the damn noodle and was still laughing at the same time. What a feat! And the damn noodle landed back into my assam laksa bowl. Damn!!!

The women looked at us in total disgust. Our behaviour was totally unacceptable. Hooligans! Crude. But kudos to the waiter. He coolly said, “Erm, Pork Free means the food here is free of pork” which could only provoke more laughter from us and looks of embarrassment for the women. They didn’t bother ordering their food anymore. Stood up and stepped out and stormed away. The waiter looked at us and howled in laughter after that. And for my suffering with the assam laksa noodle in my nose, I got a free bowl of ice kacang. =)

Chicken Pox

A macha of mine kena chicken pox recently and that brought back some good memories. I was in high school and shared the same room with my brother. Our older brother kena chicken pox earlier and both of us cursed and sweared at him and avoided him as much as we could. A couple of days later, when we both woke up for school and changed into our school uniforms in our room …

I have just taken off my shirt and was about to put on the school uniform …

Bro: Oi! What’s that on your back?!

Me: What? Can’t see lah farker. What’s that?

My bro stepped closer and stared at it …

Bro: LOL!!!! You kena already!!! LOL!!!!

I rushed to the mirror and to my horror, I see some blisters on my back. Fark! Fark! Fark! My bro was still laughing and as he removed his shirt ..

Me: Ey pundek. You don’t laugh. You also got.

Bro: Tiuuuuuuuuuu ….

3 hours later, we were both in a clinic waiting for our turn. Damn clinic was packed with people with all kinds of sickness. There were also some pundeks who went there for medical check up ..

Me: Ey, whose one more serious? Yours or mine?

Bro: How the fark I know lah?

Me: Erm … maybe we count and see how many blisters we have. The one with most blisters mean more seriouslah!

Bro: Ok Ok

To the horror of the other patients and people sitting around us, we started counting aloud. When it came to the blisters on our back, we pulled up our shirt and let the other count … 24, 25, 26 … wah lan! Damn a lot of blisters on your back man!!! (We could see the other people start sitting further away from us) Heh Heh

Bro: ey, private part one counted ah?

Me: Wah lan! There also you kena ah?

Bro: Wonder if I can still kencing or not … heh heh

A minute later…

Bro: Oi! Too many to count lah. See who has the biggest blister?

Me: Hmmmmm…. Ok!

We started showing each other the blisters we think it’s the biggest. The clinic nurse came over and asked us to speak softly and not disturb the other patients. Bitch even asked us to sit further away from the other patients. Fark!

Me: Ey, what do you think is inside the blisters ah? Looks like water only …

Bro: Dei, people ask us to keep quiet lah .. OW!!!!! WHAT DA FA???????!!!!! (I just burst a blister of his …)

Me: Pain ah?

Bro: Farker! I burst your blister and see!

Me: See .. its just like water (I was rubbing the liquid in between my fingers)

All the other patients looked at us with assortment of expressions. Disgust. Anger. Irritated. Heh Heh.

Seeing their stupid expressions, I then went for the kill. “I wonder if it has any taste?” And with that, I put my index finger to my tongue and tasted the liquid … That finally settled it. A patient grossed out and called the nurse. We still have to wait for about another 12 more people before our turn but we got ushered into the doctor’s room immediately on grounds that we were contagious …

3 days later, I even have blisters in my throat … ended up with liquid diet and sucking through a straw for 2 weeks.

Moral of the story: Don’t farking go and taste the liquid in your chicken pox blisters!!!!

Agony

Wow ... it really has been a while since I blogged. Not that I am running out of blogs but just couldn't find the time to blog. Like I said before, I only blog when I have the time. I understand there are some readers out there who wondered what happened to this Lembu, maybe kena sembelih already. Heh heh. Sorry guys, been really really busy.

Speaking of kena sembelih, what do you guys think of agony? What can be really really agonizing? For me, I think there are two things which can be really agonizing. It has got to do with scratching. Yup. You guessed it. No. 1 is when my balls itch. No. 2 is when my lubang hidung itch. Damn! When these two places itch, you really really have to reach in there and scratch them. Its totally agonizing for me if I can't scratch them.

Some chicks ask, why men scratch? Because itchy lah. What kind of cock question is that? Why it itches? I don't know. Could be STD. My buddies might have STD. But not me. Sometimes while standing in a public place or sitting in a public area, my balls start to itch. As the itch grows, I take a quick look around but instead of shoving my hands into my pants and scratch myself to ecstacy, I put my hands into my pocket and try to make it look as if I am looking for something in my pocket. That way I can scratch that damn itch without making myself look disgusting to any hot chicks who were around. But sometimes, really cannot help it especially when the itch is at the furthest reach of your balls. You really have to strectch your fingers and scratch it and that will usually draw a disgusted and aghast look on any women that sees it. But come on! Its so friggin itchy. If its itchy, you scratch it. That's my policy. Same goes for your nostril. It itches, you just shove your index finger into it and scratch. If there is any snot, just wipe it off on anything that is around you. The wall, the pillar, the table, chair, whatever. Even your friend's shirt. HAHA!!!

Ok ok .. can't spend too much time blogging. Have tons of work to clear and all this talk about scratching my balls is making my balls itchy again ...