Wow ... I last blogged in November 2007.
That's a friggin' long time. Time really flies. Especially when you are so friggin' busy.
It looks like everyone has jumped onto the blogging band wagon. Every farks seem to have something to say. Farks. Even a 7 year old kid is blogging away. Maybe I should blog about what goes on in my mind when I am just a 7 year old. But then again, I can't remember much about what was happening to me when I was 7 year old.
And since I can't friggin much remember ... I take it that I have had a very bad child-hood. Bad in what sense? I don't know. Why I don't know? 'Cos I can't farking remember!
Well enough for today. Thought I would try and kick start my blogs again. But seeing every farker is blogging about every damn thing, makes me wonder ... what's there to blog anymore?
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
The Broom
Some of you may have read about our Menteri Besar awarding a broom to state government agencies for not performing well enough.
Today, in the newspapers, you get people bitching and complaining that it was not appropriate to do so and the Menteri Besar should have found other ways to tell the agency to buck up.
FARK THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If you cant farking take the criticism, farking work your ass off!
I honestly think its a damn good idea. If they have done their jobs, they need not worry about embarassment or criticism. In bahasa, its called, TAHU MALU PUN!
Today, in the newspapers, you get people bitching and complaining that it was not appropriate to do so and the Menteri Besar should have found other ways to tell the agency to buck up.
FARK THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If you cant farking take the criticism, farking work your ass off!
I honestly think its a damn good idea. If they have done their jobs, they need not worry about embarassment or criticism. In bahasa, its called, TAHU MALU PUN!
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Astro new 3 digits channel
Astro recently "upgraded" their system and as a result, all the channels now are in 3 digits.
I hear people bitching about having to remember the new channel numbers. That goes to show this dumb farks got nothing better to do but watch tv at home. If some of you dont know, the tv is also known as the idiot box. But then again, in this age and era with discovery channels and national geographic channels... its no longer as idiotic as it was.
Why am I blogging about the 3 digits? Frankly, Astro are idiots as well. They forgot about our senior citizens. The geriatics. I should call Astro ANTI-GERIATIC.
Why?
Take for example. My mum. She is old. Have poor eye sight. Uses bi-focals. And over the years ... her hands developed arthritis.
Now picture this. She wants to change channel. She has to pick up that dumb remote. She has to bring it up close to her face to look at the numbers there. By virtue of doing so, she is no longer pointing the remote towards the decoder unit. So if she is not pointing at it but virtually pointing it towards the ceiling, how do you think the remote can change the channel?
Next, with her arthritic fingers, she tries to press the numbers. By the time she try to press the 3rd digit, astro will display a message for the 2 digit numbers and say no such channel.
Imagine this. Bring remote close to the eyes. See 1 number. Point to decoder. Press. Bring remote to eyes. Try to see another number. Point to decoder. Press. Then quickly with arthritic fingers try to press 3rd digit. Yup ... there you go, no friggin way she can get to the channel in time. Imagine her frustration.
So Astro ... thanks for being such an ass. I have to tell my mum, stick to one channel or just press the + or - on the remote to change channels. Thank goodness all the chinese drama channels are located next to each other. Otherwise, there will be lots of + and - to press to channel surf.
I hear people bitching about having to remember the new channel numbers. That goes to show this dumb farks got nothing better to do but watch tv at home. If some of you dont know, the tv is also known as the idiot box. But then again, in this age and era with discovery channels and national geographic channels... its no longer as idiotic as it was.
Why am I blogging about the 3 digits? Frankly, Astro are idiots as well. They forgot about our senior citizens. The geriatics. I should call Astro ANTI-GERIATIC.
Why?
Take for example. My mum. She is old. Have poor eye sight. Uses bi-focals. And over the years ... her hands developed arthritis.
Now picture this. She wants to change channel. She has to pick up that dumb remote. She has to bring it up close to her face to look at the numbers there. By virtue of doing so, she is no longer pointing the remote towards the decoder unit. So if she is not pointing at it but virtually pointing it towards the ceiling, how do you think the remote can change the channel?
Next, with her arthritic fingers, she tries to press the numbers. By the time she try to press the 3rd digit, astro will display a message for the 2 digit numbers and say no such channel.
Imagine this. Bring remote close to the eyes. See 1 number. Point to decoder. Press. Bring remote to eyes. Try to see another number. Point to decoder. Press. Then quickly with arthritic fingers try to press 3rd digit. Yup ... there you go, no friggin way she can get to the channel in time. Imagine her frustration.
So Astro ... thanks for being such an ass. I have to tell my mum, stick to one channel or just press the + or - on the remote to change channels. Thank goodness all the chinese drama channels are located next to each other. Otherwise, there will be lots of + and - to press to channel surf.
Saturday, November 03, 2007
Such Difficult Choice/Decision
Yeah yeah. Its been a while since I blogged. Busy with work. Busy with facebook. Every night my werewolf's hairy ass gets kicked by Han's friggin zombie. Bastard. Must bite his zombie's ass back. Give him a mauling.
Anyway ... I thought I have to blog today. Must keep up the blog. I wonder if I can blog from my facebook? Perhaps I can migrate all this shit there? Anyone know how?
So ... what to blog about? Ah yes. Decisions, decisions, decisions.
I was walking around at the mall and I saw the tv at the video shop showing Transformers. Cool ... finally the original copies are out. I walked into the shop. Looked for the Dvds. Found them. Picked them up. Saw them. Saw price. Threw it back.
It wasn't such a difficult decision after all. There was 2 packaging. One, RM69.90. The other, RM99.90. So you tell me ... do I buy the Dvds? FARKING NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
No matter what kind of a fanatic or psychotic fan that I am, I am not going to farking pay RM99.90 for a Dvd. My opinion, they are farking stupid. Farking stupid and farking greedy. Just because the cinema sales was high, they might think people would be grabbing the dvds at RM99.90. Ok ok .... I am making an assumption here. Assume = Making an "ASS" out of "U" and "ME". Perhaps there are enough mad farkers who will pay RM99.90 for a dvd.
I wont.
Anyway ... I thought I have to blog today. Must keep up the blog. I wonder if I can blog from my facebook? Perhaps I can migrate all this shit there? Anyone know how?
So ... what to blog about? Ah yes. Decisions, decisions, decisions.
I was walking around at the mall and I saw the tv at the video shop showing Transformers. Cool ... finally the original copies are out. I walked into the shop. Looked for the Dvds. Found them. Picked them up. Saw them. Saw price. Threw it back.
It wasn't such a difficult decision after all. There was 2 packaging. One, RM69.90. The other, RM99.90. So you tell me ... do I buy the Dvds? FARKING NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
No matter what kind of a fanatic or psychotic fan that I am, I am not going to farking pay RM99.90 for a Dvd. My opinion, they are farking stupid. Farking stupid and farking greedy. Just because the cinema sales was high, they might think people would be grabbing the dvds at RM99.90. Ok ok .... I am making an assumption here. Assume = Making an "ASS" out of "U" and "ME". Perhaps there are enough mad farkers who will pay RM99.90 for a dvd.
I wont.
Friday, September 21, 2007
The Tele-Marketeer
Whoa ... I have not blogged for a while. Been busy with facebook. Damn thing is friggin addictive. So ... kinda neglected this blog for a bit.
I had one of the worse telemarketeer calling me yesterday. You know, those guys or gals that calls you from banks or credit card companies? Well, this one is quite a champion ...
Caller: Hello Sir.
Me: Yes?
Caller: (mumbled) here
Me: Huh?
Caller: (mumble) (mumble)
Me: Sorry. who are you?
Caller: Siva here. Siva. Siva.
Me: Siva?
Caller: Yes sir. Siva from xxxx bank sir.
Me: Ok .....?
Caller: Ah Sir, can I talk to you?
Me: errrr .... you are already talking to me?
Caller: Sorry sir, are you busy?
Me: No. Please talk.
Caller: Sir, we got personal loan. You want or not?
Me: (laughing to myself) sorry ... WHAT loan?
Caller: Personal loan sir. you want or not?
Me: Hello! you calling from bank or Ah Long?
Caller: No no. Not ah long sir. Bank sir.
Me: But the way you ask macam like ah long like that.
Caller: No sir. We are bank sir. So you want loan or not?
Me: Its ok. No thank you. Bye bye.
I can't believe this guy. Did the bank or his supervisors actually teach him how to speak to people over the phone? Farks .... you want loan or not. Well, at least he got straight to the point.
I had one of the worse telemarketeer calling me yesterday. You know, those guys or gals that calls you from banks or credit card companies? Well, this one is quite a champion ...
Caller: Hello Sir.
Me: Yes?
Caller: (mumbled) here
Me: Huh?
Caller: (mumble) (mumble)
Me: Sorry. who are you?
Caller: Siva here. Siva. Siva.
Me: Siva?
Caller: Yes sir. Siva from xxxx bank sir.
Me: Ok .....?
Caller: Ah Sir, can I talk to you?
Me: errrr .... you are already talking to me?
Caller: Sorry sir, are you busy?
Me: No. Please talk.
Caller: Sir, we got personal loan. You want or not?
Me: (laughing to myself) sorry ... WHAT loan?
Caller: Personal loan sir. you want or not?
Me: Hello! you calling from bank or Ah Long?
Caller: No no. Not ah long sir. Bank sir.
Me: But the way you ask macam like ah long like that.
Caller: No sir. We are bank sir. So you want loan or not?
Me: Its ok. No thank you. Bye bye.
I can't believe this guy. Did the bank or his supervisors actually teach him how to speak to people over the phone? Farks .... you want loan or not. Well, at least he got straight to the point.
Tuesday, September 04, 2007
The "TOR" & the "TEE"
Ah .... Guru Lembu will try to be Lembu-pedia today ...
The "TOR" or the "OR" - always used when you give.
The "TEE" or the "EE" - always used when you receive.
Example. The PENETRATOR - the person who penetrates i.e. the farker or if you want to call him or her, the farkor also can. This is when you give.
The PENETRATEE - ahem, this is the person who gets penetrated i.e. the farkee. Heh heh.
Which brings Guru Lembu to his favorite question ... I mean, the following is a theory of Guru Lembu. You try it on your friends, especially the guys.
Ask any guy, if during sex, would he prefer to be a PENETRATOR or a PENETRATEE. My theory is, a REAL MAN would immediately say, what da fark? of course lah PENETRATOR!!!
Agree?
But if your friend actually take some time to think about it and then give you an answer .... BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH ... me theory is, he has a dark side waiting to cross over. This theory of course applies to guys. If the girl responds immediately and say PENETRATOR, we know that she is the dominant one lah. If she thinks about it, means she is thinking ... hmmm... what would it be like if I am the one thrusting and penetrating ...?
Anyway ... dats me Guru Lembu theory. Try it on guys. See how long they take to answer... and if they do take a long time to answer (or rather does not answer immediately) ask him, what's with the doubt? Why this kind of thing also need to think wan is it?
The "TOR" or the "OR" - always used when you give.
The "TEE" or the "EE" - always used when you receive.
Example. The PENETRATOR - the person who penetrates i.e. the farker or if you want to call him or her, the farkor also can. This is when you give.
The PENETRATEE - ahem, this is the person who gets penetrated i.e. the farkee. Heh heh.
Which brings Guru Lembu to his favorite question ... I mean, the following is a theory of Guru Lembu. You try it on your friends, especially the guys.
Ask any guy, if during sex, would he prefer to be a PENETRATOR or a PENETRATEE. My theory is, a REAL MAN would immediately say, what da fark? of course lah PENETRATOR!!!
Agree?
But if your friend actually take some time to think about it and then give you an answer .... BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH ... me theory is, he has a dark side waiting to cross over. This theory of course applies to guys. If the girl responds immediately and say PENETRATOR, we know that she is the dominant one lah. If she thinks about it, means she is thinking ... hmmm... what would it be like if I am the one thrusting and penetrating ...?
Anyway ... dats me Guru Lembu theory. Try it on guys. See how long they take to answer... and if they do take a long time to answer (or rather does not answer immediately) ask him, what's with the doubt? Why this kind of thing also need to think wan is it?
Monday, September 03, 2007
IT
IT. Information Technology. Or is it ... Idiot's Tests? It should have been ITT. Idiot's Trials & Tribulations.
I never thought I am the IT kinda person. But I recently found out that there are people out there ... that are much much worse off than me.
A friend of mine recently called me and said, ey, Lembu, can you help out a friend of mine with some IT stuff.
I was like ... HUH? Dei ... since when I am IT expert?
Friend went, can lah .... I also IT buta wan. I think these are simple stuff. Just that my friend left a MNC and is working as a consultant right now and is having some problems with her notebook.
So I said, ok .... must be quite a challenge then. A former MNC employee and now a consultant. I really think she should get a real IT guy. Not me. Heck ... I only use word processor i.e. Microsoft Word @ work!!!! How da fark am I suppose to help this person.
Now ... the first time I helped her ... well, she is in her late 30s. And yes, I am very amazed that people nowadays don't know how to install software into their notebook. So ... nevermind. I helped. I thought that was it. There were many other occassions which I had to help with her notebook and then one day ... the ultimate question was posed to me.
Q: errr... u know, I have thousands of emails in my outlook and I think its too much already.
Me: huh? just delete lah.
Q: oh.... can delete ah?
Me: (duh silently to myself) errrr... yup. You see your outlook ... there is a delete function.
Q: oh ... thanks thanks.
1 MONTH later .......
Q: hello?
Me: yup?
Q: you know, my email ...
Me: why? cannot receive?
Q: no no. last time I delete all my emails ... they are still not deleted. they are all still there ..
Me: HUH? Errr ... you click on the mail, then you click delete .... riiiiiggggght?
Q: yah yah. I did that. but then hor ... all the mails I deleted are still there in my outlook
Me: huh?
Q: yah ... instead of deleting, the mails all went into the deleted folder
Me: (smashing my head against my table) errrr .... from inbox, you delete, it goes to deleted folder. once you are sure you don't want them anymore, then you delete it from the deleted folder ...
Q: oh. so troublesome. why this outlook so stupid. must delete so many times. Anyway, thanks ok? such a stupid program. must delete twice... so stupid
Me: errr ... ok. bye ... have fun with your emails. bye
Sighhhhhhhsss .... and I thought my IT is bad.
I never thought I am the IT kinda person. But I recently found out that there are people out there ... that are much much worse off than me.
A friend of mine recently called me and said, ey, Lembu, can you help out a friend of mine with some IT stuff.
I was like ... HUH? Dei ... since when I am IT expert?
Friend went, can lah .... I also IT buta wan. I think these are simple stuff. Just that my friend left a MNC and is working as a consultant right now and is having some problems with her notebook.
So I said, ok .... must be quite a challenge then. A former MNC employee and now a consultant. I really think she should get a real IT guy. Not me. Heck ... I only use word processor i.e. Microsoft Word @ work!!!! How da fark am I suppose to help this person.
Now ... the first time I helped her ... well, she is in her late 30s. And yes, I am very amazed that people nowadays don't know how to install software into their notebook. So ... nevermind. I helped. I thought that was it. There were many other occassions which I had to help with her notebook and then one day ... the ultimate question was posed to me.
Q: errr... u know, I have thousands of emails in my outlook and I think its too much already.
Me: huh? just delete lah.
Q: oh.... can delete ah?
Me: (duh silently to myself) errrr... yup. You see your outlook ... there is a delete function.
Q: oh ... thanks thanks.
1 MONTH later .......
Q: hello?
Me: yup?
Q: you know, my email ...
Me: why? cannot receive?
Q: no no. last time I delete all my emails ... they are still not deleted. they are all still there ..
Me: HUH? Errr ... you click on the mail, then you click delete .... riiiiiggggght?
Q: yah yah. I did that. but then hor ... all the mails I deleted are still there in my outlook
Me: huh?
Q: yah ... instead of deleting, the mails all went into the deleted folder
Me: (smashing my head against my table) errrr .... from inbox, you delete, it goes to deleted folder. once you are sure you don't want them anymore, then you delete it from the deleted folder ...
Q: oh. so troublesome. why this outlook so stupid. must delete so many times. Anyway, thanks ok? such a stupid program. must delete twice... so stupid
Me: errr ... ok. bye ... have fun with your emails. bye
Sighhhhhhhsss .... and I thought my IT is bad.
Friday, August 31, 2007
Monday, August 27, 2007
A Beach Bug
I am a beach bug. I am trying to find the words or the expression to express how I feel about being a beach bug. I am a chinaman but yet, I love getting a nice sun tan. Yeah yeah, I know about the ozone layer and the skin cancer shit. But ... getting a sun tan seems more fun. Usually I would burn myself so bad that by the 2nd day at the beach, I would be roasted. Red as a lobster and I wont even be able to lie down on any side. Once I was burnt so badly I was even peeling at the scalp.
What's with the beaches? I don't know. There's something there that attracts me. Besides the women in bikini of course. Haha. There's both peace, thrills and also mystery when it comes to the beach and the sea. I am actually very disdain and cynical about people going to the beaches. In fact, some people should not even be there.
Who are these people? Friggin tourist whom just want to see the "beauty" of the island or the beach. But, do they really see it? Or, its just because they have been in the city for so long, any friggin beach resort would look nice to them. Do they feel the peace? Do they feel the beauty instead of seeing it?
I see morons and idiots who go to the islands and stay away from the sun. I hear idiots complaining about the heat or even the sticky sweat that runs down their body and getting sand stuck all over them. Sheesh ... why were they there in the first place?
The best part is when you go snorkelling. This is what I see during peak season. Say the coming long merdeka weekend. You see people, floating like thousands of cork .... snorkelling it seems. You can tell the real snorkellers from the tourists. The real mccoys don't snorkel with life jackets on. Ok ok ... sometimes when I get too tired of swimming around, I will just grab a life jacket just to float around lazily. The worse are those who are afraid of skin cancer ... they go snorkelling wearing long track pants & long sleeves shirts. Yeah ... go figure. I see girls hiding in the shadows and not snorkelling. Some brought their umbrellas along. And when they go home, they said the island is soooo beautiful. They had a good time. Doing what? Hiding in the shade?
Enuff bitching about all these posers. 'Till the next blog, have a beachy good time. By the way, the picture I took was a deco put up by the beach resort at night. Everyone just wined and dined on the beach. I was just imagining ... when I was munching down on my seafood, what if a tsunami wave hits?
Sunday, August 26, 2007
Being a Dad
Hello readers or fans of me blog.
Yes ... it has been a while since me last blog. And some of you already know, baby lembu came out earlier this month of August ... and the feeling is .................... overwhelming.
Its still sinking in, being a daddy and all. I do realised now ... I have really really lost the space and the freedom in my life. But I have to come to terms with it. And ... its really worth it. Tho' honestly, sometimes I tend to dream again ... about my dreams and the "to infinity and beyond"
When I say its really worth it, its a totally different feeling holding the little guy in your arms. At work, you just wana go home and watch him sleep or harass him a little. Wake him up so that can cradle him in your arms again. Why do I do all this? I have this thing in my mind ... carpe diem! seize the day now. He is that cute little fella now. Very soon he will grow much bigger and its going to be really tiring to be carrying him. Next thing you know, he will be driving you up the walls. And later, he won't even want you to touch him. And next, he will be rebelling against you. So ... seize the day!
I will miss my islands and my beaches. I will miss the waves and the open air. The breeze. The salty sea air ... well, I will blog about all these later. For now ... its cleaning his poop time. Lil fella has been screaming for the past 30 seconds. Will let him scream a bit more to make sure he has fully shat.
Until the next blog ... which I hope will be soon ... remember to Seize the Day! Carpe Diem.
Yes ... it has been a while since me last blog. And some of you already know, baby lembu came out earlier this month of August ... and the feeling is .................... overwhelming.
Its still sinking in, being a daddy and all. I do realised now ... I have really really lost the space and the freedom in my life. But I have to come to terms with it. And ... its really worth it. Tho' honestly, sometimes I tend to dream again ... about my dreams and the "to infinity and beyond"
When I say its really worth it, its a totally different feeling holding the little guy in your arms. At work, you just wana go home and watch him sleep or harass him a little. Wake him up so that can cradle him in your arms again. Why do I do all this? I have this thing in my mind ... carpe diem! seize the day now. He is that cute little fella now. Very soon he will grow much bigger and its going to be really tiring to be carrying him. Next thing you know, he will be driving you up the walls. And later, he won't even want you to touch him. And next, he will be rebelling against you. So ... seize the day!
I will miss my islands and my beaches. I will miss the waves and the open air. The breeze. The salty sea air ... well, I will blog about all these later. For now ... its cleaning his poop time. Lil fella has been screaming for the past 30 seconds. Will let him scream a bit more to make sure he has fully shat.
Until the next blog ... which I hope will be soon ... remember to Seize the Day! Carpe Diem.
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Aim lah ...
A customer of mine was at my office and he asked me if he could use the gent's room. Told him where the toilet was and off he went. Couple of minutes later he came back and sat down in the conference room. And then my turn pulak. Tank full. Need to go and empty it. So I went to the toilet.
Kan ni neh ... that pundek seriously has aiming issues. And I think he has some serious health problems as well. No. 1 .... he did not lift the cover. Never mind. No. 2 - He kencing also not straight. Can see the yellow spots of the kencing all over the cover. Damn this guy. Finish kencing already also never clean up. Tiu. Must go out and tiau that fella.
Me: Dei macha ....
Client: yup?
Me: you ah ... you cock eye or what? kan ni neh, when you kencing, aim-lah sikit. what lah you! either that, your cock got parkinson disease is it? shaking all the time?
Client: why lah?
Me: your kencing lah. spray all over the place. aim-lah center. toilet bowl so big, your cock so small ... tiu, you spray until everywhere ... i can see all your yellow kencing spots everywhere. what you doing lah? marking your spot kah? or you playing firemen. spray left right left right. farrrgs!
Client: no lah. u see my eyes. where got cock eye? and where got cock got parkinson disease wan? Got wan ah? I thought hands only shaking?
Me: how I know? I not doctor what. if not cock eye, not parkinson, then what? your cock like those porn star wan is it? bengkok wan ah? like boomerang shape? or like hook shape? tiu ... if your cock not straight, then you stand sideways lah sikit so can aim your kencing properly...
Client: aiyo. sorry lah.
Me: sorry sorry. next time i put one funnel in my toilet. when you want to kencing, cup the damn funnel up your crotch, stick your cock inside and then only kencing.
Client: haha. ok lah. next time i aim properly.
Farrrgs. I think most of you guys agree with me on this. Some dumb fargs just don't care how to kencing straight.
Kan ni neh ... that pundek seriously has aiming issues. And I think he has some serious health problems as well. No. 1 .... he did not lift the cover. Never mind. No. 2 - He kencing also not straight. Can see the yellow spots of the kencing all over the cover. Damn this guy. Finish kencing already also never clean up. Tiu. Must go out and tiau that fella.
Me: Dei macha ....
Client: yup?
Me: you ah ... you cock eye or what? kan ni neh, when you kencing, aim-lah sikit. what lah you! either that, your cock got parkinson disease is it? shaking all the time?
Client: why lah?
Me: your kencing lah. spray all over the place. aim-lah center. toilet bowl so big, your cock so small ... tiu, you spray until everywhere ... i can see all your yellow kencing spots everywhere. what you doing lah? marking your spot kah? or you playing firemen. spray left right left right. farrrgs!
Client: no lah. u see my eyes. where got cock eye? and where got cock got parkinson disease wan? Got wan ah? I thought hands only shaking?
Me: how I know? I not doctor what. if not cock eye, not parkinson, then what? your cock like those porn star wan is it? bengkok wan ah? like boomerang shape? or like hook shape? tiu ... if your cock not straight, then you stand sideways lah sikit so can aim your kencing properly...
Client: aiyo. sorry lah.
Me: sorry sorry. next time i put one funnel in my toilet. when you want to kencing, cup the damn funnel up your crotch, stick your cock inside and then only kencing.
Client: haha. ok lah. next time i aim properly.
Farrrgs. I think most of you guys agree with me on this. Some dumb fargs just don't care how to kencing straight.
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Wah Lau Eh ...
I haven't blogged about this .... but yeah, baby lembu is coming. In fact, baby lembu is coming out soon! That little monster has caused havoc in my life but I suppose that's what people say, That's Life!
I don't know how to start. When wifey told me that baby lembu was there, I was speechless. No I didn't faint. Anyway ... it was a lot of mixed feelings.
Why I am blogging about it? Actually, I am blogging more on the commercial side of it all. I just realised three things, if you want to get filthy rich, No. 1 Sell Slimming Products to Fat Ass Women, or No. 2 Sell Whitening Cream to those already "Pak Cham Kai" (Steamed White Chicken) Women or ... if you think you are too nobel to be doing No. 1 and No. 2 or you might get karma, you go into No. 3, sell baby stuff.
Since baby lembu is going to come out soon, wifey and I went shopping for his stuff. And man, was I shocked out of my cow hide. Friggin things are so friggin expensive. Take for example, his socks. Kan ni neh, one teeeny tiny pair of socks costs RM6.90!!!! Farks. Its even more expensive than my socks. Hell, in fact, my socks costs like RM10.90 for 3 pairs!!! What da fark man. Its not like them socks have microchips or circuits inside them. And worse part is, you know that those socks won't fit baby lembu in 3 months time. Sheesh ....
And since its your own baby lembu, you can't help but think of safety safety safety. And precisely based on this, them farkers charge you an arm and a leg. Example, strollers. Out of curiosity, I looked at the strollers. Well, some are so friggin cheap you tend to doubt it. You know lah .. the old saying, "Cheap Things No Good, Good Things No Cheap, Best Things in Life are Free" But when you look at some of the expensive range strollers .... my eyes popped out and my jaw dropped. Damn thing can come up to more than RM1,000!!!! Farks! When the sales attendant came and ask me if I needed assistance, I asked, "Miss, where do I put petrol for this? Got remote control ah?" She gives me that blur look. Farks, for this price, damn stroller better be able to transform into an autobot or decepticon or have some missile launchers where I can shoot some missiles up someone's ass if they are blocking me.
My wallet is still bleeding and I believe ... its going to bleed some more. Sighs ....
I don't know how to start. When wifey told me that baby lembu was there, I was speechless. No I didn't faint. Anyway ... it was a lot of mixed feelings.
Why I am blogging about it? Actually, I am blogging more on the commercial side of it all. I just realised three things, if you want to get filthy rich, No. 1 Sell Slimming Products to Fat Ass Women, or No. 2 Sell Whitening Cream to those already "Pak Cham Kai" (Steamed White Chicken) Women or ... if you think you are too nobel to be doing No. 1 and No. 2 or you might get karma, you go into No. 3, sell baby stuff.
Since baby lembu is going to come out soon, wifey and I went shopping for his stuff. And man, was I shocked out of my cow hide. Friggin things are so friggin expensive. Take for example, his socks. Kan ni neh, one teeeny tiny pair of socks costs RM6.90!!!! Farks. Its even more expensive than my socks. Hell, in fact, my socks costs like RM10.90 for 3 pairs!!! What da fark man. Its not like them socks have microchips or circuits inside them. And worse part is, you know that those socks won't fit baby lembu in 3 months time. Sheesh ....
And since its your own baby lembu, you can't help but think of safety safety safety. And precisely based on this, them farkers charge you an arm and a leg. Example, strollers. Out of curiosity, I looked at the strollers. Well, some are so friggin cheap you tend to doubt it. You know lah .. the old saying, "Cheap Things No Good, Good Things No Cheap, Best Things in Life are Free" But when you look at some of the expensive range strollers .... my eyes popped out and my jaw dropped. Damn thing can come up to more than RM1,000!!!! Farks! When the sales attendant came and ask me if I needed assistance, I asked, "Miss, where do I put petrol for this? Got remote control ah?" She gives me that blur look. Farks, for this price, damn stroller better be able to transform into an autobot or decepticon or have some missile launchers where I can shoot some missiles up someone's ass if they are blocking me.
My wallet is still bleeding and I believe ... its going to bleed some more. Sighs ....
Monday, July 23, 2007
Green
Whew ... been a really rough week. Looks like I didn't manage to post any blog at all for the past week.
Here's some pictures I took recently. Its nothing much ... but because I used to hike a lot, views like these makes you go "sighs ......" Its best viewed from the mountain top. Each time I hike, I used to curse .... every damn language that I know, you will hear the foul words. Mandarin, Cantonese, Hokkien, English, Malay, Tamil ... whatever. Just curse and swear as you hike up the mountain with 15kg on your back. I always swear that I will never go back again but its always the same, couple of weeks after I come down, I will go up another mountain.
Its been hard the past 7 years or so ... ever since my knee surgery. I feel miserable that I can't hike or climb anymore. Well ... hopefully one day I will be able to go back to hiking, climbing and playing b-ball.
Friday, July 13, 2007
Reflexology
I was away for a short break sometime ago. Decided that I need to get some cool fresh air. So I took wifey and drove up to Camerons just for the weekend. Left early saturday morning and came back down again on Sunday. That place brings back some overwhelming emotional feelings for me. I used to hike a lot. Hiking up mountains and just looking at the green scenery around you is .... simply amazing. Ever since my knee got busted up so badly ... I have not hiked for the past ... 8 years? That's a long time. So when I drove up there, I got a little emo about it. Besides, Camerons is a very small town, time slows down over here. Back in KL, I would be friggin' stressed out but once you drive into Brinchang or Tanah Rata, you will feel the difference.
Anyway, while I was in Camerons, I decided to try out this reflexology place in Tanah Rata. Foot massage. I have tried foot massage before but this one .... well, here's the blog:
Uncle: (while massaging me hooves) young man, pain ah?
Me: (winced) a bit lah
Uncle: (squeezed my big toe) pain ah?
Me: errr ... a bit
Uncle: (massaged the big toe harder) now?
Me: Yup. pain (kan ni neh ... i cursed quietly)
Uncle: you have sleep problems. you get a lot of headache
Me: (thought to myself - fark, he's right) errrr.... something like that lah (still wincing)
Uncle: (massaged other area) - young man, don't smoke so much. your lungs not so good
Me: Huh? Uncle. I don't smoke lah. (fark - now he is wrong)
Uncle: huh? cannot be? something not right. your lungs not so good.
Me: mumble ...
Uncle: you have knee problems
Me: yup. very obvious mah. damn big scar there
Uncle: (dug deep into my foot with his knuckles) here .... your knee problems
Me: OW!!!
Uncle: heh heh
Me: (bastard)
Uncle: (massage massage) you have liver problems also. don't drink so much
Me: ok (ow ow ow)
Uncle: young man, your digestive system also not very good ah ...
Me: huh? no what. I shit every day. A lot of shit some more
Uncle: not very good lah your intestines ...
Me: ok
Uncle: don't take so much sugar. see this part here (he massaged harder) ...
Me: ow ow ow
Uncle: ah see, cut down on sugar
Me: ok ok
Uncle: hmmmm .... your lower back is not very good as well. very strained. i help you massage harder here ...
Me: AAAAAAARRRRGGHHHH!!!!
Uncle: heh heh
Me: (bastard bastard ... farking hell, pay him to torture me, tibai betuih)
Uncle: hmmm ... your heart also not very good shape. young man you must exercise more
Me: uncle ... you see my knee, how to exercise?
Uncle: then go foot reflexology more, can help. hahaha
Me: ugh.... ow ow ow
Uncle: I massage your toe more now. your headache and insomnia very bad. harder ok?
Me: err... ok ..... AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGGHHHHHHH!!!!
Uncle: heh heh
Uncle: (massage other parts of foot) hmmm... your uric acid also quite high. your joints must be pain especially your knee
Me: ey ... uncle, you know ah, the way you tell me that I have all these problems .... wah lau, macamlah I am soooooo damaged like that ...
Uncle: true what. haha
Me: fark ... mumble mumble ow ow ow ...
Uncle: don't worry, tonight you will sleep better.
True enough ... I slept better that night. Haven't had a peaceful sleep for a long time. Well ... it was only for that night. Next night it was back to normal again. Sighs.
Anyway, if any of you goes to Camerons, do give it a try. That uncle is good. The place is in Tanah Rata.
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Plain Wrong ... Its Just So Wrong
Some people just have no fashion sense. But wait ... before I show you all "THE PHOTO", I am not that kind of pervert ok? Kan Ni Neh you all ... don't think until like that. I just couldn't help it but had to take this photo so that Guru Lembu can educate you all.
Nowadays people especially the chicks love to wear low cut pants. Especially when they sit down, you can see their the top of their undies or boxers or lingerie. I tell you hot chicks now ... not every hot chick can pull it off. So for those who think that you have the "self confidence" to pull it off, think again. You make some people puke because of your stupid "self-confidence" beliefs.
No. 1 - to pull it off and have guys salivating over the "exposed" view, you need to have the perfect shape. Flat asses, Fat asses etc do not come within this definition. Hips and Asses that are shaped like amoebas are also not within this definition.
No. 2 - to be able to really really pull it off, you gotta have those dimples. You know, some women have those dimples at the back? Man ... I get turned on when I see those. For those flat ones .... yeah, you can try to wear low cut jeans or pants etc but make sure you have the shape.
No. 3 - the undies. Damn ... you better be wearing thongs or lacy types. Fark ... some guys might just get a hard on when they see it. For those hip-hop member, I know you guys usually wear boxers. Still can lah, all depends on your target audience. Do not wear lah "spender" longgar all. Especially those where the elastic band already loose or worn out.
BUT THE WORSE .... DON'T LAH WEAR WRONG UNDIES. Already Fail No. 1 - No Shape. Fail No. 2 - No dimples. No. 3 - you wear lah some nice lacy undies or thongs... But this particular one I saw .... CHAMPION OF THE CHAMPIONS. I saw it at a restaurant and what more can I say .... Just no appetite to makan anymore after that. See for yourself - picture below.
Hah .... you see that or not? PAPER UNDERWEAR WOI! DISPOSABLES. Kan ni neh betuih. Really spoil everything.
Sorry ... I know ... not good to take pictures like that, but how lah. Cannot tahan man. You see also you want to go there and instead of giving a wedgy, you want to tear it "along the dotted lines" BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Monday, July 09, 2007
Back When There Was No PS2 - Part II
Back in those days, we were already damn friggin competitive. Every game we play is a competition. Hell, even when we are bored shitless, we will find something to play and compete on. You might say some of these are unconventional but I bet you don't find these games on PS2.
The Spitting Game
Yes, spit and phlegm. One of our favorites. My buddies and I would sometimes try to spit and see who can spit the furthest. That's one competition. We will all stand in a line and spit. Ptooooi! Then we see whose spit lands the furthest. Not easy you know. It has skills for you to learn. The angle you ptooi out. The way you turn your head and fling your head forward and the timing you release your spit ... all makes a difference how far your spit will land.
Other than that, we will all stand on top of first floor or second floor or on a pedestrian bridge. Then we try spitting down. The objective? See whose spit can make the biggest splatter. SPLAT! Then we go down and see, who has the biggest spit. This also need skill. You need to accumulate all your spit and spit it out slowly pppppppppppppptooi! Then it falls down like a big droplet of water.
Last, we spit on the wall. If got phlegm, even better. KUAAAAAKKKKK .... PTOOOOI! SPLAT! the spit hits the wall. Then we see .... whose spit can stay longer on the wall. We even time it. Then we see whose spit can drip down slower or faster etc. We would also see who has the most phlegm and whose phlegm is greener than the other. This game is best played when someone has the flu.
The Pissing Game
Ahh ... this one, we all stand in a line. So many ways to compete. Of course, the usual is see who can shoot the furthest. One thing we all learned ... the bugger with the circumcised cock tend to shoot the furthest. So for those still with foreskin .... we tell them to pull it back and true enough, it does shoot further. Haha.
The Shitting Game
Well .... you really don't want to know about this ... HAHAHAHA
The Spitting Game
Yes, spit and phlegm. One of our favorites. My buddies and I would sometimes try to spit and see who can spit the furthest. That's one competition. We will all stand in a line and spit. Ptooooi! Then we see whose spit lands the furthest. Not easy you know. It has skills for you to learn. The angle you ptooi out. The way you turn your head and fling your head forward and the timing you release your spit ... all makes a difference how far your spit will land.
Other than that, we will all stand on top of first floor or second floor or on a pedestrian bridge. Then we try spitting down. The objective? See whose spit can make the biggest splatter. SPLAT! Then we go down and see, who has the biggest spit. This also need skill. You need to accumulate all your spit and spit it out slowly pppppppppppppptooi! Then it falls down like a big droplet of water.
Last, we spit on the wall. If got phlegm, even better. KUAAAAAKKKKK .... PTOOOOI! SPLAT! the spit hits the wall. Then we see .... whose spit can stay longer on the wall. We even time it. Then we see whose spit can drip down slower or faster etc. We would also see who has the most phlegm and whose phlegm is greener than the other. This game is best played when someone has the flu.
The Pissing Game
Ahh ... this one, we all stand in a line. So many ways to compete. Of course, the usual is see who can shoot the furthest. One thing we all learned ... the bugger with the circumcised cock tend to shoot the furthest. So for those still with foreskin .... we tell them to pull it back and true enough, it does shoot further. Haha.
The Shitting Game
Well .... you really don't want to know about this ... HAHAHAHA
Wednesday, July 04, 2007
Back When There Was No PS2
I received an email recently ... about what we kids used to do back in those days when there was no such thing as PS2. Closest thing was this friggin thing called the game & watch. My favorite was still the western bar. Haha.
Ok ok ... I am old. I admit it. In fact I feel friggin' old. Especially after I read that email. What more watching transformers the other day. It reminded me ... back in those days, we were always outside playing. Hell, my parents used to resort to caning or locking me in the house and throwing the keys away just to keep me at home. But nowadays, damn kids refuse to go out and play. You probably have to cane them to get them out of the house. Kan ni neh .... Ini semua pasal itu computer and PS2.
I can try and recall as many things as possible things that kept us entertained and busy ... but this blog will be friggin long then.
Well ... one of the things we enjoyed having a laugh was fish. Fishing is one thing. Laughing at it is another. You know ... all the terrace houses has a porch and back in those days, most people have their fish tanks or aquariums outside the house. Right at the porch and parked next to it is the family car.
One of my buddy's house has this typical set up. Fish tank outside. Fishies swimming inside. Whenever I go over to his house and see his dad's or his mum's car there, I get this itchy feeling and evil gleam in my eyes. He knows it and we always run into the store room to grab 2 wires. We will run back to the porch, pop the hood and hook the wires to the car battery and the other end of the wires ..... heh heh. We hold it. One guy starts the car. The other guy slowly dips the wires into the water and we watch the fishies swim in spasms .... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
If not car battery ... it even works with motorcycle batteries or even normal batteries. Hell ... that big battery for those big "dolphin" torchlights also can.
Better than PS2 anytime ...
Ok ok ... I am old. I admit it. In fact I feel friggin' old. Especially after I read that email. What more watching transformers the other day. It reminded me ... back in those days, we were always outside playing. Hell, my parents used to resort to caning or locking me in the house and throwing the keys away just to keep me at home. But nowadays, damn kids refuse to go out and play. You probably have to cane them to get them out of the house. Kan ni neh .... Ini semua pasal itu computer and PS2.
I can try and recall as many things as possible things that kept us entertained and busy ... but this blog will be friggin long then.
Well ... one of the things we enjoyed having a laugh was fish. Fishing is one thing. Laughing at it is another. You know ... all the terrace houses has a porch and back in those days, most people have their fish tanks or aquariums outside the house. Right at the porch and parked next to it is the family car.
One of my buddy's house has this typical set up. Fish tank outside. Fishies swimming inside. Whenever I go over to his house and see his dad's or his mum's car there, I get this itchy feeling and evil gleam in my eyes. He knows it and we always run into the store room to grab 2 wires. We will run back to the porch, pop the hood and hook the wires to the car battery and the other end of the wires ..... heh heh. We hold it. One guy starts the car. The other guy slowly dips the wires into the water and we watch the fishies swim in spasms .... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
If not car battery ... it even works with motorcycle batteries or even normal batteries. Hell ... that big battery for those big "dolphin" torchlights also can.
Better than PS2 anytime ...
Tuesday, July 03, 2007
Murphy Again
I seriously think I should call myself Murphy Lembu or Lembu Murphy. Murphy as in Murphy's Laws. And sometimes I do think the Big Guy up there plays tricks on me.
Take this for example ... last Sunday I went to 1 Utama. I was there at 11.30am. Guess what? No parking. No friggin place to park. I drove round and round the car parks from new wing to old wing and from old wing back to new wing ... no friggin car park. Farks ... I went from basement 1 to basement 2, went to upper levels, went to roof top, went friggin everywhere ... no blady friggin car park!
But yet, I see lucky farks getting a spot. I just don't get it. This is big time trick already. I was just driving around looking for car park for almost 15 minutes. Still no car park. I see people walking out of their cars to the mall but yet ... I cannot get a place to park. Curses curses swear swear swear BITCH BITCH BITCH!!!
Damn farking GERAM!
I decided to idle. Where I idle, no one leaves. No one comes out. But I can see the other side, people leave. Fark. I changed places to idle. Waited. Fark. The place I waited just now, someone left and another person got the spot. TIU NIA SENG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ok enuff idling ... I decided to tail people. Tail tail tail ... guess what? I tail them to a spot where people were already idling or waiting with their signals on. MAH TIBAI!
Fark it. I had enough. I left. Decided not to go 1U anymore. And to rub salt to the injury, I had to pay parking RM1.10. FARK FARK FARK!!!!!
Take this for example ... last Sunday I went to 1 Utama. I was there at 11.30am. Guess what? No parking. No friggin place to park. I drove round and round the car parks from new wing to old wing and from old wing back to new wing ... no friggin car park. Farks ... I went from basement 1 to basement 2, went to upper levels, went to roof top, went friggin everywhere ... no blady friggin car park!
But yet, I see lucky farks getting a spot. I just don't get it. This is big time trick already. I was just driving around looking for car park for almost 15 minutes. Still no car park. I see people walking out of their cars to the mall but yet ... I cannot get a place to park. Curses curses swear swear swear BITCH BITCH BITCH!!!
Damn farking GERAM!
I decided to idle. Where I idle, no one leaves. No one comes out. But I can see the other side, people leave. Fark. I changed places to idle. Waited. Fark. The place I waited just now, someone left and another person got the spot. TIU NIA SENG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ok enuff idling ... I decided to tail people. Tail tail tail ... guess what? I tail them to a spot where people were already idling or waiting with their signals on. MAH TIBAI!
Fark it. I had enough. I left. Decided not to go 1U anymore. And to rub salt to the injury, I had to pay parking RM1.10. FARK FARK FARK!!!!!
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Blady Parkers!
Yup, I really mean it. Nope, it wasn't a typo. Its not blady farkers. I really do mean to say blady parkers. And nope. I am not cursing peter parker or anyone parker pens. My parkers are those puki mak kan ni na bu chao tibai parkers who park their cars. Especially the Malaysia Boleh ones. Wifey always asked me why I get agitated whenever I go to a shopping mall, especially in the afternoon or in the evening. My answer is simple ... those blady parkers pisses me off.
The Kiasu Type Parker
This type of kiasu parker are the ones who goes round and round (not the whole parking lot) but in front of the entrances. They must park as near as possible to the entrance. Especially if its at the first level. Cannot go B2 or B3. Must always be B1 and must always be as close as possible to the entrance or to the lift. If there is a parking lot right in front of the door, I am sure they will wait for it to be vacant. Can't understand this kind of pundek. They are willing to sit in the car and wait until its vacant or just go around until someone leaves. They have so much time to burn on their hands.
The Why da dark Must I pay for parking type of Parker
These are the kan ni nehs that parked outside by the road. Even if its illegal, they will still risk it. Why must I pay RM1.00 for parking when I can park outside for free. Wonder what they say when they receive the saman. Probably cursed and swear at the cops who ticketed him and then blames the government for corruption and mismanagement etc etc etc. Bitch bitch bitch and then he will swear that he will vote for the opposition party at the next election. And if his car gets stolen, he will also vote for the opposition party and blame the cops for being lazy. What you should do? If all these cars are causing traffic to slow down, suggest you drive by with your windows down, hold a coin and stick out your hand and just drive by. Try to get a straight line from one car to the other. Its not easy you know to draw straight line.
The Trickster type of Parker
Ah ... this wan .... the best way to describe these parkers are the kancil or kelisa owners. They park their cars sooooooo farking deep into the lot, you can't see the car's ass or the car. You drive into a parking area and see an "empty" slot. You tekan your gas to go there, put signal, turn your steering wheel just to see that there is a kancil or a kelisa inside. TIU NIA SENG!
The Janji Ada Lubang type of Parker
This wan .... also applies especially to the kancil or kelisa owners. Its not a parking lot. But there is space. They will definitely squeeze their blady cars inside. Janji ada lubang mah.
The "You Don't Know How to Drive" Type of Parker
Not the Parker don't know how to drive. But the other cars. This puki tiang parker will park his car in such a spot that other cars will have problems making turns or making maneuvers. What he doesn't know that it makes it difficult for people to move or to turn. This puki tiang parker is probably sitting somewhere watching you and commenting that you are some stupid farker who just passed your driving license and don't know how to drive properly.
The Masturbating Parker
I call them masturbating 'cos I really don't know what the fark they are doing inside the car. You are looking for a parking and you see them getting into their car. So you go, "Whoooopeee!!! I am so lucky today". Lucky my ass! You put your signal and wait. 5 minutes later, you still see movement inside the car but the car still has not reversed out. What da fark is he doing inside? Sometimes you even see that tibai fark making a phone call. He sees you and he continues talking. You wait. Best part is, there is a long queue of cars behind you as well. But you wait 'cos you "found" a parking. But the tibai fark takes ages to reverse out.
The other type of parker that is similar to this one is the I will take my time to load my stuff parker. You see this mah hai fella come out with a trolley full of groceries or shopping and loads it into his car with such care and skill like he was loading 1,000 eggs into the car. He even re-arranges what he has loaded. Sometimes, the tibai fark even re-arrange the contents of the plastic bag, moving some items from this bag to that bag and vice versa. You feel like getting out of your car and bash him with your steering lock, load him into the car and drive the car out and you drive your car inside.
The "I won't tell you where I park" type of parker
These are the ones you see walking out of a mall with their shopping bags and car keys in their hands. Very obvious they are leaving. Its either you tail them or you wait in the car with your signal lights on. Sometimes you gesture in your car and asks "where is your car? are you leaving?" Either these dumb farks ignore you OR they wave back and say no no. But then, their car was parked just behind you and as you leave to look for another car park ... they get in and drive off! Mah hai!
The Dumb and Deserved to be mowed down type of Parker
This kan ni neh is the one who sees you and ignores you. You see him carrying loads of stuff to load into his car. You put your signal, sighs a big sigh of relief and wait. He loads. He rearranges. He looks at you. You are just so relieved that you found a parking space. He continues loading. He continues rearranging. 5 minutes later he closes the boot. He presses the alarm. "chuit chuit" it goes. He looks and you and waves, "sorry I am not leaving" and walks back into the mall. Your reaction? AAAARRRGGGHHH!!!! KAN NI NA BU CHAO TIBAI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You step out of your car, take your steering lock and throw it like a javelin at the driver. Then you drive away. Haha.
The Double Parker
Need I say more? These are the kan ni neh farks that double parks and walks into a shop 500m away and forgets that he has double parked. You go to your car and sees someone blocking you. You blast your horn. Honk honk HOOOOOOONKKKKK!!!! No one comes out. The better ones actually leave their phone numbers behind. The idiots ... they just don't come out. You feel like taking out your steering wheel lock and stand guard and wait until the mutha farker comes out and you will bash his brains out. Half an hour of honking later, you see him running out waving sorry sorry and you just sigh a big sigh of relief and cursing your own bad luck instead of bashing him with your lock. Some even better. You blast your honk for 10 minutes. The guy comes out of a shop 500m away. He takes his own sweet time to swagger over to his car. Another 5 minutes. He stops by the van that sells soya bean. Tah pau soya bean some more. Then swaggers over and waves sorry. He gets into his car and drives off. You are just so dumb farked that you feel like hitting yourself with the lock.
The Gangster Parker
You see someone leaving. You put your signal. You wait. When the car leaves, sometimes you try to reverse in. Even before you engage your gears, this farker drove right in and parked. You stare at him. He comes out of his car. Tattoo all over. Ciggy in mouth. He stares back. WHAT? He shouts. You just drive on quietly .... BUT ... you sneak back later and scratch his car with a coin. HAHAHA
The Cock-eye parker
This is the one that cannot park straight. Actually takes up 2 parking lots. Maybe he pays double the parking rate? I don't know. Sometimes you feel like scratching his car with a coin and say "PLEASE PARK STRAIGHT YOU COCK EYE MUTHA FARKER!"
The tibai motorcyles
These are the pundeks that park their motorcycles in a car park bay. One motorcycle. Parked right inside in the middle. You just come out and try to push his bike away .... its locked. You push push ... you get fed-up and decides to just push the bike over, kick the bike and then drive away.
Finally ... the What da fark type of Parker
That's me. I see all the above all the time and I just go .... WHAT DA FARK???!! Sighs .... Actually, there's more than the above type of parkers. I better get back to working now. I am sure you know what other type of parkers are out there.
The Kiasu Type Parker
This type of kiasu parker are the ones who goes round and round (not the whole parking lot) but in front of the entrances. They must park as near as possible to the entrance. Especially if its at the first level. Cannot go B2 or B3. Must always be B1 and must always be as close as possible to the entrance or to the lift. If there is a parking lot right in front of the door, I am sure they will wait for it to be vacant. Can't understand this kind of pundek. They are willing to sit in the car and wait until its vacant or just go around until someone leaves. They have so much time to burn on their hands.
The Why da dark Must I pay for parking type of Parker
These are the kan ni nehs that parked outside by the road. Even if its illegal, they will still risk it. Why must I pay RM1.00 for parking when I can park outside for free. Wonder what they say when they receive the saman. Probably cursed and swear at the cops who ticketed him and then blames the government for corruption and mismanagement etc etc etc. Bitch bitch bitch and then he will swear that he will vote for the opposition party at the next election. And if his car gets stolen, he will also vote for the opposition party and blame the cops for being lazy. What you should do? If all these cars are causing traffic to slow down, suggest you drive by with your windows down, hold a coin and stick out your hand and just drive by. Try to get a straight line from one car to the other. Its not easy you know to draw straight line.
The Trickster type of Parker
Ah ... this wan .... the best way to describe these parkers are the kancil or kelisa owners. They park their cars sooooooo farking deep into the lot, you can't see the car's ass or the car. You drive into a parking area and see an "empty" slot. You tekan your gas to go there, put signal, turn your steering wheel just to see that there is a kancil or a kelisa inside. TIU NIA SENG!
The Janji Ada Lubang type of Parker
This wan .... also applies especially to the kancil or kelisa owners. Its not a parking lot. But there is space. They will definitely squeeze their blady cars inside. Janji ada lubang mah.
The "You Don't Know How to Drive" Type of Parker
Not the Parker don't know how to drive. But the other cars. This puki tiang parker will park his car in such a spot that other cars will have problems making turns or making maneuvers. What he doesn't know that it makes it difficult for people to move or to turn. This puki tiang parker is probably sitting somewhere watching you and commenting that you are some stupid farker who just passed your driving license and don't know how to drive properly.
The Masturbating Parker
I call them masturbating 'cos I really don't know what the fark they are doing inside the car. You are looking for a parking and you see them getting into their car. So you go, "Whoooopeee!!! I am so lucky today". Lucky my ass! You put your signal and wait. 5 minutes later, you still see movement inside the car but the car still has not reversed out. What da fark is he doing inside? Sometimes you even see that tibai fark making a phone call. He sees you and he continues talking. You wait. Best part is, there is a long queue of cars behind you as well. But you wait 'cos you "found" a parking. But the tibai fark takes ages to reverse out.
The other type of parker that is similar to this one is the I will take my time to load my stuff parker. You see this mah hai fella come out with a trolley full of groceries or shopping and loads it into his car with such care and skill like he was loading 1,000 eggs into the car. He even re-arranges what he has loaded. Sometimes, the tibai fark even re-arrange the contents of the plastic bag, moving some items from this bag to that bag and vice versa. You feel like getting out of your car and bash him with your steering lock, load him into the car and drive the car out and you drive your car inside.
The "I won't tell you where I park" type of parker
These are the ones you see walking out of a mall with their shopping bags and car keys in their hands. Very obvious they are leaving. Its either you tail them or you wait in the car with your signal lights on. Sometimes you gesture in your car and asks "where is your car? are you leaving?" Either these dumb farks ignore you OR they wave back and say no no. But then, their car was parked just behind you and as you leave to look for another car park ... they get in and drive off! Mah hai!
The Dumb and Deserved to be mowed down type of Parker
This kan ni neh is the one who sees you and ignores you. You see him carrying loads of stuff to load into his car. You put your signal, sighs a big sigh of relief and wait. He loads. He rearranges. He looks at you. You are just so relieved that you found a parking space. He continues loading. He continues rearranging. 5 minutes later he closes the boot. He presses the alarm. "chuit chuit" it goes. He looks and you and waves, "sorry I am not leaving" and walks back into the mall. Your reaction? AAAARRRGGGHHH!!!! KAN NI NA BU CHAO TIBAI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You step out of your car, take your steering lock and throw it like a javelin at the driver. Then you drive away. Haha.
The Double Parker
Need I say more? These are the kan ni neh farks that double parks and walks into a shop 500m away and forgets that he has double parked. You go to your car and sees someone blocking you. You blast your horn. Honk honk HOOOOOOONKKKKK!!!! No one comes out. The better ones actually leave their phone numbers behind. The idiots ... they just don't come out. You feel like taking out your steering wheel lock and stand guard and wait until the mutha farker comes out and you will bash his brains out. Half an hour of honking later, you see him running out waving sorry sorry and you just sigh a big sigh of relief and cursing your own bad luck instead of bashing him with your lock. Some even better. You blast your honk for 10 minutes. The guy comes out of a shop 500m away. He takes his own sweet time to swagger over to his car. Another 5 minutes. He stops by the van that sells soya bean. Tah pau soya bean some more. Then swaggers over and waves sorry. He gets into his car and drives off. You are just so dumb farked that you feel like hitting yourself with the lock.
The Gangster Parker
You see someone leaving. You put your signal. You wait. When the car leaves, sometimes you try to reverse in. Even before you engage your gears, this farker drove right in and parked. You stare at him. He comes out of his car. Tattoo all over. Ciggy in mouth. He stares back. WHAT? He shouts. You just drive on quietly .... BUT ... you sneak back later and scratch his car with a coin. HAHAHA
The Cock-eye parker
This is the one that cannot park straight. Actually takes up 2 parking lots. Maybe he pays double the parking rate? I don't know. Sometimes you feel like scratching his car with a coin and say "PLEASE PARK STRAIGHT YOU COCK EYE MUTHA FARKER!"
The tibai motorcyles
These are the pundeks that park their motorcycles in a car park bay. One motorcycle. Parked right inside in the middle. You just come out and try to push his bike away .... its locked. You push push ... you get fed-up and decides to just push the bike over, kick the bike and then drive away.
Finally ... the What da fark type of Parker
That's me. I see all the above all the time and I just go .... WHAT DA FARK???!! Sighs .... Actually, there's more than the above type of parkers. I better get back to working now. I am sure you know what other type of parkers are out there.
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