Lembu's Blogs

Blogging

2008-06-12T14:12:00.002+08:00

Wow ... I last blogged in November 2007.

That's a friggin' long time. Time really flies. Especially when you are so friggin' busy.

It looks like everyone has jumped onto the blogging band wagon. Every farks seem to have something to say. Farks. Even a 7 year old kid is blogging away. Maybe I should blog about what goes on in my mind when I am just a 7 year old. But then again, I can't remember much about what was happening to me when I was 7 year old.

And since I can't friggin much remember ... I take it that I have had a very bad child-hood. Bad in what sense? I don't know. Why I don't know? 'Cos I can't farking remember!

Well enough for today. Thought I would try and kick start my blogs again. But seeing every farker is blogging about every damn thing, makes me wonder ... what's there to blog anymore?

The Broom

2007-11-14T08:51:00.001+08:00

Some of you may have read about our Menteri Besar awarding a broom to state government agencies for not performing well enough.

Today, in the newspapers, you get people bitching and complaining that it was not appropriate to do so and the Menteri Besar should have found other ways to tell the agency to buck up.

FARK THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If you cant farking take the criticism, farking work your ass off!

I honestly think its a damn good idea. If they have done their jobs, they need not worry about embarassment or criticism. In bahasa, its called, TAHU MALU PUN!

Astro new 3 digits channel

2007-11-13T08:40:00.000+08:00

Astro recently "upgraded" their system and as a result, all the channels now are in 3 digits.

I hear people bitching about having to remember the new channel numbers. That goes to show this dumb farks got nothing better to do but watch tv at home. If some of you dont know, the tv is also known as the idiot box. But then again, in this age and era with discovery channels and national geographic channels... its no longer as idiotic as it was.

Why am I blogging about the 3 digits? Frankly, Astro are idiots as well. They forgot about our senior citizens. The geriatics. I should call Astro ANTI-GERIATIC.

Why?

Take for example. My mum. She is old. Have poor eye sight. Uses bi-focals. And over the years ... her hands developed arthritis.

Now picture this. She wants to change channel. She has to pick up that dumb remote. She has to bring it up close to her face to look at the numbers there. By virtue of doing so, she is no longer pointing the remote towards the decoder unit. So if she is not pointing at it but virtually pointing it towards the ceiling, how do you think the remote can change the channel?

Next, with her arthritic fingers, she tries to press the numbers. By the time she try to press the 3rd digit, astro will display a message for the 2 digit numbers and say no such channel.

Imagine this. Bring remote close to the eyes. See 1 number. Point to decoder. Press. Bring remote to eyes. Try to see another number. Point to decoder. Press. Then quickly with arthritic fingers try to press 3rd digit. Yup ... there you go, no friggin way she can get to the channel in time. Imagine her frustration.

So Astro ... thanks for being such an ass. I have to tell my mum, stick to one channel or just press the + or - on the remote to change channels. Thank goodness all the chinese drama channels are located next to each other. Otherwise, there will be lots of + and - to press to channel surf.

Such Difficult Choice/Decision

2007-11-03T16:10:00.000+08:00

Yeah yeah. Its been a while since I blogged. Busy with work. Busy with facebook. Every night my werewolf's hairy ass gets kicked by Han's friggin zombie. Bastard. Must bite his zombie's ass back. Give him a mauling.

Anyway ... I thought I have to blog today. Must keep up the blog. I wonder if I can blog from my facebook? Perhaps I can migrate all this shit there? Anyone know how?

So ... what to blog about? Ah yes. Decisions, decisions, decisions.

I was walking around at the mall and I saw the tv at the video shop showing Transformers. Cool ... finally the original copies are out. I walked into the shop. Looked for the Dvds. Found them. Picked them up. Saw them. Saw price. Threw it back.

It wasn't such a difficult decision after all. There was 2 packaging. One, RM69.90. The other, RM99.90. So you tell me ... do I buy the Dvds? FARKING NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No matter what kind of a fanatic or psychotic fan that I am, I am not going to farking pay RM99.90 for a Dvd. My opinion, they are farking stupid. Farking stupid and farking greedy. Just because the cinema sales was high, they might think people would be grabbing the dvds at RM99.90. Ok ok .... I am making an assumption here. Assume = Making an "ASS" out of "U" and "ME". Perhaps there are enough mad farkers who will pay RM99.90 for a dvd.

I wont.

The Tele-Marketeer

2007-09-21T09:13:00.000+08:00

Whoa ... I have not blogged for a while. Been busy with facebook. Damn thing is friggin addictive. So ... kinda neglected this blog for a bit.

I had one of the worse telemarketeer calling me yesterday. You know, those guys or gals that calls you from banks or credit card companies? Well, this one is quite a champion ...

Caller: Hello Sir.

Me: Yes?

Caller: (mumbled) here

Me: Huh?

Caller: (mumble) (mumble)

Me: Sorry. who are you?

Caller: Siva here. Siva. Siva.

Me: Siva?

Caller: Yes sir. Siva from xxxx bank sir.

Me: Ok .....?

Caller: Ah Sir, can I talk to you?

Me: errrr .... you are already talking to me?

Caller: Sorry sir, are you busy?

Me: No. Please talk.

Caller: Sir, we got personal loan. You want or not?

Me: (laughing to myself) sorry ... WHAT loan?

Caller: Personal loan sir. you want or not?

Me: Hello! you calling from bank or Ah Long?

Caller: No no. Not ah long sir. Bank sir.

Me: But the way you ask macam like ah long like that.

Caller: No sir. We are bank sir. So you want loan or not?

Me: Its ok. No thank you. Bye bye.

I can't believe this guy. Did the bank or his supervisors actually teach him how to speak to people over the phone? Farks .... you want loan or not. Well, at least he got straight to the point.

The "TOR" & the "TEE"

2007-09-04T21:31:00.000+08:00

Ah .... Guru Lembu will try to be Lembu-pedia today ...

The "TOR" or the "OR" - always used when you give.

The "TEE" or the "EE" - always used when you receive.

Example. The PENETRATOR - the person who penetrates i.e. the farker or if you want to call him or her, the farkor also can. This is when you give.

The PENETRATEE - ahem, this is the person who gets penetrated i.e. the farkee. Heh heh.

Which brings Guru Lembu to his favorite question ... I mean, the following is a theory of Guru Lembu. You try it on your friends, especially the guys.

Ask any guy, if during sex, would he prefer to be a PENETRATOR or a PENETRATEE. My theory is, a REAL MAN would immediately say, what da fark? of course lah PENETRATOR!!!
Agree?

But if your friend actually take some time to think about it and then give you an answer .... BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH ... me theory is, he has a dark side waiting to cross over. This theory of course applies to guys. If the girl responds immediately and say PENETRATOR, we know that she is the dominant one lah. If she thinks about it, means she is thinking ... hmmm... what would it be like if I am the one thrusting and penetrating ...?

Anyway ... dats me Guru Lembu theory. Try it on guys. See how long they take to answer... and if they do take a long time to answer (or rather does not answer immediately) ask him, what's with the doubt? Why this kind of thing also need to think wan is it?

IT

2007-09-03T09:33:00.001+08:00

IT. Information Technology. Or is it ... Idiot's Tests? It should have been ITT. Idiot's Trials & Tribulations.

I never thought I am the IT kinda person. But I recently found out that there are people out there ... that are much much worse off than me.

A friend of mine recently called me and said, ey, Lembu, can you help out a friend of mine with some IT stuff.

I was like ... HUH? Dei ... since when I am IT expert?

Friend went, can lah .... I also IT buta wan. I think these are simple stuff. Just that my friend left a MNC and is working as a consultant right now and is having some problems with her notebook.

So I said, ok .... must be quite a challenge then. A former MNC employee and now a consultant. I really think she should get a real IT guy. Not me. Heck ... I only use word processor i.e. Microsoft Word @ work!!!! How da fark am I suppose to help this person.

Now ... the first time I helped her ... well, she is in her late 30s. And yes, I am very amazed that people nowadays don't know how to install software into their notebook. So ... nevermind. I helped. I thought that was it. There were many other occassions which I had to help with her notebook and then one day ... the ultimate question was posed to me.

Q: errr... u know, I have thousands of emails in my outlook and I think its too much already.

Me: huh? just delete lah.

Q: oh.... can delete ah?

Me: (duh silently to myself) errrr... yup. You see your outlook ... there is a delete function.

Q: oh ... thanks thanks.

1 MONTH later .......

Q: hello?

Me: yup?

Q: you know, my email ...

Me: why? cannot receive?

Q: no no. last time I delete all my emails ... they are still not deleted. they are all still there ..

Me: HUH? Errr ... you click on the mail, then you click delete .... riiiiiggggght?

Q: yah yah. I did that. but then hor ... all the mails I deleted are still there in my outlook

Me: huh?

Q: yah ... instead of deleting, the mails all went into the deleted folder

Me: (smashing my head against my table) errrr .... from inbox, you delete, it goes to deleted folder. once you are sure you don't want them anymore, then you delete it from the deleted folder ...

Q: oh. so troublesome. why this outlook so stupid. must delete so many times. Anyway, thanks ok? such a stupid program. must delete twice... so stupid

Me: errr ... ok. bye ... have fun with your emails. bye

Sighhhhhhhsss .... and I thought my IT is bad.

Happy Birthday

2007-08-31T00:01:00.000+08:00

HAPPY 50TH BIRTHDAY MALAYSIA!

A Beach Bug

2007-08-27T07:49:00.000+08:00

I am a beach bug. I am trying to find the words or the expression to express how I feel about being a beach bug. I am a chinaman but yet, I love getting a nice sun tan. Yeah yeah, I know about the ozone layer and the skin cancer shit. But ... getting a sun tan seems more fun. Usually I would burn myself so bad that by the 2nd day at the beach, I would be roasted. Red as a lobster and I wont even be able to lie down on any side. Once I was burnt so badly I was even peeling at the scalp.

What's with the beaches? I don't know. There's something there that attracts me. Besides the women in bikini of course. Haha. There's both peace, thrills and also mystery when it comes to the beach and the sea. I am actually very disdain and cynical about people going to the beaches. In fact, some people should not even be there.

Who are these people? Friggin tourist whom just want to see the "beauty" of the island or the beach. But, do they really see it? Or, its just because they have been in the city for so long, any friggin beach resort would look nice to them. Do they feel the peace? Do they feel the beauty instead of seeing it?

I see morons and idiots who go to the islands and stay away from the sun. I hear idiots complaining about the heat or even the sticky sweat that runs down their body and getting sand stuck all over them. Sheesh ... why were they there in the first place?

The best part is when you go snorkelling. This is what I see during peak season. Say the coming long merdeka weekend. You see people, floating like thousands of cork .... snorkelling it seems. You can tell the real snorkellers from the tourists. The real mccoys don't snorkel with life jackets on. Ok ok ... sometimes when I get too tired of swimming around, I will just grab a life jacket just to float around lazily. The worse are those who are afraid of skin cancer ... they go snorkelling wearing long track pants & long sleeves shirts. Yeah ... go figure. I see girls hiding in the shadows and not snorkelling. Some brought their umbrellas along. And when they go home, they said the island is soooo beautiful. They had a good time. Doing what? Hiding in the shade?

Enuff bitching about all these posers. 'Till the next blog, have a beachy good time. By the way, the picture I took was a deco put up by the beach resort at night. Everyone just wined and dined on the beach. I was just imagining ... when I was munching down on my seafood, what if a tsunami wave hits?

Being a Dad

2007-08-26T20:58:00.000+08:00

Hello readers or fans of me blog.

Yes ... it has been a while since me last blog. And some of you already know, baby lembu came out earlier this month of August ... and the feeling is .................... overwhelming.

Its still sinking in, being a daddy and all. I do realised now ... I have really really lost the space and the freedom in my life. But I have to come to terms with it. And ... its really worth it. Tho' honestly, sometimes I tend to dream again ... about my dreams and the "to infinity and beyond"

When I say its really worth it, its a totally different feeling holding the little guy in your arms. At work, you just wana go home and watch him sleep or harass him a little. Wake him up so that can cradle him in your arms again. Why do I do all this? I have this thing in my mind ... carpe diem! seize the day now. He is that cute little fella now. Very soon he will grow much bigger and its going to be really tiring to be carrying him. Next thing you know, he will be driving you up the walls. And later, he won't even want you to touch him. And next, he will be rebelling against you. So ... seize the day!

I will miss my islands and my beaches. I will miss the waves and the open air. The breeze. The salty sea air ... well, I will blog about all these later. For now ... its cleaning his poop time. Lil fella has been screaming for the past 30 seconds. Will let him scream a bit more to make sure he has fully shat.

Until the next blog ... which I hope will be soon ... remember to Seize the Day! Carpe Diem.

Aim lah ...

2007-07-31T16:06:00.000+08:00

A customer of mine was at my office and he asked me if he could use the gent's room. Told him where the toilet was and off he went. Couple of minutes later he came back and sat down in the conference room. And then my turn pulak. Tank full. Need to go and empty it. So I went to the toilet.

Kan ni neh ... that pundek seriously has aiming issues. And I think he has some serious health problems as well. No. 1 .... he did not lift the cover. Never mind. No. 2 - He kencing also not straight. Can see the yellow spots of the kencing all over the cover. Damn this guy. Finish kencing already also never clean up. Tiu. Must go out and tiau that fella.

Me: Dei macha ....

Client: yup?

Me: you ah ... you cock eye or what? kan ni neh, when you kencing, aim-lah sikit. what lah you! either that, your cock got parkinson disease is it? shaking all the time?

Client: why lah?

Me: your kencing lah. spray all over the place. aim-lah center. toilet bowl so big, your cock so small ... tiu, you spray until everywhere ... i can see all your yellow kencing spots everywhere. what you doing lah? marking your spot kah? or you playing firemen. spray left right left right. farrrgs!

Client: no lah. u see my eyes. where got cock eye? and where got cock got parkinson disease wan? Got wan ah? I thought hands only shaking?

Me: how I know? I not doctor what. if not cock eye, not parkinson, then what? your cock like those porn star wan is it? bengkok wan ah? like boomerang shape? or like hook shape? tiu ... if your cock not straight, then you stand sideways lah sikit so can aim your kencing properly...

Client: aiyo. sorry lah.

Me: sorry sorry. next time i put one funnel in my toilet. when you want to kencing, cup the damn funnel up your crotch, stick your cock inside and then only kencing.

Client: haha. ok lah. next time i aim properly.

Farrrgs. I think most of you guys agree with me on this. Some dumb fargs just don't care how to kencing straight.

Wah Lau Eh ...

2007-07-24T09:24:00.000+08:00

I haven't blogged about this .... but yeah, baby lembu is coming. In fact, baby lembu is coming out soon! That little monster has caused havoc in my life but I suppose that's what people say, That's Life!

I don't know how to start. When wifey told me that baby lembu was there, I was speechless. No I didn't faint. Anyway ... it was a lot of mixed feelings.

Why I am blogging about it? Actually, I am blogging more on the commercial side of it all. I just realised three things, if you want to get filthy rich, No. 1 Sell Slimming Products to Fat Ass Women, or No. 2 Sell Whitening Cream to those already "Pak Cham Kai" (Steamed White Chicken) Women or ... if you think you are too nobel to be doing No. 1 and No. 2 or you might get karma, you go into No. 3, sell baby stuff.

Since baby lembu is going to come out soon, wifey and I went shopping for his stuff. And man, was I shocked out of my cow hide. Friggin things are so friggin expensive. Take for example, his socks. Kan ni neh, one teeeny tiny pair of socks costs RM6.90!!!! Farks. Its even more expensive than my socks. Hell, in fact, my socks costs like RM10.90 for 3 pairs!!! What da fark man. Its not like them socks have microchips or circuits inside them. And worse part is, you know that those socks won't fit baby lembu in 3 months time. Sheesh ....

And since its your own baby lembu, you can't help but think of safety safety safety. And precisely based on this, them farkers charge you an arm and a leg. Example, strollers. Out of curiosity, I looked at the strollers. Well, some are so friggin cheap you tend to doubt it. You know lah .. the old saying, "Cheap Things No Good, Good Things No Cheap, Best Things in Life are Free" But when you look at some of the expensive range strollers .... my eyes popped out and my jaw dropped. Damn thing can come up to more than RM1,000!!!! Farks! When the sales attendant came and ask me if I needed assistance, I asked, "Miss, where do I put petrol for this? Got remote control ah?" She gives me that blur look. Farks, for this price, damn stroller better be able to transform into an autobot or decepticon or have some missile launchers where I can shoot some missiles up someone's ass if they are blocking me.

My wallet is still bleeding and I believe ... its going to bleed some more. Sighs ....

Green

2007-07-23T09:11:00.000+08:00

Whew ... been a really rough week. Looks like I didn't manage to post any blog at all for the past week.

Here's some pictures I took recently. Its nothing much ... but because I used to hike a lot, views like these makes you go "sighs ......" Its best viewed from the mountain top. Each time I hike, I used to curse .... every damn language that I know, you will hear the foul words. Mandarin, Cantonese, Hokkien, English, Malay, Tamil ... whatever. Just curse and swear as you hike up the mountain with 15kg on your back. I always swear that I will never go back again but its always the same, couple of weeks after I come down, I will go up another mountain.

Its been hard the past 7 years or so ... ever since my knee surgery. I feel miserable that I can't hike or climb anymore. Well ... hopefully one day I will be able to go back to hiking, climbing and playing b-ball.

Reflexology

2007-07-13T08:11:00.000+08:00

I was away for a short break sometime ago. Decided that I need to get some cool fresh air. So I took wifey and drove up to Camerons just for the weekend. Left early saturday morning and came back down again on Sunday. That place brings back some overwhelming emotional feelings for me. I used to hike a lot. Hiking up mountains and just looking at the green scenery around you is .... simply amazing. Ever since my knee got busted up so badly ... I have not hiked for the past ... 8 years? That's a long time. So when I drove up there, I got a little emo about it. Besides, Camerons is a very small town, time slows down over here. Back in KL, I would be friggin' stressed out but once you drive into Brinchang or Tanah Rata, you will feel the difference.

Anyway, while I was in Camerons, I decided to try out this reflexology place in Tanah Rata. Foot massage. I have tried foot massage before but this one .... well, here's the blog:

Uncle: (while massaging me hooves) young man, pain ah?

Me: (winced) a bit lah

Uncle: (squeezed my big toe) pain ah?

Me: errr ... a bit

Uncle: (massaged the big toe harder) now?

Me: Yup. pain (kan ni neh ... i cursed quietly)

Uncle: you have sleep problems. you get a lot of headache

Me: (thought to myself - fark, he's right) errrr.... something like that lah (still wincing)

Uncle: (massaged other area) - young man, don't smoke so much. your lungs not so good

Me: Huh? Uncle. I don't smoke lah. (fark - now he is wrong)

Uncle: huh? cannot be? something not right. your lungs not so good.

Me: mumble ...

Uncle: you have knee problems

Me: yup. very obvious mah. damn big scar there

Uncle: (dug deep into my foot with his knuckles) here .... your knee problems

Me: OW!!!

Uncle: heh heh

Me: (bastard)

Uncle: (massage massage) you have liver problems also. don't drink so much

Me: ok (ow ow ow)

Uncle: young man, your digestive system also not very good ah ...

Me: huh? no what. I shit every day. A lot of shit some more

Uncle: not very good lah your intestines ...

Me: ok

Uncle: don't take so much sugar. see this part here (he massaged harder) ...

Me: ow ow ow

Uncle: ah see, cut down on sugar

Me: ok ok

Uncle: hmmmm .... your lower back is not very good as well. very strained. i help you massage harder here ...

Me: AAAAAAARRRRGGHHHH!!!!

Uncle: heh heh

Me: (bastard bastard ... farking hell, pay him to torture me, tibai betuih)

Uncle: hmmm ... your heart also not very good shape. young man you must exercise more

Me: uncle ... you see my knee, how to exercise?

Uncle: then go foot reflexology more, can help. hahaha

Me: ugh.... ow ow ow

Uncle: I massage your toe more now. your headache and insomnia very bad. harder ok?

Me: err... ok ..... AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGGHHHHHHH!!!!

Uncle: heh heh

Uncle: (massage other parts of foot) hmmm... your uric acid also quite high. your joints must be pain especially your knee

Me: ey ... uncle, you know ah, the way you tell me that I have all these problems .... wah lau, macamlah I am soooooo damaged like that ...

Uncle: true what. haha

Me: fark ... mumble mumble ow ow ow ...

Uncle: don't worry, tonight you will sleep better.

True enough ... I slept better that night. Haven't had a peaceful sleep for a long time. Well ... it was only for that night. Next night it was back to normal again. Sighs.

Anyway, if any of you goes to Camerons, do give it a try. That uncle is good. The place is in Tanah Rata.

Plain Wrong ... Its Just So Wrong

2007-07-10T15:35:00.000+08:00

Some people just have no fashion sense. But wait ... before I show you all "THE PHOTO", I am not that kind of pervert ok? Kan Ni Neh you all ... don't think until like that. I just couldn't help it but had to take this photo so that Guru Lembu can educate you all.

Nowadays people especially the chicks love to wear low cut pants. Especially when they sit down, you can see their the top of their undies or boxers or lingerie. I tell you hot chicks now ... not every hot chick can pull it off. So for those who think that you have the "self confidence" to pull it off, think again. You make some people puke because of your stupid "self-confidence" beliefs.

No. 1 - to pull it off and have guys salivating over the "exposed" view, you need to have the perfect shape. Flat asses, Fat asses etc do not come within this definition. Hips and Asses that are shaped like amoebas are also not within this definition.

No. 2 - to be able to really really pull it off, you gotta have those dimples. You know, some women have those dimples at the back? Man ... I get turned on when I see those. For those flat ones .... yeah, you can try to wear low cut jeans or pants etc but make sure you have the shape.

No. 3 - the undies. Damn ... you better be wearing thongs or lacy types. Fark ... some guys might just get a hard on when they see it. For those hip-hop member, I know you guys usually wear boxers. Still can lah, all depends on your target audience. Do not wear lah "spender" longgar all. Especially those where the elastic band already loose or worn out.

BUT THE WORSE .... DON'T LAH WEAR WRONG UNDIES. Already Fail No. 1 - No Shape. Fail No. 2 - No dimples. No. 3 - you wear lah some nice lacy undies or thongs... But this particular one I saw .... CHAMPION OF THE CHAMPIONS. I saw it at a restaurant and what more can I say .... Just no appetite to makan anymore after that. See for yourself - picture below.

Hah .... you see that or not? PAPER UNDERWEAR WOI! DISPOSABLES. Kan ni neh betuih. Really spoil everything.

Sorry ... I know ... not good to take pictures like that, but how lah. Cannot tahan man. You see also you want to go there and instead of giving a wedgy, you want to tear it "along the dotted lines" BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Back When There Was No PS2 - Part II

2007-07-09T09:19:00.000+08:00

Back in those days, we were already damn friggin competitive. Every game we play is a competition. Hell, even when we are bored shitless, we will find something to play and compete on. You might say some of these are unconventional but I bet you don't find these games on PS2.

The Spitting Game

Yes, spit and phlegm. One of our favorites. My buddies and I would sometimes try to spit and see who can spit the furthest. That's one competition. We will all stand in a line and spit. Ptooooi! Then we see whose spit lands the furthest. Not easy you know. It has skills for you to learn. The angle you ptooi out. The way you turn your head and fling your head forward and the timing you release your spit ... all makes a difference how far your spit will land.

Other than that, we will all stand on top of first floor or second floor or on a pedestrian bridge. Then we try spitting down. The objective? See whose spit can make the biggest splatter. SPLAT! Then we go down and see, who has the biggest spit. This also need skill. You need to accumulate all your spit and spit it out slowly pppppppppppppptooi! Then it falls down like a big droplet of water.

Last, we spit on the wall. If got phlegm, even better. KUAAAAAKKKKK .... PTOOOOI! SPLAT! the spit hits the wall. Then we see .... whose spit can stay longer on the wall. We even time it. Then we see whose spit can drip down slower or faster etc. We would also see who has the most phlegm and whose phlegm is greener than the other. This game is best played when someone has the flu.

The Pissing Game

Ahh ... this one, we all stand in a line. So many ways to compete. Of course, the usual is see who can shoot the furthest. One thing we all learned ... the bugger with the circumcised cock tend to shoot the furthest. So for those still with foreskin .... we tell them to pull it back and true enough, it does shoot further. Haha.

The Shitting Game

Well .... you really don't want to know about this ... HAHAHAHA

Back When There Was No PS2

2007-07-04T10:23:00.000+08:00

I received an email recently ... about what we kids used to do back in those days when there was no such thing as PS2. Closest thing was this friggin thing called the game & watch. My favorite was still the western bar. Haha.

Ok ok ... I am old. I admit it. In fact I feel friggin' old. Especially after I read that email. What more watching transformers the other day. It reminded me ... back in those days, we were always outside playing. Hell, my parents used to resort to caning or locking me in the house and throwing the keys away just to keep me at home. But nowadays, damn kids refuse to go out and play. You probably have to cane them to get them out of the house. Kan ni neh .... Ini semua pasal itu computer and PS2.

I can try and recall as many things as possible things that kept us entertained and busy ... but this blog will be friggin long then.

Well ... one of the things we enjoyed having a laugh was fish. Fishing is one thing. Laughing at it is another. You know ... all the terrace houses has a porch and back in those days, most people have their fish tanks or aquariums outside the house. Right at the porch and parked next to it is the family car.

One of my buddy's house has this typical set up. Fish tank outside. Fishies swimming inside. Whenever I go over to his house and see his dad's or his mum's car there, I get this itchy feeling and evil gleam in my eyes. He knows it and we always run into the store room to grab 2 wires. We will run back to the porch, pop the hood and hook the wires to the car battery and the other end of the wires ..... heh heh. We hold it. One guy starts the car. The other guy slowly dips the wires into the water and we watch the fishies swim in spasms .... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

If not car battery ... it even works with motorcycle batteries or even normal batteries. Hell ... that big battery for those big "dolphin" torchlights also can.

Better than PS2 anytime ...

Murphy Again

2007-07-03T22:59:00.000+08:00

I seriously think I should call myself Murphy Lembu or Lembu Murphy. Murphy as in Murphy's Laws. And sometimes I do think the Big Guy up there plays tricks on me.

Take this for example ... last Sunday I went to 1 Utama. I was there at 11.30am. Guess what? No parking. No friggin place to park. I drove round and round the car parks from new wing to old wing and from old wing back to new wing ... no friggin car park. Farks ... I went from basement 1 to basement 2, went to upper levels, went to roof top, went friggin everywhere ... no blady friggin car park!

But yet, I see lucky farks getting a spot. I just don't get it. This is big time trick already. I was just driving around looking for car park for almost 15 minutes. Still no car park. I see people walking out of their cars to the mall but yet ... I cannot get a place to park. Curses curses swear swear swear BITCH BITCH BITCH!!!

Damn farking GERAM!

I decided to idle. Where I idle, no one leaves. No one comes out. But I can see the other side, people leave. Fark. I changed places to idle. Waited. Fark. The place I waited just now, someone left and another person got the spot. TIU NIA SENG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok enuff idling ... I decided to tail people. Tail tail tail ... guess what? I tail them to a spot where people were already idling or waiting with their signals on. MAH TIBAI!

Fark it. I had enough. I left. Decided not to go 1U anymore. And to rub salt to the injury, I had to pay parking RM1.10. FARK FARK FARK!!!!!

Good Ones

2007-06-28T16:45:00.000+08:00

Received these thru' the email:

Blady Parkers!

2007-06-26T08:38:00.000+08:00

Yup, I really mean it. Nope, it wasn't a typo. Its not blady farkers. I really do mean to say blady parkers. And nope. I am not cursing peter parker or anyone parker pens. My parkers are those puki mak kan ni na bu chao tibai parkers who park their cars. Especially the Malaysia Boleh ones. Wifey always asked me why I get agitated whenever I go to a shopping mall, especially in the afternoon or in the evening. My answer is simple ... those blady parkers pisses me off.

The Kiasu Type Parker

This type of kiasu parker are the ones who goes round and round (not the whole parking lot) but in front of the entrances. They must park as near as possible to the entrance. Especially if its at the first level. Cannot go B2 or B3. Must always be B1 and must always be as close as possible to the entrance or to the lift. If there is a parking lot right in front of the door, I am sure they will wait for it to be vacant. Can't understand this kind of pundek. They are willing to sit in the car and wait until its vacant or just go around until someone leaves. They have so much time to burn on their hands.

The Why da dark Must I pay for parking type of Parker

These are the kan ni nehs that parked outside by the road. Even if its illegal, they will still risk it. Why must I pay RM1.00 for parking when I can park outside for free. Wonder what they say when they receive the saman. Probably cursed and swear at the cops who ticketed him and then blames the government for corruption and mismanagement etc etc etc. Bitch bitch bitch and then he will swear that he will vote for the opposition party at the next election. And if his car gets stolen, he will also vote for the opposition party and blame the cops for being lazy. What you should do? If all these cars are causing traffic to slow down, suggest you drive by with your windows down, hold a coin and stick out your hand and just drive by. Try to get a straight line from one car to the other. Its not easy you know to draw straight line.

The Trickster type of Parker

Ah ... this wan .... the best way to describe these parkers are the kancil or kelisa owners. They park their cars sooooooo farking deep into the lot, you can't see the car's ass or the car. You drive into a parking area and see an "empty" slot. You tekan your gas to go there, put signal, turn your steering wheel just to see that there is a kancil or a kelisa inside. TIU NIA SENG!

The Janji Ada Lubang type of Parker

This wan .... also applies especially to the kancil or kelisa owners. Its not a parking lot. But there is space. They will definitely squeeze their blady cars inside. Janji ada lubang mah.

The "You Don't Know How to Drive" Type of Parker

Not the Parker don't know how to drive. But the other cars. This puki tiang parker will park his car in such a spot that other cars will have problems making turns or making maneuvers. What he doesn't know that it makes it difficult for people to move or to turn. This puki tiang parker is probably sitting somewhere watching you and commenting that you are some stupid farker who just passed your driving license and don't know how to drive properly.

The Masturbating Parker

I call them masturbating 'cos I really don't know what the fark they are doing inside the car. You are looking for a parking and you see them getting into their car. So you go, "Whoooopeee!!! I am so lucky today". Lucky my ass! You put your signal and wait. 5 minutes later, you still see movement inside the car but the car still has not reversed out. What da fark is he doing inside? Sometimes you even see that tibai fark making a phone call. He sees you and he continues talking. You wait. Best part is, there is a long queue of cars behind you as well. But you wait 'cos you "found" a parking. But the tibai fark takes ages to reverse out.

The other type of parker that is similar to this one is the I will take my time to load my stuff parker. You see this mah hai fella come out with a trolley full of groceries or shopping and loads it into his car with such care and skill like he was loading 1,000 eggs into the car. He even re-arranges what he has loaded. Sometimes, the tibai fark even re-arrange the contents of the plastic bag, moving some items from this bag to that bag and vice versa. You feel like getting out of your car and bash him with your steering lock, load him into the car and drive the car out and you drive your car inside.

The "I won't tell you where I park" type of parker

These are the ones you see walking out of a mall with their shopping bags and car keys in their hands. Very obvious they are leaving. Its either you tail them or you wait in the car with your signal lights on. Sometimes you gesture in your car and asks "where is your car? are you leaving?" Either these dumb farks ignore you OR they wave back and say no no. But then, their car was parked just behind you and as you leave to look for another car park ... they get in and drive off! Mah hai!

The Dumb and Deserved to be mowed down type of Parker

This kan ni neh is the one who sees you and ignores you. You see him carrying loads of stuff to load into his car. You put your signal, sighs a big sigh of relief and wait. He loads. He rearranges. He looks at you. You are just so relieved that you found a parking space. He continues loading. He continues rearranging. 5 minutes later he closes the boot. He presses the alarm. "chuit chuit" it goes. He looks and you and waves, "sorry I am not leaving" and walks back into the mall. Your reaction? AAAARRRGGGHHH!!!! KAN NI NA BU CHAO TIBAI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You step out of your car, take your steering lock and throw it like a javelin at the driver. Then you drive away. Haha.

The Double Parker

Need I say more? These are the kan ni neh farks that double parks and walks into a shop 500m away and forgets that he has double parked. You go to your car and sees someone blocking you. You blast your horn. Honk honk HOOOOOOONKKKKK!!!! No one comes out. The better ones actually leave their phone numbers behind. The idiots ... they just don't come out. You feel like taking out your steering wheel lock and stand guard and wait until the mutha farker comes out and you will bash his brains out. Half an hour of honking later, you see him running out waving sorry sorry and you just sigh a big sigh of relief and cursing your own bad luck instead of bashing him with your lock. Some even better. You blast your honk for 10 minutes. The guy comes out of a shop 500m away. He takes his own sweet time to swagger over to his car. Another 5 minutes. He stops by the van that sells soya bean. Tah pau soya bean some more. Then swaggers over and waves sorry. He gets into his car and drives off. You are just so dumb farked that you feel like hitting yourself with the lock.

The Gangster Parker

You see someone leaving. You put your signal. You wait. When the car leaves, sometimes you try to reverse in. Even before you engage your gears, this farker drove right in and parked. You stare at him. He comes out of his car. Tattoo all over. Ciggy in mouth. He stares back. WHAT? He shouts. You just drive on quietly .... BUT ... you sneak back later and scratch his car with a coin. HAHAHA

The Cock-eye parker

This is the one that cannot park straight. Actually takes up 2 parking lots. Maybe he pays double the parking rate? I don't know. Sometimes you feel like scratching his car with a coin and say "PLEASE PARK STRAIGHT YOU COCK EYE MUTHA FARKER!"

The tibai motorcyles

These are the pundeks that park their motorcycles in a car park bay. One motorcycle. Parked right inside in the middle. You just come out and try to push his bike away .... its locked. You push push ... you get fed-up and decides to just push the bike over, kick the bike and then drive away.

Finally ... the What da fark type of Parker

That's me. I see all the above all the time and I just go .... WHAT DA FARK???!! Sighs .... Actually, there's more than the above type of parkers. I better get back to working now. I am sure you know what other type of parkers are out there.

I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-06-22T16:34:00.000+08:00

Guys .... I really really cannot believe this. Tibai Dave told me that me site has been blocked 'cos of offensive material. Adult & Nudity contents it seems. Some readers tell me I swear too much. Basically ... to summarize, my blog site is farking evil and perverted.

And GUESS WHAT? A simple mis-type or typo error of my URL leads to a site I can't friggin imagine it can even happen!!!!!!!!!!

Click and see for yourselves!

http://www.lembugila.blogpsot.com/

I know I am repeating myself like those dumb parrots or mynah birds. But ... between blogspot and blogpsot .... what is PSOT anyway???????? Please Say Other Things??? How can this happen??? WHY???? WHY??? And guess who discovered the site by accident? Me wifey. Of all people ... ME WIFEY!!! AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

Is this a SIGN? Fark me .... I am so dumb farked (ok ok ... if this is a sign, I am soooo dumb founded) now ...

WHAT THE *%@#!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ey Tibai Dave ..... since you can't visit me site at work, maybe you can visit the other site. M friggin sure it won't be blocked. In fact, I think its holistic for you. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Damn ... I am really gonna burn for this.....

Why foreigner?

2007-06-21T11:42:00.001+08:00

You know guys, lately there were a lot of shit about why more and more Malaysian men marry foreign women. Statistics show that the number of local men marrying foreign women has doubled. Well ... I am one of those men. Wifey is a foreigner.

The funny thing about all this hype and debate about foreign women is ... they think that some of the men are losers. Hence, no choice but gotta go "buy" a bride. Don't get me wrong here ... I didn't buy me wifey. We met at a friend's wedding. But ... what I am trying to say is, there are women and women groups whom I guess, feels better when they say such things that men here are blind, or they prefer submissive women or ... they are just not good enough for local women. Even certain quarters have said ... why must men marry foreigner? How the hell do you explain love? We are now living in a borderless world. Internet made everything borderless. We travel overseas for studies or for work. We communicate and deal with foreigners. Basically ... our pool or our choices have widened. Same goes for the women as well. Their choices have widened as well.

But our Gomen and people here ... as always have the same Malaysian mentality. Which is we must protect the locals. They encourage you to marry locals. Don't marry mat salleh etc. Oh yeah, they do have a genuine reason for making things difficult .... especially with immigration. They are trying their best to dig out sham marriages.

Ok ok ... enough with all these serious talk. Let me present my case using "visual" presentation on why ... just why we choose foreigner.

This is our Ms. Malaysia - representing our good old Malaysia.

ms malaysia source: msuniverse.com

And let's check out our neighbours .... no need go far far. Just around here will do ....

ms Thailand source: msuniverse.com

ms singapore source: msuniverse.com

ms philippines source: msuniverse.com

ms indonesia source: msuniverse.com

They say a picture speaks a thousand words. Need I say more? How to compete lah like that? Simple ... between all the chicks above ... would you still choose Ms Malaysia? Tiu ... ok-lah. I be fair today. Maybe bad angle the photograph. But look at her lah. Like some girl come out from kampung like that ... so excited kena take photograph. Pose lah sikit. You call that posing ... fark, I think I lamp posts are placed in better position than her.

And then ... people here complain Malaysian men desperate .... not good enough to marry local girl, have to find foreign girl .... TIU NIA SENG! Look lah above. Got choices mah. Kan ni neh. How in the world she became our Ms Malaysia in the first place? Fark ..... I think my tea aunty here didn't compete. If she compete, she would have beaten her. Tiu ... send horse there to compete also got better chance of winning.

Oh ... for those who thinks I am shallow ... FARK YOU! Representing us lah dei. Representing Malaysia. Send lah someone more geng chow. For those of you who thinks ... maybe it was her personality? Her character? Oh oh ... her BRAINS. They like smart women nowadays. DEI ... you guys forgot this is beauty pageant contest is it? All those probably score like only 5% of the overall points. Fark ... in fact, if they wanted Brains, do you need to farking ask stupid questions about the environment, the politics etc? Ask them to do MENSA tests lah. Better yet, sit down in classroom and do lah some exams. If its about Brains and character and personality, why the fark you want them to dress in swimsuit and walk around? Stop lying to yourselves!

Fark ... with a contestant like that, the Universe must be thinking ... wah lan neh, malaysian women like kena sai like that. Can't blame them you know. We were represented by one. Sighs ...

What Rubbish!

2007-06-17T08:09:00.000+08:00

WHAT THE????!!!

This was reported in the NST today …

http://www.nst.com.my/Current_News/NST/Sunday/Frontpage/20070617073824/Article/index_html

PAY AS YOU THROW

Just as in water, electricity and sewerage services, households that waste more will have to pay more.

Households will have to separate recyclable items from other waste.

Solid Waste Management Corporation to implement the proposed law.

Enforcement will be carried out by a new federal department.

source: freefoto.com photographer: ian britton

I can’t believe what I am reading. The idea may be noble and great. In fact, great idea! After all, we really need to protect our environment. But this? It worked in other countries but that doesn’t mean whatever that worked in other countries will work in Malaysia! And read the article … dumb farks are actually gonna pass the law first and then figure out a system???!!! Cool. This is just like shitting first then figuring out what to do with the shit.

And guess what? Its MALAYSIA BOLEH! Cos’ the moment they gonna start charging people on what they throw … rest assured you will find more rubbish in the Klang / Gombak river. Our longkang will be filled with rubbish. People will find ways and places to throw rubbish without having to pay. THAT’S WHAT IS GONNA HAPPEN YOU STUPID DUMB FARKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ok ok … I should reserve my judgment and comments until some system comes out.

But what system? We have condos, houses, kampungs & squatters. We have rented premises. Oh … I forgot. They gotta buy bins, equipments … I wonder who is gonna earn big time now. New enforcement agency? HAH! That spells 2 things: MORE ABUSE OF POWER, MORE CORRUPTION.

GOOD LUCK!

Trivial Matter

2007-06-13T18:39:00.000+08:00

I was very toxic with work ... working working working. Was gonna cough out blood soon as well when one of the lady staff walked in ...

Staff: Erm, can I take about 1 - 2 hours off?

Me: Huh? Why? Why ask me? Ask boss lah.

Staff: Boss not in. So ask you.

Me: Why?

Staff: See ... my shirt at the bottom here tore a bit. I want to go home and change.

Me: Eh ... small tear only what. Some more near the end of the shirt. Its ok wan lah. You sit down no one can see.

Staff: No-lah. This tear here can become bigger if not careful.

Me: Then you be careful-lah. Aiyo.

Staff: But if shirt tear some more and become bigger how?

Me: Aiyo ... you go and take cellophane tape and tape it lah. If not ... nah, here! Got stapler. You staple the lubang there ... so the lubang won't get bigger loh.

Staff: What? Where can? I want to go home and change.

Me: No need. Go home take 1-2 hours. Waste time. You don't have work to do meh?

Staff: Aiyo ... after man in office see how?

Me: Dei ... stop wasting my time. No man here want to see you. In fact, you should be happy that still got man want to see you ... means you still attractive mah. Understand?

She walked out sulking .... Tiu, I tell you, staff nowadays, all kinds of cock excuse.

Dumb

2007-06-11T12:37:00.000+08:00

Sometimes when you want to ask for something ... at least lah ask correctly. My colleague put this on her MSN personal message:-

"Donate for charity: donate a VIAO to the GT Foundation"

So what's a VIAO? How you do pronounce that? Wee-Ow? Haha. Yeah lah, I know she meant the vaio. But at least know lah the correct spelling. Its like those knock-offs in CCK (Chee Cheong Kai) (Petaling Street).

Adidos = Adidas.

Reebak = Reebok

Viao = Vaio

Hmmm ... maybe she really did meant a Viao from CCK. I won't be surprised ... you can get any knock-offs in CCK.

Offensive

2007-06-10T08:48:00.000+08:00

How can me blog be offensive? Damn tiu nia seng ... This is what Tibai Dave gets whenever he visits me blog. Tell me lah ... me blog got offensive meh? It says adult & nudity. Tiu .... where got nudity? I think his web administrator is damn "Tai Lan Ngong".

Idols

2007-05-31T23:09:00.000+08:00

I have never watched any of those idols idols show. I know about it. But never watched any of them. Yeah yeah ... loser right? Nah ... just never had any interest in any of those idols shit. Reality shows that I watched were amazing race and eco-challenge. And some other reality shows in that kind of genre.

Someone asked me today ... how did I go through life without watching a single episode of american idol. What kinda stupid dumb fark question is that? Plain no interest lah. That idiot then asked just what will interest me. Then it hit me. Pornstar Idol. Yeah .... is there such a reality show? Man, in this place where I live in, even french kissing is banned from tv. But, is there Pornstar Idol out there?

Man, that would be one reality show I would be glued to. Wonder what the parameters would be? Best farker? Most cum? Best Moaning and Groaning? I know there's pornstar awards and all but imagine ... a search for pornstar idol. Imagine standing in front of 3 judges and trying to convince them that you are pornstar material. So guys, any idea how Pornstar Idol should be done? Haha ...

Hmmmm.... its a very nice thought. Think I will stop now and go to bed with a large smile and a big hard on thinking about Pornstar Idols and how the reality show should be done ..... imagine myself as judge, wah lan neh ... nice, very nice. Even better ... imagine myself as contestant ...... cool ..... ok.. ok... nuff said. Hard on already. LOL!!!

Another Con

2007-05-30T14:49:00.000+08:00

Hey all .... been really busy. Normally I don't spam people with emails on what happened to their friends etc especially on stuff like being robbed, being conned, beware of women with big tits etc ... But this did happen to my buddy's uncle who called me for advice (and so happened I received this email on this scam). So instead of blogging, its copy-paste for me today ... here it goes ....

---------------------

Just want to share with all of you our experience on this matter.

We received at home the similar call as mentioned by xxxxxxxx (pls scroll down to his email below) on 17/5/07 at about 10.00am. We were very suspicious over this call because :

1) There is never in history or a practice that the High Court will ever call someone via phone to remind them on their court cases.

2) If it is the High Court, why the voice mail was recorded in "English" and not our national language, "B.M."?

3) When we press "9" to check with the operator, she did not sound like Malaysian and she also spoke in "English". When we refused to give our name and IC No., she was very unpleased and didn't want to cooperate. She just told us that they were the "Call Centre" acting for the High Court. We then asked for her supervisor, a guy (can't remember his name but believed is a Chinese but with foreign accent and we were quite sure that both of them were not Malaysian). On top of that, when we started to speak in BM with that guy, he got annoyed and said, "I am speaking English with you, so please speak in English!". We definitely did not think Malaysia High Court would engaged any foreigners to do this kind of "unusual task".

4) They refused to provide their contact no and address of their office and after we pushed for it, they gave a no. but it was different from their Caller ID shown on our phone. (We tried both nos. later but there was just a funny tone like no such no.).

5) Later, we went to lodge a Police report and was told that on that day, there were already 3 similar cases reported at Subang Jaya.

So, be very careful not to fall for it!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject Fw: URGENT !!! Beware of voice message from "Malaysian High Court"

Dear family members and friends

I am writing this e-mail to warn all of you. This is what happen to me on 18th may 2007 at 10.00am. The phone rang and i answer, a voice message stated that the call is from the Malaysian High Court mentioning that i have a case to attend at the KL High Court. Rather curious of what sort of case i have, so i press 9 to talk to the operator.

The operator speaks very 'slow english' if you know what i mean. She insist that i must give her my name and ic no. in order for her to check what sort of case i have. I hold on for a few seconds and she ask me if that is really my ic no. I confirmed and she also confirmed that i have a case to attend. She says that she will faxed the doucument over to Bukit Aman Police station and the officer will call me in 3 munites.

So i hung up, through enough i received the call less than 2 minutes. He announced himself as Yeoh Long Wah from Bukit Aman police station. He ask me a lot of questions and say the criminal have use my ic detail to open bank account in Maybank and Public Bank in Negeri Sembilan.

He then ask me whether i have a bank account in Maybank and Public Bank. I told him that i have a Public Bank a/c. He says that i have to answer his questions honestly so that he can help me with my case. The questions he ask like have you lost yr ic before, did you hand over yr ic to anybody for documentaion and how much money u have in yr a/c

I told him i cannot reveal the amount in my account and that i will meet him in Bukit Aman police station. He says fine and meet him before 4pm and gave me the phone no 03-77826222.

I rang my lawyer and ask for advise. She ask me to fix the appointment with the so call police on Sat or Monday since today is Friday and mosque day. I called the the no 77826222 and the police answer telling me that this is not Bukit Aman police station but police station in Old Klang Road. I told the police the problem and he told me to launch a police report in Subang Jaya police station because they have been receiving a lot of these calls from people.

I went to Public Bank to freeze all my a/c for the time being. I am sharing all these with you so that you will not go through the trauma i went through

From
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

My Favorite Weekend Shirt

2007-05-26T08:40:00.000+08:00

Have a great weekend guys!!!

Oh Come On ...

2007-05-25T15:41:00.000+08:00

Tibai Dave. Remember him. He is the tibai accountant that released poisonous, noxious and toxic gas in his car with his windows up and his friend trapped inside. Yup. That tibai accountant that farted in his car. Friggin changed the car into an instant gas chamber for death row.

Tibai Dave just Ym-ed me. Claims he cannot access my blogs. What da fark?! Konon his company block. Reason? Contains offensive adult material. Offensive to who lah? You mean besides offensive adult material, there are acceptable adult materials ah? And what's adult material lah? Sheesh....

Mah hai. Fark. If my blog like that also they consider offensive adult material ... wah lan, I cannot imagine how they rate the porn sites. Damn tiu nia seng lah like that. I think my blogs are therapeutic. Don't you think so?

Tibai Dave .... talk to your IT guy. He is the man. For all you know he blocks the sites but he is the one providing or hosting porn sites. Hahahaahahaha

Roger - Shrek Face/Off

2007-05-25T10:41:00.000+08:00

I was watching Shrek the other night ... remember the scenes when he changed to human form? I dunno lah ... but you guys tell me, shrek in human form look like roger federer or not? I swear to you ... that night when I was watching it, he really looked like roger federer tho' the pictures I post here don't really compliment my thoughts.

shrek picture from answers.com

roger picture from picture-newsletter.com

Paranoia

2007-05-24T11:17:00.000+08:00

I have predatory eyes ... I think. Not the kind like the eagles or the hawks where you can see from friggin far away. But the kind where you can see a nicest titties from a mile away. Yeah, that kind of predatory eyes or at least, that's what I think.

There this chick working in my office. Kinda conservative ... which I am very surprised to find this kind of conservative chick in this era. Let's see ... how to describe her ... young, in her 20s, still pursuing some kinda exams or certificate or paper qualification. Long hair. Wears glasses. Wears really really conservative clothes. She is always covered up, head to toe. I have never seen her wear a skirt which is at least knee length. Always jeans or pants or long skirt. Maybe she has hairy legs?

And her top ... you will never find her in any neckline tops. Don't even talk about low necklines. Always covered up. You probably only see her neck only. And to top it off, she always has sweater or cardigans on. Always. Even when she walks out in the sun to tah pau food, her cardigan is on.

But ... this girl has boobs. Well, she is well endowed for her height. But this girl ... too shy and conservative lah. Each friggin time, I walked by her, she will automatically draw close her cardigan or her sweater. What da fark?? I mean ... I don't go walking round staring at women's tits. Or do I? It doesn't help when the person in front of you is shorter than you. You have no choice but to look down. Haha. What more when she has nice big titties?!

But seriously ... I know I don't look. Which means ... this girl has some serious conservative issues. Probably friggin paranoid that everyone looks at her assets. Damn ... when you have it, flaunt it! But then again, my colleagues tell me, that they noticed that she only pulls close her cardigan only when I walk by. Damn .... my reputation precedes me. Heh Heh

Words of Wisdom

2007-05-23T10:45:00.000+08:00

My macha once told me, when you are with a girl ...

ALWAYS LOOK INTO HER EYES .......... NOT HER TITS!!!!!!!!!!!!

haha

Lembu

2007-05-16T14:03:00.000+08:00

Of late I noticed that a lot of people came to my website as a result of them googling lembu. I really do hope that its you farkers whom are too friggin lazy to add my site to your favorites. Kan ni neh. Probably because I don't have enough pictures of naked women hence you don't keep is as your favorite website. Bangsats.

For those whom were really really looking for lembu ... Lembu = Cow in English. Cow as in those that goes moo moo. If you still don't farking know what a cow is, it's what you call your fat ass ex-girlfriend. Hahahaha. If you still don't know what a cow is, google cow. You will find pictures of a cow and your fat ass ex-girlfriend there. Shit ... even wikipedia has a whole shit load of definitions for it. They call it Cattle.

But for you jokers whom are just too lazy to google lembu ... this is how a lembu should look like:-

And for those whom has never heard of a moo, this is a MOO.

And ... for you tibai dogs that have been googling lembugila, it's mad cow or crazy cow. Don't know what's that? See ... I also have a picture for you.

And he sounds just like THIS!

P/S - Can't remember where I got these from. Only remembered I got it from an email. Whoever the author or creator of this shit ... thanks! And thanks to my buddy Mongoose who helped me technically on how to load all dis shit here. Haha!

Peeing

2007-05-14T17:29:00.000+08:00

I was attending a dinner function last weekend and as usual, I had a lot of beers. And with beers, once your tank is full, you really got to go. So go I did. Went to the gents and I usually don't use the cubicles unless I want to take a shit. Hell, I don't know why some people are so friggin shy or afraid that whenever they go into the toilet, they rather hold their pee until their dicks explode rather than use the urinal bowl or the common piss area. Well, I don't know what you call that ... the one where everyone just friggin stands in a line and you piss into this main "longkang". Whatever you call it lah. I'll call it longkang.

Maybe some of this dick heads think there are some gay boys hanging around the toilet waiting for them to show their dicks and get hit on while they were pissing. Hmmm... maybe that's why they always go into the cubicles. Also, if its a urinal bowl, noticed how everyone tend to not to use the bowl right next to the bowl which is currently in use? Why? Scared people see their dicks? Damn... everyone in there has dicks. Matter of how big, how long, how fat, how hairy ... or how badly infected with STD. hahahaha

So there I was, standing at the longkang pissing. This little boy was standing and pissing there as well. He was probably around 7 years old. Then his buddy came running into the toilet ... ran up to him shouting his full name, Jonathan Kang Ah Beng (ok ok I made up that name but basically his full name was called out) and his buddy just patted him so friggin hard on his back (more like a shove) and asked, what are you doing here?

Haha. With that hard shove, the boy almost fell into the longkang and his pee went senget (sideways) hitting his legs and shoes. He was obviously annoyed but instead of just looking back, he just turned his whole body around, dick pee and all to his fren and said, hey! why you push me?

Farks. Despite being drunk, I was quick enough to move my right leg. If not, kena tembak by kencing. Kan ni neh that kid. Best part is, when he turned around, his pee pulak tembak his buddy whom just ran in. Farking mess it made. Haha. Stupid kid then tried to swing back his dick to the longkang with pee but by then, it was reduced to trickles. With that, he shoved his dick into his pants and looked at his buddy whom was half drenched with his pee. Haha. Man ... it was no laughing matter for his buddy. Could see that he was about to cry. He pouted, ran out screaming that his fren peed on him. Damn ... That's when I thought, before the mothers come and kill each other, I better get out of there. Damn kids might even say I pissed on them instead.

Telur Setengah Masak

2007-05-10T14:11:00.000+08:00

Telur Setengah Masak. Half boiled eggs. A staple most of us Malaysians know. Especially to us older generations whom use to have telur setengah masak before going to school. You crack your eggs up and pour out the contents. Sometimes the egg yoke has hardened, sometimes semi soft, sometimes totally watery. The egg whites, definitely still watery. You mix it all up, stir it, add kicap and pepper and you just drink it all down.

Just the other day, I was having teh tarik at the friendly neighborhood mamak with my colleagues. It was after work hours and some of us have to put in more hours. As we waited for food, somehow the conversation went to porn movies and why men always fantasize about getting what the pornstars give. When it came to the topic of swallowing ... the girls went EWWWWWWWW. Disgusting etc etc.

Now, for food, my colleagues ordered a variety of food. Two of them ordered telur setengah masak. Both ladies. The guys ordered maggi goreng, mee goreng, roti canai etc.

I was munching into my maggi goreng when I see one of them mixing her telur setengah masak. She has painstakingly taken out the egg yoke and was just stirring the watery egg whites. The other girl ... the egg yoke was watery. When she cracked the egg, egg yoke and egg white just poured out. She was also stirring it and was adding in kicap.

I looked into the bowl with only the egg whites. I look up at the girl scooping it up and sipping it down with her teaspoon. Hey .... that looks just like sperm. I wonder how come you can swallow that but you girls find it disgusting. It looks just like sperm. All white, watery and icky as well. Maybe you have to add some kicap and pepper but then again ... normally they shoot it straight into the mouth .... hahahahahaha

She went green. She looked like she was about to puke. Lembu!!!!!!! The other girl screamed. How can you say such things?

Huh? Why not? It does look like sperm. Well ... in your case, yours have yellow stuff in it. Maybe from STDs. Hahahahahaha

They refused to continue eating anymore. Good for me. I finished their telur setengah masak. Even dipped toasted bread in them. Yum yum ...

Submission

2007-05-03T22:33:00.000+08:00

Reading Anonymous' comments reminded me of a story about submission. This happened many many many moons ago. And as usual ... Guru Lembu gave wise advice. Haha.

A buddy of ours saw us having a couple of beers and strolled over with a glum face. We were like ... what da fark dude??!!! Listen to the music. Look at all those chicks. Short skirts. Tight pussies. Big titties. Why da fark are you so friggin sad like your cock fell off like that?

Now, this buddy of mine ... lets just remain anonymous, let's call him Tai Lan Ngong (its cantonese for big stoopid cock). Tai Lan Ngong started telling me this sad shitty story of his about how he fell in love with this girl and had wanted so badly to marry her ...

So marry her lah! What da fark is your problem? No money? Father don't let? Mother don't let?

The answer ... was a real cracker. Wife don't let. You see, Tai Lan Ngong's religion permits him to marry up to 4. But, with conditions lah. He must pass some tests and one of it, if I am not mistaken, is the first wife's consent.

Divorce your first wife cannot? I asked.

You want me to die ah?

Heh heh. Ok ... I figured as much. Dei, buy me more drinks. Maybe when I am farking drunk, I can give you an answer.

Fark you lembooo. After I pay so much for drinks and you are pissed drunk, I might get cock advice from you.

Still, he bought. I drank. He bought some more. I drank some more.

So? Almost 1 bottle finish already. Any cock advice you can give?

Cock Advice? That's it! I had one of those drunk light bulb moments. TING!

Dei pundek. You go home ... you fark your wife every nite. Every nite you fark her as many times as you can. You cannot oso ... you still must fark. Still cannot ... you take pills lah, tongkat ali lah, steroids lah, turtle blood lah, tiger penis lah... whatever, you must fark. She got period oso you must fark.

What da fark? You think my cock what? Made out of wood ah? Wood oso, fark every nite oso will reput. Haha

No no. You fark her until she cannot take it anymore. Fark her into submission. Then she will ask you to find another wan.

Ooooooh.. Good idea lemboo. Eh Wait! What if you she likes it?

Errr ... dat time, you are really farked. Hahahahahaha

6 months later I saw Tai Lan Ngong again. So how?

His reaction - he immediately ordered another bottle of wisky for me. And then he placed a wedding invite on the table.

Wah ... so it worked lah!

Yup yup. He grinned. But he said, it was hard work being horny every night.

1 month after his wedding, I saw him again. So how? Nice or not having threesome?

Tiu you lah lemboo. Your idea got flaw a bit.

What flaw? I asked.

His reply? Fark. I farked so much until my cock is damn farking sore. Now with my new wife, I can hardly fark. Must recover my cock a bit. Like I said, even if wood oso and use to go in out in out so much, oso can reput.

Hahahahahaha. You want more advice or not?

NO!

heh heh ...

Freedom

2007-04-24T10:08:00.000+08:00

Everyone knows you lose your freedom when you get married. But to what extent ... well I thought it was only limited to things like the boys outing, the beer drinking etc. But there are little things that I slowly discovered that ... freedom is not only limited to the boys outing, the beer drinking etc.

Hopefully in my blogs I will slowly tell you more, as and when I discover what it is that I am losing.

Recently I realised ... I lost my freedom to fart. Yes. You read it right. FART. There is no more "fart at will". Two places I missed the most in releasing my gas, is in the bedroom and in the car.

In the bedroom, whenever I want to fart ... I have to hold it in, then get up, run out of the room and let it rip. Sometimes while running, I leak out small gases. The worse is when by the time you stand up, no more fart. It went back inside. Tiu ...

Oh no, that's not the worse, worse is when you are nicely sleeping and you let it go, you get smacked for farting. You have to wake up, get out of bed and let it rip elsewhere. Oh ... how will she know about my farts? The smell man. The smell. It can put a herd of elephants down. They should let me fart into gas chambers for death row. Haha. If you let out a loud one ... of course lah she will know. But if you let out a silencer ... ah, silencers are killers. Once I let go a silencer while I was still sleeping under the bed covers, comforters to be exact. Even I myself almost died. Had to air the entire room after that. Haha

In the car ... what else can I say. No where to run. I can't be stopping my car and stepping out just to fart. But then again, car is enclosed space. Worse than gas chamber. Last time I used to just lift my butt cheeks a little to the side and let it rip. Then open window and let it all out. Now ... I let it rip, I get smacked, window gets opened, car stops, I get smacked again. Hahahahahahaha

Professional Attendees

2007-04-20T11:46:00.000+08:00

Once again the ugly Malaysians reared their ugly head. Honestly ... I don't know what to say anymore 'cos most of them are the older folks.

I was attending yet another annual general meeting yesterday. When the floor was opened for questions and answers, I did notice the familiar face of this shareholder whom I saw him last week at another company's annual general meeting. Hogging the mike, he started his questions. I don't know his friggin background but the questions ... gawd! You really feel like slapping him or telling him, if you think you are so good, why don't you sit up here and be the CEO or the Managing Director. What a farking jackass!

He even took time to give comments on how the directors should run the company and advising the company to build manufacturing plants based on what he see the other competitors did. He has no idea about costs, permits and consequences. He just stands up and condemns the company for not building a plant.

I took time off to pee. When I was outside the hall, I realised, this friggin AGM is like a convention for senior citizens. The entire hall was just packed with old folks. All waiting for the AGM to finish just so that they get the lunch. I came back from the toilet, and the same idiot is still asking questions. Fark! He even started questioning the company over international accounting standards. Real asshole.

The company made a big mistake as well. They were in the food and beverage industry and displayed hell of a lot of their products at the hall during the AGM. Guess what? One joker, a former teacher of a high school, stood up and commented that the products should be given away to the shareholders. Helps save the company from carting it all back. The chairman of the company was gracious to allow that.

The other AGM I attended, it was the usual shit. When lunch was served buffet style, you see all these shareholders fighting to get the food. Its like everyone rushing into a Bus Mini. What's worse, some even brought plastic containers to "tah pau" lunch.

I feel embarassed ...

Call Me Murphy

2007-04-11T14:09:00.000+08:00

I think I have the shittiest luck. Its so bad that I think I should be Murphy. Why Murphy? Murphy's Laws? Anything that can go wrong will go wrong. I should blog about every damn mishap that happens to me but then again ... I yams not so free ler.

Anyway, the other day I went to Plaza Sentral for a meeting. If anyone of you guys want to go Plaza Sentral, don't even bother driving there. Take the LRT.

This must be one of the stoopidest buildings around. They have so many friggin offices there but the visitors parking lot is very VERY limited. And coupled with my Murphy Luck, it was the worse nightmare.

I drove into the parking lot at 10.20am. At 10.50 am, I still cannot find a parking spot. Each and every time I make a round, I see someone come out and another car takes its space. Even when I decided to wait there, I would end up waiting at the wrong spot. Either I am waiting too far in front or too far at the back. What kind of shitty luck was that?? After waiting for ages and after going round and round the same friggin parking lots, I decided that I have had enough. Gotta drive out and find parking elsewhere. I drove out and guess what? A small lorry carrying gypsum boards got stuck in the car park. I could not exit. By the time I got to the exit and gave the parking ticket to the pondok there, the makcik there told me, Uncle, Tiga Ringgit.

I told the makcik Tarak parking lah.

Makcik said, Uncle lu sudah manyak lama kat sini.

Woi Makcik, tengoklah lu punya car park. Betuih tarak parking. Wa sudah pusing pusing sampai wa punya minyak pun sulah mau habis!

After spending minutes arguing and with other cars honking behind me, makcik finally raised the barrier and let me out.

By the time I find a parking in KL Sentral, I was 45 minutes late for my meeting. Went into the meeting and everyone told me, next time take LRT lah. Puki tiang betuih.

My Throne

2007-04-09T16:03:00.000+08:00

Last week I got to select my throne. I bet not all of you get to select your own throne. Right? Anyway, it was on that beautiful day where all the planets, moons and stars were aligned I went to choose my throne. I figured, how difficult can it be? I can be so friggin wrong …

For my throne selection, my wifey, Bunny tagged along. Of course lah, choose throne must bring your wifey along mah. Besides, she has better color coordination than me. Oh wait, since I am color blind, I have zero color coordination skills.

We walked into the shop and the sales attendant immediately attended to us. Asking us what do we want. I told her I am looking for my throne and she gave me dis “duhhhhhh” look. Bunny cut in and said, we are looking for water closets for our house. Ohhhh… here here, these are our range, we have johnson Suisse, armitage shanks …. She went on and on and showed us to the various models and designs …

Wow… never in my life I thought a shit bowl would come in so many designs and shapes. But honestly … I couldn’t really tell the difference. All of them looks the same to me unless the shape is really different. So how do you choose your personal throne? Do what I did, sit on each and everyone and try. Some hole damn big. Some hole damn small. Some the rims not so comfy when you sit on it. Some makes u feel like you are sliding off the rim. Some hole so big you sit damn kangkang with your balls dangling over the shit. You gotta check out the contours of the bowl so that it fits the contours of your ass. All this is so that you can shit easy. Haha

Anyway … the moral of the story is, you have to friggin sit on them and test see if comfy or not. Some of the bowls have signs that says, “Please do not seat”. So how? Cannot “test drive” lah like that. I can’t be doing the horse stance over the damn bowl right? Remember, when I say “test drive” doesn’t mean you take a shit there ok. Besides, with so many toilet bowls, how much shit you have lah? Unless you can control your shit, each bowl you poop one small shit out. Hahahahaha

But seriously … after a few “test drives” seating on those friggin bowls to see if I was comfy with them, I started to feel like I want to shit. Actually have to rest a bit and hold back my shit. Heehee

After “test driving” the bowls, Bunny asked, “so? Are you happy yet? Which one you want?”

Me: Wait wait. Got some more test.

Bunny: What test lah?

Me: I need to kneel down and hug the bowl …”

Bunny: WHAAAAAAAT???????!!!!

Me: Well, sometimes or most times when I drink too much I would be barfing. So I want to know if its comfortable or not hugging it or placing my cheek against the rim and see if it will slip off and …

Before I can finish, Bunny went, “ok ok. Sheesh … I can’t believe I am saying this .. go and test lah. And be quick! And I am not standing near you. If anyone asks .. I don’t know you.”

Haha.

Eat Oso No Peace

2007-04-04T19:02:00.000+08:00

The other night I was at the mamak stall having my favorite nasi lemak tambah ayam goreng tambah sambal tambah telur mata kerbau. This is one of my favorite mamak place. Has the most unhealthy ayam goreng ever! The mamak there is still the old style kind of mamak. Small little stall with all the tables and chairs set out on the road itself. Well, not in the middle of the road lah. You think what, siow meh? Put table and chairs in the middle of the road.

What I meant to say is that its on the road as compared to some mamak whom will set up the tables and chairs on the five foot way or the kerb or even on road dividers.

It was quite a slow night. Not many people. It was still early anyway. So most tables were still empty. After I had my fill of nasi lemak, I saw the next table ordered my favorite ... indomie. My tummy growled. Fark. After all that nasi lemak, still want some more. So I ordered. Boss, Indomie kasi double. Tambah mata kerbau!

My order came and I started to dig in. Then came this lorry. Drove up slowly next to all the tables and out jumped 2 guys. They just started taking all the empty tables and chairs and threw all of them into the back of the lorry. Nothing was said. Just jumped out of lorry and grabbed tables and chairs and threw them in. I looked at the mamak fellas. They didn't do anything. I figured ... nah, I don't think got people psycho enuf to be stealing tables and chairs. Must be the local authority.

True enough. It was the local authority. Confiscating the tables and chairs 'cause they were placed on the roads. Some customers got frightened and stood up. That also, they grabbed the tables with the food still on them and threw the tables into the lorry. The plates of food and cups of teh o ais limau were just strewn all over the road. Then the mamak fella started to tell everyone whom were seated down not to stand up. But I guess it was quite futile. Everyone was afraid. The way the guys were grabbing the tables and chairs were like hostile and aggressive. Then one of them came to my table. I was still holding a fork with indomie on it. He grabbed the table and stared at me. Nothing was said. I gave him this really blur and stupid look and still holding a fork with indomie on it. He hesitated. I continued with my dumb look. He then let go of the table and grabbed the other chairs around the table as they were empty, threw them into the lorry and left.

Lorry drove off and I could see the mamak fellas's sad and disappointed expression. Some customers left. Some helped to pick up the plates and cups on the floor. The mamak want to offer them food again but gotta eat standing lah.

Well ... its against the local authority's laws to place the tables and chairs on the road but still ... I never expect them to behave as if they were the anti terrorist strike force doing a snatch and grab operation.

Security

2007-04-02T11:38:00.000+08:00

The condo unit that I am living in has probably the tightest security ever. If there is a visitor, they will have to ring your unit and if you are not home, the visitor will be turned away. Even if the visitor were my own parents dropping by and I am not in the unit, the guards will turn my parents away.

And being the owner, if you have forgotten your access card … they ask you to get out of the car and register in even though they know you or they know that you are the owner of one of the condo units there. If you bring in a guest in your car and is not your family member, they will walk up to you and ask your guest to register. Strict huh?

I am very happy with this kind of security. Causes inconvenience but I always tell myself … its for my own good and safety.

Last week I was chatting with the maintenance guy and one of the guards. I was there at lunch hour to make some payments to the management office and to check on the contractors doing the renovations at my unit. Walking out of the car park I noticed there were still a lot of cars parked there. Commented to myself – what da fark? All these people no need to work wan ah? Kan ni neh. Must be home for lunch to fark their wives or mistresses. Haha

While talking to the maintenance guy and the guard, I commented on 2 things. The strict guards and all the cars still parked there. Then the maintenance guy started laughing and asked, “sir, you really want to know why ah?”

I looked back and grinned, let me guess … mistresses. Everyone laughed. Yup. I was right. I never thought an old condo project like this still houses mistresses. Lunch hours usually between 12 – 3 pm, you will see lots of cars in the car park.

But security is very strict. Why? To stop the legal wives from barging in. No one will ever be allowed to enter into the condo without approval from the resident of the unit. Any wives come for a raid … they will have to wait outside the guard house.

I asked them … so the mistresses here how wan? Chun ah?

Both of them grinned. Sir … you will know when you move in. Guarantee you … no regrets.
Wah lan neh … thinking about it gave me a hard on and a big grin on my face. Images of hot looking birds hanging around the condo waiting for their man came into my mind … wah … must ask my contractor to hurry up with the renovations.

Bedtime

2007-04-01T23:00:00.000+08:00

Titties

2007-03-27T14:43:00.000+08:00

I have a lady friend who has these …. erm….friggin huge tits. Size …? I dunno. I am never good with this kind of shit. Perhaps its XXL size? LOL

For the life of me, I just cannot remember all those sizes. My buddies have tried telling me so many friggin times but all I can remember is its like batteries. AAA for smaller batteries, AA, C, D. Am I on the right track?

My buddy, Z tells me this, quote and unquote “the number is the chest diameter loh n the alphabet the boob size loh”

But I still find it difficult to visualize. Once I had this power point slide that has this ABC song with all the titties and I lost that damn slide. Dang. But if A is smallest, its like ciku? Then slowly grow bigger? Ciku? Then what size? Apple? Orange? Grapefruit is what? Got size C kah? Wah lan, if size DD is what? Watermelon?

Anyway, back to my lady friend … lets’ call her TTL, its short for Tuah Tuah Liap (its hokkien. In English, means BIG BIG ONES) heehee.

Now TTL always tells people that she is proud of her assets. And I always say that’s bullshit. You see, she always wear all those friggin conservative dress. Well … honestly, she is on the round side, like doraemon like that. But with all the roundness, comes the big ones. Otherwise, so round and so flat, a bit out of proportion leh.

Now, TTL though always telling people she is proud of it, I disagree. Why? Her conservative dress. She dresses like the old Ah Mah like that. I’ve known her for 4 friggin years and all her clothes is always up to her neck. Never once you see the cleavage. She said, people can already see that her assets are big. I disagree. When you have it, flaunt it! I mean, we want to see the damn cleavage. The sides of the titties all pushed up. What the fark we want to see watermelon all wrapped up for? Tarak siok lah like dat.

I am also curious … with those TTLs or big big ones … what happens when you don’t wear bra? Would they sag? Very very curious …. But you know lah, curiosity killed the cat. But then again, I am Lembu Gila! Hahahaha …

By the way, girls, for men … their underwears come in S, M, L, XL, XXL, XXXL. It denotes the size of the penis. And no, there is no such thing as push up men’s underwear even though when the park their little brother, their park it facing upwards. If any longer than that and it doesn’t fit the XXXL size anymore, they will have no alternative but to wear boxers. Why boxers? To that they will just strap their penis to their thighs. Otherwise when they walk, it will be swinging around. Makes it difficult to walk. Hahahahahahahahahahahaha

Mile High Club

2007-03-26T17:50:00.000+08:00

Hello guys. And girls. Or should I just be politically correct and say, Hello People. Honestly ... fark those tibais that always have an issue with the hi guys or hi people or hi girls shit.

Anyway ... hello tibais. I need some help here. Something is bothering me and I need to find out somethings.

Black and I were just talking cock and we were just talking about farking them stewardesses. Yeah, well... we think about it all the friggin time. The thought was always in our mind. Taking off those jackets of theirs. Hands going up those short skirts. Humping them in the small and cramped toilet. Too small? Too cramp? Heck ... the smaller the space the better. Then you will have to really squeeze your bodies tightly together mah. No where for her to run. Just that small little room and you have her all to yourself. Shit .. I am getting carried away.

Yup... we were just talking about it. Fantasizing about it. But realised ... we've never pulled it off. For one thing, we both agreed, we don't want to get arrested when we land at KLIA or LCCT. Hahahaha.

As we were talking, another buddy of ours then said, hey ... can fark in the plane meh? I thought I read somewhere its more difficult to get erection.

What da fark??? Where did you get all these facts?

No no ... its something about the higher you go up and about blood pressure and all that, the blood difficult to get to the dick and hence not easy to get erection.

I then went, I don't agree man. Every time I am up there and I fark the stewardesses with my eyes, I get a farking hard on. Damn kau painful especially when you wear tight jeans. Hahahahaha

Then this puki tiang Black decided to be academic and asks ... so if in airplane difficult to get erection ... what about in space? Do those astronauts fark the female astronaut? I mean, they spend weeks up there, I am sure with so many guys and one girl, you just want to fark her in space ....

Yeah ... like the smurfs. 100 of them and 1 girl smurf. Hahahaha

So how? In space can get erection ah?

I then asked ... ey, when you tembak your sperm in space ... would your sperm be floating around in the space shuttle ah?

Everyone looked at me .... AWWWW FARK! That's sick!!!!!!!!

Hahahahahaha

Double System

2007-03-23T08:34:00.000+08:00

What da fark?????!!!!! .........

Check this out. For those living in PJ, I am friggin sure you know what the parking system is in PJ. For those who don't know, after you park your damn car, you walk to this stupid looking machine by the road, put in coins and get a small little coupon to be placed on your car's dashboard.

Previously, it was that scratch the coupon system. You buy this card coupon and just scratch the date, time etc. Remember that stupid coupon? Reason they abolish was that people were passing the coupon around as in I will be leaving my parking spot now and I still have 45 minutes left in the coupon, so I just pass it on to the next person who parks at my spot. Under the new system, you are supposed to key in your car registration number. That is so stupid as well. Why? 'Cos most times, I get confused between my car number and my brother's car number. I cannot even remember which farking car I took out.

I just have to bitch about this. Look at the picture below. Yeah. That's right. I didn't use an old scratch coupon. I was in PJ - Jalan Tandang to be exact where all the factories are. Still don't know where? Campbell Soup? Yeo's. Old Town? Yeah. There. The parking system there is still the old scratch coupon system. I was just there last week and got summoned 'cos I didnt find a machine to buy the coupon. Instead, I learned my lesson and yesterday, I found this guy sitting underneath the big ass umbrella still selling these scratch coupons.

Go figure. As far as I know, the entire PJ is already under the new parking system. You buy your damn coupon from that machine. And now, there exists another system. Just to a specific area. I mean, what da fark were the MPPJ or now, the MBPJ councillors thinking of? I know ... let me guess, dem wankers all sat down at a meeting and decided, hey, we should change the system. Lets buy dem machines. But how many? Kira kira kira (count count count) wokay. We buy these many machines. And install them every few metres. We must make sure its convenient for the rakyat in PJ. All of a sudden .. oh fark. We don't have enough machines. Oops, We forgot. People in Old Town have cars. OR Oh shit, we forgot about Old Town - Jalan Tandang.

Or... dem wanker councillors at the time of their decision making goes ... "nah... lets not buy machines and install it all over PJ. Let's bloody confuse some of these people. Mebbe we put the coupon system in Jalan Tandang. That will be funny."

OR ...

Decision: Change Coupon System. Buy machines. And some councillors goes, "oh fark. what da fark we gonna do with these 50 million scratch coupons we have already printed?" "oh ... we have this brilliant idea .... lets make Jalan Tandang a road where you still need to use these scratch coupons ..."

And you wonder how PJ was declared City Status. Malaysia Boleh alright.

Dem Animal Movies

2007-03-22T07:38:00.000+08:00

I've always disliked animal movies.

What animal movies? You know those stupid movies like lassie, free willy, dem horses movies etc. Dem movies where the animal is oh so damn good and nice and patriotic, saves the day, oh so cute look and all that crap. Look ... I have nothing against animals. In fact, I like them. And its not every movie with an animal in it I will dislike. Come on ... which movie doesn't have an animal, be it a person or an actual animal. Heh heh. Example, hidalgo. I like that. Smart horse. But it was all about the rider, the horse and the competition. I like Jaws too. Its nice to see smart ass sharks chomps the ass out of the people. Especially most of these jaws or croc movies would have a frisky couple humping their ass off when they get chomped on. I have always found that funny.

Its those movies where the damn dog is too friggin smart and nice. Or the cat. Or the damn horse. The whale. How many friggin times does it need to be freed? There was free willy 1, 2, 3 .... and is there 4, 5, 6, 7, 8??? Fark ... at least I know for a fact that the whale is dead. Otherwise, damn whale would be like stallone, making a come back after 20 years. Haha. If it was alive, it might be taking steroids as well and get caught in australian waters and then it will be free willy no. VII or something like that. Hahahahahahaha

Ah ... the one I hate the most, the friggin most is those movies where the damn ape seems to be able to do everything. Football, snooker, basketball, snowboarding etc. What da fark was that all about?

Why the dislike? Blame it on a difficult childhood. When I was a kid .... and if any of these movies were on tv, my parents would always have this to say, "see, even animals (dog, cat, chimps, sharks, crocodiles, horse etc) can be trained and be obedient. why can't you?"

Now you see why?

Contractors

2007-03-20T08:06:00.000+08:00

I am sure that most of you guys have watched Phua Chu Kang and for those whom have dealt with contractors, I am also very sure you will know what I am talking about.

I am searching for contractors to do some minor renovations at my crib. Believe me, its very very minor. Basically to repaint and to knock out a bath tub. And my crib has one of those "open" room concept ... a family area as they called it. I wanted to just cover it up, put a door and use that as an extra room.

I spoke to many contractors and finally narrowed down my choices to 2 contractors. 1, a chinaman. 2nd - a Singh. Yup ... its not everyday I find a singh contractor. Yeah, yeah yeah ... I am very shallow. But come on ... I am sure that when I say contractor, a chinaman will come into your mind. Right?

Anyway, the Singh was the first to arrive at the scene. He was very nice, told me exactly what he will do and how he will try to make the bathroom look more comfortable. Example, knocking out the tub and placing a screen door but he did mention that it will be very cramped. He made various suggestions including using tempered glass instead of a sliding screen door. But ... definitely all the tiles must go.

Next was the chinaman contractor. Now this guy is cool .... Doesn't wear those big yellow boots but he still wore boots. Comes walking in with a swagger and asked me what I want. I told him what I want and he started walking around looking at my crib.

Contractor: So what paint you want?

Me: Errr... what would you recommend?

Contractor: Got nice one. Got cheap one. Got expensive one. So what do you want?

Me: Errr... what choices do I have?

Contractor: Aya ... got perl go (pearl glo), pentalite, maxilite ...

I thought to myself ... pentalite? maxilite? farks ... what is this? sounds like weight reducing program in those slimming spas.

Me: Which one is nice?

Contractor: ALL oso nice. Plice only different.

Me: oh ....

Contractor: Maxilite lah. Vely cheap. Vely nice. I cover 2 layers. Sure nice wan.

Me: ok ...

We walked to the bathroom.

Contractor: Ah ok. Take out long bath? Can.

Me: Ok. I want to put a screen door.

Contractor: Can can

Me: Would it be too cramp?

Contractor: No lah. Can wan. See. Put here. Up to here. (Then he climbed into the bath tub and stood there with his arms up) See... still got space wan. U wash hair careful a bit lah.

Me: Wah ... I think a bit cramp leh

Contractor: No lah. That that hotel oso same wat.

Me: Ok ... what about tiling

Contractor: Ah ... all these tiles no more alredi. Must get new ones

Me: But I am on a budget

Contractor: Ah don't wohlly. I put screen door. Inside screen door here I use different style tile. Sure nice wan. Now everyone oso do like dat. Different tiles. Very nice wan

Me: Huh? Different tiles?

Contractor: Yah lah. Nice wan. Don't wohlly.

I thought to myself ... man ... I am farked.

We went over to the open room. Told him what I wanted.

Contractor: Ah ok. So what door you want?

Me: Erm ... ?

Contractor: Aya... wooden door? glass door? sliding door? plastic door. you want what door I put what door lah.

Me: Errr .... which would be nicer?

Contractor: All oso nice. See lah what you want. I put nice door for you.

Damn ... this is going to be tough.

Me: Ok... what about wooden door.

Contractor: Ah ok. You want or not? I put half glass on top of door. Can see through. Wah like dat sure nice wan.

Me: Huh? No no no. Just door will do. No need glass all.

Contractor: Ok. Then the wall i make for you to cover room. You want brick wall, board or wood or what? I put nice big glass oso on wall. Can see thru like office window like dat.

Me: Errr.... no. wall will be fine. no need window.

Contractor: Ok. what color?

Sighs .... I should have just hired an interior design instead...

Marrying A Foreigner Part VI

2007-03-17T15:48:00.000+08:00

Its strange how the same department or authority but located in different branches has different procedures. When I was in Damansara making enquiries, I did see a checklist on the notice boards and after talking to a guy that married a Filipino as well .... well, I found out more information.

Example ... for application of a social visit pass at the Damansara office, you will need to produce among other documents ... your wedding photograph and also your wedding invitation card.

Now, at Shah Alam, you are also required to produce your wedding photograph but you don't have to submit your wedding invitation card.

The thing is, according to the guy I was talking to ... it was really tough for him when he was making all the applications for his wifey's social visit pass. On first application, they only gave his wifey a 3 months pass. On 1st extension, its another 3 months pass. On 2nd extension, its 6 months pass. On 3rd Extension, another 6 months pass. And on 4th extension onwards, they gave a yearly pass.

And to make things worse for him, for each application for extension, he was told to submit the same documents that he submitted previously. The same documents, copies of marriage cert, wedding photograph etc etc. He just couldn't understand why he has to submit the same things over and over again. Poor guy.

I hope I will have an easier time ....

Marrying a Foreigner Part V

2007-03-16T23:46:00.000+08:00

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRGHHHH!!!

Check out the news today. Announced that foreign spouses will be given 5 year visas.

But I am skeptical. Why? Look ... they did say its subject to validity of the foreign spouse's passport. How many passports you know has validity period of more than 5 years? If your passport's validity is 3 years, they will only grant you up to 3 years.

Really? I am still very skeptical. I am worried. What's the catch? Any terms and conditions attached? Does it apply to every foreign spouse? Or to certain nationalities only? How come some people I spoke to last time were only given 3 months visa + another 3 months visa, then 6 months visa, then another 6 months visa and finally 1 year visa. And all this while, they said foreign spouses will be given 1 year visa instead of the monthly visas etc. I still see people going through that 3 months, 6 months visa thingy.

I can only wait and see .... hopefully its as good as it looks. My only problem is taking time off to go to the immigration. Its not easy for me to take time off ... not easy at all ...

Marrying a Foreigner Part IV

2007-03-15T23:13:00.000+08:00

Immigration. I love immigration. I love immigration.

Thursday, 15 March. The day I decided to go to the immigration. I have the forms. Spent weeks trying to figure out ... how to fill the forms. Should be simple right? Yes. .. it looked simple but I was worried. Worried for technicalities. Worried for things like, you should write in caps. It should be type written. Not hand written. It must be blue ink. etc etc

We woke up at 530am. Grabbed quick breakfast and headed over to Shah Alam. Arrived at 7am. I thought .. should be alright. I was so wrong. The line was already friggin long. We were all lined up in a corridor. Wifey and I just sat down on the floor and made ourselves comfortable. Initially it was ok ... but after a while when there were more people, the air became stale and stuffy. My wifey was beginning to feel woozy. Me ... I thought to myself, all it takes is one joker to fart a stinker and we are all dead.

There were a lot of people in the queue. Hundreds. But what I was curious was that my dad's understanding from putrajaya was that they process the filipinos over here in Shah Alam. But the people I saw were mostly from Indonesia. In fact ... almost the entire corridor was just packed with Indonesians. I have to thank this big fat Indonesian lady. Reminds me of Big Momma - the movie, Martin Lawrence? Big Momma's House? She was very vocal whenever some jerk tried to cut queue. They will just pretend to be stupid, deaf or dumb and just try to stand in the line somewhere. This lady enforcer will just yell at them to get lost. Haha.

The doors opened and we were allowed to go in 5 by 5 people. Showed the counter my forms and I was given a number. We went to find a seat and got comfortable .. thinking that its gonna be a very long day. A couple of hours later, our number was called. We went to the counter, submitted our forms and were told, "ok, that's it"

I was like ... Huh? That's it what?

That's it you can go back.

Go back? What about the visa?

The officer looked at me. You just submitted a form. Its now pending approval.

Errr .... I thought its all in one day?

She looked at me ... No. You have to wait.

Erm ... how long?

Between 2 - 3 weeks. Or more.

Ok .... so you all will call me?

No. You have to come back here to follow up.

I didn't dare ask anymore questions. She looked annoyed already. Sighs ... wifey and I went home wondering what's gonna happen next.

Marrying a Foreigner Part III

2007-03-12T22:55:00.000+08:00

VISA! Yup ... the most exciting part of your marriage. When my wifey finally move over to Malaysia, we immediately went to the Immigration Dept. Well ... I've always gone to the Dept in Damansara to get my passport done, so with that in mind, we went to Damansara.

Now, I have to admit, we went there very late ... around 1030am. We thought ... we are just there to find out what should we do to get her to stay longer ... i.e. to get a visa. Went to the ground floor, made some enquiries and instead ... they just said, "oh... you need to open new file, please go to 4th floor, visa dept"

Up we go. 4th Floor. Visa Dept. Lined up behind a couple of fellas at the information counter on the 4th floor. The line didnt move. I went to take a peek. No one was at the counter. We waited. Finally ... after like 15 minutes, someone came out to handle the people lining up there. Our turn came. We asked again the same question. We got a reply ... "you need to take this number and wait at counter number xx" I paused and then asked quickly, but we just want to find out what to do, where to get forms etc. We were told, "just wait for your number to be called"

I looked at the piece of paper. There were about 30 people ahead of me. Ok ... let's wait. 1 hour. 2 hours. 3 hours. I tried to walk up the counter and take a peek but the guy sitting behind there looked so pissed and agitated, I dare not ask when will my turn be. I went back to sit down ... and 4 hours later, our turn came.

Walked up to the counter, we asked the guy there to advice us what to do. He asked for my identity card, took a look at it and guess what? Sir, your address in your I/C is in Puchong. Please go to Shah Alam. We don't process you here.

I was really really dumbfarked. 4 farking hours I waited ... just to be told I am at the wrong place. Nevermind, my fault then for being stoopid or not asking. I tried to ask for some general questions especially with regard to procedures and the forms that I will need. Instead, the guy just called for the next number and insisted that I just go to Shah Alam 'cos they might have different forms. Sighs .... 4 hours gone. Wasted. Just to find out ... wrong place.

Anyway, I got to talk to a few fellas whom married Filipinos as well. They told me, don't worry, all applications would be processed in a day. But they were definitely very shocked when I told them that I was asked to go to Shah Alam instead of Damansara. They just shrugged and told me, good luck. As far as they know ... this kind of thing is "normal" i.e. you get bumped around.

Anyway, couple of days later, I thought I was very smart. I told my wife, why not go with my dad to HQ in Putrajaya and find out the procedures and forms that we need to fill. Afterall, that's the HQ. And I have to work and can't be taking off all the time. But I was soooooooooooo wrong. They went to Putrajaya and was told that we have to go to Shah Alam because that's where they process Chinese nationals and Filipinos. Well ... at least that's what my dad thought they said. I think my dad could have mistaken something 'cos I was pretty sure some Filipinos were processed at Damansara. Oh well .. I thought, stoopid of me. But I honestly thought that the HQ would be capable of handling it... Sighs ... again....

Marrying a Foreigner Part II

2007-03-03T22:48:00.000+08:00

The big day came. My parents, best buddies, wifey all went to Putrajaya. Well ... we just wore our usual work clothes. Wifey just worn a simple gown. This is after all ... a civil registry. But don't be surprised if you see some couples there do the whole marriage thingy ... complete with wedding car, flowers, wedding gowns etc.

Anyway ... our turn came and we were called into the room. In the room, we sat next to each other facing the Registrar. The Registar was this lady whom somehow reminds me of all those fierce school teachers or headmistress. Yup ... this was one stern lady. By looking at her, both of us didn't even dare to smile or grin anymore. The swearing in ceremony became very solemn. Haha. She even told us to be serious. Well ... it was painless, except that with the lady registrar whom was so stern looking did make us worry. We just raised our hands, read this declaration and swore in our marriage. With that, we are legally married.

BUT ... we still couldn't shag yet. Legally married but not in the eyes of you know who ... the Big Guy up there. Sighs ....

Marrying a Foreigner Part I

2007-03-01T22:03:00.000+08:00

I thought I might as well blog about this. After all ... I married a foreigner. A Filipino to be exact. To all those Malaysians thinking of marrying a foreigner ... well, I won't say think again. However, there are things that you should know about.

For starters, marrying you, a Malaysian will not automatically make your spouse a permanent resident of Malaysia or a citizen of Malaysia. Surprised? Well ... that's how it is. That's to prevent sham or fake marriages.

Anyway ... I just wanna share some information. Now, I married my wife in Malaysia i.e. I did my marriage registration thingy in Malaysia. Lets not get confused here ... its different from getting married in a foreign country and coming back to Malaysia to register that marriage. What I meant was ... my marriage was in Malaysia.

Now ... what I am going to say next probably applies only to Filipinos. But generally ... its about the same.

First, my wifey had to go to the Philippines National Statistics Office to get a certification that she is single. Next ... bring that certificate to the Office of the President of the Philippines to be endorsed and certified that the earlier certificate is true and correct etc etc. They will issue a certificate to certify that the first certificate is true correct yada yada yada ...

After all that ... bring both certificates (National Stats Office & Office of President) to the Department of Foreign Affairs to be endorsed. And here we go again ... the Dept of Foreign Affairs now will certify that the first 2 certificates are true correct yada yada yada ...

Now... you have 3 certificates, each certifying one another. Bring all those 3 certificates and wifey ... bring all of them to the Philippines Embassy in KL. Yup. The Phils Embassy. Here, you ask them to issue a Certificate of Legal Capacity to Contract Marriage. In order to issue that, they will require all the earlier 3 certificates and also your in-laws (girl's parents) to swear an affidavit their daughter is single virgin (kidding) and give their blessings to the marriage.

So now ... you will have (1) cert from Stats Office, (2) cert from President Office, (3) cert from Dept of Foreign Affairs and (4) Cert of Legal Capacity to Contract Marriage.

With all the 4 documents ... bring all of them to the our Malaysian Ministry of Foreign Affairs @ Wisma Putra, Putrajaya. They will then certify that the documents are true correct yada yada yada. They will just put their endorsements onto the certificates. Once endorsed ... you go to the Marriage Registrar at Putrajaya and hand in all the documents together with your application to get married.

Oh ... almost forgot. Before you can submit your application for a licence to get married, your wifey (the foreigner) must be in Malaysia for at least 11 days continuously (I think it was 11 ... errr either 11 or 14 days, check this yourself on the application form).

So you submit your application form with all the documents and copies of passport, photos etc and you set a date to come back to do the registration process. Its usually about a month to 2 months later. During this time, your application will be posted up on a notice board for those people who wish to object.

Oh ... I was told that all those assistant registrar of marriages, like those in Thean Hou Temple or the Churches or even the branch level of the Marriage Registry will not be able to process your application. You need to go to Putrajaya where the HQ is in order to get it processed.

So there you go ... Good Luck and all the best in all those paperwork!

By the way, do go to the Marriage Registry to check it out and not take all my words above as the correct procedures. They could have implemented new rules, new procedures, new requirements etc etc ...

The Cleaning Aunty

2006-12-27T15:53:00.000+08:00

I went to this high rise building for a meeting. About 23 floors altogether. My meeting was at the 22nd floor.

After the meeting, I walked briskly to the elevator lobby. Pressed the "down" button and waited. The elevator came and I stepped in.

In the elevator, I saw this aunty, probably in her late 50s, wearing thick bi-focals, holding a piece of cloth and a bottle of cleaning liquid. She was standing near the control panel and stood aside for me to press the "Ground Floor" button. At the same time, she was just staring cock at my bruised eye with a plaster underneath it. Probably thinks I am some tibai samseng who went to the 22nd floor to collect debts.

After pressing the "Ground Floor" button, I stood back and just stared at the LED panel ... 22, 21, 20 ... THEN, our aunty there, sprayed some cleaning liquid onto the control panel and started wiping the damn panel with her cloth!!!

Tibais ... I thought to myself, she better don't wipe wipe and touch the buttons. True enough, aunty just sprayed and wiped the damn panel and all the friggin buttons lit up. Damn elevator started to stop at every floor.

And to top it off, aunty can look out of the elevator each time it stops and gave that annoyed sigh as to why the fark people stopping the elevator at every floor and there is no one there. And each time the elevator door closes, she spray some more the cleaning liquid ont he panel and wiped some more. AAAAAARRRRGGGHHH!!!!

Then another more terrifying thought came into my head. What the fark if the damn cleaning liquid she keeps spraying onto the control panel short circuits the damn elevator ....? AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!

X'mas Present From My Macha

2006-12-25T07:44:00.000+08:00

This will definitely be a x'mas gift or present that I will remember. Heh Heh. Got a picture of it right here ...

My macha and I were having the usual round of basketball game ... yes, on x'mas day (well ... basketball is a religion) and well ... this kind of shit happens during a game. His elbow got into my way or maybe my face got into his elbow's way ... end result, my face lost. Hee hee.

I still don't see what the fuss was all about, my team mates insisted on me going to a clinic. I tried to tell them don't worry ... I will drive to a clinic (thinking that I will just drive to nearest 7-11 and get a plaster) but damn machas know me too well ... they all dragged me to a clinic.

Outside the clinic, we were busy betting on how many stitches the doc will give me, 2 or 3 or none at all. Heh heh ... well, my eye is all poofy and black and blue right now ... Merry X'Mas you all!

Twilight

2006-12-22T17:30:00.000+08:00

Puki-mon

2006-12-21T16:35:00.000+08:00

Puki-mon. This is where you kena fark or puki-ed by a monster. Hence, puki-mon.

Last night I was asked to go and buy a gameboy for my nephew. Fine ... how difficult can it be? I was told that the damn thing costs RM48 in Sg Wang. Ok ... I am in no frigging xmas mood to drive to Sg Wang to pick up a gameboy. Will go somewhere dodgy to pick it up. Same shit right?

Stall No. 1

Me: Boss, boss, this gameboy how much?

Salesgirl: Oh Mister, this wan is RM50, 32mb game. This wan leh is RM98. 258mb game. What you wan?

Me: Errr ... u got dis pokemon game ah?

Salesgirl: Got so manyyyyy ... which wan you wan har? Got red, blue, diamond, gold, emerald ...

Me: ok ok stop stop. I call. wait ah ...

Me: Ahhhhh... miss ah, the red wan. How much?

Salesgirl: RM98

Me: Wah lau eh. Sg Wang buey si chap goh leh .. (translation: Sg Wang sell RM45 leh)

Salesgirl: Ah Cheh (Uncle) .... boh koh leng eh (translation: Impossible)

Me: Really lah. RM45.

Salesgirl: Ey, you go buy RM45, show me receipt, I give you this game free.

Me: Errr ... its oklah. I go back Sg Wang.

Stall No. 2

I thought to myself, maybe damn bitch was trying to con me ... better try another stall...

Me: Boss boss, this red pokemon how much?

Boss: RM80

Me: Wah lau eh, Sg Wang only RM45

Boss: You go there buy RM45, sell to me RM60, I sell to other people RM90. Both of us make profit.

Me: speechless ....

Moral of the story: Farking sales people nowadays all damn friggin sarcastic. Tibai dogs...

Home Cooked Food

2006-12-20T16:57:00.000+08:00

Home Cooked Food. Delicious. Clean. Healthy. Less Oily. Less Salty. Less MSG. Mum's cooking. The best. Best of the best. As long its mum's cooking. Agree?

99.99% yes. There is still that miserable 0.01%. And what's that?

I had home cooked food on Sunday. Yummy. Delicious. I was away in Hongkong for a week. Damn "phai kuat" minced in "tauchu" never taste that good before that night.

Monday afternoon .... my stomach rumbled. Monday evening, I was pissing through my ass. And I continued pissing through my ass the entire Monday night and the whole of Tuesday. Farks. You lie down ... you wake up, you sit on your throne and start pissing shit out through your ass. Oh yeah... it stinks as well.

You finish pissing shit out of your ass .. you don't use toilet paper anymore (this is speaking from experience). You hose that dirty shitty ass of yours down. You know why? 'Cos there's more shit on the way. You wash your ass ... you dry it and you go back to bed. 15 minutes ... you get up again. You repeat it all over again. If you use toilet paper ... trust me, your ass will be so bruised as if you got sodomised by a dildo wrapped with sand paper.

Tibai doctor also quite useless. Oh, you have mild food poisoning. Farks... if that's mild, I wonder what the fark is severe food poisoning then? Tibai fark.

Taking his medications wont help. One pill says "wind". After taking that ... an hour later, I felt gas building up. I thought ... ohhhhhhhh... this is gonna feel so good. Farting out all this gas. WRONG!!!!!!!!!! I waited and waited 'til the gas built up and I let it rip. Yeah ... it ripped alright. Along with all the liquified shit in my bowels. To summarize ... I didn't even bother washing my undies anymore. Just threw them away. Hope some paria dog will rip open the plastic bag when I throw it out and sniff and munch on it. Hahahahahahahaha ...

HKG

2006-12-15T15:58:00.000+08:00

Tibai Dog?

2006-11-28T17:19:00.000+08:00

Tranquility

2006-10-11T17:14:00.000+08:00

Karma?

2006-07-21T07:47:00.000+08:00

Karma. You believe in it? No? Well ... in a way I do. That has stopped me from dissing people or making fun of people. Or ... at least I try to stop making fun of people. Simple reason ... for fear that it will come back to me.

For example ... I have this disdain or cynical outlook on Ah Bengs. And yes.. in some of my blogs, I have made fun of them and also, in some of my blogs, these Ah Bengs have actually come to my rescue. It has been fun but Karma really knows how to strike you when you least know it ...

The day after blogging on Ah Beng's email, my boss came into my room. "Ey Lembu, the firm has a treat for all the execs" he says.

I was excited ... ooooooh... and I thought to myself, a company trip to Europe??? I looked up coolly and pretending to be nonchalant I said, "oh, that's great. so where are we going"

"We bought you guys tickets to go watch Ah Beng" He smiled such a proud smile.

Me. I was .... .... .... .... speechless? Horrified? Shocked? Scared shitless? I mean, What da fark??!!! You have to buy tickets to watch Ah Beng??? Great! You mean they are now in some kinda cage or are they behind some kinda glass enclosure. Haha. That would be cool. But still, to pay to watch them? I mean, come on!!! Go Sungai Wang! You'd be farking surrounded by them. Ah Bengs and Ah Lians. But why da fark I wanna go watch Ah Beng? But if you tell me to go watch Ah Lian ... maybe I can still reconsider.

My boss looked at me. "Why? You don't like?"

"Well, to be honest ... what da hell are we doing looking at Ah Bengs? I mean its fun to make fun of them ..."

Before I could finish ... my boss, "OI LEMBU!!! Ah Beng as in the Broadway Musical Ah Beng lah!!! Suppose to be a damn good musical comedy!!!"

"WAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTT?????!!!!!!"

"you don't like musicals? Come on, you'll be cultured"

Groannnnnnnnn.... This must be karma. I don't know which is worse. Looking at Ah Bengs or watching a Ah Beng Broadway Musical... I must repent. I must repent. I must repent ...

The Zidane Theory

2006-07-20T17:32:00.000+08:00

World Cup is long over. Much as I want to contribute to all the theories surrounding Zidane's day of infamy and his infamous head butt, I was too busy at work. But all those theories.. about insults and pinching of nipples reminded me of a buddy of mine.

We used to call him communist for a very simple reason... that farker memang look like communist. And he was quite a terror on the basketball too. I dare not say that he is very short but for someone at his height, he can really jump. Not only that, that tibai farker loves to jump and can still clap his feet together in mid air. But still, his height was a big disadvantage when you play against 6 feet tall centers. But our dear friend has found ingenious ways to beat the taller players to the ball.

One day during a friendly match , we were on the offensive and our communist was right smack in the middle of the zone. Communist scored and next thing we hear was the opposing team's center shouting that someone pinched him and was calling a foul and none of us knew what was happening. There were 4 of us on the opposing team's side of the court and communist was already standing at our own half of the court. We shrugged and walked back. That's when communist told us, that tibai fark too tall and he couldn't beat him to the ball so he pinched his balls and somehow, by pinching that tall tibai fark's balls, communist got to the ball first and scored. Haha

We gave him the nickname balls pincher. Also we named him "No shadow hand" after Wong Fei Hung's famous "no shadow kick" because he can pinch you so fast, you never see his hand near you.

That tibai fark was a fast runner as well. Another incident, tibai communist pinched the center's balls and even before the center yell foul, our communist friend was already back on his half of the court. Tibai center was yelling foul and someone pinched him. This time... we all know it was our communist. Hahahaha

True?

2006-07-12T11:30:00.000+08:00

I don't know if some of you has received through emails or read some blogs who commented on some of the movie sub-titles. I remember one where Star Wars was shown in China and the English sub-titles were all wrong and it was really funny reading it.

I must admit that some of our Malaysian sub-titles can be funny as well. But ... it's really embarassing too. For instance, go and check it out and see if its true. Whether its really Made In Malaysia. Forgive me but I assume that it was made in Malaysia.

From a pirated copy of the movie Pirates of the Carribean 2, I noticed that it was "recorded" inside a cinema. Presumably recorded last Saturday. Ok ... that is "very normal".

But the sub-titles ... sighs. You want to know how bad it is? Captain Jack Sparrow in bahasa is known as Kapten Jack Pipit. Go check it out. Again, before all of you kill me ... I am only assuming that it was "Made in Malaysia". Comments anyone??? Those who watched it last saturday ... true? Really called Kapten Jack Pipit???

Lembu's Response to Ah Beng's Email

2006-06-23T15:17:00.000+08:00

My comments:-

Subject: Fw: Be extra extra careful!!

Guys and girls, please please be extra extra careful in this world cup season!! especially ladies!! Yesterday night, I was having a supper with a friend that working in xxxxxxxxxxxx.

A supper?? How many friggin suppers he wants to have lah?

A friend that working in???

What happened to that was working?

Oh ... I get it ... means the friend is still working ....

We had our supper at xxxxxxxxxxx in xxxxxxxxxxx, Puchong. we were sitting beside the road and there are a lot of crowd who watching World Cup also.

A lot of crowd? Cool ... So how many crowds were there? How much or how many people do your find in one crowd? I think its a math thing. One crowd = 10 human beings (animals not included). A lot of crowd means the crowd cannot be counted. Or say ... 10 crowd. 10 crowd x 10 human beings... we have 100 human beings!!!

She put her handbag on top of her tights.

Let me guess ... she was wearing leotards?

Suddenly, there was a big size guy with a little pony tail riding a Honda EX5 bike, grab her handbag just like that... Although she shouted, but we were shocked and paniced...

They were paniced ... or is it penised?

and he managed to run away ...

Wait wait... what happened to the Honda EX5 bike? I thought he was riding it? But now he ran away without it?

with a handbag, handphone, IC, licence, credit card, ATM card, RM650 cash as she just punched it out a few hours before we meet up... etc...

Cool. You can punch out RM650 cash. I can punch. Just tell me who or what I can punch to get that kind of money.

"Before we meet up ... etc..." I wonder what the "etc" meant... they met up and then etc ...??? Hmmmmmm....

To our surprise, when we reported to police station in Puchong about 11pm yesterday. There were 3 other kes ragut also happened just almost at the same time as ours... can you all imagine?

Erm... Nope. I can't imagine.

Only one of the police station and just within one hour, got 4 cases of snatch theft.

One of them was only a 14 years old kid, and 2 motorbike came from his front and one from his back.

4 guys rob his handphone, a little money and his IC as well.

Our economy is doomed!!!!! Our money is now little money!!!!

Another one, was a guy who dialing phone in public telephone booth also in Puchong. there were 4 guys also came to him with a pen knife on his neck.

Who dialing phone. Good ENGRISH THERE! What else do you dial in a phone booth but a phone???

The last one was a girl who also kena snatch by a guy with a bike.

Shit .... This reminds me of some western movies. They use horseys to snatch people. Now they use a bike to snatch a girl.

If you noticed a news happened two weeks ago, that a Toyota Avanza was stolen in Serdang, with the 2 years old kid behind the car, it actually happened in front of my gf house, and my gf sister help the aunty to chase the car, but her effort was in vain. The aunty actually park her car for a while to pick up something without locking, and the guy just went in to her Avanza and drove away. Luckily, he dropped the kid somewhere and put a notice there, asking passer by to return the kid to Serdang.

Firstly, there was only a news.

The kid was behind the car (what da fark was he doing behind the car? pissing??)

But somehow the guy managed to drop the kid somewhere (wasn't the kid behind the car???)

When I told my housemate in the night, my housemate also told me that on the same day, KTM station in Serdang, as my house is just 2 minutes from Serdang KTM station, there was a lady who knocked by a helmet, before a thief snatched her handbag.

BEWARE!!!! Helmets can now knock you.

The other housemate told me that his colleague just lost his Avanza also, inside his own condominium!

Dear everyone. Please buy the new Avanza. Its such a cool car. You can park it inside your own condominium. Small and compact! Best Buy!

And just three days ago, there was an ex-stewardess that was robbed and raped came out in newspaper, caught in CCTV in the parking lot.

Wait wait .. she was robbed and raped came out in newspaper, caught in CCTV in the parking lot?? What da fark? Man.... I hope this dumb fark is not a news reporter or a journalist.

As a lot of people losing in betting in this world cup season, and the numbers of un-employement also kept increasing... so, making a lot of people desperately in need of money.... and deeply desperate people can do wonders!!

Deep. Very Deep.

That's my 2 cents of sharing, hope you all pass the message to your family, friends and colleagues...

Yup. 2 cents alright. Little money.

Ah Beng Writes Email

2006-06-22T15:17:00.000+08:00

I received a mass email today. You know .. one of those that was sent to everyone warning you of this and that ....

The following is the email I received ....

Subject: Fw: Be extra extra careful!!

Guys and girls, please please be extra extra careful in this world cup season!! especially ladies!! Yesterday night, I was having a supper with a friend that working in xxxxxxxxxxxx.

We had our supper at xxxxxxxxxxx in xxxxxxxxxxx, Puchong. we were sitting beside the road and there are a lot of crowd who watching World Cup also. She put her handbag on top of her tights. Suddenly, there was a big size guy with a little pony tail riding a Honda EX5 bike, grab her handbag just like that... Although she shouted, but we were shocked and paniced... and he managed to run away with a handbag, handphone, IC, licence, credit card, ATM card, RM650 cash as she just punched it out a few hours before we meet up... etc...

To our surprise, when we reported to police station in Puchong about 11pm yesterday. There were 3 other kes ragut also happened just almost at the same time as ours... can you all imagine? Only one of the police station and just within one hour, got 4 cases of snatch theft.

One of them was only a 14 years old kid, and 2 motorbike came from his front and one from his back. 4 guys rob his handphone, a little money and his IC as well. Another one, was a guy who dialing phone in public telephone booth also in Puchong. there were 4 guys also came to him with a pen knife on his neck.

The last one was a girl who also kena snatch by a guy with a bike.

The other housemate told me that his colleague just lost his Avanza also, inside his own condominium! And just three days ago, there was an ex-stewardess that was robbed and raped came out in newspaper, caught in CCTV in the parking lot.

That's my 2 cents of sharing, hope you all pass the message to your family, friends and colleagues...

Wrong Number Again!!!

2006-06-19T08:50:00.000+08:00

I believe our mobile telco service providers recycle the phone numbers. Ever since I switched service provider and chosed this number, I have received numerous phone calls asking for this Azman guy. I kept telling them its wrong number but I still get calls. Its farking irritating but I found out that it can be entertaining as well.

Last Saturday I was stuck in traffic. Alone in my car with lousy songs over the radio, I was bored shitless. My cell phone rang. I looked at it. Don't recognize the number. Who da fark is this ... I answered..

Me: Hello?

Guy: Assalamualaikum!!! Man!!

Me: Hello? Hello?

Guy: Hello? Hello? Azman!!! Hello?

Me: Hello? Hello? Hello? Heeeeeellllo?

Guy hangs up. And calls again!

Me: Hello?

Guy: Hello Azman!!

Me: Helo? Heeeeeeeelllllllo? Harlow? Hello?

Guy: Hello! Hello! Man!

Me: Helllllllluuuuuu? Hello? Harlow?

Guy hangs up. And called for the third time. And I gave him the same shit. All the time, holding back from laughing my balls off. Guy hangs up and my phone was silent. I was still suck in traffic and burst out laughing 'til tears were coming out. Haha. 2 minutes later ... I was bored again. I surfed radio stations. Nothing interesting. Sighs ... I looked at my phone and a lightbulb moment came to me. I grinned. I scrolled menu ... last received calls. I called the guy back. And again, I gave him the same shit ...

Me: Hello?

Guy: Hello Azman!

Me: Hello? Hello? Hello?

Guy hangs up.

Hahahahahahaha

6 Jun 06

2006-06-06T09:06:00.000+08:00

666. With all the hype about 666 and the release of the remake of the classic movie, the Omen I can't resist but to tell this story. Well, to be honest, I can't remember if I have blogged about it but I have told this story many times. This is one of the few encounters I have had with them.

I was at this camp where one of the girls passed out and had to be carried out. This was at night and being one of the members of headquarters, I was entitled to special privileges of knowing what's going on. The girl was placed in the middle of a hut and all her friends sat around her in a circle. All of them wore erm... the white colored tudung and were just chanting prayers away, their bodies swaying left and right as they chant. That made the atmosphere freaking eery. Its dark with only lights from a fluourescent tube powered by a generator, chanting of prayers by a group of girls sitted in a circle swaying their bodies left and right as they chant and their friend passed out lying in the middle of the circle.

I stood by to watch and hearing those chants just made my hair stood up behind my neck. Just then, one of the chiefs called me and asked me to take my motorcycle and look for an old timer that lives near the campsite. Damn... each time we call Pakcik to come, it means trouble. I jumped onto my bike and rode to his house. He was home and after listening to what happened, he went back in, changed and rode pillion with me. As we rode back to campsite, he kept telling me all these young people nowadays have no respect for the spirits.

When Pakcik walked up to the circle of girls, he again asked them what happened. They told him that during dinner, for no reason, this girl went into a trance and then went hysterical... running and screaming before passing out. With that, Pakcik shook his head... went up to the girl and sat beside her. He asked for a glass of water. He recited some prayers over the glass of water and sprinkled some water over the girl and called out "Assalamualaikum!".

No response. I thought to myself... cool... what's gonna happen next? Pakcik recited prayers again and again sprinkled water over the girl and called out again, "Assalamualaikum!" Still no response. All kinds of imagination ran through my head, especially images from scenes from Exorcist. Haha. She might start to barf!! I took a few steps back in case I have to run. Heehee. Seeing that there was no response, Pakcik recited prayers again over the glass of water...

And for the third time, Pakcik sprinkled water over the girl. He called out again, "ASSALAMUALAIKUM!!" The girl's eyes opened. Bright Red in color. And with a deep voice of a man, she spoke ... "WALAIKUMSALAM..."

Whoa .... its either this girl has some serious vocal issues or that's really someone else talking through her. I then heard Pakcik asking him, who is he, where is he from and why is he "disturbing" the girl. Man oh man, was the spirit pissed. He complaint about trespass and disrespect. The girl sat up and the spirit looked around. All of us whom were spectators took more steps back. Pakcik then asked all of us to leave. There's some negotiating to be done. We left. The next morning we were told to buy a goat, chicken etc for Pakcik. He has work to do ...

Lembu Gila Strikes Again

2006-06-05T08:41:00.000+08:00

Heh heh. Its been a long long time since I blogged. Yeah yeah, I bitched about it all the time. I don't have the time to blog because of work commitments and responsibilities. I am growing old and losing a lot of my sense of humour. Its has also been a while since I pulled a prank. But really, if my office, I don't think I can pull a prank or a joke. People here can be such a hypocrite ass. There is always a fine line between lame joke, good joke or between a childish prank or a good prank. I don't know the line. I don't give a fark. So long as it makes me laugh... what da heck.

These 2 incidents happened a long time ago.

Incident 1

I was at the mall when I saw my buddy's car parked there. During those days, I always have my swiss army knife with me. Took it out ... NO... I did not scratch his car. What da fark you think I am? I took out my trusty swiss army knife, pulled out the screwdriver and removed his front license plates. Haha. I drove to his house and hung his license plates on his front gate.

Pundek fella came out from mall with his chikky, drove home without realising his license plate has gone (who does anyway??!!). He drove up to his house gate, got out of the car and saw his license plate hanging on his gate. Haha... yeah... first farker he called was me. Asked me if I was the culprit.

Incident 2

Mikey and I were loitering near the old town market when we saw our friend's truck parked outside the old town market. This was in the middle of the night and wondered why was the truck parked there. We looked at each other and without saying a word, both of us had this big huge grin on our face. We had to do something. Again, my trusty swiss army knife was with me. We removed both the license plates and drove to our buddy's house. Tricky part is ... his truck is parked at old town market but joker was at home sleeping. We didn't care. We sneaked up to his gates and started to tie the license plates to his gate. His damn dogs were barking but we managed to talk dog to them. Shut da fark up. Haha. Next morning he woke up and when he wanted to leave the house, he saw these 2 license plates hanging on his gate. It took him a while to realise that those license plates belonged to his truck! Hahaha .. And yeah... first person he called was me ... darn.

Hello Again!!

2006-05-22T19:44:00.000+08:00

I really really have been neglecting my blog. Damn. There was a time where I even totally forgot that I have a blog. Yeah, its been really busy and stressful for me at work.

A buddy of mine insisted that I pick up smoking. He tells me how it helps to relieve tension or stress at work. Everytime he feels stressed up, he will just step out and light up a ciggy. But the most important reason for lighting it up is the women.

Before you start thinking that smoking a ciggy will attract chicks ... that WASN'T his idea of smoking. His reason ... everytime he goes to karaoke, he says there's always that smell of women lingering around him. I told him its not the "SMELL" of women, but the smell of their cunt juice. HAHAHAHA

Anyway, he said, since all those smell of different cunt juices are clinging onto him ... he has to make them go away and dumping a whole bottle of car air freshener onto his body won't help. His idea ... wind up the car windows and smoke. Just friggin SMOKE and BLOW SMOKE all over his friggin body! And if wifey asks, oh I was at this pub watching football with my machas.

Hmmmm..... should I or should I not pick up smoking???

Idyllic

2006-05-02T07:30:00.000+08:00

Getting Married

2006-05-01T12:50:00.000+08:00

One of the many things that every couple go through is to choose the bedroom set. Well ... for most couples anyway, especially those couples who have not moved in together and boinking away like rabbits. As for me, being in a long distance relationship doesn't make things easier. Not trusting me with my taste in furniture, my better half flew in on a weekend to settle some stuff including the bedroom set.

We went on a marathon of furniture malls including Ikea. From Puchong to Damansara to Seri Petaling to Sungai Besi. Being totally clueless about the cost of a decent bedroom set doesn't help at all. But after going through a few furniture malls, we got the idea of how much a bedroom set costs.

I have no idea at all in what are the considerations to choose a bedroom set. A whole set consisting of the bed, dresser table (I only learned this term during the furniture hunt) and the wardrobe. I only think about the bed. I have no use for the dresser table or the wardrobe. All I need is a big space to just stash everything inside. Its a system known as Organized Mess.

At every set that I see, I only look at the bed. And I must see the bed with the mattress on it. Most importantly ... will the bed creak and shake when I shag kuat-kuat. Haha. King size or queen size. Enough space to roll about? What are the kinky stuff I can do on the bed? Headboard what type? Can I tie anything to the headboard? Lets not forget the mattress as well. Must have the right mattress for all the activities. My mind was just filled with fantasies of erotic kinky-ness but was brought back to earth each time my better half asks me what I think. My answers?

Well, my answers are always.. Huh? Oh ... how much? Got discount ah? LOL!!!!

Pictures of Pangkor Beach

2006-04-24T08:04:00.000+08:00

I hope I have done justice to our Pangkor beach. If these pictures don't look as appealing, just blame it on a color blind cow who does not have any photography skills. My skills are just limited to point and shoot.

Buying a Ring 101

2006-04-19T18:14:00.000+08:00

The experts will tell you what to look out for when you are buying a diamond ring. They call it the 4Cs. Cut. Carat. Colour. Clarity. There is also the issue of whether the diamond comes with a certificate or not. If it comes with a certificate, means you are not buying a fake bling bling from those girly accessories shop. If it doesnt come with a certificate, doesnt mean you are buying a fake bling bling but its supposed to be cheaper.

But they forgot to tell you about the 5th C. Cash. Damn bloody kan ni neh.

So, armed with the knowledge of the 4Cs which my fellow machas drilled into my thick skull, I went back to the diamond shop. This time I went without Black. All the input he gives me was just BIG, BIG BIG. Big not the diamond. But Big the salesgirl's tits.

Having done all my research on the 4Cs, I thought I was ready.

In the end ... all those 4Cs don't matter shit to me. All that was relevant to me at that time wasn't the cut or the colour or the carat or the clarity. All I ask was, "How Much?" And all my other reaction was ... kan ni neh... si peh kui (damn farking expensive).

Wrong Number

2006-04-12T11:34:00.000+08:00

I was working when my cell phone rang. I looked at the screen and it says Dad. Hmmmm... I answered by putting it on speaker..

Dad: Oi! Tiu Nia Seng!

Me: Huh?

Dad: Lei Hai Mai Ah Leong? (translation: Are you ah leong?)

Me: oh er ... dad? its me.. you called the wrong number?

Dad: Oh. Go back and work.

With that he disconnected his call.

Well ... what more can I say? Looks like my dad greets his friends the same way I greet my friends. Like father like son. Hahaha

The Completed Nest

2006-04-08T07:47:00.000+08:00

Greetings

2006-04-03T18:00:00.000+08:00

I was told that I have a unique way of greeting friends which I don't see what's so unique about it at all. I think most guys greet their friends the same way. For example, when online whether in yahoo or msn, I will send "tibai tibai" as my greeting. Or sometimes, its just "tibais". Tibai is singular. Tibai tibai is many tibais. Hence, tibais.

When I bump into my machas, I don't usually call them names. Usual greeting is tibai. Or macha. Or bangsat. Or farker. Wanker. Bastard. Pundek. The list goes on ... I don't see what's so rude about that 'cos its sort of an endearment to us. Good friends. Machas. But you're right, all those are my guy friends or machas. If chick ... well, if she is a good buddy of mine... I would be calling her bitch or slut. Or just EH! I even call them tibais. Heh heh. And if I am not close to her at all or hates her .... I would still call her bitch or slut. HAHAHAHAHA

Birdies - Day 13

2006-03-25T14:34:00.000+08:00

Finally!!! Managed to get a few shots of the birdy.. well, at least one of them.

Birdies - Day 11

2006-03-23T14:11:00.000+08:00

I have not been able to get any shots of the damn birds lately. Work has been really hectic and chaotic. This is the only pix I managed to take ... just for the sake of taking a pix. That's the nest on Day 11 ...

There was a moment when I heard noisy chirping and I looked up. Both the humming birds were there and one seems to be chirping loudly at the other in a really annoyed manner. My guess ... the female bird nagging the male bird. Its either she is saying, "What da fark??!! Why you damn farking stoopid choose a dying tree to build or nest on??" OR .. "Dang! Can you hurry up?? You work damn friggin slow. You want a nest to shag or not?" LOL!!! Well, the chirping continued for a while... guess the female bird was really NAGGING at the male...

Birdies - Day 9

2006-03-21T08:07:00.000+08:00

More pictures of dem horny birds outside my window.

Managed to take this pix with the window opened. Not a good pix of the damn bird tho.

Got this pix of the bird staring cock at me.

This was taken through the window pane. One was hanging upside down. The other birdy is in the half built nest. All this pictures were taken on Day 9 since they started building the nest (more or less 9 days)

Birdies

2006-03-20T10:09:00.000+08:00

Just outside my room where I work, this pair of birdies are building their shag nest. I think they are a little crazy as the tree where they are building the nest is kinda dying already. It never recovered from the heat spell during the chinese new year break. I started noticing them last year when the birds flew by many times. Its only last week that I realised they were building a nest! I keep forgetting my camera and finally brought my camera today. The nest is about 8 days old and most of the pictures were taken through the window's glass pane. Each time I opened my window to take pictures, they either fly away or refuse to show up.

That's how the nest looks like after approximately 8 days.

Angers

2006-03-20T08:19:00.000+08:00

I am pissed off at all the farking Malaysian drivers that jumps queue. I hope the next car I buy will be a huge 4x4 pick up with reinforced bumpers and I have filthy loads of money not to bother about accident claims. Each time a mutha farker tries to farking cut queue, I will slowly ease my 4x4 into him. If he farking tailgates me, I will stop in the middle of the road. If he is rude, I will farking ram him.

Why all the anger? This morning at 630am, my journey to the office needs a detour because the exit right outside my house which joins LDP is blocked with cones. The cones were to deter farked up Malaysian drivers from jumping queue but has also affected me. Its either the LDP farkers are damn farking stupid, placing the cones where the residents of this taman cannot access the highway or .. its all those mutha farkers who cuts the farking queue.

I also especially hate farkers who doesn't give way when people joins a queue from the other side. They can't farking differentiate between a person cutting queue or joining a queue. Sometimes our road joins up further ahead and hence we need to join the queue up front. How da fark you want us to go to the back???!!

For example, once I was using the the Jalan parlimen road on the way back to PJ. I was about to join back to the highway when there was a long queue. But no... this farking chinaman and his family refuses to let me in. You the type of farkers that kept stepping onto the gas pedal so that the car keeps going to the front little by little and eases up and moves up front again just so that you don't have a space to move in? Fark. They do it so badly, its even tighther than their 10 yr old daughter's cibai. What I do? I don't have a 4x4. If I have, I will just farking cut in and ram their cibai car. But I dont have. So I just drive further up where another guy lets me join the queue. After that, I moved over to the left and asked the guy behind me to move in front of me until the cibai car comes up behind me and I close the lane. Thereafter, I drive like a farker in front of the cibai. I let as many cars as possible to cut in front of me. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Oh yeah, check out today's papers. Now only they realised that express bus drivers are a horror??!! Where da fark have they been all this while? Living in New Zealand with the sheeps? It was such a BIG FARKING DEAL when a politician took a LRT or bus. That shows how farking lan si our politicians are. It was such a laugh to highlight all this politicians taking bus. Goes to show our politicians were ONCE too farking high and mighty to take public transport. Now, ask those politicians of ours to take a road trip, catch a bus from the Putra terminal and go to Kota Bharu or Kuala Terengganu. Or take a bus from KL to JB or Singapore. Don't take the luxury coaches. Take the normal express bus. Oh by the way, remind them to up their insurance policy before they take the road trip.

More work

2006-03-19T07:41:00.000+08:00

Its been a while since I have blogged regularly. I have been really bogged down by work and perhaps by the tone of my blog, some of you may have guessed that I am really stressed out. Things are not getting any better and I am left questioning myself just what da fark I am doing here. I only find myself telling my ownself to just hang in there. For what? I don't know. I hope this busy streak will blow over soon as I feel that I am losing my sense of humor and patience. Every damn farking thing agitates me, pisses me off and frustrates me. A buddy of mine told me to just get laid. It'll help. LOL!!!

Either that, to just jerk off. But most nights, I go home so friggin tired I am in no mood to get an erection. How to jerk off?

I was just wondering the other day ... do people still surf porn? People in the porn industry should kick themselves as the porn sites are just ladden with viruses, spywares, trojan horses etc. They probably think a lot of dumb farks out there are desperate enough to continue to surf for porn at their sites and take the risk of infecting themselves with the viruses or spywares. Adwares are the worse. You get stupid pop-ups about single women in your neighborhood, lonely housewives needing a good fark, enlarging your dick etc..

Ok, I am rambling already. Time to stop blogging and back to work. Its sunday... but I have to work. I have to examine my life again.. but then again, what life?

Tibai Pet

2006-03-14T17:27:00.000+08:00

Wow... I really have not been blogging much. My workload is just killing me.

Anyway, I did manage to steal some time to take a swim at the pool the other day. It was kinda crowded since it was a Sunday. Lots of families. After doing a few lazy laps, I can't swim anymore. Just don't have the stamina and all those long working hours has taken its toll on me.

There I was, at the side of the pool, me facing the pool with my elbows propped up at the side of the pool.. holding me up and watching the people around me. Today, this kid has his huge alligator float in the kiddy pool. All the kids are just screaming in delight as they jump on the alligator doing body slams.

Just then, this kid swam across me. I looked at him 'cos he was holding something which I thought was a float. But nope, it was this little plastic aquarium that we used to have. You know, the one with the green colored cover. Cheap plastic aquariums where you keep little fishies inside?

I was wondering, what da fark is this kid swimming around holding his aquarium. I saw stones inside and thought, man .. this kid has issues. He swam past me and I thought nothing of it. A little while later, he swam back again, this time nearer to me. I squinted my eyes and looked harder ... DAMN!!! The aquarium has 2 little tortoises inside. Fark!!! Talk about taking your pets out for a walk! This is ... this is... I don't know what to say. I climbed out of the pool in a daze!

Meaning

2006-03-01T08:08:00.000+08:00

I have been cursing and swearing for as long as I could remember and suddenly I realised I have forgotten some of the meanings to the commonly used beautiful language. Maybe some of you guys can help me out.

TIU NIA SING. What da fark does that mean already? I have been tiu nia sing here and there but suddenly I was wondering, what does it mean?

Pundek. I have been calling all my friends Dei Pundek for ages. Dei Pundek. Dei Pundek. Now I am wondering what Pundek meant? Was it the dick or was it the pussy?

For example, I tell people, "PEI KAT CHAT TIU" means "let cockroach fark"

or "Hum Kau Lan" means .. "suck dog's dick"

Hope to see some contributions to the meanings here man...

Journalism?

2006-02-18T10:57:00.000+08:00

This was extracted from an article in a local daily yesterday. The article was a tragic article and reading it brings a sense of sadness to me. But somewhere in the article, these words appeared...

Meanwhile, state traffic chief said the accident occurred when the MPV hit a cow and skidded before colliding with an on-coming trailer.

The cow died.

When I came to that part of the article, I could not help laughing. I just find it so silly. It was such a serious and tragic article and out of no where, the reporter went on to report about the MPV hitting the cow. And his next sentence, in fact, his next paragraph was "The cow died". I think we have some serious issues with journalism and reporting skills.

My Kiasu Experience II

2006-02-17T09:17:00.000+08:00

That tibai accountant finally woke up and went back into his room to sleep. At least there will be some peace and quiet for me. I was this close to stuffing some soiled socks and underwear into his mouth to stop the snoring.

Next morning, he woke up and decided to be a better host. That was after I told him I bitched about his hospitality in me blog. Told me he will bring me to eat breakfast. But I think the gas in his stomach did not go away totally. There he was, burping away. What more can I say, his burps are louder than his farts. But at least, instead of gas coming out from his rear end, its coming out from the top. Its safer that way. No. 1. It doesn't smell as much. No. 2. Less risk of a combustion or explosion. I swear ... his fart gas probably contained some methane or some explosive gas judging from the smell it emitted. Light a farking match and bet you can see flames flaming out of his ass. LOL!!!!

I didn't get to tour Singapore at all. Only place that tibai accountant showed me was Geylang. This tour was done at 1130 hours. As in a.m. If you don't know what that means, it means in the MORNING!!! Fark ... there he was showing me the infamous Geylang area in the morning when there is nothing to be seen. He even showed me where all the fish tanks and aquariums are located. But being a good host, he even offered to stop and let me walk in and check out the fish tanks. Sadly, I have a flight to catch.

On the way, joker asked me why I didn't recommend any Teh Halia to him this morning even when his stomach is still so full of his shit gas.

Told him, "Dei!! You think I stoopid ah? I knew I would be stuck in a car with you. And you want me to run the risk again of you farting in your car??? Tibais...."

There.. my kiasu experience. Full of gas. Toxic I may add. Passed by Geylang in BROAD DAYLIGHT. Oh, he did recommend some good food. Especially at this restaurant managed by a Chinese B-ball player.

Say what?

2006-02-16T09:00:00.000+08:00

For starters, I do not want to be involved in any political or rights issue over this blog. If you think this is a political or a blog on human rights with freedom of this and that, you can leave this site or this blog. I am a very simple cow and I think things on a much simpler platform. Somehow there appears to be an issue over freedom of speech and sensitivity.

This is how my mad cow disease infected brain of mine works. I give you examples.

"Darling wife, you are FAT" - Now that is freedom of speech.

SLAP!!!!! - Now that's the reaction you are going to get if you exercise freedom of speech freely.

"Darling wife, can you get bigger breasts?" - Now that is freedom of speech.

PINCH!!!! - Just a mild reaction depending on how your sporting is your wife and your tone of voice when you said it.

"Dear? Why are your arms and legs so hairy?" - This is also freedom of speech.

PUNCH!!!! - Now that's the reaction you are going to get.

"Sorry wifey. I am late. I was busy shagging our neighbour next door" - Ah. This is an ultimate freedom of speech. You da man.

STAB!!! STAB!!! CUT. SLICE. DICE. CHOP. BAG. THROW. - errrr... need I say more?

My Kiasu Experience

2006-02-13T08:24:00.000+08:00

I arrived in Singapore last night. Actually it was a couple of hours ago. But its 1am now so I guess I arrived last night. As Einstein said, time is a relative thing. I am in Singapore for business and by the looks of it, there is no time for leisure. I contacted that tibai accountant Dave and he said to crash at his place. That's where the bad news start. I thought Dave and I could hang out somewhere and get smashed but tibai Dave was sick. I was at Holland Village and tibai Dave said he will be late 'cos he is sick.

I waited until about 10pm when he asked me to meet him at Silver Cross. I thought, COOL!! must be some watering hole with a lot of chikkies. Sadly, it was a 24hour clinic. TIBAI. Met him at the clinic with me lugging my luggage. He looked pretty sick and was moaning and groaning. He was even walking KANGKANG. Come to think of it, he was with SirLen aka Barney the other night. Must have something to do with the fuzzy tail. HAHAHAHA. But the doc told him he got gastric flu. I told that tibai dave TEH HALIA would do the trick.

After the doctor, tibai dave's fren drove his car back to her place. (She drove him to the clinic). Then that tibai accountant asked me to drive his chick magnet, a 2-door Renault Megane Coupe back to his apartment. I thought cool, I get to drive in Singapore. On the way back that TIBAI ACCOUNTANT FARTED IN HIS CAR!!!! GOD!!!!!!!!!!! The fumes! The gas! The SMELL!!! Mah hai! It was like a farking gas chamber in the car. You could kill a herd of elephants in there. I was searching desperately for the buttons to wind down the windows. I was so close to breaking the windows out of desperation. With the windows down, I had to drive with my head sticking outside. Fark! Damn STINKO!!!

Later at his apartment, he ran into his toilet and delivered the mother of all farts. Can hear him shitting his guts out as well. You hear the flush and then he opens the toilet door. I gagged. I was in the other room but I still gagged. Choked. Farker must have ate a decomposed triceratops for lunch. Singapore should just send all the death row inmates in here to be sentenced. Death by lethal gas. Fart gas.

After shower and changed, I got online again to blog. But that tibai accountant was trying very hard to play host even though he was sick. Quite a good host I would say but that tibai fell asleep in the guest room. Farker is now snoring like a triceratops. Tibais....

The Rock

2006-02-08T07:38:00.000+08:00

When the time finally came, I asked my buddy Black to accompany me to the jewellers to help me pick out a teeny tiny rock for my other half. Thought a buddy can always help me out and he was of a REALLY BIG HELP. That pundek ...

As we were browsing at all the rocks available at the jewellers, we were attended to by a salesgirl. Nice chick. Sadly, my buddy Black was more interested in chatting up with her than helping me pick out a rock. Real tibai.

Me: Excuse me, what's the difference between this ring and that ring?

Salesgirl started explaining ...

Black: Look at the size of it. Nice. Very nice. Big enough.

At that time, I was holding quite a huge rock and looked backed at Black, "fark! you think what? I print money ah? tibais. something more affordable lah"

Black: Huh? I say its big enough. Very fitting.

Me: Miss? Can I look at something smaller? More or less within my budget?

Salesgirl: How about this?

Me: Hmmmm....

Black: Check it out. When she leaned over its so big and nice.

Me: What da fark? Just now big. Now lean over big? Dei! Dis wan is smaller lah!

Black looked at me. I looked at him holding up the rock. He looked at the rock. He looked at the chick. Then he pulled me aside. "Farker! I wasn't talking about the ring lah. Look at her tits. Its so big and nice. Looks soft and bouncy too .."

Aaaaaaarrrrgggghhh!!! Can we concentrate on the mission at hand? I asked him. Ok Ok.

We went over the rings, the specs, the prices then we left. As we walked back to our car, I asked, you think the 4-claw setting was better or the 6-claw setting?

Black: The 5-claw is better.

Me: Fark. There's no 5-claw.

Black: Fark. You mutant or what? All of us has 5-claws.

Me: Waiiiiit-a-minute. What da fark are you talking about?

Black: Her tits lah. My hands got 5 claws. I think my hand and its five fingers can hold those big soft bouncy tits of hers. Damn good setting. Can cup her tits perfectly.

And dat tibai black was saying it using all his animated hand actions of cupping a breast as we were still walking to our car.

Me: Sighs.... I think I should've called someone else to help me out with this. I am sooooo doomed with your opinions.

Black: Hahahahaha

Jaws

2006-02-03T10:53:00.000+08:00

I was swimming at the club the other day when I noticed this guy taking out this big folded plastic thingy from his bag. Then he took out a foot pump, inserted a tube connected from the pump into the plastic thingy and started pressing on the foot pedal, pumping air into the plastic thingy. I swam another lap and back and he was still pumping away. His son about 7 years old was standing next to him, watching intently at the plastic thingy. As more air got into it, I realised what it was. It was one of those float thingy (don't know what the fark you call it) but this one comes in the shape of a shark. I smiled to myself. Cool.

I swam another lap and rested. I am getting so friggin unfit. I rested by the side of the pool and continued to watch the dad and son pumping air into the shark float. Once completed, the boy grabbed the shark (kinda like a kid hugging this huge tree trunk), ran towards the kiddy pool, threw the shark in and he jumped in.

Next thing I know, I heard screams of fear from a little girl. I looked around. Fark. Don't tell me someone has drowned or drowning. I looked at the lifeguards. One of them was running towards the screams. From screams, it became hysterical crying. I got out of the pool and walked towards the kiddy pool.

Damn...., poor little girl was pointing at the shark and crying away. She must've watched too many shark movies. Poor girl. My first reaction was to laugh but had to really bite my tongue to keep myself from laughing out loud. Her dad was in the pool carrying her out and she was still crying and sobbing away. Her dad was telling her its fake and walked up to the shark and hit the shark with his hands but the girl screamed more!!! Haha. The kid with the shark looked really baffled by the girl and pulled the shark away from being beaten further. It was quite a funny sight. The boy shrugged and continued playing with the shark. The father of the boy walked up to the father of the little girl and he appeared to be apologising but the guy was either not listening or just wasn't interested in the apology.

I went back to my side of the pool. Swam a few more lazy laps and next thing I saw, the kid walked to the deck chair, took out his bag and took out another plastic thingy from his bag!!! Haha. His shark was still floating in the kiddy pool and some other kids seem to like it. He pestered his dad to pump air into the other float and he seemed to be telling him that he already has the shark in the pool. After more pestering, the foot pump was put to work again and guess what ... another shark. Haha. Now there's 2 sharks in the water. The little girl was no where to be found. The second shark was thrown into the kiddy pool and there were more screams. Not in fear but in delight. One kid was holding one shark by the tail and another kid was holding the other shark by the tail. Both were attempting a lightsaber duel with the sharks. Haha...

Gong Xi Fa Cai

2006-01-29T19:28:00.000+08:00

Its the Chinese New Year!!! This year its the year of the Fire Dog. Here's wishing all of you, a very Happy Chinese New Year, May the year of the Fire Dog brings you flames of passion and erotic sex filled with many doggy styles! LOL!!!!

May this year be a prosperous year for you and your family, filled with abundance wealth, joy and laughter and good health for everyone.

GONG XI FA CAI!!!!

MadCow.

Stoopid Banks

2006-01-26T08:59:00.000+08:00

Ok, for selfish reasons, I am not happy that the decision was finally made on banks having a 5-day working week. The banks have obviously forgotten that they are in the service industry. In fact, they forgot about that many years ago. It was apparent whenever you need to go to the counter during lunch hours, there will be only 2 counters opened but like 50 people who took advantage of the lunch hour to get things done.

Their reasons are totally not justified. They claimed that it is to encourage the usage of ATMs. BUT, we want people friendly banks. ATMs can't help solve my problems. I want advice on mortgage. I want advice on personal investments. What? I talk to ATMs? Or I take leave? Ok... there is the alternative of asking the bank officer to see me. Sorry that I sound too shallow here but, you really think all bank officers will come running to see us when we need some advice? Some matters are better dealt with face to face. Not over the phone.

Speaking of ATMs, what's the use of ENCOURAGING the use of ATMs when most of the time, the damn ATMs are out of order? Or, most branches don't have enough ATMs to service the people? Take for example, this particular bank I go to has 3 cash deposit ATMs. Maybe its my bad luck but most of the time I am there, only 1 cash deposit ATM works. They have 3 cheque deposit machines. Most of the time, only 1 machine works. Some banks in order to deposit cash, you have to go to a particular branch's ATM. The nearest branch has only 1 friggin ATM for cash withdrawal.

Majority of us do our banking during Saturdays. All of us have limited annual leaves. Perhaps the banks should adopt the medical system and instead of us taking leaves to go and get our banking needs done, the bank teller that sits over the counter can issue us a time slip? Better yet, ALL OF US SHOULD BE GIVEN 4 DAYS WORKING WEEK? Better not, cause the stoopid banks will then ask for 4 days as well and then we will ask for 3 and they ask for 3 and it goes on and on.

Their next reason, to give bank employees more rest time. What? We don't need more rest time? Have they forgotten about HARD WORK? No offence against bank employees but since ALL of us will be using ATMs, I guess banks don't need to EMPLOY that many employees anymore. Should I foresee a VSS or a Retrenchment exercise by the banks soon?

Banks, No. 1 - UPGRADE AND BUCK UP ON ALL YOUR FRIGGIN ATMS. No. 2 - REMEMBER YOU ARE IN THE SERVICE INDUSTRY. ITS ALL ABOUT COMMUNICATION AND SERVICES.

What is this?

2006-01-25T09:50:00.000+08:00

I was in the mall last night buying some CNY cookies. Was lining up behind this guy and his kid. His kid is around 10 years old, fat like pig. Sucking on an ice cream and was one hell of a talkative pig.

As we neared the cashier, the fat pig began browsing at the shelves near the cashier. Well, you know those shelves near the cashier. Always stocked up with last minute stuff for you to grab and pay. Stuffs like batteries, sweets, chocolates and ... condoms. Yeah, condoms.

So happens that the shelves near this particular cashier we were lining up were stocked with condoms and lubricants. And that fat pig started picking up the condoms, box by box and started shaking them, staring at them and the father just make don't know. Then the fat pig took the big box of condoms and asked the father, "Daddy daddy, what is this?" His father ignored him.

The fatty kept pestering. Daddy, daddy, what is this? what is this? Can eat ah? chocolates ah? I started chuckling and the father looked back at me. I looked back. Tell him lah! He stared at me. Then he told his son, Don't touch! Put it back!!! His son looked back at him. But daddy, what is this?

I started giggling now. The father looked at me in annoyance. He snatched the box of condoms from his son and threw it back into the shelves. The fat pig, probably thinking those are chocolates went back and took another box and looked at it. The father asked him to put it back again. I grinned a big huge grin. The father was clearly annoyed at me. He kept glancing back at me and I kept smiling this idiotic smile at him while his fat son kept taking the box of condoms and looking at it.

Then he reached for the tube of lubricant. Daddy? What is this? That was the last straw. I cracked up laughing. His dad, this time furiousm snatched the tube of lubricant and just threw it back. He threw it back so hard that it caused all the other tubes standing in an organized row to fall over and his son rushed back to the shelf to rearrange the tubes of lubricants. By this time, he was already paying and he kept tugging his son away from the shelf and I was still sniggering and chuckling. Hahaha.

What would you guys tell your kids? Balloons? Gels? Hahahaha

Change

2006-01-11T07:34:00.000+08:00

Whew... Been a marathon of work work work and work the past few weeks. I still don't see an end to it. Anyway, couple of weeks back, I was working on a Saturday and was royally late for a basketball game. It was already six and I was still in the office. My buddies were already leaving abuses on my cell phone. Rushing out of office, I drove like a speed demon to the court.

At the traffic lights, I thought I had a light bulb moment. Why not change while I wait? GREAT IDEA! I looked to the right side of my car. Lane was empty. I pulled off my shirt and put on my jersey. Then I started unbuckling my belt and was halfway removing my jeans when my other half called ...

K: helooooo cow, watcha doing?

Me: Erm, changing in my car?

K: what??? are you still driving?

Me: No-lah. (I placed the fone between my face and my shoulder and continued to try and remove one leg of the jeans) M at traffic light mah...

K: hahahaha. what happens when the light turns green?

Me: SHHHHHH!!!! Don't Jinx it!

Just then I heard cars honking. Oh Shit. It is GREEN LIGHT. Tiu... "U!!! U JINXED IT!!!"

K: hahahahaha

I stepped on it and stopped at another traffic light 50m away. I was still on the fone and was lifting up one leg trying to desperately to remove that leg of the jeans when a 4x4 stopped beside me with an aunty looking down at me. I looked back at her and smiled. She gave me that disgusted look and asked the driver to look at me. The driver, presumably her husband looked and I waved. He gave me the thumbs up!!! LOL!!!

The damn lights changed and by the time I got to the court, I still have not changed from jeans to shorts. I stopped my car, opened the door and stepped out of my car with my jeans, half a leg of it still on. So much for my light bulb moment.

My Version

2006-01-04T08:25:00.000+08:00

Inspired by the movie, I managed to take photos of what I call my versions of the movie ...

Thats king kong attacking the train and below is king kong about to rip t-rex's jaws apart. LOL!!!

Happy New Year 2006

2006-01-01T15:13:00.000+08:00

To my friends and readers of me blog,

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2006.

Wishing you all a happy and prosperous new year and good health throughout the year. And let's not forget plenty of sex, kinky or otherwise, with your better half or otherwise.

Here's hoping lembu will be more gila than ever.

Cheers =)

Season's Greetings

2005-12-24T10:14:00.000+08:00

Friends and Fans of me blog,

Apologies for the long silence. Its been a long and hectic week for me. Xmas eve and I am still working. Just wanna take this opportunity to wish everyone ...

A MOOOO-RRY CHRISTMAS &

A HAPPY NEW YEAR.

Hope you guys have a wonderful year ahead. For those who did not get laid, wish you guys get laid in 2006. For those who got laid in 2005, hope you get laid MORE in 2006. LOL!!!! And here's wishing all your dreams and sexual fantasies come true.

Yours madly,

Santa Cow