Whistling

Most guys can whistle. I can. But, with limited style and volume. Its the normal putting your lips together whistling kind of thing, if you know what I mean. Not very loud. But enough to carry a tune. I don't think I can whistle loud enough for wolf calls. I can't do those whistling where you put your fingers into your mouth and whistle for a cab or where you bit your lower lip and whistle the hell away. Now, those are loud. And I have seen some chicks whistling that way too. Hmmmm.... definitely makes me feel embarassed. But still, I know of some guys who can't whistle at all.

I attended a wedding reception not too long ago. At the end of the reception, there was a little party and dancing going on but I was too smashed to do much except to try to sit down and not barf in front of some pretty hot birds. There were a lot of hot birds and we were definitely having a really good time chatting with them. At least, that's what my intention was (really). But not for my good pal, Keling Zhai. Bastard was like dog on heat. He was all over the dance hall and at the lobby and I swear, in my drunken stupor, he was sniffing at all the pussies. Bastard was horny as hell. So was my other good pal, Wor Siong. Another friend of ours, Ed was also at the scene of the crime. Between the 3 of them, I can hardly keep track of their movements. They are like energy balls bouncing off the walls, except in this scenario, the hot birds. The rest of our friends ran off into the hotel rooms, presumably to shag their other halves. Their cock given excuse was they were afraid of our (me, Keling Zhai and Wor Siong) drinking habits.

Now, Keling Zhai is a player. More stories about him, but for this night, I saw him in action. A lot of people have asked me to learn a thing or two from him. But then again, I was too smashed to learn anything.

He was with these 2 birds and I overheard him asking, "Can you ladies, give me a kiss? At least on the cheek?"

Don't get me wrong here. That is not his pickup line. He was with the 2 birds for a while, chatting and drinking. Then they moved on to the dance floor and I just continued to sit down and chatted with another bird. Ed and Wor Siong were still bouncing and sniffing around like mongrels on heat.

Next thing I know, Keling Zhai came back and asked me, "dei farker, can you whistle or not?"

Smashed as I was, I asked him, " What da fark? Of course I can whistle!"

He grabbed me another glass of vodka. I downed it. Then he doubled up with bombay sapphire. Cibai bastard. "What da fark? You trying to drown me with liquor?"

Keling Zhai, "No lar. Farking drink. I tell you later ..."

I was feeling really uneasy. The shark fin soup, the buttered prawns, steamed fish, crispy chicken seemed to be making their way up my throat.

Me, "Cibai black, I'm gonna puke"

Keling Zhai, "Eh, I learn something lar. Those 2 birds are players lar. I am not the player"

Me. "Huh???"

Keling Zhai, "While dancing, I asked those 2 birds for a kiss. They told me, if I could whistle, they will kiss me. Farker, I tried lar. I can't farking whistle"

Me, "You real cibai. You don't know how to whistle?"

Keling Zhai, "I know lar. But you can't whistle when you are drunk! They know that. They even gave me encouragement, if I can whistle, they will let me kiss them! Farker, I tried lar. Cannot lar"

Me, "ha haha. Let me try" I did. Not much of a whistle. Not enough volume. But still a whistle. Farking Keling Zhai gave me another shot of wisky. I tried again. Fark. I think he is right. Either that, I am too smashed to know what's happening.

Me, "Where are the 2 birds now? If I can farking whistle a tune, I'll ask them to blow me!"

We could not find the 2 birds after that. But we did went round testing drinking and whistling on Wor Siong and Ed. Both were smashed and could not whistle.

I really need to experiment this again. On my next drinking session, I will try this stoopid whistling again. Anyone out there knows for sure whether you can whistle when you are really really smashed?

Regular, Cina or Ah Beng?

I received this email recently and thought I should just share this with everyone (actually just too lazy to blog) & to whoever that wrote this, hope you don't mind, its quite good actually:

Today, in Malaysia, there is no longer just the Chinese. Along the way, the Chinese people have been divided beyond dialects and religious faith. We now have denominations within the Chinese community. The major three groups are Regular, Cina, and Ah Beng.

The Regular group is the minority, making up less than 20% of the Chinese people. This group has the following characteristics:

1. Speaks English as the first language.

2. Thinks the world owes them a living.

3. Uses the Internet more than the other two groups combined.

4. Loves the iPod and/or IKEA.

5. Watches one or more of the following TV series: "Sex And The City", "Friends", "Baywatch" or "CSI."

6. Thinks that the Regular group is way larger than it is and makes fun of the other groups, particularly the Ah Beng group. Why? Because it's fun.

Recent studies have also shown that there is a growing splinter groupwithin the Regular group known as the CPWTTANC group. (CPWTTANC is short for Chinese People Who Think They Are Not Chinese.) This growing subgroup are considered elitist by some and are found making statements like "I wish I were in UK" or "This never happened when I was studying in Australia." They also tendto> speak with an unidentifiable accent. The women may also prefer to date white men from foreign countries with the excuse that local men just "don't understand me" and have the secret desire to be taken away to the UK to live in a sitcom.

The second Chinese group, the Cina, make up approximately 55% of theChinese community. (Cina is derived from the Malay word Cina which means Chinese and is pronounced "chee-na". And you will have to say it in a condescending tone for effect.) This group is considered mainstream and contribute to the numbers that reflect development in the country. They are the masses in context of the Chinese community. In other words, if you want to sell something to the masses of Chinese people, the Cina is it. The Cina are identified by the following traits:

1. Speaks Mandarin or Cantonese as the first language.

2. Generally quiet, self-effacing, and obliging but are actually shrewdand calculative.

3. Sees Taiwan as the place to be.

4. More likely to forward chain email to people in their address book.

5. Goes to Halo Café or Wow Wow Café BY CHOICE at least three times ayear.

6. Has Astro hardwired to Wah Lai Toi.

7. Calls a music video an MTV instead of music video.

8. Knows all the dim sum dishes by name.

9. Seventy percent of lighting at home generated by flourescent lights.

The last group are known as the Ah Bengs . This term was probably made up by the Regulars in the early 80s during the cultural invasion that saw the mass import of music and movies from countries like Hong Kong, Taiwan, and to some extent, Japan. This phenomenon saw the more open-minded and runaway members of the Cina group defect into Ah Bengs and its feminine equivalent, Ah Lian. They just took their Alan Tam and Anita Mui a little too seriously. Perhaps the most made-fun-of group not only by its own Chinese people but by people of other races, the Ah Bengs are often seen as people living on the edge and have more flamboyant tastes. One may identify the Ah Beng by these tell-tale signs:

1. Built-in visual self-defense mechanism that keeps people away from them.

2. Have enough amplifiers in their one car to power speakers for six cars.

3. Hair not in the original colour.

4. Volume of voice is automatically five decibels higher than everyone else.

5. Excessive use of the phrase "Kan Ni Na Bu Ciao Chee Bai". (Although, to be fair, some members of the Regular group have been reported to use the phrase on a daily basis as well.)

6. Once a fan of one of the following groups: Vengaboys, Dr Bombay, Aqua, or the Cheeky Girls. 7. Their Proton car does not look like a Proton car due to modifications.

8. For the Ah Lians, have at least one bag fashioned after a furry animal complete with the head.

For your information, I am not in any one of the above. So what does that make me? Macha?

Hungry Ghost Festival

According to the Chinese Lunar Calendar, its the seventh month now and this means its Hungry Ghost Festival or better known as "phor tor" all over again. This is the time where all the ghosts will be released from the gates of hell to roam earth.

Prayers are offered to the dead and offerings of food such as chicken, vegetables, fruits, bean curd and white rice are placed at street corners and roadsides to appease the spirits. This is believed to prevent the wandering spirits from entering their homes and causing disturbances in their households.

Offerings are also made by burning replica money notes, which are also known as ‘hell money’. Some families also burn paper houses, cars and even paper television or radio sets to give to their dead relatives.

And this is also the time where my mum will remind me constantly not to come home too late at night. My parents will on the fourteenth day of the seventh lunar month make offerings and prayers to the wandering spirits. Replica money notes, paper houses, etc etc will be burnt. They have never allowed me to do the prayers but this is also the month where you see the chinese incense shops sell all kinds of accessories to be burnt, ranging from houses to cell phones and even satellite dishes. Satellite TV must be doing very well since they even have reception in hell nowadays.

I am also a very superstitious person, thanks to my parents and their way of upbringing. So all these X-files stuff do fascinate me and at the same time, I do feel scared shitless. Believe me, I have encountered them before but that will be another blog.

Today, I am just wondering what's with the open air stage shows and skimpily dressed women during "phor tor". Just look at http://www.thestar.com.my/news/story.asp?file=/2004/8/21/nation/8717871&sec=nation

I have seen some of these shows before and I feel really sick albeit embarrassed in watching them. Traditionally, it was the chinese opera shows with high pitched singing and kung fu moves but some champion have thought of everything. Check out what the committee member said. Older ghosts watches the opera. Younger ghosts prefer to watch these shows. Another reason I have heard of is that this shows draws the younger generation whom have no regards to the beliefs and traditions anymore. What da fark? All I saw was more of those old Ah Bengs salivating there. And of course, there were younger Ah Bengs.

Seriously, do younger ghosts want to watch all these? Goes to prove that there are such things as "Ham Sap Kuai" (Translation = Horny / Perverted Ghosts)

I think its more for the Ah Bengs who are watching those sexy girls on stage. I still don't understand why all the girls must be scantily clad. If its really true that ghosts want to see that, perhaps, burning a few more dvd players and porno dvds might help. Sorry ghosts, I am not making fun of you guys but just that I don't agree with the community putting up these kind of open air stage shows with Ah Lians dressed skimpily prancing around and singing hokkien songs. Just feel sick. Just feel really really sick. If any of you has read Mike Ooi's blog on these stage shows at eating joints, trust me, I know exactly what he means.

Accidents

A lady friend of mine who is a lawyer met with an accident yesterday. She lost concentration for a while and was too close to the car in front of her and as usual, front car stopped and she rammed into the back of the car in front which is a Honda Civic. She drives an Iswara and there was no damage to her car at all. But the Civic's bumper dropped a little and the groove (or whatever you called it) snapped on the right hand side. Driver of the Civic stepped out and it turned out that he is also a fellow member of the Bar. Since he was rushing to court, they agreed to settle things later and off they went.

Couple of hours later, he called her and told her he has sent the Civic to a Honda workshop and quoted RM650 for repairs. Naturally my friend's jaws dropped. They argued over the phone and my friend suggested he go to another Honda workshop to get another quote. They agreed to meet at the workshop to sort things out and my friend asked me to accompany her there.

We drove to the Honda workshop and met the guy there. We got in and I took a quick look at him, tall, dark not really handsome, wears glasses, looked like your typical average Joe but his face a bit lan si (translation = arrogant). I shook his hand and said "wassup".and he didn't even said anything and went straight to the point, "so, how now, are you going to pay or not?" From that moment, I decided to name him Cibai Bin (Translation = Cunt Face)

Friend: What is the quote like here?

Cibai Bin: Here is the quote.

Gave the quote to my friend and I knew from my friend's expression this place cost more. Came up to RM1000 ++. I decided to take a look at the Civic and yep, true, the groove snapped and I was just walking around the car and this dude who was lighting up a cigarette spoke to me:

Dude: Low Sai, lei chong kah? (Translation = Boss, you hit is it?")

Me: Mow lar. Pang Yau chong (Translation = Nope. Friend hit)

Dude: Tiu kau hei, Lan Si lan yong. Ching fan pei hei. Yee pat man cheh. Sei chai oi san bumper. Mou pei hei. Tiu hei. (Translation = Fuck him. Arrogant only. Fix it back for him. Only 200 bucks. Bastard wants a new bumper. Don't give it to him. Fuck him)

With that I went in again and tried to talk to him.

Me: Dude, can we compromise, it can be fixed. We will repair it for you, But replacing it with a brand new bumper is too much already.

Cibai Bin: Look, the groove has snapped. It is not possible to fix back.

Cibai Bin, being a lawyer, then decided to give me a lecture on the anatomy of a Civic.

Me: Look, your car is an old car, 7 years? We will fix your bumper. You should not gain from this. In the first place, we have already compromised by coming to a Honda workshop. Any mudguard shop can fix it.

Cibai Bin: Look, you hit me. I did not ask to be hit. And my car has always been serviced by Honda. You are the one who is in the wrong. I am not gaining from this but you hit me, you replace the bumper. I don't want some shoddy repairs.

I looked at the Mechanics there and said, "hey, he says your work are shoddy repairs"

Just then, my lady boss came also, just to kepoh (busybody).

Me: Friend, we offer to repair but not to replace.

Cibai Bin: Look here. I am an "Accident Lawyer"

Me: So?

Cibai Bin: If we go to police, they will summon you, You will have to pay 300 bucks

Me: On appeal, we pay less ...

Cibai Bin: Then I will take a civil action and sue you, I will also sue you for loss of use of car, I also feared for my life when I was driving the car just now ...

Me:??? What? The bumper dropped and was not even dragging on the road??? What fear you talking about?

My boss: hey, between lawyers, why are you bringing in sue you in civil action and all that ... where has the courtesy gone

I was fuming mad and wanted to bash this Cibai Bin but having to behave in front of my boss, I decided to walk away and let my lady friend decide. She decided to not to go through all the trouble and just pay the lesser sum quoted by the other workshop.

My boss: you better pray hard that you don't hit into anyone of us in the future ...

Dude: sigh .... kam choon lei tei. Ching kau hei. Tiu kau hei. (Translation = You guys are so stupid. "do" him in. Fuck him")

Moral of the story: when you hit someone, pick your victims carefully.

Lan Si Bitch

Couple of months back I received an email from a friend of mine. On the mailing list, I could see a number of people I know and after reading the email, I was so pissed off and agitated that I deleted it immediately. Reason?

Well, that "friend" of mine studied medicine in Middle Earth (formerly known as New Zealand) and practiced as a doctor in Wallaby Land and also in Middle Earth. She chose to be a doctor though I can't really remember why she chose medicine. She married an Orc and settled down in Middle Earth and had a baby Uruk-Hai.

I did not hear from her for a long time, (not that I want to hear from her anyway) and all of a sudden I received an email. I can't remember precisely what the email said but the essence of the mail went something like this,

"baby uruk-hai is all grown up, ??? inches tall etc etc. (she went on and on about baby uruk-hai which is still acceptable to me, parents are always proud rite?)"

then she went on ...

"my company is doing very well now. both my husband and i have outdone ourselves and achieved our target. Our profit turnover was ... bla bla bla This is so much better than being doctors, we are thinking of buying a house by the beach, the front facing a beach and the back faces a golf course. the other day, we were having afternoon tea with some known doctors and surgeons and there was a call for temporary doctors which pays like Aussie Dollar 400 per hour and they were so desperate for us to work again as doctors. But we just said no. bla bla bla"

Well, that's the essence of the email. Why I was so incensed? I mean, what da fuck was that email all about? To fucking brag? Ma cibai bitch. She is thinking she is fucking earning so much and I think her husband is pimping her but then again, I don't think both of them can earn that much through pimping and selling herself. So, what's with the bragging lar? Real lan chiao. Its not the bragging that I was so pissed off. People are in need of doctors, and here you have qualified lan chiao and cibai who think themselves as too rich and mighty to get their hands dirty again. So why fucking study medicine in the first place? For glamour? If want glamour, be a pimp. Or model your ass.

What happened to those noble aspirations that you want to help people? Don't look so fucking noble anymore when you turned down a desperate plea for doctors. Recently in Malaysia, there was an issue of straight A students not getting a place to study medicine in the local universities. My question is, how many of these fucks really want to study medicine? If like the couple above, I say fucking throw them out of the medicine school and send them to pimping school.

Ok ok. enough anger. But you get my drift. Also fucking hate it when your own friends during a get together talks about their huge income, how fucking successful they are in business, at work, in riches ... Good thing none of my friends are like that. They are all really cool fellas. Except for one bastard, he will be telling us all how many bitches he has laid, how many breasts he has groped, how many women has fallen to this charm ... but I don't mind hearing all this. Its different from bragging how fucking rich you are.

Pussies Shagging

I have done an evil deed this morning. I need to confess. Remember the scene in Bad Boys II where the rats were shagging? No, I did not watch rats shagging. Thats not my evid deed. And NO! I did not shag rats ...

I'm not sure about you guys but how many times have you actually walk into domestic pets shagging away? I don't own any pets. Not yet anyway. Will wait until I can actually get ALIEN as a pet but perhaps I will pick a psycho dog as a pet. Anyway, I have seen some dog trying to hump some poor bitch at padangs, roadsides, lorongs, dumpsters and even mamak stalls. I have also seen some dumb dog desperately trying to hump a bitch right next to a highway! The bitch was trying to get away from that dumb dog by running across the highway and the dog continued to try to mount her while crossing the road!

I think dogs and cats are exhibitionists and perhaps are into voyeurism as well. Just this morning (I drive to work at 0630hours everyday), I got into my car, started my engine and while waiting for it to warm up, I saw these 2 pussies chasing each other. I thought there was going to be pussy fight but kononnya turned out to be foreplay. They chase each other for a while, running in circles, smelling each other's private parts. I think that's equivalent to fellatio and cunnilingus. Then the pussy stopped and crouched about 10 feet away from my car. The tomcat backed off a couple of steps, took a few running steps and fucking jumped onto the pussy. You could see him trying to position his dick in and once in, whoa, he was humping away. Humph! Animal Porn so damn early in the morning!

I started to move my car towards the exhibitionists and as I got nearer, I turned on my headlights and highbeamed those two fuckers, blasted my horn and stepped on my pedal. Ha ha ha. Talk about being caught in the act! You should see both the fuckers jumped! Fucking tomcat was still trying to keep his dick in! Damn. I am sure that position would be inserted to the new updated version of Kama Sutra is there is ever going to be one.

I looked into my rearview mirror to see if they got back into shagging but managed to catch glimpse of the pussy running away and the tomcat still chasing ...

Titties

Until now, I am still not sure whether I am a titties kind of guy or an ass kind of guy. What really turns me on? Legs? Ass? Tits? Well, legs have to be the right length and size. Same goes for boobs. As for the ass, well, I think the right underwear will bring out the right curves. But what do you look first? Face? Tits? Ass? Legs?

Anyway, I was at a meeting yesterday with a couple of bankers and a few accountants. One of the female auditors was not too bad looking. Kinda hot. But the real problem was her titties. I mean, she is just regular size kind of babe, about 5' 4"? Long hair. But the tits. Gawd. You should see them. She is well endowed. Goodness graciousness, during introduction, I was trying hard not to look at her titties. Its really really drawing attention. Its like telling you, "look at me, look at me, look at me" Shit!

During the entire freaking meeting, I tried not to look up. Every damn time I looked up, I see tits. Damn. I try to look to the left, I see tits. I look right, its tits. I'll be damned! "Don't look, don't look. Don't stare..." I look up again. My eyes never got to see her eyes. Just the tits. What a farking pervert! Ok. Ok. I thought, this is really bad. Am I such a pervert? I looked at the other guy's eyes.... ha ha ha They are trying not to stare too. One of these pundeks just put his hand and fingers across his face and eyes trying to make himself look intelligent and in deep thought but I could see his eyes. Bloody Pervert!

Alright, lets concentrate on the work and the meeting at hand. I looked around the conference room. I see her tits again. Aaaaarrrrggghhhh!!!!. Concentrate damn it! I looked at my files and my notes. Images of porn runs through my head. The cleavage. The boobs. Images of boinking the cleavage and cum all over the tits. Oh Shit! This is morally indefensible. Man oh man ... I think I am getting a hard on. Hope I don't have to stand up during the meeting. I'll be royally screwed. Quick, I have to think of something else. Football? Basketball? No. no. no. They are nice rounded things. Sigh ... The porn images in my head is like a vcd playing and my head is the vcd player. It even has pause and backtrack...

This is really really bad. No more porn for me. I promise. Thank goodness the meeting ended after 45 minutes. Just nice for 1 side of the vcd to finish playing with extended version. There will be another meeting next week. Sigh ...

Traffic Jams

What do you guys do while stuck in a traffic jam? If you are with your better half, you may have someone to talk to. Or maybe someone to argue or pick a fight with. But if you are alone? Call your friends on your cell phone? Pick your nose? You can always see someone doing that especially after they have picked their nose, they try to roll it up into a ball and flick it away. I have seen some Ah Bengs try to pull their stubbles using two 20 cent coins. If the coins are not big enough, rest assured they would try using bigger coins. I have tried it before and all I have to say is, it takes considerable skill to be able to pull your stubble out that way. Some could even be seen to pull out their nose hairs that way. Leave it to the Ah Bengs, they have certain skills which only they possess.

Ever notice how some guys tend to just wind their windows down and not flick anything out but to wind it back up again? Well, I have done it before. Many times in fact. No, I was not testing the power windows. I just needed fresh air. I passed out gas, gas so foul that my car may serve as a gas chamber for inmates on death row. Do astronauts fart? I know they have special equipments to pee and to shit. But farting? I’m keen to know that. Jams in KL are so bad that often I find myself desperately pulling my car somewhere so that I can take a leak. At that point of time, I just don’t care anymore, the hell with morals and civic consciousness, as long as I can pull my car to the side, freaking sprint behind any tree or pillar or ANYTHING at all and it’ll be like the Niagara Falls.

There is also this thing called the “sheep theory”. All it takes is one sheep to wander off and every other damn sheep will follow. Yup, it has happened before. I pulled my car over for a leak and next thing I know, these two other cars did the same thing. “Hey, wassup? Jam sucks huh?”, I called out to the other guys, No reply. More like a grunt and “Ahhhhhh…..”

Anyway, I was caught in another farking jam yesterday. Looked more like a parking lot in MidValley, except that MidValley still has lanes for cars to pass through. I was bored shitless! Agitated. To top it all off, you get your usual jerks jumping queue and weaving in and out while still being stuck in a jam! Just so happens this car’s plate is “ADA”. Stands for “Another Dumb Ass”. Hey, this is fun. Next car … “WGY” errrr….. too tough. Next car … “WJC” … errr skip … next car …

“BDB” ha ha. This is easy. “Big dangling breasts” next …

“ADF” heck, this is even easier, “Another dumb fuck”

Then there was this old Nissan sunny with “MF” … ha ha. You guessed it. “Mother Fucker!!!!”
This is fun. Problem is, I can’t seem to form anything with “W”. And then it hit me, “W” could stand for “Wankers”. Cool, I am getting better. So many cars, so little time. Ha ha ha. I should start keeping scores. Wish I have a friend in the car to play this game with …

Cool Pets

No. I am not talking about snakes, tigers, jaguars, wolves or playboy bunnies. What I really want as cool pets? I can’t really decide between Aliens or Predator. After much thought, I can’t really have Predator as a pet. Alien is more like it. Predator is more like a friend to have tagging along when you go places like the mamak in Sri Hartamas.

Alien vs Predator?

Seriously, Alien is way too cute for a monster. It would make a really cool pet. Imagine having one as a pet and instead of walking your dog, you walk your Alien. All those other idiotic neighbors with their dogs will obviously be envious of me. And if any of their dogs tries to be funny, my Alien will just spit acid at them or just eat them all up. Ha ha ha. That time their dogs really “kena sai”. After they are done with the dogs, my Alien will chase the owners around for the fun of it.

Its low maintenance too. All those cats in my neighborhood will provide my Alien with its daily breakfast, lunch, dinner and even supper. Trust me, my neighborhood has loads of cats. Farking loads of it. Don’t understand why some people has cats as pets but those freaking cats are left free to roam around. My Alien will take care of that.

Look at the Alien’s head. The way its built. Makes you want to pat it, right? Just like patting a killer whale.

My Alien will also be the best alarm system that’s been built. Imagine some dumb ass farkers break into my house and see my pet Alien. Its also good against my next door neighbor. That moron and the imbecilic relatives of his can never park their cars properly. When asked to remove their cars, they stare cock at you as if they farking own the space in front of your house. My Alien will solve that. First, I’ll just let it drip acid all over their cars, ha ha ha and if they want to stare cock, I will just tell my Alien to “seek”. Ha ha ha

Predator? That would be a really cool friend. Its like bringing your personal bodyguard everywhere you go. It would even be cooler to have Alien as your pet and Predator as your buddy when you go out. HAH! Beat that! Anybody pisses me off, I will just ask my Predator to get me his skull as souvenir. Or even his spinal cord. This is way too cool. Better yet, I get to share his technology. I can use that cool claw of his to scratch those itchy bastard’s balls. Heh heh heh. And not forgetting that ultra cool spear of his.

Conclusion … they shouldn’t be fighting each other. They should both just combine force … like Justice League ha ha ha